God on Sex: The Creator's Ideas About Love, Intimacy, and Marriage (6 page)

What a tragic, but realistic picture of the mating and marriage scene today! However, Iris Krasnow of the
Washington Post
(Sept. 11, 2000) helps put all of this in perspective with her commentary on the HBO blockbuster “Sex and the City.” In an article entitled “Being Single, Seeing Double” she writes:

I'm looking at the recent
Time
magazine cover that pictures the four buffed stars of HBO's “Sex and the City,” women who talk dirtier and have more sex than anyone I have ever met. Front and center is Sarah Jessica Parker, with her tumbles of long locks, perfectly highlighted and curled, falling to breasts encased in a white strapless gown. Her lips are glossed into an iridescent purple pout; the look in her cat-green eyes says, “Take me now.”

Decked for an evening of prowling, these women appear to be appropriate cover art for an article titled “How to Snag a Mate.” Instead the “Sex and the City” sirens are a tease for a story on “Who Needs a Husband?,” which points to a growing trend defined this way: “More women are saying no to marriage and embracing the single life. Are They Happy? …”

Happy is not among the first words that come to mind. They are clearly stunning on the outside, but they do not exude real joy from within, and any single woman who has been dating too long and too much can tell you why: Sex in the city feels good for fleeting moments; it's no ticket to a satisfaction that endures. And there lies the ancient reason why most Americans still choose to get married. Being single is lonely. Humans need long-term companionship.

Most women don't want intimacy on the fly with a carousel of lovers. Most women want to finally find a partner who looks beyond the bottle-gold fibers of highlighted hair, and into the fiber of their being. Most women want to be able to skip shaving their legs once in a while and still feel beautiful in the eyes of their men.

Bottom line: men and women have not changed deep down inside where it really counts. All of us, no one is excluded, are looking for love, and a love that will last. However, once we do find it, how do we keep it, and keep it for a lifetime? Solomon would say, “by fanning the flames.” James Russell Lowell in his poem entitled “Love” wrote:

True love is,
A love that shall be new and fresh
each hour,
As is the sunset's golden mystery
Or the sweet coming of the evening star,
Alike, and yet most unlike,
every day,
And seeming ever best and fairest
now.

I like that. It speaks to my heart and my soul. It sounds like the kind of love that lasts. God's Word is interested in a love that lasts, a love that daily needs the flames of its fire stoked to a passionate burning. How is such a love achieved? In The Song of Songs 1:15–2:7 we discover three helpful suggestions: (1) praise your partner, (2) proclaim their provision, and (3) prepare for passion.

How beautiful you are, my darling
    
How very beautiful!
    
Your eyes are doves.
 
How handsome you are, my love.
    
How delightful!
    
Our bed is lush with foliage;
the beams of our house are cedars,
    
and our rafters are cypresses.
I am a rose of Sharon,
a lily of the valleys.
 
Like a lily among thorns,
   
so is my darling among the young women. (1:15–2:2)

PRAISE YOUR PARTNER (1:15–2:2)

Praising our partner is a constant theme in the Song of Songs because it is an essential ingredient for a healthy marriage. Again and again we see the man praising his lady and the lady praising her man. Communication that consists of gracious and kind words is the currency that buys and builds a lasting love relationship. Previously, we noted the blessings that flow when we say positive things to and about our mate. It might be uncomfortable, but it is probably helpful if we also examine some things we should not say. Our friend Steve Stephens (whose “37 Things You Should Say to Your Spouse” were cited earlier) is again a big help when he writes:

There is nothing more painful than having unhealthy communication with the one you love. It is through communication that we connect and our spirits touch. If that connection becomes contaminated, it is only a matter of time before the whole relationship is poisoned. In the process of communication, wisdom is [sometimes] knowing what not to say rather than what to say… .

Therefore, I gathered together some close friends and asked them what not to say to your spouse. Here is their list:

“I told you so.”
“You're just like your mother.”
“You're always in a bad mood.”
“You just don't think.”
“It's your fault.”
“What's wrong with you?”
“All you ever do is complain.”
“I can't do anything to please you.”
“You get what you deserve.”
“Why don't you ever listen to me?”
“Can't you be more responsible?”
“What were you thinking?”
“You're impossible!”
“I don't know why I put up with you.”
“I can talk to you until I'm blue in the face and it doesn't do any good.”
“I can do whatever I like.”
“If you don't like it, you can just leave.”
“Can't you do anything right?”
“That was stupid.”
“All you ever do is think of yourself.”
“If you really loved me, you'd do this.”
“You're such a baby.”
“Turnabout's fair play.”
“You deserve a dose of your own medicine.”
“What's your problem?”
“I can never understand you.”
“Do you always have to be right?"
²

Both Solomon and Shulammite knew the importance of words. Both were interested in fanning the flames of love. They continue their contest to see who can outpraise and outcompliment the other. What are the particulars of their praise with which they challenge us?

ADMIRE THEIR ATTRACTIVENESS (VV. 15–16)

Solomon tells his bride “how beautiful you are, my darling.” “My darling” can also be translated “my love.” This is not the first time Solomon has complimented her appearance. Perhaps once is not enough. I asked Charlotte one time if I could ever tell her too often, “I love you,” and, “I think you are beautiful.” Her answer was “absolutely not!” She said she never got tired of my praising her or of my saying, “I love you.”

Solomon also says to Shulammite, “Your eyes are doves.” “Beautiful eyes were a hallmark of perfection in a woman (cf. Rachel and Leah, Gen. 29:17). Rabbinic tradition identifies beautiful eyes with a beautiful personality.”
³
Solomon, as he looked into her eyes, saw gentleness and tranquility, purity and simplicity. Her eyes were an eloquent witness to the radiant woman on the inside. Our eyes are a significant communication device. Outside of our words they are our most important and effective means of communication.

When we lived in Dallas, Texas, there was a woman who attended our church who was one mean lady. I have often said, somewhat playfully, that on any night there was a full moon over Dallas you could see her circling the city on her broom! One Sunday after church, we finished a conversation with this woman as pleasantly as we could. We then got into our van to go home. Charlotte and I are the parents of four sons, the oldest two being twins. One of the twins (they were probably eight or nine years old) came up front as we were about to leave and said, “Daddy, you know that lady you and mama were talking to? She scares me.”

I started to say, “She scares me, too!” But I didn't. I did the proper daddy thing and said, “Oh? Why does she scare you?”

His answer: “Well, she smiles with her face, but she has real mean eyes.”

Eyes sometimes speak louder than our words, don't they? Shulammite smiled not just with her face. She also smiled with her eyes. Solomon admired and was captivated by her attractiveness, by her beauty on the outside as well as her beauty on the inside. Eyes are, after all, windows into the soul.

Shulammite now returns the favor of her man's compliment. It is given willingly and honestly. “How handsome you are, my love. How delightful!” The word
handsome
is the same word as “beautiful” in verse 15, except it is in the masculine gender. “The word occurs 14 times in the Song, but only this once in the masculine form.”
⁴
There is an intensity in her words of praise. She continues by saying he is “delightful.” He calms her spirit. He puts her at rest. He sets her heart at peace.

The kindness of his words in verse 15 were thoughtful. They met her at her point of need, and they spoke to her heart. The words were important. The man behind the words is essential. A woman is impressed by a man who understands and respects her personal and emotional needs. She loves a man who talks, who communicates. She is attracted to a man who in strength and masculinity says to her, “You have first place in my affections.” She will respond with enthusiasm and energy to a man who treats her in this way.

ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR THOUGHTFULNESS (VV. 16–17)

Shulammite continues her praise of Solomon by pointing out “our bed is lush with foliage; the beams of our houses are cedars, and our rafters are cypresses.” Three times the word “our” occurs. His thoughtfulness in preparing a home for them is a source of security. No wonder her eyes speak tranquility and peace. John Snaith notes interestingly, “
Our couch
[bed] denotes in Amos 6:4 particularly stylish and magnificent couches used for feasting; so the couch here … is not … any old bed!"
⁵
Solomon's thoughtfulness has provided a strong, sturdy (even royal) home. Their home will be safe and secure, a responsibility God expects a man to bear. It will also be sexual and sensual. “The bed is lush with foliage.” It is alive, fresh, fruitful. It will be a place of activity and growth, an environment conducive for the passionate lovemaking God says is a good thing in the marriage bed. Solomon is no insensitive male, and Shulammite appreciates and acknowledges his thoughtfulness. He will discover his actions are well worth the effort.

AFFIRM THEIR UNIQUENESS (chapter 2, vv. 1–2)

Shulammite sees herself as the “rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys.” Solomon then adds, “Like a lily among thorns, so is my darling among the young women.” This woman is utterly unique, rare and special to Solomon. His words have lifted her heart and self-worth to new heights. “The battle of praise” continues. “Rose of Sharon” is more accurately “a wild autumn flower of the valley.”
⁶
Sharon is the low coastal plain which stretches from Mt. Carmel to the Egyptian border. Wild flowers grew in great abundance here. “Lily of the valleys” may refer to a lovely white blossom with six leaves and six petals. “This flower was especially associated with nuptial occasions.”
⁷
Shulammite, because of Solomon's praise, sees herself as a beautiful wild flower, free and untamed by any gardener. She is unique and uniquely Solomon's. She possesses a natural beauty and a natural desire for her man. No one has cultivated this unpicked flower. That is an assignment and privilege reserved for her husband and him alone.

Solomon's statement that she is “like a lily among thorns” only reinforces the imagery of uniqueness. Shulammite is not just a flower among many flowers; she is a lily, a beautiful wild flower amidst thorns. She is a flower. All other women are thorns. By comparison other women bring pain and are totally undesirable. Shulammite is his love. She is like an only flower in a world of thorny weeds. Such praise will not cause other women to applaud him. It will, however, cause his love to adore him. There is not another like her as far as he is concerned. This is how to fan the flames of love.

Like an apricot tree among the trees of the forest,
    
so is my love among the young men.
I delight to sit in his shade,
    
and his fruit is sweet to my taste. (v. 3)

PROCLAIM THEIR PROVISION (V. 3)

Verse three is specific and it is sensual. The passion of love is running full throttle. Solomon has told Shulammite some of the real joys she brings to him and how she is the only woman in his life. The confidence she feels in their relationship frees her to give herself even more in unreserved abandonment. Solomon has created a romantic atmosphere. He has built his bride up by focusing on her positive features and gifts. Her response is nothing short of awesome.

TELL OTHERS HOW THEY PROTECT YOU

An apricot or apple tree in the woods would be rare and something you would not expect to find. It, of course, would be sweet to the taste and would provide needed sustenance. Solomon said she was a flower woman among thorny women. Shulammite says that Solomon is a special tree amidst common woods. Finding him brought her “great delight,” and she decides to sit down in his shade. She delights in him. She is comforted by him. She is protected by him and only him as never before. “I never knew love before, then came you” could be the song of Shulammite's heart.

TELL OTHERS HOW THEY PLEASE YOU

Apples were believed by some in the ancient world to have sensual and erotic qualities. Shulammite is secure and safe in Solomon's shade, his watchcare. She now longs for physical intimacy, for lovemaking and sexual union. She simply says, “His fruit is sweet to my taste.” The language is chaste and appropriate. It is not lewd or out of bounds. It is also highly suggestive and erotic. What I find in him I like. What I taste, smell, and feel is sweet and causes me to want more and more.
⁸
Romance truly is an environment which prepares us for sexual union. As they anticipate their wedding night (4:1–5:1), the flames of passion are under control but burning. Is God really in favor of what is ahead? Absolutely!