God on Sex: The Creator's Ideas About Love, Intimacy, and Marriage (8 page)

Dorthy Rosby in an article entitled “It's Living Together That Makes Marriage Difficult” tells the story of the woman who shot her husband because he ate her chocolate. She writes, “I probably read about that incident with a Hershey bar in my hand. At the time, I may have even thought he had it coming. But now that I think about it, even I, a confirmed chocoholic, think shooting was extreme.” She then adds:

It truly is the little things that destroy relationships. Margarine, chocolate, nylons on the towel rack, hair in the sink. I once heard about a couple who fought for more than four hours—over a rubber band. He had it, and she wanted it… . It's the little things that happen when you're living together… . Part of the problem is that God made opposites attract: savers marry spenders; neatniks pair up with slobs; and early birds team up with night owls. Opposing idiosyncrasies come together like weather fronts when couples live together.
¹

Dorthy Rosby is right. It is the little things, what Solomon describes as the “little foxes,” that can sneak into our relationships and do serious damage. Quietly, unnoticed, and yet effectively, they destroy the tender fabric, the tender vines and grapes of our relationships, whose health is essential for a happy and satisfying marriage.

I want to warn you about two little foxes in particular that are especially dangerous. One I call “the fox of
danger,
” and the other I call “the fox of
differences.
”

BEWARE OF THE DANGERS TO YOUR MARRIAGE

The word
catch
in verse 15 is an imperative, a word of command. God issues a strong word about this danger to our relationship. The little foxes are unwelcome intruders who sneak into a marriage and who can destroy the purity of our love and the pricelessness of our relationship. A healthy and happy marriage must be protected. We must be on guard and catch anything that could harm the tender and vulnerable union we have established. Now a question naturally presents itself: What do these little foxes look like? Let me quickly note seven warning signs of a failing marriage.

THE FOX OF ROLE REVERSAL

Warning 1: A marriage will get into trouble when God's role for the husband and the wife is reversed or abused.

God made men to be men, husbands, and fathers. A man should never apologize for being a man, for being a masculine human being. God made women to be women, wives, and mothers. No woman should ever apologize for being a feminine person. You see, no one is as good at being a man as a man, and no one is as good at being a woman as a woman. However, there is great confusion about gender roles today, and men especially are suffering an identity crisis. In our day men struggle with their maleness. I believe the
South China Post
got it right when it said, “What a real man needs is another man to talk to and reinforce his maleness and help him be a better husband … without such a friend, men risk reverting to a mother-child relationship with a spouse.” Dr. Peter Karl states, “Men become helpless and insecure and increasingly revert to the classic overgrown kid who expects to be mothered … men have few positive role models. Often, they don't even have a good relationship with their fathers, much less any other man.”
²

In preparing for marriage a wise man will look to an older, wiser, and successful husband and father for mentoring. A wise woman will look to another woman for the same kind of guidance and direction. Letting a mature, successfully married couple provide a role model will go a long way toward capturing the little fox of role reversal (see Titus 2:1–8).

THE FOX OF INTIMACY STAGNATION

Warning 2: A marriage will get into trouble when initial, sensual love fails to develop into true intimacy.

Charlotte and I married when I was twenty-one and she was nineteen. Being transparently honest, let me tell you why I married her. She looked good and smelled good and was fun to hold, hug, kiss, and play with. I discovered she was also a really good cook and housekeeper. She had a pleasant personality, and it seemed to me that she would take good care of me for a long time.

Now some of you might say, “You sure are self-centered. I can't believe those were the things you were thinking about when you thought about getting married.” Well, before you take me out to be tarred and feathered, let me ask a question, “Why did you marry your mate?”

Let me pick on us guys for a minute. Did you, when looking for a mate, say, “I am going to marry an ugly woman. I want one who always has a partly cloudy disposition with thunderstorms on the horizon. I want one who is no fun to hug and kiss. I want one who can't cook or keep house and shows no potential for change. In short, I'm looking for a mate who will make me miserable the rest of my life.” No, I doubt this was the approach taken by any man. Being honest, you probably married, or are considering marriage, for pretty much the same reasons I did.

So what's the point? Am I saying that I did not love Charlotte when we married? Not at all! I did love her—as well as a twenty-one-year-old
boy
can love anything. Now, however, I am a forty-something man (Charlotte says I'm still pretty much a boy in the way I act), and I must tell you, what I feel and know in my heart and soul for Charlotte is so much deeper and precious, it is almost illegitimate to use the word
love
again. Yes, I loved her at twenty-one. But I passionately and intimately love her now. Emotional love got us started, but a soul love has kept us going. We cannot stay where we started in our love relationship. It must grow from day one, or the fox of stagnation will sneak in and do its destructive work.

THE FOX OF SILENCE / STONEWALLING

Warning 3: A marriage will get into trouble when it is not being nourished by regular and genuine communication.

For a marriage to be healthy and vibrant, five areas require consistent attention: (1)
communication,
(2)
finances,
(3)
sex,
(4)
children,
and (5)
in-law relationships.
If any of the latter four are troubled, mark it down; communication broke down. To walk together for a lifetime requires that we talk on a regular basis. From serious conversations to general chitchat, we must connect verbally if our marriage is going to do well. A wise person said it well, “A courtship begins when a man whispers sweet nothings and ends when he says nothing sweet.”

THE FOX OF TIME ILL SPENT

Warning 4: A marriage will get into trouble when forces or persons outside the marriage encroach on the all-important time the two of you need alone to build and maintain a healthy relationship.

Love is a beautiful four-letter word. Sometimes it is best spelled TIME. A marriage is headed for hard times if our best time is given to things that promise only a small return on our investment.

I'm not a hunter. But I have many friends who delight in such foolishness. To be honest, I don't think their elevator reaches the penthouse, if you know what I mean. Let's think about it for a minute. Here is a guy with two options. Option 1: He can, at 4:00 A.M., climb up into a tree in a contraption called a deer stand and freeze while waiting to shoot Bambi. Option 2: He can be back home in a nice warm bed holding his woman. This is a no-brainer as far as I can tell! Now let me be fair. I'm not against hunting, fishing, or many other good things men and women do. What I am against is our giving our best time and quantity time to things that really do not matter. And there is a new fox in the woods who is doing some serious damage in this area. It is called the Internet.

An article entitled, “Spouses Browse Infidelity Online,” reported that “the Internet is becoming a breeding ground for adultery, say experts who track the pattern of extramarital affairs. And even stay-at-home moms, who don't get to meet possible partners at work, can be seduced.”

“I predict [one] role of the internet in the future will be as a source of affairs,” says Peggy Vaughan, author of the
Monogamy Myth. “
Stay-at-home moms in chat rooms are sharing all this personal stuff they are hiding from their partners,” Vaughan says. The intensity of women's online relationships can “quickly escalate into their thinking they have found a soulmate. It is so predictable, it is like a script.” Vaughan says she knows of women “who have left their marriages before they have even met” their new partners in person.

Shirley Glass has researched “extramarital attachments” since 1975. She warns of online relationships that go over the line. They can become so intense that they threaten marriages, even if there is no sex involved, she says. Such online liaisons involve the three elements of an emotional affair:
secrecy, intimacy,
and
sexual chemistry.

Glass cautions: “Discuss your online friendships with your spouse and show him or her your e-mail if your partner is interested. Invite your spouse to join in your correspondence so your internet friend won't get any wrong ideas. And don't exchange sexual fantasies online.”
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Be careful with whom and where you spend your time. It is a sure sign of where your heart is.

THE FOX OF OUTSIDE INTERFERENCE

Warning 5: A marriage will get into trouble when real and personal needs are being met more and more outside the marriage.

Men and women have basic needs built into the very fabric of their being. For example, a man needs admiration and sexual fulfillment from his wife. A woman needs affection and intimate conversation from her husband. When we are not receiving these things from our mate, we can be tempted to look for them from another person. This is what opens the door for an affair. It comes about slowly, over time, almost without notice. It is one of the most lethal of the foxes that prey on our vineyards. If it comes about that your needs are not being met by your spouse, then go to Jesus. As a Christian, claim Philippians 4:13, “I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me.”

THE FOX OF FATIGUE

Warning 6: A marriage will get into trouble if the wedding vows are considered conditional, marriage is no longer considered a sacred covenant before God, and divorce begins to be considered as a possible solution to an unhappy situation.

While we were living in North Carolina, my middle son, Paul, came home from school one day and asked me a surprising question. “Daddy, do you think you and Mom will ever get a divorce?”

I asked Paul why he asked me such a question. He told me that a friend of his who is always happy and talkative had come to school that day silent and sad. He told me that he saw tears in his eyes and that sometime during the morning the school counselor came and got him and he went home. Paul said he found out at lunch from another friend that the night before his Daddy had left and his mother said they were getting a divorce and that his Dad would not be coming home anymore.

This little boy could not hide his broken heart, and Paul had noticed it. The thought of his own mom and dad splitting up began to run through his mind, and so he had decided to come home and ask me straight out if such a possibility was on our horizon. I quickly informed Paul that no, his Mom and Dad were never going to get a divorce. When we married, we meant it when we said “till death do us part.”

That incident reinforced in my mind how important it is for a mom and a dad to stay together and to do their best to make their marriage work. Once we begin to entertain the idea that this relationship is conditional, contingent upon my happiness, and that divorce can be used at any point as an escape hatch, our marriage is moving into dangerous, even deadly waters. Humans are prone to take the easy way out, and divorce is an easier way than putting in the hard work necessary to maintain a healthy marriage.

THE FOX OF MISUNDERSTANDING

Warning 7: A marriage will get into trouble if the man and woman fail to understand and appreciate and enjoy just how really different they are from each other.

This fox leads us into our second major category of foxes, that is the “fox of differences.” Let's begin by having a little fun.

I have often said men are like dogs and women are like cats, and I have good evidence for this assertion. Think about it. A man is like a dog. If you feed him, scratch his head, and play with him on a regular basis, you will have a happy man. On the other hand a woman is far more complex and mysterious, much like a cat. A cat can walk into a room, and you look at it and it looks at you. It walks over to you and begins to purr and rub up against your leg in a sweet and gentle fashion. The cat then quickly turns around and walks out of the room, and you say, “That was a really sweet cat.”

A few minutes later that same cat walks into the room; you look at it, and it looks at you. Suddenly without provocation or warning, the cat leaps for your face attempting to claw out your eyeballs! Now that was the same cat that came in so sweet and gentle a few moments ago. Something happened while that cat was out of the room. You have no idea what it was, but it certainly changed the disposition of that cat in a matter of seconds. I do see some significant similarities between a cat and a woman!

A friend of mine heard me draw this analogy some years ago, and he sent me something that reinforced and added additional supporting evidence to my thesis that men are dogs and women are cats.