God on Sex: The Creator's Ideas About Love, Intimacy, and Marriage (10 page)

It Will Change Your Life

Time is running out for my friend. While we are sitting at lunch, she casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of “starting a family.” What she means is that her biological clock has begun its countdown, and she is being forced to consider the prospect of motherhood.

“We're taking a survey,” she says half joking. “Do you think I should have a baby?”

“It will change your life,” I say carefully, keeping my tone neutral.

“I know,” she says. “No more spontaneous vacations … “

But that is not what I mean at all, and I try to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes: that the physical wounds of childbearing heal, but that becoming a mother will leave an emotional wound so raw that she will be forever vulnerable. I consider warning her that she will never read a newspaper again without asking “What if that had been my child?” That every plane crash, every fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.

I look at her manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of “MOM!” will cause her to drop her best crystal without a moment's hesitation.

I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. Oh, she might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting, and she will think about her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her child is all right. I want my friend to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine. That a 5-year-old boy's desire to go to the men's restroom rather than the women's at a restaurant will become a major dilemma. That issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that men's restroom. However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother.

Looking at my attractive friend, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life now, so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give it up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also hope for more years—not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish his.

My friend's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the ways she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is always careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his son or daughter. I think she should know that she will fall in love with her husband all over again, but for reasons she would now find very unromantic. I want to describe to my friend the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to hit a baseball. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real it hurts.

My friend's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. “You'll never regret it,” I finally say. Then squeezing my friend's hand, I offer a prayer for her and me and all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this holiest of callings.
⁸

Several years ago I was doing a family life conference in south Florida. I had talked about the fact that a mother really does become something of a bear protecting her cub whenever her children are in trouble. After the conference a man came up to me and said, “What you said this morning is absolutely the truth. Let me tell you what happened down here recently.” He then relayed to me the story of a family that was in their backyard down in the Everglades. While they were out playing and doing things, an alligator came up out of the bush and grabbed their small child and began to run back into the bush toward the water. The father and mother both saw what was happening. The father, being the typical male, quickly looked for something that he might grab as a weapon to go and attack the alligator. The mother, however, looked for nothing. She immediately went into a sprint, leaped upon the alligator, and began to bite it, hit it, kick it, and scream at it. Finally, bruised and battered, the alligator let go of the small child and made its way quickly back into the safety of the water! The mother stood up, realized what she had just done, and immediately passed out there in the backyard!

Why did she do this? Because being the woman, she began with her heart not her head, as did her husband. Whenever a child is in danger and both parents see it, almost always the mother will react more quickly. Why? Does she love the child more? I don't think so. Men start with the head and then move to the heart. This takes a bit longer. Women on the other hand start with the heart and move to the head. This takes no time at all.

If we are to beat the little foxes, we must recognize that this is a fight that will have to take place on a day-by-day basis. The victories of yesterday will not be sufficient for the battles of tomorrow. It is absolutely essential that we grow a little bit every day in our relationship with each other.

Several years ago Harry Chapin wrote a song entitled, “We Grew Up a Little Bit.” Harry Chapin was a ballad singer. He did not have many answers, but he sure knew how to raise the right questions. Read the words of this song, and see if they will not challenge your heart and your commitment to each other, to grow at least a little bit every single day in this wonderful relationship we call marriage.

We Grew Up a Little Bit

We got married early and just a little bit late.
Baby came too early, but some things just can't wait.

We were just beginning but it was very clear
We grew up a little bit that year.

I caught on as a meter man. You were caught at home.
When I started night school you ended up alone.
But you had another baby while I had my career.
And we grew up a little bit. We grew up a little bit.
We grew up a little bit that year.

They put me in an office job, the young man on the move.
We bought a house in Shaker Heights. You supervised the move.
We were cashing checks. You were changing children while I played engineer.
And we were growing ever faster every year.

But I got bored of kilowatts and you were tired of kids.
I started staying out at night, and soon that's what you did.
At parties we'd go separately. You'd wiggle and I'd leer.
And we were growing faster. We were growing ever faster.
We were growing ever faster every year.

Well you learned to live in silence. I learned to live in lies.
And we both ignored the empty spaces growing in our eyes.
Your breath became a gin and tonic while mine became a beer.
And we grew up a little more last year.

Today at work they passed me by and promoted John instead.
I came home to find you'd wrecked the car. I guess I lost my head.
Well, I can't believe I hit you but the rage came on so strong.
Ah, where did we go wrong?

As you sit there crying I wonder who you are?
The partner-stranger-friend and foe who's come with
me this far.
We stand here in the ashes and I guess it is quite clear.
We did not really grow too much each year.

So, you say we're going nowhere. Well, I know that's
where we've been.
But I still can't help wondering can we begin again?
I feel so full of questions, curiosity and fear.
But could we grow a little bit … Could we grow a little
bit …
Can we grow a little bit this year?
⁹

Yes, men and women are from Earth, and we have to deal with it. If, however, we can with God's grace, grow a little bit each day, we can move beyond “dealing with it” to delighting in it. Let's give it our best and see what God does.

Chapter 5

Making Preparation for
Marriage

THE SONG OF SONGS 2:8-17

Several years ago,
USA Today
carried an article from
Men's Health
magazine profiling the average American male. The article was based on “reports, surveys, and reams of marketing data.” The report was not encouraging. The study revealed that the average American man:

• Loses his virginity at seventeen.
  
• Marries at twenty-six.
  
• Can run a mile, but it takes him twelve minutes.
  
• Can do only thirty to thirty-three sit-ups per minute.
  
• Sleeps seven hours a night.
  
• Buys frozen pizza four times a month.
  
• Can bench press only eighty-eight percent of his body weight.
  
• Has seventy to eighty pounds of muscle.
  
• Watches TV about twenty-eight hours per week.
  
• Saves less than three thousand dollars per year for retirement.
  
• Earns an annual salary of $29,533.
  
• Is 5 feet 9 inches tall and weighs 172 pounds.
  
• Will have sex with five to ten partners during his lifetime.
  
• Will consume eleven beers in a seven-day period.
  

Given this dismal portrait, I am not surprised fewer and fewer women are marrying. We should probably be amazed that they are marrying at all. This guy is not the kind of guy God intended a man to be. He is certainly not the guy we find in the Song of Songs. He is not the guy with whom most women would want to spend a lifetime.

When preparing for marriage, we should gather the facts and learn as much about our potential mate as possible. We need to know the good and the bad. No question is out of bounds or off-limits. If a potential husband or wife holds back information and becomes secretive about various aspects of his or her life, warning bells should start ringing immediately.

I believe God would say there are several crucial questions we should consider before saying, “I do.” These questions are simple but probing, and they will help us to understand our future mate and make wise preparation for marriage.

Listen! My love is approaching.
        Look! Here he comes,
       leaping over the mountains,
       bounding over the hills.

My lover is like a gazelle
      
or a young stag.
Look! He is standing behind our wall,
      
gazing through the windows,
      
peering through the lattice. (vv. 8–9)

QUESTION 1: ARE THEY TRANSPARENT IN
THEIR ACTIONS? (VV. 8–9)

The scene has shifted from the city and the palace back to the country and Shulammite's home. The wedding day of the couple in love is just a few days away. Every word and every action should be carefully weighed right up until the time of the ceremony. One cannot have too much information when it comes to this momentous decision. The most important decision a person will ever make in all of life is whether to trust Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. The second most important decision is who you will marry. It is possible to have too little information before marriage, and when that happens the results are often tragic. Shulammite is a wise woman. She is a student of Solomon. She watches every move he makes. Is he the real deal? Is it authentic? Are his true intentions apparent? What were the clues she gathered?

WATCH THEIR ACTIONS (VV. 8–9)

Here is a truism: “Actions speak louder than words.” When Solomon acted, Shulammite watched, and she liked what she saw. Five times in verses 8–17 she calls Solomon “my love.” Both words are important. He is
my
love. He is my
love.
A tender love affair has been growing for some time. Everything seems to be falling into place. The hearts of two lovers are being knit together. Does Shulammite find Solomon's actions to be in concert with what her heart is telling her? Indeed she does. She hears his voice calling out to her as he comes for her. She compliments his agility (“leaping” and “bounding”) and his attractiveness (“like a gazelle or a young stag”). His advance is a clear indication of his desire for her and only her. He is enthusiastic. He is aboveboard and open about his love for his lady. He is not ashamed to be public about his affection. He makes this clear as he comes up to the wall of the home. No one is in doubt about his feelings for this lady.

WATCH THEIR EYES (V. 9)

As we noted earlier, “Eyes are windows into the soul.” Solomon looks and gazes through the windows and lattice of the house. His eyes speak, and they speak loudly. They make clear his desire for her. He wants her, but he approaches her with honor and respect. He comes close, with loving, penetrating glances, but he will maintain a distance until they unite their lives in marriage. She is more than a sex toy he longs to play with. She is a wonderful lady, deserving his best behavior both now and later. His present actions are a good indication of what his future behavior will be like.