God on Sex: The Creator's Ideas About Love, Intimacy, and Marriage (24 page)

Now I want all of you to know that what I am about to tell you is absolutely the truth with no embellishment. Feel free to look up my wife anytime and have the story verified. It was a Friday night. I snuck up behind Charlotte feeling that it was time to be romantic (you guys know what that means!). I began to rub her back and neck. After just a couple of moments, she turned around and looked at me and said, “Why don't you go on, leave me alone, and quit bothering me.” I responded by telling her that I thought that was romantic. She informed me that it was not romantic now, nor would it be romantic later either. I clearly understood what that meant, and so I went off to bed early that night by myself. There was no need in waiting up.

The next morning my wife took a shower. When Charlotte takes a shower, she always loves to put on her body an Avon product called Skin-So-Soft. Those of you who are familiar with it know that it does three things: (1) It smells really good. (2) It will slime your dry skin if it needs it. (3) It also happens to be a wonderful insect repellant. Charlotte pats this on her body and then wipes it off with a towel. Her towel was lying on the bed after she had gotten out of the shower. I walked over and did an unusual thing. I picked up her towel and I smelled it. I turned to Charlotte and I said innocently, “Honey, this towel smells like you.”

She responded by saying, “Now that's romantic.” I looked at her, stunned at her statement, and I said, “You don't have to make fun of me. I am really trying at this romance thing.” She responded by telling me that she really did find my statement romantic, and she walked out of the bedroom. At that point I looked up into heaven and told God there was no hope in this area as far as I could see. I would never be able to understand romance from the female perspective. At that point God was gracious to me, and He gave me insight as to how this romance thing works from the female perspective. I now share it with all my fellow males throughout the world.

Romance is basically a game. It is a specific game. It is a game of “hide-and-go-seek.” She hides it and you seek it. If you find it, you will indeed agree that it's good! On the other hand, if you don't find it, you have one of two options. First, you can get nasty, mean, and bent out of shape and just be a miserable old grouch for the rest of your life. I have met a number of men just like that. Or second, you can remind yourself, it's a game. Sometimes I win, and sometimes I lose. But that's the fun of playing the game.

But there's a second part to this game, and this is not fair. However, we dealt long ago with the fact that some things aren't fair; it's just the way they are. Guys, you must understand. What is romantic to your wife, say, on Monday, may not necessarily be romantic on Tuesday. Indeed, women are adept at moving the romance on a regular basis, sometimes even hiding it in places where they can't even find it. When you go searching for romance in the place where it used to be, but now you discover that it is no longer there, don't be surprised if looking over your shoulder is the woman that God gave you, and with her eyes she says something like this, “Yes, my darling. I moved the romance. It's somewhere else now. And I'm going to wait to see if you love me enough to look for it all over again.”

Now again, guys, you can get angry, mean, and bent out of shape, or you can remember, it's a game. And games can be fun. Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. But it's all a great game. Men, if you will approach romance in this way, not only will you find it fun, but you will also get better at it along the way. Carlin Rubenstein reminds us, “The level of romance in a relationship is a kind of barometer of love: When romance is low, couples have sex less often, are less happy about love, and are more likely to consider divorce.”
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His mouth is sweetness.
He is absolutely desirable.
This is my love, this my friend,
        
young women of Jerusalem. (5:16)

SHE NEEDS INTIMATE CONVERSATION (V. 16)

Shulammite states that Solomon's mouth is sweet and that “he is absolutely desirable.” When one compares this verse with verse 13, it is clear that she has in mind, at least in part, his kisses and physical expressions of his love. Yet, as we have seen, statements are often capable of more than one meaning. She is also complimenting him with respect to the words that proceed from his mouth, declaring that they are sweet.

A woman needs intimate conversation. She needs a husband who will talk with her at the feeling level (heart to heart). She needs a man who will listen to her thoughts about the events of her day with sensitivity, interest, and concern. Daily conversation with her conveys her husband's desire to understand her. Wise men learn soon after marriage that women are masters of code language. They say what they mean and expect you to know what they mean, and the particular words really don't matter. Unfortunately some men are simply ill prepared and a little dense at this point, and it often gets them into serious trouble.

How often it is that a man will come into the house in the evening, walk into the kitchen, give his wife a kiss on the cheek, and ask her the question, “Honey, how was your day?” He will receive the response, “Fine.” Now if he is listening to the tone in which the word
fine
is delivered, he will pick up that
fine
does not mean “fine,”
fine
means “bad.” Unfortunately, he isn't listening. He retires to their family room and grabs that male therapy device, the remote control, unaware of what just transpired.

However, about three hours later it hits him. She didn't fix me any supper. Men become amazingly sensitive when they're hungry. And so this starving warrior makes his way to the bedroom where he finds his wife, and he asks a simple question, “Honey, is anything bothering you?”

She simply and curtly responds, “No.” Now of course, this
no
means “yes.” It also means this: “You weren't interested in finding out three hours ago, and I'm not about to tell you now. Indeed, this world will come to an end before you know what's bothering me.”

Now a man could try to blame this whole episode on his wife, but the fact of the matter is, the blame lies at his feet. When he came in and kissed her on the cheek in the kitchen and asked about her day, she screamed loud and clear, “I've had a horrible day. Nothing's gone right. I need you to stay here for a few moments and let me just vent and get some things out of my system.” Ten minutes of undivided attention can absolutely revolutionize the way the rest of the evening will go. A man must learn to meet his wife's need for intimate conversation.

Who is this who shines like the dawn—
     as beautiful as the moon,
     bright as the sun,
     awe-inspiring as an army with banners? …

Come back, come back, O Shulammite!
Come back, come back, that we may look at you! (6:10, 13)

SHE NEEDS HONESTY AND OPENNESS (VV. 10, 13)

Solomon is utterly transparent and open in his affection and love for Shulammite. In 6:10 he says that she “shines like the dawn,” is “as beautiful as the moon,” as “bright as the sun,” as “awe-inspiring as an army with banners.” Nothing is hidden; everything is out in the open when it comes to his love and affection for her. A woman needs her husband to be honest and open with her. She needs a man who will look into her eyes and, in love, tell her what he is really thinking (Eph. 4:15). He will explain his plans and actions clearly and completely to her because he regards himself as responsible for her. He wants her to trust him and feel secure. He wants her to know how precious she is to him. Growing openness and honesty will always mark a marriage when a man loves a woman.

What makes the one you love better than another,
      
most beautiful of women?
What makes him better than another,
      
that you would give us this charge? …

Where has your love gone,
     
most beautiful of women?
Which way has he turned?
We will seek him with you… .

Come back, come back, O Shulammite!
Come back, come back, that we may look at you! (5:9; 6:1, 13)

SHE NEEDS STABILITY AND SECURITY (5:9; 6:1, 13)

In 5:9, the young women of Jerusalem respond to the loving words of Shulammite in 5:8. They acknowledge that in her view, he is better than any other. In 6:1, the young women of Jerusalem again request of Shulammite the location of her love. It is clear in their mind that she knows where he is and that she is secure and certain in that knowledge. Even when he has “turned aside,” she is aware of where he is located. In verse 13 where her friends call for her to return, it is clearly implied that she is in his presence and that he is carrying her away to be with him. He has placed her in his chariot, and they are going away. She is secure in the love of her husband.

A man who loves a woman will firmly shoulder the responsibilities to house, feed, and clothe the family. He will provide and he will protect. He will never forget that he is the security hub of the family for both his wife and his children. She will be aware of his dependability, and as our text indicates, so will others. There will be no doubt as to where his devotion and commitments lie. They are with his wife and his children.

But my dove, my virtuous one, is unique;
       
she is the favorite of her mother,
       
perfect to the one who gave her birth.
Women see her and declare her fortunate;
      
queens and concubines also, and they sing her praises. (6:9)

SHE NEEDS FAMILY COMMITMENT (6:9; CF. 8:1–2)

The family is not directly mentioned in the Song of Solomon, and children are notably absent. Yet in 6:9 Solomon makes reference to the fact that “she is the favorite of her mother, perfect to the one who gave her birth.” Solomon knew that drawing upon this family imagery would speak to her heart, and it would also impress upon her his interest in the family, and the importance he would place upon it. A woman longs to know that her man puts the family first. Such a man will commit his time and energy to the spiritual, moral, and intellectual development of the entire family, especially the children. For example, he will play with them, he will read the Bible to them, he will engage in sports with them, and he will take them on other exciting and fun-filled outings. Such a man will not play the fool's game of working long hours, trying to get ahead, while his spouse and children languish in neglect. No, a woman needs a man who is committed to the family. She needs a man who puts his wife and children right behind his commitment to the Lord Jesus Christ.

When 1,500 mall shoppers were asked what they wished for most when they blow out their birthday candles, men and women gave vastly different answers. The number one wish of women was “more time with spouse.” Among men that wish came in at 27th on the list. (What did the guys wish for most often? A lower golf score.)
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Bill McCartney, former football coach at the University of Colorado and head of Promise Keepers, says, “When you look into the face of a man's wife, you will see just what he is as a man. Whatever he has invested or withheld from her, is reflected in her countenance.”
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“An anthropologist once asked a Hopi why so many of his people's songs were about rain. The Hopi replied that it was because water is so scarce and then asked, ‘Is that why so many of your songs are about love?'"
¹⁷

When a woman puts her husband where her heart is, she makes it her ambition to meet five basic needs in his life. When a man loves a woman, he makes it a life goal to meet seven basic needs of his wife. When a husband is committed in this way, and when a wife has the same commitment, it is not surprising that both husband and wife have a smile on their faces and joy in their hearts. This is the way God intended it from the beginning. As persons committed to God's plan for marriage, we should settle for and expect nothing less.

Chapter 11

Men Behaving Beautifully

SONG OF SOLOMON 6:13–7:10

Men can be rather peculiar creatures. In the minds of women, often they are downright strange. A good friend of mine by the name of Charles Lowery was for a time a senior pastor in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and today is a wonderful marriage and family conference speaker. Several years ago he tried to help us get a grip on the mind of the male in a column he wrote. I think you'll find this both entertaining and right on target.

Men

A few years ago the Forester Sisters sang a song about men. It went something like this: “They buy you dinner, open your door, other than that what are they good for?” Men… . Men do have problems, especially with relationships. We grow up playing baseball, football, king of the hill, and capture the flag. We grew up competing with each other—doing things and fixing things. We don't talk much, especially about our feelings. You might say that deep down, men are real shallow.

A man thinks talk is a four-letter word. He thinks the relationship is going great if he doesn't have to talk. Putting him in a situation where he has to talk makes him very uncomfortable. That's why men go to the bathroom alone, the way God intended it. [As a quick aside, let's face it, women do not honor the sanctity or privacy of the bathroom. But guys, we should have seen it coming. At a public gathering women head for the ladies' rest room like a pack of wolves. A man, on the other hand, is perfectly capable of taking care of business all by himself. In fact guys, think of the utterly repulsive and yucky feeling you get just thinking how you would respond if another man invited you to go to the rest room with him! No worry men, it won't happen in this lifetime!]