God on Sex: The Creator's Ideas About Love, Intimacy, and Marriage (28 page)

1.
Adjust Your Hormones.
Sex and hormones are inextricably linked … hormonal upheaval can strike in a woman's mid-to-late forties, before menopause sets in. “In some women, when levels of sex hormones decrease around menopause, so does sex drive,” says Barbara Sherwin, professor of psychology and obstetrics/ gynecology at McGill University in Montreal.

2.
Sleep Well. “
Sleep deprivation is an underrated cause of decreased sex drive,” says Kathleen Blindt Segraves, associate professor of psychiatry at Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine in Cleveland, Ohio. The treatment is easy and inexpensive: seven to nine hours of shut-eye a night.

3.
Exercise Wisely.
Most of the news about exercise and sex is good. According to one study, aerobic exercise (an hour a day) has been shown to increase sexual frequency and responsiveness in men, and researchers assume it gives women the same libidinal zing. Extreme exercise, however, may cause a backlash… . To reap exercise benefits, be sure to maintain a moderate workout schedule, increase the intensity of your regimen gradually, and consume enough calories to preserve a healthy level of body fat.

4.
Beat Depression. “
Depression has a constellation of symptoms, including loss of interest in sex,” says Xavier Amador, a New York City psychologist.

5.
Watch Those Anti-Depressants. “
One of the great ironies of anti-depressants is that they can cause sexual dysfunction,” says Dr. Andrew Leuchter, director of the Division of Adult Psychiatry at U.C.L.A.

6.
Manage Stress. “
Even everyday stressors correlate with reduced sexual desire in men and women,” says J. Gayle Beck, professor of psychology at the State University of New York at Buffalo. “Men are more likely to put their feelings aside in the interest of having sex, whereas women will choose not to have a sexual encounter,” she says. When stress builds up, people become too distracted to focus on giving and receiving sexual pleasure. “It's no coincidence,” says Beck, “that a lot of couples have great sex when they're on vacation.” If you suspect that stress is causing low libido, find time to decompress by taking a bath or a long walk early in the evening.

7.
Communicate.
²

BE SENSUAL (VV. 12–13)

Budding vines, blossoms opening, pomegranates, and especially mandrakes were all considered aphrodisiacs. Some referred to the mandrake as the “love apple.”
³
In the midst of these outdoor delicacies, Shulammite says, “There I will give you my love.” Not just in the country but outside under the sun, moon, and stars we will find a place just for the two of us and make passionate love.

Barbara O'Chester of Austin, Texas, speaks to thousands of women every year about marriage, sex, and romance. She recognizes that some women struggle in the area of romance and experiencing their own sexual pleasure. Why? She notes ten reasons:

The Song of Songs provides some real assistance in overcoming a number of these. Fatigued? Take a vacation. Lack of time? Get away. Do as verse 13 directs: At the door of your mate, find “every delicacy.” Lay aside your inhibitions and let your imagination run wild. Find “all manner” of pleasant fruit. Some will be old (it is good every time without fail), and some should be new (different, previously unexplored). Shulammite says she has all of this stored up for her husband, and a wise man will certainly say, “Let's enjoy.” And guys, not only will it be fun; it is also good for you. The British Heart Foundation released a report that says men who make love three or four times a week are protecting themselves against heart attacks and strokes. Men who have three to four orgasms a week cut in half the risk of having a major heart attack or stroke over the next ten years. Indeed, good sex is as good an exercise as jogging or squash.
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While the research did not look at the impact of sexual activity on women's long-term health, I'm sure the benefits are even better for them!

If only I could treat you like my brother,
    
one who nursed at my mother's breasts,
I would find you in public and kiss you,
    
and no one would scorn me.
I would lead you, I would take you,
    
to the house of my mother who taught me.
I would give you spiced wine to drink,
    
and the juice of my pomegranates. (8:1–2)

SHE DECLARES THROUGH PUBLIC AFFECTION
HER LOVE (VV. 1–2)

These two verses sound strange to our modern Western ears, but they would have spoken beautifully and affectionately to the heart of Solomon. Indeed it is the case that kind, loving words are welcomed anytime and anywhere. They are crucial to keeping us well connected. We all might be well served to take a little advice from the family dog at this point.

“Fido may do a better job of greeting your spouse when he or she comes home than you do,” says William Doherty, director of the Marriage and Family Therapy program at the University of Minnesota in St. Paul. The family dog is loyal, enthusiastic and totally focused on the greeting ritual. But your opening words to your spouse just might be a question about having left the garage door open or remembering to pay a bill. And that attitude makes a difference. Small “couple rituals"—such as a loving greeting—add up in the long run. They help maintain connection between partners and “are the glue we need to help us cling together in times of stress and in seasons of despair,” Doherty says. The absence of such intimate rituals may indicate that a marriage is drifting along on “automatic pilot.”
⁵

Nothing was on autopilot in this marriage. Shulammite made no assumptions, and she left nothing to chance. She wanted her husband and the world to know how she felt. What do we learn from her?

SHOW YOUR LOYALTY TO EACH OTHER (V. 1)

Shulammite says she wishes Solomon was her brother so she could shower him publicly with affectionate kisses. In the Ancient Near East, it was considered appropriate only for near relatives to engage in such public displays of love and affection. “The freedom to kiss in public would not apply to her husband.”
⁶
Shulammite regrets this. She wants all to know how she feels about her husband. She will not overturn accepted social expectations and suffer scorn and ridicule. She will not be despised. Her actions may have to be curtailed for the moment, but her words trumpet a message that is music to the ears and heart of her husband.

Pawing one another in public is still in bad taste. Gracious and genuine tokens of our love, loyalty, and affection are always welcomed. They will be well received by our mate, and they will provide testimony to others of our devotion to each other.

A lonely heart, even in marriage, is often a sick heart—and in more ways than one. In an article entitled “Lonely Hearts Often Have Sick Hearts,” Ronald Kotulak notes:

Loneliness is bad for the heart in more ways than one, according to new research that shows the physiological toll of psychological isolation. But the research, conducted by a team from the University of Chicago and Ohio State University also suggests a remedy: Just saying hello or being nice in other small ways can help prevent heart attacks among the lonely. The study found that being lonely is a major risk factor of heart disease, as bad as a high-fat diet, high blood pressure, obesity, smoking or physical inactivity. Loneliness tends to raise blood pressure and disrupt sleep, both of which put people at greater risk of heart trouble. Population experts long have known that lonely people tend to be sicker and die younger, but they didn't know why. Women with few social contacts and who feel isolated, for instance, have a greater risk of dying of cancer. Married cancer patients have better outcomes than unmarried cancer patients. But loneliness is not just being alone. It involves feelings of isolations, of disconnectedness and of not belonging, each of which can occur when a person is in a crowd or alone. Lonely people perceive their world as less reinforcing and more threatening. They may not have a romantic partner or close friends.
⁷

Demonstrate in clear and unambiguous ways your love and loyalty to each other. Remember: it's good for the heart.

STRENGTHEN YOUR DESIRE FOR EACH OTHER (V. 2)

Shulammite begins to play with her husband. She assumes the role of an older sister and tells him how she would relate to him. She would lead him and take him into the house of her mother. The word for
lead
refers to “a superior leading an inferior: a general, his army; a king, his captain; a shepherd, his sheep… . She would lead her younger brother to their common home.”
⁸
Shulammite notes it was at home that she received instruction from her mother. In the context she must mean instruction about matters of sexual intimacy and love. This is a valuable lesson, especially for those of us who are parents. “The art of preparing for love is best learned at home.”
⁹

Dads and moms must take charge at appropriate times and in appropriate ways in teaching their children about the birds and the bees. They cannot leave this vital task in the hands of the schools. They dare not entrust it to locker room or girlfriend talk. Dads must instruct their sons, and mothers must guide their daughters. This does not mean dads have no part in training their daughters or moms in assisting their sons, but sexual identity often will play a role in who takes the lead with whom.

Shulammite informs Solomon of some things she learned from her mother. “Spiced wine,” special wine, would be on their lover's menu as well as the juice of the pomegranate. “An ancient Egyptian love poem identifies a wife's breasts with the fruit of the pomegranate.”
¹⁰
Duane Garrett points out that the reference to her “mother's house” could easily be a euphemism for the intimate sexual parts of the woman.
¹¹
That the overtones of her words are sensual and erotic are undeniable. The joy of lovemaking they share does not wane but grows more intensive and creative as their marriage progresses. And much of the credit goes to Shulammite.

In an article entitled, “When He's Not in the Mood,” Michele Weiner-Davis provides some helpful advice to build and maintain sexual passion in marriage, especially if things are on a downturn at the present.

Men

1. Get a complete medical check-up.
   
2. Check carefully any medications you are taking.
   
3. Check your hormone levels, especially your testosterone.
   
4. Measure any signs of depression.
   
5. Evaluate frustration or resentment over unresolved relational issues.
   
6. Educate yourself about the sexual aspects of marriage and the needs and desires of a woman.
   

Women

1. Take action to rekindle the fire. Don't be passive.
   
2. Spice things up with a new location, new positions, lingerie, candles; cast your inhibitions to the wind.
   
3. Quit nagging—it is men's #1 complaint about their wives and is a certain turn-off.
   
4. Engage in self-care.
   
5. Be supportive.
   
6. Give him space.
   ¹²
   

His left hand is under my head,
    
and his right hand embraces me.
Young women of Jerusalem, I charge you:
    
do not stir up or awaken love
    
until the appropriate time. (8:3–4)

SHE DEMONSTRATES HER LOVE THROUGH PRIVATE
CONSUMMATION (VV. 3–4)

An article in
Maxim,
a popular men's magazine said, “Monogamy is man's greatest challenge. It takes unshakable commitment, intense emotional maturity, a will of steel in the face of overwhelming temptation. In other words, it ain't gonna happen .”
¹³
I don't believe this. In fact, I reject such an argument with every fiber of my being. When a man loves a woman like this Song teaches and when a woman puts her man where her heart is as this Song instructs, the passion, commitment, and devotion they enjoy will produce a glue that will hold them together until death parts them. Solomon and Shulammite again are engaged in the act of lovemaking, but the focus this time is a bit different. It is also instructive.

TENDERNESS IS ENSURING (V. 3)

“His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me.” Solomon gently and tenderly is holding and caressing his wife. Perhaps they have just finished making love, and they rest in each other's arms in the afterglow of the moment. He does not leap out of bed and run downstairs for a snack. He doesn't grab the remote control to get a sports update from ESPN. She doesn't slip out of bed to make a quick phone call, nor does she rush out of the room to attack unfinished chores. They simply lie there loving and holding each other. They are tender in their affections, and tenderness speaks to the heart and soul of one's mate.