God on Sex: The Creator's Ideas About Love, Intimacy, and Marriage (15 page)

The worst is from my parents. “Marriage is very important,” my mother said. “It establishes a bond that you just can't get otherwise.” I wanted to argue with her, but she was getting ready to leave the country with her new husband. They spend their summers at their cottage up in Nova Scotia, a good 20-hour trip away from the rest of us. “Studies show that married couples are better off financially than single people,” my father's youngish second wife insisted. It's probably true that she is better off financially since marrying my father, but I wasn't sure how that applied to me. When my boyfriend and I looked into getting married, we found out that we would pay an extra $2,000 each year in taxes.

If marriage is risky, doomed and expensive, well, why bother? “You just should,” my father offered in that magnanimous, ain't-life-grand manner he developed shortly after re-entering the singles scene when I was a teenager. My father is big on the “shoulds” of life, with some reason. He has always done everything he was supposed to, even as a divorced father; he never even bad-mouthed my mom (nor did she ever trash him, for that matter). But the fact that my parents divorced well—and they really did—doesn't grant them immunity from their actions. The fact that my uncles and aunts and grandparents and family friends felt they had absolutely no choice other than to divorce doesn't change the outcome. They still got divorced, all of them. They still showed my generation, by example and by forcing us to go along with their example, that marriage was something easily and amicably exited from. Marriage, they said, was not that big of a deal. Premarital sex is fine. (Or at least that's what they implied when they presented their boyfriends and girlfriends at the breakfast table—before we were even out of high school.) Families, they said, do not need to stay together if things become too boring.

I would have more sympathy for divorced people if their lives had improved by getting out of terrible marriages that (apparently) couldn't be survived for another moment. But the ones I'm familiar with continue to associate with flawed human beings. These second and third marriages still seem to require work, and still have shortcomings. My mother and father, for example, still struggle with the same issues that plagued their marriage to each other. The only difference is, older and wiser, they both seem more willing to compromise, to sacrifice and to accept. I am not whining about or regretting the events of the last three decades. When my parents divorced in the late ‘70s, we children went along with it like troupers. When they started bringing home boyfriends and girlfriends in the ‘80s, we ultimately accepted these new people into our family. Sometimes, the new people went away. And we dealt with the divorces and separations all over again. And accepted the new people all over again. Fine. Exhausting, but fine. It's a wonder we 18- to 35-year-olds even have the energy to date. (And maybe some of us don't.) But for myself, the scattered, patchwork concept of family I grew up with has only increased my quest for commitment. I've seen firsthand the pain and futility of divorce culture and I don't intend to relive it, or to drag my children through the nightmare of watching their parents flirt with strangers. My decision not to marry does not indicate a desire for a life of debauchery and half-formed commitments. Quite the opposite … but we have no fantasies about coasting through the next 50 years on the coattails of a weakened and disparaged contract that, thanks to boomer innovation, now includes options like pre-nup clauses. Considering everything we've seen, bearing the weight of our relationship on our own backs seems a hell of a lot wiser than leaning on the white-laced and satin-cummerbunded follies of our parents. Thanks, but we're looking for more than just a party, a round of toasts and a validity stamp from Uncle Sam to get us to that golden anniversary. Our parents, on the other hand, seem to believe in marriage more than they do in monogamy. Like I said, that's fine. Every generation has its torch to carry. But when this particular generation, which grooved to its own beat and stomped on every tradition that seemed too square, too inhibiting or just plain boring, turns around with nostalgia in its eyes and questions my choices, I have to protest. My generation would just as soon steer clear of the fatuous, feel-good mess of getting divorced and remarried. The tradition that was passed down to us—in which divorce is a logical and expected conclusion to a marriage—is one we would just as soon pass by… . Of course marriage is on the decline. But don't blame us. The boomers started it.
¹⁰

We could easily get depressed from all of this, until we realize that there is a common thread that runs through all the stories we have heard. It could be put in the form of a simple question: Where is God in all of this? He doesn't even get honorable mention. Marriage, after all, was His idea. He has a pattern. He has a plan. Marriage can be different when we invite the Holy Trinity to honor the wedding and direct the marriage. Our expectations, hopes, and dreams can and will be radically altered and transformed, and all for the better.

I want to focus particularly on what begins a marriage: the wedding. This is what is described in Song of Songs 3:6–11. It is a fantastic and beautiful scene. What are the distinctive characteristics and elements of the wedding God has planned for each one of us? God's Word addresses four things in this text.

Who is this coming up from the wilderness
       like columns of smoke,
scented with myrrh and frankincense
       from every fragrant powder of the merchant? (v. 6)

A GREAT WEDDING WILL BE A PUBLIC
CELEBRATION (V. 6)

A wedding should be one of the most exciting and important days in any person's life. It should not be entered into lightly or without careful consideration. God's plan is that you experience it only once until death parts you and your spouse. It legitimately should be a time of joy and laughter, happiness and hope. Solomon notes two particular facets which should accompany the public celebration.

A WEDDING IS A TIME THAT SHOULD BE SPECIAL

Marriages in the ancient Near East were civil rather than religious affairs. Most often they took place in a home. A central aspect of the wedding ceremony was a procession to the bride's home led by the groom. He would go and gather her unto himself, and then escort her back to their new home where the actual wedding ceremony would take place. The wedding feast sometimes would last up to a week. The marriage, however, would be consummated on the first night. The marriage was a special ritual in which the man publicly pledged himself to his bride and she to him. Solomon and his entourage have come to Shulammite's home to get her. The pageantry and procession would honor Shulammite and appropriately sanctify the day in all of its significance. The wedding day is not just another day. It is a once in a lifetime event. It is indeed special.

A WEDDING IS A TIME TO MAKE A STATEMENT

Solomon wants the world to know how much he loves this woman. As Shulammite comes out of the wilderness and into the city, “columns of smoke” appear to accompany her. We learn, however, that it is actually “myrrh and frankincense” mingled with “every fragrant powder of the merchant.” The burning of these spices would appeal to both the senses of sight and smell. These spices also would have been costly. This day would be the beginning of their new life together. Their commitment to each other is strong and secure. The celebration—and even the extravagance—of the procession is appropriate for such an important occasion. They intend to make a statement.

Without being opulent and ostentatious, a wedding should be a celebration. It should be festive but also spiritual. It should be a public testimony of the value we place on our mate and the worth of companionship. It is not God's plan that it take place quietly behind closed doors. It is a public affair!

Look! Solomon's royal litter
      
surrounded by 60 warriors
      
from the mighty of Israel.
All of them are skilled with swords
       and trained in warfare.
Each has his sword at his side
       to guard against the terror of the night. (vv. 7–8)

A GREAT WEDDING CONTAINS A PROMISE
OF PROTECTION (VV. 7–8)

When Solomon came for Shulammite, he did not come alone. He brought his companions. He brought his best. An escort of striking presence accompanied him. They enabled Solomon to make two statements about the marriage he and his bride would enjoy.

MARRIAGE PROVIDES SAFETY (V. 7)

The “60 warriors,” valiant men “from the mighty of Israel” were friends of the groom. They were Solomon's closest and most trusted confidants. Most likely they were his royal bodyguard, whose duty it was to protect the king and his family. By their presence they served as a pledge of safety from Solomon to Shulammite. They are warriors of “Israel,” of the nation.
¹¹
They surround Solomon's “royal litter” or carriage. She is safe under his protective care and concern. He will spare nothing to assure her heart and mind that she will be well cared for.

MARRIAGE PROVIDES SECURITY (V. 8)

The “60 warriors from the mighty of Israel” are experienced and skilled. Shulammite can put to rest any fears that might trouble her heart. They have their weapons and are experienced in the affairs of battle. Even at night when evil and wicked persons are especially active to do their shameful deeds, she can be at peace that all is safe and secure. Her man will see to it. He will be her champion and defender.

This marriage is no shaky situation with nagging doubts and unanswered questions. Shulammite is not marrying some cad who will abuse her. She is marrying a real man who will love and protect her.

Tommy Nelson provides a helpful word at this point in the context of the wedding ceremony. He writes:

Part of the safety and security of the wedding ceremony will be evident in the people who serve as your best man, maid or matron of honor, groomsmen, and bridesmaids. Choose godly people who will support you fully in the vows you make. As a whole, those who witness your marriage should be like a holy hedge of protection around you, keeping you focused toward each other inside the circle of matrimony, and keeping out anybody who might try to destroy your marriage. Don't ask someone to stand up for you who isn't completely committed to you, to your marriage, and in general, to the sanctity and value of marriage. Such a person will not encourage you to work through problems in your marriage. Such a person will not do the utmost to help you and your spouse when you need help. And they may embarrass you at rehearsal dinner!
¹²

King Solomon made a sedan chair for himself
      
with wood from Lebanon.
He made its posts of silver,
      
its back of gold,
      
and its seat of purple.
Its interior is inlaid with love
       
by the young women of Jerusalem. (vv. 9–10)

A GREAT WEDDING INCLUDES A PLEDGE
OF COMMITMENT (VV. 9–10)

The missing word in cohabiting relationships is the “c” word:
commitment.
When a man and woman come together to say the “I do's,” commitment envelopes each and every vow. There is a pledge of physical, spiritual, emotional, and personal commitment. In particular, two things are said.

ALL THAT I HAVE BELONGS TO YOU (VV. 9–10)

The carriage in which Solomon brought Shulammite to their wedding was fine! It was made of the best materials money could buy. The wood was from Lebanon. The timbers from these forests were in great demand throughout the ancient Near East.
¹³
It was from this wood that Solomon had carved his “sedan chair” or carriage. Added to this were “posts of silver;” a “back of gold,” and a “seat of purple.” All of this was exquisitely beautiful and expensive. It was Solomon's way of saying, “I will keep nothing back from you. All I have now belongs to you. You will always get my best.”

Today, sometimes even in marriage, all that we have is not shared with our mate. In 1999, I was sad to learn that the best-selling book in Amazon.com's marriage category was
How to Write Your Own Premarital Agreement.
A publicist at Source books, where they hang the congratulatory plaque, said, “Kind of funny, isn't it? We put out all these books on love and marriage, and this is the bestseller.”
¹⁴
A wedding that honors God and our mate does not come with strings attached or things held back. If you are not confident that your potential mate is worthy of all that belongs to you, perhaps you should reconsider your potential mate and why you are even thinking about marrying this person in the first place.

ALL MY LOVE BELONGS TO YOU (V. 10)

The interior of Solomon's carriage was unusual. It was “inlaid with love by the young women of Jerusalem.” Some students of the Bible believe mosaics depicting love adorned the interior of the carriage. Duane Garrett suggests “inlaid with love” alludes to an association between “sedan chair” and “bed” and is a subtle hint at their approaching wedding night.
¹⁵
Whatever is true of the particular details, the main point is clear: they loved each other, and they pledged that love to each other at their wedding.