God on Sex: The Creator's Ideas About Love, Intimacy, and Marriage (17 page)

A husband is commanded to find satisfaction (Prov. 5:19) and joy (Eccles. 9:9) in his wife and to concern himself with meeting her unique needs (Deut. 24:5; 1 Pet. 3:7). A wife also has responsibilities. These include: (1) availability (1 Cor. 7:3–5), (2) preparation and planning (Song 4:9ff.), (3) interest (Song 4:16; 5:2), and (4) sensitivity to unique masculine needs (Gen. 24:67). The feeling of oneness experienced by husband and wife in the physical, sexual union should remind both partners of the even more remarkable oneness that the spirit of a man and a woman experiences with God in spiritual new birth (John 3).

There is beauty and blessing in the Christian bedroom. Here God says eat and drink deeply (5:1)! We have arrived (finally!) at the wedding night. The bride and groom are alone with only God as the unseen but welcomed guest. Here before us the couple consummates their marriage in intimate sexual union. Our passage, in exquisite poetry, provides for us a portrait of what a Christian bedroom should be.

How beautiful you are, my darling.
How very beautiful!
Behind your veil,
     
your eyes are doves.
Your hair is like a flock a goats
     
streaming down Mt. Gilead.
Your teeth are like a flock of newly shorn sheep
     
coming up from the washing,
each one having a twin,
     
and not one missing.
Your lips are like a scarlet cord,
     
and your mouth is lovely.
Behind your veil,
     
your brow is like a slice of pomegranate.
Your neck is like the tower of David,
     
constructed in layers.
A thousand bucklers are hung on it—
     
all of them shields of warriors.
Your breasts are like two fawns,
     
twins of a gazelle, that feed among the lilies.
Before the day breaks
     
and the shadows flee,
I'll make my way to the mountain of myrrh
     
and the hill of frankincense.
You are absolutely beautiful, my darling,
     
with no imperfection in you. (vv. 1–7)

LET IT BE A PLACE OF SATISFYING ATTRACTIVENESS
(VV. 1–7)

These verses are a song of admiration from the groom to his bride. The time for the sexual consummation of their marriage has arrived, and yet it will not happen until verse 16. True romance is “an environment of affection” in which sexual union will occur more often and with greater satisfaction. In other words, some essential preliminaries must precede the main event. Unfortunately, this is not always clear to a male. Having been aroused sexually, he is now on the prowl as a predator, and his bride can certainly feel the part of prey. Solomon was sensitive to this, and so he begins with the most important sex organ we have: the mind! Thinking about how his new wife might feel, he chooses first to cultivate an atmosphere of acceptance through carefully chosen words.

MEN: MEET YOUR WIFE'S NEED FOR VERBAL SUPPORT (VV. 1–7)

Three times, both at the beginning and the end of this song, Solomon tells Shulammite she is “beautiful.” Twice he calls her his “darling.” In verse 7 he says there is “no imperfection in you.” In his eyes she is the perfect woman for him.

Women are verbal creatures. They are moved by what they hear and by what they feel. “To a great extent, she thinks and feels [about herself] the way a man leads her to think and feel.”
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A man must learn to touch her heart (her mind) through her ear. This helps her feel good about herself, and it relaxes, prepares, and motivates her to give herself in passionate lovemaking to her husband. A wise man will understand the value of words, the right words, in preparation for sexual intimacy.

A study in
Psychology Today
noted that women are more likely to be disappointed with marriage than men, especially in the context of romance. Why?

One explanation is that as compared with men, they have higher expectations for intimacy, and thus react more negatively to conjugal reality. In a major national survey conducted in 1976 by the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan, more wives than husbands said that they wished their spouse talked more about thoughts and feelings, and more wives felt resentment and irritation with husbands than vice versa. The researchers conclude: In marriage … women talk and want verbal responsiveness of the kind they have had with other women, but their men are often silent partners, unable to respond in kind.
³

WOMEN: MEET YOUR HUSBAND'S NEED FOR VISUAL STIMULATION (VV. 1–6)

If a woman is a creature of the ear, a man is a creature of the eye. He is moved by what he sees. Verses 1–6 are a continuation of Solomon's song of admiration as he praises eight different parts of his wife's body. This would continue to meet her need for verbal support, especially as we unlock the doors to the Ancient Near Eastern images we encounter. At the same time these verses also teach us something about the male and how visual he is when it comes to sex. A brief survey of these verses makes clear that Shulammite was not clothed in sweats, flannel, or burlap! Apparently, only a veil covered her eyes. The rest of her body was in full view; and Solomon liked, he loved, what he saw. Still his patience and understanding are singularly remarkable. What an incredible example he sets for men everywhere.

Women in the Ancient Near East wore a veil only on special occasions such as the day of their wedding. Solomon says, “Behind your veil, your eyes are doves.” The veil both hides and enhances her beauty. His likening of her eyes to doves conveys ideas of peace and purity, tranquility and tenderness, gentleness and innocence (cf. 1:15; 2:14; 5:2). Her eyes speak; they communicate to her husband that she has been calmed and set at rest by his kind and affirming words.

“Your hair is like a flock of goats streaming down Mount Gilead” would probably not get a guy very far in our day, but it would have been lovely music to the ears of Shulammite. Viewed from afar, a herd of black goats streaming or skipping down a mountainside as the sun glistened on their black hair was a beautiful sight. As Shulammite prepared to give herself to her husband, she let her hair down. Cascading down her neck and across her shoulders, her beautiful wavy locks entice the sexual desires of Solomon. Mount Gilead was a mountain range east of the Jordan River and northeast of the Dead Sea. It was known for its good and fertile pastures. Shulammite is herself vigorous and fertile on this their wedding night. Letting her hair down signals to Solomon her readiness for him.

Verses 2–3 focus on the beauty of her mouth. Her teeth are clean, bright, and white; none are missing! Her “lips are like a scarlet cord” (thread). Indeed, her mouth is beautiful. It is beautifully shaped and enticing to her man. There is some question, because of the unusual Hebrew word used here for “mouth,” whether Solomon has in view physical or verbal pleasures which come from her mouth. An either/or decision is unnecessary. “Her mouth is … a fertile oasis with lovely words flowing out of it—not to mention possible heavy wet kissing.”
⁴
Her lips and her words both are prizes of pleasure.

Her “brow” or temples behind the veil are compared to the halves of a pomegranate. They blushed red with desire, and the sweetness of their fruit invites Solomon to kiss them. Pomegranates were considered an aphrodisiac in the ancient world. Attractive to the eye and sweet to taste, the image appeals to the senses of both sight and taste.

Her neck was “like the tower of David constructed in layers” with the shields and weapons of Solomon's mighty men (cf. 3:7–8). She stands tall and graceful. She is neither cowed nor timid. Why should she be in the presence of a man who loves and admires her with such passion? The image “conveys a sense of unassailable strength. No man could conquer her, and her suitor is awed by the dignity she carries. Her love is a gift; it could never become plunder.”
⁵

Verses 5–6 draw attention to Shulammite's breasts. First, they are compared to “twins of a gazelle that feed among the lilies.” They are soft and attractive, tender and delicate, making her husband want to touch and caress them gently. Second, he describes them as two mountains: one a “mountain of myrrh” and the other a “hill of frankincense.” Both spices were expensive and used as perfume for the body and the marriage bed. (Prov. 7:17 informs us that the harlot perfumes her bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon.) Now the senses of sight and smell are aroused. So enraptured is Solomon that he desires to make love to his wife all night long: “Before the day breaks and the shadows flee.”

Time and tenderness are essential twins for a sexually and romantically attractive bedroom. Here we see that slow, romantic foreplay is underway. Solomon visually and literally, undresses his bride. He praises her specifically and in detail for everything he sees. He gives before receiving. He is as much concerned, if not more so, for her pleasure and satisfaction than he is his own. He is loving her as Christ has loved us (Eph. 5:25ff).

We really don't know what Shulammite looked like. What we do know is what she looked like to Solomon. In his eyes she was beautiful, gorgeous; no one compared to her. This bedroom is a place of satisfying attractiveness: both to Solomon and to Shulammite.

Come with me from Lebanon, my bride—
     
with me from Lebanon!
Descend from the peak of Amana,
     
from the summit of Senir and Hermon,
     
     
from the dens of lions,
     
from the mountains of the leopards.
You have captured my heart, my sister, my bride.
     
You have captured my heart with one glance of your eyes,
     
with one jewel of your necklace.
How delightful your love is, my sister, my bride!
Your love is much better than wine,
     
and the fragrance of your perfume than any balsam.
Your lips drip sweetness like the honeycomb, my bride.
Honey and milk are under your tongue.
The fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon. (vv. 8–11)

LET IT BE A PLACE OF SENSUAL ANTICIPATION
(VV. 8–11)

Humans are apparently the only creatures on the planet who see sex as fun. Some say possible exceptions are dolphins and pygmy chimps! Almost without exception we think about and anticipate the sexual experience. We give this area of life a lot of time and attention. Some people will order videos like Dr. Sandra Scantling's
Ordinary Couples, Extraordinary Sex, “
The sex education videos that increase sexual pleasure for both partners,” advertised in major American magazines. We will attend seminars like “Getting the Love You Want,” “Resexing Marriage,” “Resurrecting Sex: The Passionate Marriage Approach,” “Marital Sex As It Ought to Be,” and “Hot Monogamy.”

In the spring of 1999 many major magazines ran stories about the sensual power of chemicals called pheromones that will “boost your sex appeal and change your social and sex life forever. Science and nature's sexual secret weapon!” The high-octane potion could be ordered via a 1-888 number for $34.95 a bottle (plus $3.00 shipping and handling regardless of how many bottles you order), and with an unconditional satisfaction guarantee. “If you do not find you are meeting and dating and scoring with more people of the opposite sex after … 30 days, simply return the unused portion … for a full refund—no questions asked.”

Yes, we think and talk a great deal about sex, but far too often we don't understand it, at least not as God intended. The results of going our own way have not been pretty. Perhaps God has had it right all along. When it comes to sensual anticipation, what counsel do we receive from Him?

INVITE YOUR MATE TO COME TO YOU (V. 8)

Solomon's complete attention has been on his wife. There is only one first-person reference in the first seven verses (v. 6). Biblical sex will always be focused on one's mate before it looks to one's self. Then, and only then, is it the right time to take lovemaking to the next level. Solomon has called Shulammite his “darling.” Now he calls her his “bride.”

He calls her to leave where she is and come to him. Lebanon was near her home. The other mountain ranges mentioned are in the general area as well. The lion's den and the mountains of the leopards perhaps represent fears Shulammite may have. He does not charge her; he calls to her. He does not demand; he invites. He invites her to leave her home and her fears behind. He will care for her. He will love her. She is his love, his darling. She is his bride, his wife. Five times in verses 8–12 Solomon refers to her as his bride. Sensual anticipation must be clothed with words of safety and security if it expects a warm reception. Solomon's invitation is beautifully delivered.

INDICATE HOW YOUR MATE CAPTIVATES YOU (VV. 9–11)

It would seem that Shulammite responded in a positive manner to Solomon's invitation. Solomon's words in verses 9–11 would seem to affirm this. He begins by saying Shulammite has “captured” or “ravished” his heart. Her love was so overpowering that he could not resist her. Her love had captured his heart, and he could not escape. Just a glance of her eye or seeing one link in her necklace sent him swooning out of control. She was enchanting, and he was powerless to resist her spell.

Solomon then says something that is very strange to our ears. He again calls Shulammite his “bride,” but he also refers to her as his “sister,” something he does no less than five times (cf. 4:9–10, 12; 5:1–2). Again we must understand the use of the word in its historical context. In the Ancient Near East
sister
was a term of affection and friendship. In addition to its literal meaning, it could indicate a close and intimate relationship that a husband and wife enjoyed. True lovers will also be true friends, even best friends. This is something Solomon understood well.