God on Sex: The Creator's Ideas About Love, Intimacy, and Marriage (16 page)

Sometime back I came across an article in a popular fashion magazine that contrasted
love
with
lust.
If we would be honest, in the red-hot passions that lead to marriage, we are not always sure of or even in control of our mind, will, and emotions. We have reached hormone heaven. Who needs to think at a time like this? Answer: All of us! All of us need to weigh carefully what is going on and to make sure that what we have is lasting love and not passing lust. Love does not equal sex, and sex does not equal love. Note the stark contrast that exists between love and lust. Give to each category strong consideration as it relates to your potential mate and partner for life.

Love

1. Focuses on the other

     “
Let each of you look not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others”
(Philippians 2:4 NKJV).

2. Leads to fulfillment

     “
To know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God … who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us”
(Ephesians 3:19, 20 NKJV).

3. Brings satisfaction

     “
No discipline seems pleasant … but later it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it”
(Hebrews 12:11 NIV).

4. Encourages self-control

     “
I discipline my body and bring it into subjection”
(I Corinthians 9:27 NKJV).

5. Desires to live by the Spirit

     “
Live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature”
(Galatians 5:16 NIV).

6. Includes Christ

       “
Clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature”
(Romans 13:14 NIV).

7. Seeks God to gain its desires

       “
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart”
(Psalm 37:4 NIV).

8. Prevents sin

      “
Love your neighbor as yourself. But if you bite and devour one another, take heed that you are not consumed by one another”
(Galatians 5:14, 15 NKJV).

9. Nourishes the soul

     “
May God Himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless”
(I Thessalonians 5:23 NIV).

10. Commits to one another (“free love” is a contradiction of terms)

     “
You have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but by love serve one another”
(Galatians 5:13 NKJV).

Lust

1. Focuses on self

    “
You have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh”
(Galatians 5:13 NKJV).

2. Leads to frustration

    “
You want something, but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want”
(James 4:2 NIV).

3. Continually wants more

    “
They are separated from the life of God … and have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more”
(Ephesians 4:18–19 NIV).

4. Enslaves self

    “
To whom you present yourselves servants to obey, you are that one's servants … you have presented your members as servants to uncleanness, and lawlessness”
(Romans 6:16, 19 NKJV).

5. Desires to gratify the sinful nature with things contrary to the Spirit

    “
The sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit”
(Galatians 5:17 NIV). “
The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies and the like”
(Galatians 5:19–21 NIV).

6. Excludes Christ

    “
Since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, He gave them over to a depraved mind … they have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity”
(Romans 1:28, 29 NIV).

7. Sins to gratify its desires

    “
All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts”
(Ephesians 2:3 NIV).

8. Entices with evil desires

    “
But each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed”
(James 1:14 NIV).

9. Wars against the soul

    “
I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul”
(1 Peter 2:11 NIV).

10. Avoids commitment and leads to tragedy

    “
Don't lust for their beauty. Don't let their coyness seduce you. For a prostitute will bring a man to poverty, and an adulteress may cost him his very life”
(Proverbs 6:25, 26 TLD).
¹⁶

Come out, young women of Zion,
     and gaze at King Solomon,
     wearing the crown his mother placed on him
     the day of his wedding—
     the day of his heart's rejoicing. (v. 11)

A WEDDING HAS THE APPROVAL OF OTHERS (V. 11)

Sociologist Barbara Dafoe Whitehead has said, “Courtship is dying, lasting marriage is in crisis … kiss marriage goodbye… . Today it's hookup, breakup and get even. Is everybody happy?"
¹⁷
Newspaper columnist Suzanne Fields says in today's world women are not winning but losing, and losing big time. She directs our attention to the self-help section of our bookstores for a quick perusal of titles:
The Heartbreak Handbook; Getting Over Him; How to Heal the Hurt by Hating; Dumped: A Survival Guide for the Woman Who's Been Left by the Man;
and my personal favorite:
The Woman's Book of Revenge: Getting Even When “Mr. Right” Turns Out to Be All Wrong.

Sometimes Mr. Right turns out to be Mr. Wrong. Cinderella turns out to be a wicked witch. Is there one last word of counsel that Solomon might give us to guide us away from such a disaster? Yes there is, and it is simply this: Make sure you have the approval and blessing of others. There is wisdom in the counsel of many.

OUR FRIENDS WILL APPROVE

Notice that “the young women of Zion” come out to join in the celebration of the wedding. They approve. They are enthusiastic. In their mind this is a good and wonderful thing that is about to happen. They like Solomon when he is with Shulammite. She brings out the best in him, not the worst, when they are together. The same is true for Shulammite. She is a better and more beautiful woman when she is with Solomon. That is a good sign for which we should be on the lookout. My mate makes me better and others notice.

OUR FAMILIES WILL APPROVE

Solomon's mother approved of Shulammite. The potential for in-law problems does not loom over the wedding, as is too often the case. She had prepared for him a crown similar to an Olympian laurel wreath, which symbolized the gladness and joy of his wedding day. According to Rabbinic tradition, crowns were worn by the bridegroom and the bride until the destruction of Jerusalem in A.D. 70.
¹⁸
This was a day of happiness not only for the king and his queen but for all who shared in this wonderful event. Those who loved Solomon and Shulammite most were confident this marriage was meant to be and meant to last. Their approval is no guarantee, but it is an indication of the confidence both family and friends had in the rightness of this union. This is something every wise couple will carefully consider as they work to have a great wedding and a great marriage.

On April 13, 2000, an unusual thing occurred on the campus of a Baptist seminary in Wake Forest, North Carolina. Approximately 550 couples, hand in hand and heart to heart, reaffirmed their marriage vows in a worship service and signed a covenant pledging to “exalt the sacred nature and permanence of the marriage covenant.” The vows, penned by Paige Patterson and his wife, Dorothy, beautifully mirror the language of Ephesians 5:21–33 and are a wonderful expression of the covenantal commitment a husband and wife should pledge to each other on the day of their wedding. They also express the devotion and commitment that should characterize a marriage until death separates.

           
Husbands

My precious and honored wife, this day I renew before God my covenant with you. I covenant today, sacrificially to love you as Jesus loves His church. I covenant to bestow always upon you abundant honor. I will seek to know your needs and to provide for them materially, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I will seek your well-being, happiness and success above my own. Above all, I covenant to be the spiritual leader of our union, to provide a spiritual example through my walk with Christ, to teach the Bible, to pray for my family, and to lead family worship. I will be faithful to you physically, mentally, and emotionally and avoid all that is pornographic, impure, or unholy. I will not be angry or bitter against you nor allow the sun to go down on my wrath. I will not keep books on evil. I will cultivate tender affection for you both in private and in public. I will compassionately give to you my body and spirit in the union which we alone enjoy together. I covenant this day to accept the role of servant leader, and to be to my children and grandchildren, should God grant, a compassionate, encouraging, and guiding father. This day, I seal this covenant for as long as we both shall live.

         
Wives

My precious and honored husband, this day I renew before God my covenant with you. I covenant this day to love and respect you with all the fervency of my being. I covenant to make our home a place of repose and comfort. I will honor you as the spiritual leader of our home. I will devote myself to you and the offspring God may give above all others. I will graciously submit to your servant leadership never allowing the sun to go down on my wrath. I will not keep books on evil. I will regard my responsibilities as wife and mother as priority above all else except God. I will seek your well-being, happiness, and success rather than my own. I will compassionately give to you my body and spirit in the union which we alone enjoy together. This day, I seal this covenant for as long as we both shall live.
¹⁹

Chapter 8

The Beauty and Blessings of
Sex as God Planned It

THE SONG OF SONGS 4:1–5:1

In an article entitled, “What They Didn't Teach You About Sex in Sunday School,” Peggy Fletcher Stack writes, “Many people assume the Bible has just one message about sex: Don't do it.”
¹
Anyone who says that obviously has not read the Bible. God, in His Word, has a lot to say about sex, and much of it is good.

Sex as God designed it is good, exciting, intoxicating, powerful, and unifying. Though the Bible is not a book on sex, it does contain a complete theology of sexuality: the purposes for sex, warnings against its misuse, and a beautiful picture of ideal physical intimacy as set forth in the Song of Songs. The one-flesh relationship (cf. Gen. 2:24) is the most intense physical intimacy and the deepest spiritual unity possible between a husband and wife. God always approves of this relationship in which husband and wife meet each other's physical needs in sexual intercourse (cf. Prov. 5:15–21).

Paul indicates that sexual adjustment in marriage can affect the Christian life, especially prayer (cf. 1 Cor. 7:5). Both husband and wife have definite and equal sexual needs which are to be met in marriage (1 Cor. 7:3), and each is to meet the needs of the other and not his own (Phil. 2:3–5). God gave us the good gift of sex for several important reasons. These purposes include: (1) knowledge (cf. Gen. 4:1), (2) intimate oneness (Gen. 2:24), (3) comfort (Gen. 24:67), (4) the creation of life (Gen. 1:28), (5) play and pleasure (Song 2:8–17; 4:1–16), and (6) avoiding temptation (1 Cor. 7:2–5).