How to Beat Up Anybody

CHAPTER ZERO:

A lot of books start off with a pompous prologue or introduction—all that boring junk that nobody cares about. I’m starting off with action. This book is about me, Judah Friedlander, The World Champion, teaching you karate.

I am the greatest martial artist in the world. This is the greatest instructional martial arts book ever made. This book can beat up any other book.

This book is dedicated to the keys on my keyboard. Because they took a beating. I broke a key every time I typed on it. My fingers are just too strong. I destroyed over 50 thousand typewriters and keyboards while writing this book.

This book is 100% written by me. Parts of it were typed using the severed fingers of my victims. So technically, maybe some coauthoring credits are due. But I don’t remember their names. So forget it.

The book you are holding was not mass-produced. Each HOW TO BEAT UP ANYBODY book was made individually by me by hand. And foot. In the book, I have handwritten and footwritten my personal notes and I have already circled and highlighted the extra-important stuff. Even though this book comes pre-highlighted, you should highlight all of the words in it.

I’ll admit, I’m not a strong reader. And some of you probably aren’t either.

That’s one of the reasons I’ve included a lot of photos in this book. They say “a picture is worth a thousand words.” So I’d say this book has a billion words in it.

After reading this book, you will be able to beat up anybody, including anybody who has also read this book.

Let’s stop messing around and get to the action.

I begin by showing you how to beat up 4 people at once. If you can learn to beat up 4 people simultaneously, beating up one person will be easy.

When you’re fighting on a rooftop, you want to put on a good show. Look at all those buildings. There’s some hot horny chicks in them watching from their apartment windows, and they’re looking for a real man. Some girls get turned off when witnessing a violent fight. But when that fight takes place on a rooftop, 100% of them get turned on.

The strategy in a 1 vs. 4 fight is: step on the head of the biggest guy first. Then use your new
height advantage to take out the rest of the pussies
.

When I first saw these rooftop punks, it was
this guy’s
fat head that I noticed first . . . and that my foot would fit perfectly on it. That’s how I look at the world: “Whose head would be the most effective to stand on, work as a balancing base, and give me the height advantage, so I can beat up other people?”
If you want to be a great fighter you must be able to think differently than the normal person
. Without this guy’s big head, this fight would’ve been a little tougher. Sometimes fighting 4 is easier than 3. These guys made a big mistake attacking me. I’m impossible to stop 1 on 1. But when it’s 4 on 1 against me, it’s more than impossible. My style is too hard to figure out. And my power is too immeasurable.

I step on his neck to take away his offensive abilities. It clips the nerves to his arms and hands, making them spasm and contort.
With one move, I’ve eliminated the 2 main attacking parts of his body
.

To get good at this, practice standing on someone’s head for 1 hour straight 3 times a week. It’s great training for you, but dangerous for your friend if he has a normal-sized head.
So find a friend with a huge head
.

I beat up the other 3 punks from right to left. I break the rib cage of the guy on the far right with one kick to his chest, forcing the contents inside his broken rib cage to spill out of it.

The guy
in the middle was the easiest to beat up.
He is the only one wearing a winter hat. Which means he has no tolerance for pain. If his head can’t take the cold air, there’s no way it can take the heat of my punch. And he’s standing up too straight. Good pedestrian posture is not the same thing as good fight posture.

The guy
on the left is almost as lame as the leather jacket loser. He’s wearing a short-sleeved shirt over a long-sleeved shirt. If he didn’t know what weather temperature to prepare for, how’s he going to know what kind of a fight to prepare for? A fighter like this has no vision.
If you don’t have good vision, you can’t visualize
an incoming punch or kick ahead of time and be ready to defend against it.

Before you get into any fight, you should instantly think of at least 14 moves you can hurt your opponent with, all of your opponents’ corresponding reactions, as well as 10 offensive moves your opponent might use.
In this particular fight, you have to multiply all of that by 4
.

From looking at the photo and reading my analysis, you now know how to beat up 4 people on a rooftop. And you know how to beat up 4 people on the ground too,
because a rooftop fight is more difficult than a fight at sea level
. You now also possess the knowledge of how to beat up 1, 2, and 3 persons at once. This book hasn’t even officially started yet, and I’ve already taught you how to beat up more people than any other karate book teaches in its entirety.

By the end of this book you will be able to beat up anybody, including anybody who’s ever written a karate book. Except for me. That’s impossible.