How to Beat Up Anybody (5 page)

I prepare this whole dish on my stovetop.
You don’t need a fancy kitchen to cook a great meal
. The same philosophy goes for fighting.
Never practice fighting at a gym or karate dojo
.
They’re not real life situations, and won’t prepare you for street fighting
. Notice that I’m not wearing an apron or gloves. Cooking is meant to be done with your hands and clothes. You can’t be afraid to get dirty. Same goes for when you’re fighting.

THE PIZZA SANDWICH SHOULD WEIGH 30 POUNDS.

AND THAT MEANS THAT YOU WILL GAIN 30 POUNDS OF PUNCHING POWER FROM EATING IT.

Don’t let this delicious pizza sandwich cool down. You want it to be as hot as possible when you eat it. It’s good training for eating fire or beating up a dragon’s dad.

ATTACK THE FOOD.

THE ROOF OF MY MOUTH CAN BURN A PIZZA.

Eat it as fast as you can. Speed-eating is a good workout for your jaw muscles and it makes your teeth stronger.

Do not chew your food too much
. “Proper chewing” is a
myth created by dentists
who know nothing about karate. “Proper chewing” or as I call it, “
over-chewing
” is bad for your digestive system. If you only bite your food once before swallowing it,
your stomach muscles will then be forced to work extra hard to digest it
. And that’s how stomach muscles get stronger.
That’s why I have ab muscles in my chest
. I’ve gained too many stomach muscles, ran out of room, so they were forced to relocate up to my chest.

IF YOU START TO GET FULL, PUSH IT.

Always eat standing up
. You cannot see an incoming enemy if you’re sitting down.
The best way to relax, is to never relax
.

Always save some food for later. Wrap the leftovers in steel foil. Food can stay fresh for up to
6 months
without refrigeration when it is wrapped in
steel foil
.

THIS PHOTO HAS BEEN CROPPED FOR YOUR SAFETY.

AFTER EATING THIS MEAL, I GET SUCH A RUSH OF POWER: MY EYES BECOME SO STRONG THEY CAN BLIND YOU.

And they wouldn’t cause temporary blindness like they did to the pizza delivery guy. It would be permanent, and then you couldn’t finish reading the rest of this book. The first 30 minutes after I eat a meal is when I am most powerful.

Now you know the proper way to cook and eat the Homemade World Champion Pizza Sandwich.

If you eat the way I do, you will be a winner
. This eating knowledge I have given you is invaluable. Eat 5 of these pizza sandwiches every day, and you’ll be prepared to train to become the best fighter that you can be.

INDOOR TRAINING: AT HOME

You don’t need fancy equipment to train. All you need is your body and your mind. Here I show you how to train for strength, endurance, speed, and agility, all while working on your fighting technique at the same time. These drills don’t just get you in shape;
they get you in shape to fight
.

Before you train, your home must be set up properly
.

I HAVE A 3-LAYERED SYSTEM TO COMPLETELY BLOCK OUT SUNLIGHT: MANILA ENVELOPES, BLINDS, AND A DENIM DRAPE THAT WEIGHS 100 POUNDS.

MY CEILINGS ARE 30 FEET HIGH SO THAT I HAVE ENOUGH ROOM TO PRACTICE MY LOW JUMPS.

When you train for a fight, you don’t want anyone to be able to see you
. That’s why I recommend that you
make your own drapes
—to ensure that no one can spy through your window.

The best way to train for karate is in total darkness. At first, you won’t be able to see anything. But then your other senses will be forced to work harder and they will become more powerful. After a while, your eyes will train themselves to be able to see in the darkness as well.
Nobody is more dangerous than a night-fighter
. Anyone can learn to fight during the day, but very few can master night-fighting.

When I train at home, I generate so much heat and humidity the paint melts off my walls. The air conditioner is able to cool things down to a nice temperature of 120˚.

Now that you’ve been instructed how to keep your at-home training facility pitch-black and 100% private, let’s start with the indoor training exercises.

All the photos in this section were filmed in complete darkness.

Start your training with oven door sit-ups.

OVEN DOOR SIT-UPS

PRACTICE KARATE PUNCHES AS YOU DO SIT-UPS.

The oven should be turned on high.
Doing sit-ups with 500˚ heat blowing in your face makes you tougher
.
Sometimes I’ll cook a turkey in the oven and eat it while doing the sit-ups
.

You should be moving so fast that after a while, you won’t feel the heat from the oven because the speed of your body is generating more heat than the oven. If you do this, you will
feel a cool breeze coming from the 500˚ oven
.

This is the best abs exercise in the world. I do this for 4 hours a day 5 times a day.
Try to do at least 80 sit-ups per minute if you’re a beginner
.

After working on your stomach muscles, you should work on your back muscles.Refrigerator back squats are the best way to strengthen your back muscles.

REFRIGERATOR BACK SQUATS

INCORRECT FORM

Here I purposefully display incorrect technique. I want you to write in the space below at least 5 things I’m doing wrong here.

The back squat technique is fine, but I should be
practicing karate kicks as I lift the 2,000-pound fridge with my back
. In addition to having food in the fridge, I load it up with 1,500 pounds of weights. And I should be on my toes.
The toes are the most underrated part of the body and one of the strongest
. They hold up your body all day and spring it into action.

After doing squats, start your knuckle training with refrigerator punches.

KNUCKLE STRENGTHENING

Punching a refrigerator prepares you for a fight much more than hitting a punching bag at the gym
. A punching bag is soft, and only 18 inches wide. Trust me, you will never have to fight someone who’s only 18 inches wide. But
this fridge
is 3 feet wide, and
it’s as hard as metal because it is metal
.

Your punches should have enough power to get the fridge bouncing back and forth like a speed bag at a pace of 30 times per minute.

Work your left knuckles too.
You shouldn’t be right-handed or left-handed
.
You need to be double-handed
. And make sure you train each knuckle on each hand. Every knuckle should be of equal strength.
Your opponent can never find your weakness if you don’t have one
.

MAKE YOUR WEAKEST FINGER YOUR STRONGEST.

PRACTICE PUSHING THE FRIDGE UP AND DOWN WITH JUST YOUR LITTLE FINGER.

After all the strength training, it’s time to work on hand-eye coordination by juggling 8 cans of beans. Cans are better than professional juggling balls because they’re exactly the width of a person’s neck if you’re choking it.

Historical fact: Juggling is not just for clowns. In the 1800s, clowns used to be the most feared fighters in the world. They wore clown makeup to hide their identity because they were wanted criminals.

WHILE I’M JUGGLING, I OPEN THE CANS WITH MY BARE HANDS AND EAT THE BEANS. THEN I EAT THE METAL CANS AND WORK ON MY TEETH STRENGTH. AND THAT’S WHEN I KNOW I’M FINISHED WITH THIS JUGGLING EXERCISE.

After your indoor training sessions, there are several things you must do. You must weigh yourself after every session.

225 POUNDS IS THE PERFECT FIGHTING WEIGHT, NO MATTER HOW TALL YOU ARE.

ALWAYS WEIGH 225 POUNDS.

MY REGULAR HEIGHT IS 7 FOOT, 5 INCHES.

I HAVE MY SPECIAL SHOWER HEAD THAT SPRAYS WATER AT 120 MPH. THIS WAY I CAN PREPARE FOR AN OUTDOOR HURRICANE FIGHT IN MY OWN HOME.

The water temperature can get up to over 300˚ Celsius, which
prepares me for volcano karate tournaments
. You should definitely invest in one of these shower heads. It will improve your fighting.

Do not overshower
. If you’re training 5 hours a day, shower twice a week. Any more than that, and you’re wasting water.
If you shower too often, your natural skin grease comes off
. Your skin grease can protect you in a fight. If you’re greasy and you get kicked in the face, your opponent’s foot will slide right off your face. But if you have just showered, his kick might knock you out. Studies have been done calculating the frequency of how often a person showers versus how often they get beat up. And the numbers are staggering. So, limit your showering.

WASHING YOUR HANDS IS IMPORTANT. BUT DON’T USE TOO MUCH WATER.