How to Beat Up Anybody (10 page)
Read How to Beat Up Anybody Online
Authors: Judah Friedlander
Unicyclists are dangerous. They have excellent balance, are resourceful, and usually work alone—so they have to be tough.
If you ever see someone on a unicycle, start Self-Offense immediately
.
This unicyclist has the height advantage. He approached so quickly, I didn’t have time to RE-SIZE.
A HARD KICK TO HIS ABDOMEN CAUSES HIM TO LOSE BALANCE.
BY NATURE, UNICYCLISTS ARE SHOW-OFFS. SO THEIR OFFENSE IS STRONG, BUT THEIR DEFENSE IS WEAK.
MY ONE KICK HAS KNOCKED HIM OFF HIS ONE WHEEL.
REMAIN IN ATTACK POSITION TO MAKE SURE HE’S UNCONSCIOUS.
A POGO-STICK STOMP TO THE FACE WILL DEMOBILIZE THE UNICYCLIST.
In 5 weeks, the unicyclist should wake up from a coma. And in about 2 years, he’ll be
50% back to normal
. By then he should be able to comprehend the lesson I have taught him: Do not threaten people arrogantly with a unicycle.
Ninja attacks have been a problem in rural and suburban neighborhoods for years. And now, home invasions by ninjas in urban communities are on the rise at an alarming rate. Ninja attacks are up 30% just in the last 2 days. Traditionally, ninjas are nocturnal warriors who prefer to attack in groups, and wear all black so that they blend with the night. But with tough economic times, they have grown increasingly desperate, and have begun to attack during the daytime as well, often without teammates.
Ninjas claim to have invisible powers, shapeshifting ability, and the gift of flight.
They have an incredible mystique, but compared to me, a lame reality.
I will show you how to successfully defend against a ninja home invasion.
THESE CHICKS HAVE JUST FINISHED WATCHING MY INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO “HOW TO HAVE SEX WITH THE WORLD CHAMPION PART 3 IN 3-D” AND ARE ABOUT TO SHOW ME WHAT THEY LEARNED.
A NINJA APPEARS IN THE WINDOW.
THIS NINJA IS JEALOUS OF ME BECAUSE I’M WITH 3 LADIES, AND HE’S BEEN TRAINING WITH DUDES ALL DAY.
He thinks I don’t see him. But I do—in the
reflection on the TV screen
. I also heard him arrive at my window. Ninjas are masters at moving silently. But
I was born with owl eardrums
, and I used to be a security guard at the Mime Library, where I was
trained to hear silence
.
I SURPRISE HIM WITH A FLYING COMBINATION KICK-PUNCH.
THE NINJA’S SURPRISE ATTACK HAS FAILED.
I’ve never been surprised. Except twice:
once when I broke my own power punching record without even trying to break it. And the other time was when I made love to 10 women in 10 minutes, but then found out it was really 12 women in 5 minutes.
MY FLYING COMBINATION KICK-PUNCH WAS A DECOY. BEFORE HE CAN REACT, I SWITCH TO A STANDING NECK-KICK.
I PRESS MY ARMS AGAINST THE WALL TO GIVE MY KICK MORE POWER.
Ninjas are well-trained in speed and agility, but not strength. That’s why you’ve never seen a 300-pound ninja.
I DECIDE TO TAKE THE FIGHT OUTSIDE ON THE FIRE ESCAPE. I DON’T WANT THE GIRLS GETTING HURT.
I WAS BORN ON A FIRE ESCAPE, SO THIS FIGHT IS GOING TO BE EASY.
WE’RE 170 FEET ABOVE GROUND. THIS IS A HIGH-STAKES BATTLE WITH NO ROOM FOR ERROR.
NINJAS TRAIN TO FIGHT AT HIGH ALTITUDES ON MOUNTAINS AND TOWERS, BUT NOT ON FIRE ESCAPES.
Fire escapes were invented in the 1800s.
The Ninja society started in the 1500s.
Because of their strict adherence to tradition, they still use their original training methods and
never learned how to fight properly on modern fire escapes
.
I KICK THE NINJA IN THE FACE AND CAUSE DAMAGE TO HIS FACE MUSCLES. NINJAS ARE BETTER AT DEFENDING PUNCHES THAN KICKS.
The ninja now wishes he was on the elevated subway that’s behind him in the distance, so he can take a ride back to ninja class. I grab the ninja’s right arm with my left hand so that he doesn’t fall down the fire escape steps when I kick him.
Even when you’re beating someone up it’s important to be safe
.
Kick him in the face
5 times from this position. 5 is an unlucky number for ninjas. Not 13.
I PUNCH THE NINJA IN THE JAW SO THAT HE’S UNABLE TO SPEAK AND CAN’T ASK THE GIRLS OUT ON A DATE.
