How to Beat Up Anybody (14 page)

I’M SQUEEZING THE SIDES OF HIS BIGFOOT BRAIN—WHICH CONTROL HIS LEGS. AND HIS LEGS CONTROL HIS FEET.
AND BIGFOOT FEET ARE THE BIGFOOT’S MOST DANGEROUS
WEAPONS. NEVER FIGHT A BIGFOOT WHO IS OPERATING AT FULL FOOT POWER.

THE BIGFOOT TRIES TO PUNCH ME BUT HE MISSES.

95% OF BIGFOOTS ARE LEFT-HANDED. SO I KNEW HIS FIRST PUNCH WOULD BE A LEFT HOOK. I LEAN BACK WITHOUT MOVING MY FEET. SOMETIMES THE BEST FOOTWORK IS NO FOOTWORK.

THE BIGFOOT TRIES TO YELL FOR HELP. BUT I SEVER HIS VOCAL CHORDS.

A BIGFOOT’S YELL CAN BE HEARD BY OTHER BIGFOOTS WHO ARE 300 MILES AWAY, AND THEY CAN SHOW UP IN 30 SECONDS TO HELP HIM.

I SHUT MY EYELIDS. IN A CLOSE-RANGE BIGFOOT FIGHT, IT’S BETTER TO RELY ON YOUR SENSE OF HEARING.

Position yourself so that the Bigfoot is facing east. He is weakest when facing that direction. After you elbow Bigfoot, you will hear a loud thud. That means you’ve knocked Bigfoot out. Bigfoots never play dead.

I DRAG THE BIGFOOT BACK TO MY DECK.

DO NOT DRAG THE BIGFOOT UP THE STEPS WITH BOTH HANDS. KEEP ONE HAND FREE FOR SAFETY.

BIGFOOTS ARE VERY HEAVY.
ARCH YOUR BACK AS YOU LIFT HIM UP
SO THAT YOU ISOLATE YOUR BACK MUSCLES. NEVER LIFT WITH YOUR LEGS.

I BEAT UP THE BIGFOOT IN FRONT OF THE SAME FOOD THAT TRIGGERED HIM TO TRESPASS ONTO MY PROPERTY.

I SMASH THE GRILL COVER DOWNWARD ON HIS HEAD TO GUARANTEE THAT HE CAN’T OPEN HIS MOUTH AND EAT MY FOOD WHILE I BEAT HIM UP.

I DRAG THE BIGFOOT TO MY REGULATION-SIZE BASKETBALL COURT.

BIGFOOTS TAKE GREAT PRIDE IN BASKETBALL. IT’S THEIR NATIONAL SPORT. NOT SOCCER, AS IT IS COMMONLY BELIEVED. BIGFOOTS ARE VERY RESILIENT. I CAN SENSE THAT HE’S STARTING TO RECOVER.

Bigfoots do not start a basketball game with a coin toss, because the Bigfoot community has no currency. Who gets first possession is determined by a telekinetic tug of war with the ball.

HERE, BIGFOOT AND I ARE MAKING THE BALL LEVITATE.

WHOEVER CAN TELEKINETICALLY SLAM IT INTO THE OTHER’S FACE GETS THE BALL FIRST. BIGFOOTS CONSIDER THIS TELEKINETIC LEVITATING BASKETBALL BATTLE TO BE THE ULTIMATE TEST OF MANHOOD. RIGHT NOW IT’S AN EVEN MATCH. IT CAN LAST A COUPLE OF HOURS.

BUT MY TELEKINETIC SKILLS ARE BETTER. THE BIGFOOT IS HUMILIATED.

MY ESP POWERS AND SIZING ABILITY ARE 2 OF THE MANY REASONS I’M BANNED FROM PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL WORLDWIDE.

Special Note:
In karate, it’s advantageous to have telekinetic powers
. Like invisibility it cannot be taught. You have to be born with it. But if you do have it, you can develop and increase your powers. If you are one of those people, I can help you. Just connect with me telepathically and I’ll give you some pointers. If you don’t hear back from me, it means that you do not have real telepathic powers because when you tried to connect with me telepathically, you failed.

THE BIGFOOT CANNOT DEFEND AGAINST MY HOOK SHOT.

MY HOOK SHOT IS ACTUALLY A PASS TO MYSELF.

THERE ARE NO REFEREES IN BIGFOOT BASKETBALL.

I HANG ON TO THE RIM AFTER MY DUNK. THEN SWING OVER TO THE BIGFOOT FOR AN UNANNOUNCED AERIAL ASSAULT.