How to Beat Up Anybody (17 page)

Photo 5:
I have now rendered him harmless. It
is safe for me to leave.

Photo 6:
But first I take his weapon, so I can
study it and learn how to use it.

Photo 7:
I experiment with the weapon and test
it out. The swiveling motion that it naturally puts me into is a good workout for my
upper abs. And to my surprise, it’s a lot of fun. I think they should make a
harmless version of this weapon and turn it into some kind of a toy for whole
families to enjoy. It seems like a fun simple gizmo that should’ve been
invented in the 1950s.

That was a lot of one-armed guys to beat up in 20 minutes on that one
morning five years ago. I don’t know if they were twins, but I do know that
there is no way it was the same person. I never saw any of them again. Until . .
.

I often leave my trunk open as a ploy to catch thieves. But this
one-armed guy wasn’t stealing anything. He looked exactly like the one-armed
twins I beat up five years ago, but
his hair was
longer
. So I knew
he couldn’t be one of
their twins because he’s not identical
.
Twins always have the exact same hairdo
. He might be dangerous, but I
gave him the benefit of the doubt, even though he had a suspicious look on his
face.

I told him that 5 years ago, I beat up four dudes that looked exactly
like him except they had shorter hair and were not as tan or as old-looking. He
said, “I know.” He told me his name was “Mark” but to
call him “Joe.” And then he told me his story. Joe told me that the 4
twins I beat up five years ago were actually not his twins and were not even related
to him. Turns out, Joe had been trying to find these guys because they all copied
his appearance and were committing crimes in the neighborhood—so that if they
got caught, they wouldn’t get blamed and Joe would.
It was a classic case of identity theft
. This is the exact same kind of
atrocity that happens to millions of Americans every day. Joe thanked me over and
over again for beating up all of his impostors. I asked him why he waited so long to
approach me. He said he tried, but that every time I beat up one of his impostors,
I left the scene too quickly
. (Because of my
foot speed training, I was just too fast for Joe to catch up to me.) And Joe
didn’t even recognize
me until just now, because
on that day five years ago,
I was dressed
undercover
.

It felt good to have the 4-fake-twins-with-one-arm-mystery finally
solved. Even though we still don’t know who they are, where they came from,
why they chose Joe, or how they had the technology to become duplicates of him. Joe
asked if I could teach him karate. I said, “I already helped you by beating
up 4 men who stole your identity, and now you want me to help you again? No problem.
I’m the World Champion and I’m always here to help.” He said
that he owns my old instructional karate videotape from 1985, “How to Beat Up
Your Dad,” and has been studying it for years. So I told him that he was
cool. And that we’d practice fighting as a team just for fun.

Learning to fight with a teammate is important because it helps you
understand how to fight better against teammates. I call this
reverse training strategy
.

HERE WE PRACTICE A SURPRISE 2-MAN ATTACK FROM THE TRUNK OF A CAR.
I OPERATE A COMPLEX AERIAL ATTACK WHILE joe DOES A SIMPLE GROUND ATTACK.

3 FISTS. 1 TEAM.

We burst out of the trunk
unexpectedly
. I
navigate from flying kick to flying kick without ever touching the ground, while Joe
stays in the same spot practicing very basic ground tactics. I don’t land in
between kicks because that’s a waste of time. I stay hovering 2 to 3 feet off
the ground because that is the optimal height to be at when you kick someone in the
face. I like to do at least 15 aerial kicks per jump. I’m operating way above
normal human power here, and I’m not wearing my undercover clothes anymore.
When I decide to land, I do not look at the ground. It is important to keep your
head up so that you can scope out incoming attackers. Joe and I did 20 sets of
this.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN:

In the previous chapter, I showed you how to beat up someone with one arm. Now I will teach you how to beat up someone with 3 arms. Being assaulted by a 3-armed person is currently a rare situation you could find yourself in. But
statistics show that people with 3 arms are becoming more commonplace
because of pollution, drugs, and overpopulation.
In the future, many more people will have 3 arms
, because they will opt for additive limb surgery. Adding a 3rd arm will give wealthy people an unfair advantage in sports. It’s the steroids of the future.

But in this chapter, I will show you that
two arms can be better than three
. A 3-armed fighter does have one disadvantage. His brain has to choreograph three arms instead of two. This takes the brain extra time and can slow down the 3-armed fighter, especially if you get him off his game plan. One time, in the future, I had three arms added to me, making a total of five arms, just so that my brain could practice relaying messages to my limbs at a faster speed. My brain can coordinate 5 arms faster than your brain can coordinate 2. I have studied the 3-armed attacker and now I will show you how to defeat him.

I BLOCK HIS 2 RIGHT FISTS WITH ONE ARM.

There’s no time to plan out your moves against a 3-armed fighter. You must improvise. Because he has 2 right arms,
his right side will be more difficult to defend and penetrate
. You’ll probably have to start out on defense.

I DODGE 3 PUNCHES AT ONCE BECAUSE OF MY SUPERIOR FLEXIBILITY.

You have to react quickly and instinctively.
If there’s one thing I teach you in this book: it’s to trust your instinct
.
Unless your instinct sucks
. I say “instinct” not “instincts” for the same reason I say “instinctively” and not “instinctstively.” I’m perfectly off-balance here. Sometimes the best balance is off-balance.

I LET HIM CHOKE MY NECK ON PURPOSE.

My neck is stronger than his fist and it will break his hand. I train my neck for situations just like this. To strengthen my neck, I have 10 lumberjacks surround me and hit my neck with giant logs of wood at the same time.

THE FINGERS ON HIS 3RD HAND ARE BROKEN FROM TRYING TO SQUEEZE MY NECK.

My neck is worshipped in Laos. In 1993 all paper currency in Laos had a picture of my neck on it. I move sideways to avoid his incoming left punch.

I PUNCH HIS UNPROTECTED FACE.

You have to think 4 steps ahead to stay one step ahead of a 3-armed man. When you take away an opponent’s offense you take away their defense too. His left-handed punch misses. He’s scared because his initial plan is not working.

HE’S BACK ON OFFENSE. NEVER COUNT OUT A 3-ARMED FIGHTER.

To block the double-fist-punch, you must elongate your fingers. In order to elongate your fingers, you must have
previously stretched your knuckles
which I explained earlier in the Stretching chapter. I could’ve dodged his punches, but I wanted to block them, to show that I have superior strength.

WITH MY KNUCKLES NOW ELONGATED, MY FISTS HAVE A WIDER PUNCHING SURFACE.

My 2 fists punch his 3 fists, which hit his face with the power of 5 fists. Even if this 3-armed man has 2 hearts, it’s going to be difficult for him to find the courage to continue this fight.

HE MAY HAVE 3 ARMS, BUT I HAVE 2 HANDS MESSING UP HIS ONE HEAD.

I choke the right side of his face and neck to cut off the blood circulation to his 2 right arms while he unsuccessfully tries to cut off the blood supply to my left hand. But because I stretched and elongated my knuckles, my left hand is too strong.
Even if he were able to completely cut off my left hand, it would be able to stitch and re-attach itself back onto my wrist.

THE CHIN IS THE BEST PLACE TO PUNCH A 3-ARMED FIGHTER.