How to Beat Up Anybody (21 page)

BUT DO A BUTT-BOMB INSTEAD.

IN A FIGHT YOU HAVE TO USE YOUR BRAIN. AND SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO USE YOUR BUTT.

CRACK HIS HEAD ON A CONCRETE WALL’S EDGE.

LUG HIM OVER TO SOME SCAFFOLDING.

STICK HIS HEAD THROUGH A TRIANGULAR OPENING AND SEVER HIS NECK TENDONS.

CONTINUE YOUR RETRIBUTION.

OPEN-TOED SANDALS ARE GREAT FOR CLIMBING SCAFFOLDING.

I CALL THIS MOVE “STREET JUSTICE.”

THIS MOVE REQUIRES REALLY FIRM THIGHS.

THIS TOWERING STREET MUTANT IS NOT USED TO GETTING ATTACKED FROM ABOVE.

THE MORAL OF THIS PHOTO IS “NEVER STOP ATTACKING.”

IT’S SAFE TO GO HOME NOW. HE IS 100% DEFENSELESS AND 200% OFFENSELESS. BUT KEEP DOING THIS ALL NIGHT.

All the photos in this chapter take place in the city. If you don’t live in a city, just imagine that these photos take place in a suburb or on a farm. The location is different, but the tactics are the same.

Before closing out this chapter, I want to discuss another issue. Wearing headphones. All newscasters and safety manuals warn women about the dangers of wearing headphones while walking alone at night.
I disrespectfully disagree
. If you know how to defend yourself properly as I have just shown you,
wearing headphones and listening to your favorite song while beating the shit out of a mugger can be motivating and inspirational for you
. Additionally, you can use the act of wearing headphones to set a trap and lure your male attacker to you. If a male mugger sees that you’re wearing headphones, he’ll assume that you can’t hear him sneaking up on you because you’re listening to music. But, if you have the volume turned down to zero, you’ll be able to hear him perfectly. And you’ll defeat him with a surprise counter-attack.

So there you have it ladies, the full unabridged version of The World Champion’s Safety Tips For Women Only. Plus a few extra pointers. So, it’s actually
more comprehensive than unabridged
. Even if you only weigh 100 pounds, you now know how to beat up a 200 pound man. Remember this:
Your violence equals your
attacker’s silence. Carrying this book with you does not reduce the risk of an assault against you.
It eliminates it 100%
.

Ladies, you have all done an excellent job studying this intense chapter. If you’re feeling overwhelmed from all the knowledge I have given you, that’s totally normal. Since you have worked so hard, I now reward you with this full-page poster of me.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN:

I’ve already given you a lot of information in this book. Do not get caught up in memorizing so many different fighting styles and philosophies that you forget to use proper technique. Without proper technique, your karate kicks and punches will have no power.

These photos were taken several years ago when I was working undercover in a small mid-western town, protecting it from dinosaurs that had fallen through a time warp. When I work undercover, in order to hide my identity, I do not wear my World Champion gear. If this T-Rex saw me wearing my World Champion hat, he would have run away scared. With proper technique my power is limitless.

After I defeated this big lizard, I took him back in time so he could be with his family. While I was there I met a cavewoman and we did it dino-style. But before that . . .

I HAD TO RESCUE SOME GIRAFFES WHO WERE TRAPPED IN A MINIATURE COLF COURSE.

It’s horrible when giant animals get trapped in such a tiny place. So I freed them. As The World Champion, I must use my powers for justice. Remember: be kind to animals because humans are animals too.