How to Beat Up Anybody (9 page)
Read How to Beat Up Anybody Online
Authors: Judah Friedlander
INSTEAD OF RUNNING DOWN THE ALLEY TO BEAT UP THIS
DEVIANT, I LEVITATE.
Levitation is not karate. It is a tool that can give you a big
advantage in a fight. Especially when launching a surprise attack from around
the corner of a building. Unlike running, levitation is completely silent. The
criminal can’t hearme approaching.
Scientists say levitation is impossible. They’re wrong.
Scientists have never unlocked the mystery of gravity. I say there’s
nothing to unlock, you just have to overpower gravity. Now is the best time to
learn levitation. With the ozone layer depleting, earth’s gravitational
force is getting weaker and easier to overcome.
I strongly recommend that you learn to levitate and not just
because it can help you in a fight. America is getting too fat. As a result, the
mass of land that Americans live on is heavier than it’s ever been, and
it might sink underwater soon. You better learn how to levitate so you can fly
away to safety and find a place where the land has not sunk below sea level.
Levitation does not require magical powers. Just great body
control. Youhave to push harder than gravity can pull. If you want to levitate
you can’t be a gravity slave. You have to rise up. Levitation takes years
to master and your breathing technique must be perfect.
TO LEVITATE REALLY HIGH, I USE A FORCE STRONGER THAN GRAVITY:
FEAR.
Because I’m The World Champion, the earth is
intimidated by me.
I can punch earth past mars. If I threaten to punch earth, it
relaxes its gravitational force and makes levitation even easier for me. But I
would never harm earth. I’ve been living here for a while now, and I love
it.
You can watch the full effect of my levitation skills in the
flipbook section of this book. If you can’t find the flipbook section
then something is wrong with you.
The key to practicing levitation is simple. Practice jumping
up—but not jumping down. You gotta just jump up and stay there.
Don’t be in a rush to land. Nothing elevates your karate skills like
levitation. I could levitate 28 hours a day if I wanted to, but I like to be
grounded.
Gang members are territorial and view everyone as trespassers. If you see a gang member by himself, he’s probably on a lookout mission for the rest of the gang, who are nearby committing crimes. Gang members are not good fighters. That’s why they have their “brothers” for backup.
If you’re tough, you don’t need a buddy, you just need your body
.
A gang member’s uniform is designed to both stand out and blend in with his surroundings
.
THIS GANG MEMBER IS HARD TO SEE AGAINST THE GRAFFITI.
CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF, GANG MEMBERS’ CLOTHES ONLY SIGNIFY WHICH GANG THEY BELONG TO, NOT THEIR SEXUAL PREFERENCE OR POLITICAL PARTY.
THE GANG MEMBER BLAMES ME FOR MAKING HIM MISS THE BUS.
HE HAS THREATENED TO BEAT ME UP IF I DON’T GIVE HIM BUS MONEY. BAD SCAM. EVERYONE KNOWS GANG MEMBERS DON’T TAKE THE BUS—THEY RIDE THE SUBWAY.
THE SPREAD EAGLE NECK CHOKE
STAY AIRBORNE FOR 70 SECONDS.
There is no better move for beating up a gang member than the
Spread Eagle Neck Choke, which I invented
. It allows your body to focus all its energy to your center and transmit it to your hands. The best thing about it is that it can be used outdoors or indoors.
Do not practice it on a partner unless he enjoys instant pain and death
.
HIS EYES ROLL TO THE BACK OF HIS HEAD, LOOKING AT HIS BRAIN FOR HELP.
AS YOU CHOKE THIS PUNK, CROSS YOUR THUMBS, THEN SQUEEZE THEM TOGETHER, SMASHING HIS ADAM’S APPLE.
You’ve destroyed his male dignity, his ability to breathe, and he can’t call for help.
HE TRIES TO ESCAPE BY OPENING THE STREET GRATE UNDER HIS FEET BUT I KICK HIM IN THE FACE.
STREET GRATES ARE OFTEN USED BY GANG MEMBERS AS SECRET PASSAGEWAYS TO THEIR UNDERGROUND HEADQUARTERS.
To be safe on the streets, you must know the streets
. I could turn this gang member over to the cops or report him to the next bus driver. But I just leave him in the gutter where he belongs.