How to Beat Up Anybody (13 page)

Since you’ve broken all the fingers and knuckles in one of his hands, it is now possible to tie his fingers into a knot without any resistance.
Double-knot it if you want to
, but it’s not necessary.

BUT FIRST, PRACTICE YOUR LEFT HOOK.

Tearing ligaments and dislocating joints are not taught in martial arts schools. But
I’m teaching it to you because I care
.

Now that you’ve learned how to disarm a double-weaponed delinquent, disarming one weapon should be easy.
A kick to the stomach will not work against a thug with one gun
. Since he only uses his right hand to operate the gun, his left hand is available to block a kick. So you must
use a more advanced method to disarm him
.

Step 1: Charge the gunman as fast as you can.

If you don’t do this fast enough, you’ll get shot in the chest.

I’m moving so fast, I change the brightness in the room.
I move faster than indoor light rays can travel
so that I can be quicker than the trigger.

Tackle him to the ground.

Wrestle him with your arms superfast and get the gun pointing away from your body.

Tie him into a human knot, so that he cannot get out of it. Then steal his gun.

I broke 14 bones and ligaments in his body in 0.3 seconds to get him into this inescapable position.

I could return the gun to the proper authorities. But instead, I will melt the gun into a metal ball using the heat of my hands and
force him to swallow it
.

THIS ALTERNATE SUBMISSION HOLD IS MORE POPULAR IN NORWAY THAN HERE IN AMERICA,
BUT IT CAN BE USED ANYWHERE
.

THIS HOLD COMPLETELY CUTS OFF THE THUG’S OXYGEN SUPPLY, WHICH MAKES WEAPON REMOVAL VERY EASY.

Now you know the best tactics to disarm a criminal. Experiment with these different tactics.
Have a friend attack you with a sword and a gun several times, and then you’ll be able to decide which method works best for you
.

DO YOU NOTICE ANYTHING UNUSUAL ABOUT THIS PHOTO?

THERE’S A BIGFOOT STANDING BY THE FENCE. LOOK CLOSELY.

NOW DO YOU SEE HIM? HE HAS MOVED CLOSER.

THE BIGFOOT TRIES TO STARE ME DOWN.

But his magnetic powers cannot harm me. When I was 3, I ran away from my home in the tunnels of the New York City subway system and went to the mountains and I lived amongst the Bigfoots for 6 months.
My exposure to them at a young age made me immune to their magnetic powers
.

He probably wants to steal my food. A Bigfoot’s diet consists only of eating forest rats, rotten plants, and
dirt sandwiches
. The 1% of Bigfoots that hate humans are jealous that
we have the technology to make better-tasting meals
.

BIGFOOTS LOOK SLOW. BUT BESIDES ME, THEY ARE THE FASTEST SPECIES ON LAND.

THAT’S WHY YOU WILL NEVER SEE A CHEETAH EAT A BIGFOOT.

DO NOT LET THE BIGFOOT GET TO YOUR BARBEQUE.

EATING HUMAN-MADE FOOD MAKES BIGFOOTS INSTANTLY STRONGER.

LAUNCH YOUR AIR ATTACK.

PREPARE TO AIR-TACKLE THE BIGFOOT.

BUT DO A SEMI-SPREAD EAGLE NECK CHOKE INSTEAD.

DO NOT LET YOUR BODY TOUCH THE GROUND! REMAIN AIRBORNE! IT’S TOO RISKY TO BEGIN A GROUND ATTACK. IT IS MATING SEASON FOR BIGFOOTS AND THEY CAN BE EXTREMElY HORNY.

THE BIGFOOT IS TRYING TO CHANGE THE WEATHER WITH HIS TELEPATHIC POWER.

BIGFOOTS ARE VERY CLOSE WITH NATURE AND HAVE A BETTER RELATIONSHIP WITH CLOUDS AND WIND THAN HUMANS. IF I DON’T PUT ENOUGH PRESSURE ON HIS NECK, CUTTING OFF THE OXYGEN SUPPLY TO HIS BRAIN, HE COULD EMIT A MIND-MESSAGE TO THE WIND AND START A TORNADO.

The Bigfoot was unable to make a cloud connection, so it’s safe to start my ground attack. Bigfoots are faster, stronger, heavier and taller than most humans. That’s why I have RE-SIZED to 8 foot 5 inches for this fight. I estimate this Bigfoot to be 8 foot 1 inches tall. The average Bigfoot fight is 7 foot 5 inches. Always try to be taller than a Bigfoot when you fight one. And remember this: Fight hand to hand. Never fight foot to foot with a Bigfoot.

PUNCH BIGFOOT IN THE FACE.

DIG YOUR KNUCKLES INTO HIS BIGFOOT SKIN.

DO NOT ATTEMPT A CLAW STRIKE. BIGFOOTS BEAT UP BEARS ALL THE TIME, SO THEY KNOW HOW TO DEFEND AGAINST IT. INTERESTING FACT: BIGFOOTS HAVE THEIR OWN TIME ZONE WHICH IS NOT DETERMINED BY WHERE THEY LIVE.

THIS IS NOT AN EYE GOUGE.