How to Beat Up Anybody (11 page)

It’s nice to have pretty girls cheering you on when you beat up a ninja on a fire escape. The girls are even more turned on than before, and
I didn’t think that was possible
.

I tell the girls to go back inside for safety reasons. Because I’m The World Champion and there’s no chance I’m going to lose, it’s actually safe for them to watch. But if they’re back in the room and can’t see the fight, they’ll worry about me and
crave my body even more
.

This is not a kick to his nuts.
This kick
doesn’t rupture his testicles; it empties his nutsack of all its fluid. And the fluid travels directly to his head,
drowning his brain with scrotum juice
.

THIS KICK IS A “BETWEEN-THE-NUTS-CROTCH-KICK” THAT
I INVENTED WHEN I DEFEATED THE PRINCE OF SWEDEN IN KENTUCKY
AT THE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP IN 1993.

It creates a severe headache, fever, frontal toothaches, stiffening of joints, and demobilization of the center of gravity in your opponent.

THIS KICK CREATES AN ECHO THAT CAN BE HEARD FOR MILES.

I could finish off the ninja right now, but I don’t. I decide to prolong his agony and give him more physical and psychological punishment for invading my home and trying to hit on my women. So I give him time to recover.

THE NINJA IS UNABLE TO PUNCH ME BECAUSE I’VE ACTIVATED MY FORCE FIELD.

PUNCHING A FORCE FIELD CAN BREAK EVERY BONE IN YOUR HAND. IT’S ALMOST AS PAINFUL AS PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE.

Incidentally, my right fist is called “Facebreaker” and my face is called “Fistbreaker.”
Definitely learn how to activate your own force field
. It’s a revolutionary concept that I invented that’s been around for years. Force fields are 100% invisible. On a side note, the best way to fight an invisible ninja is to become invisible yourself—because invisible people are the only ones who can see other invisible people. The power of invisibility cannot be taught. It’s something you’re born with. But activating your own force field can be taught. It’s just very technical and hard to explain, so I won’t go into details about how to do it.
Just remember to practice it
every day, and then you’ll get the hang of it after a while.

I RELEASE THE FORCE FIELD AND PUT INDUSTRIAL-STRENGTH CLAMPERS ON HIS NINJA NIPPLES.

NINJA NIPPLES ARE DIFFERENT THAN REGULAR NIPPLES
. THEY CONTAIN THE CONTROL PANEL TO THE NINJA’S CARDIOVASCULAR SYSTEM AND NERVE CENTER.

TWIST THE NINJA NIPPLES TO THE LEFT TO MAKE THE NINJA’S HEART BEAT FASTER.

THE HARDER YOU TWIST, THE FASTER HIS HEART BEATS.

TWIST THE NINJA NIPPLES THE OTHER WAY TO MAKE HIS HEART BEAT IN REVERSE.

TWIST BACK AND FORTH FOR 2 HOURS TO DESTROY HIS BODY’S BLOOD SUPPLY.

His heart has ruptured and his major blood vessels are leaking.
His brain is rotting from scrotum juice
. He is emotionally devastated because the orange nipple clamps have ruined the sanctity of his all-black ninja uniform. The ninja is almost unconscious, yet still able to stand because of his excellent training.

LEGEND HAS IT THAT NINJAS CAN FLY. I’M ABOUT TO SEE IF THAT LEGEND IS TRUE.

If a ninja casts a shadow that is bigger than his own body, it is considered bad luck and the most disgraceful mistake he can commit.

The ninja is attempting to transform into balsa wood so he can float safely to the ground. I think he’s too injured to transform completely.

But it’s a long fall. He might have time to fully shapeshift and land safely.

THE NINJA DID NOT LAND SAFELY.

THE NINJA CRASHED TO THE GROUND IN PERFECT COFFIN-READY POSITION. THE FIGHT IS OVER.

I’M BACK WITH THE GIRLS. I’M HAPPY. THEY’RE HAPPY. AND I GET MY SIDEBURNS COMBED BEFORE WE DO IT.