How to Beat Up Anybody (2 page)

CHAPTER ONE:

Everything in this book is real. There are no staged photos. Everything you are about to see really happened.

I am Judah Friedlander, The World Champion
. I am the greatest martial artist in the world. And this is the greatest instructional martial arts book ever made. I made this book the same way I fight—alone.
If you’re a real fighter, you don’t need help
.

I am also the greatest athlete in the world, have sex with lots of women, and I’m a role model to children. But in this book, I focus on teaching you how to beat up anybody.

To make things simpler, I refer to all martial arts as “karate.” And I pronounce it ku-ROT-ee.
Because I’m an American
.

I’VE BEATEN UP EVERY MARTIAL ARTS TEACHER IN THE WORLD. INCLUDING BERT JOHNSON.

Before the making of this book, photographing me doing karate was impossible. No one was ever able to photograph The World Champion because
I physically move faster than a camera can snap a photograph
. But, I have a spaceship that’s also a time machine, and I went into the future and got a camera that shoots photos at a shutter speed that can capture an image at a millionth of a second. This state-of-the-art camera from the future can also time travel by itself. It went back in time and took all of the photos in this book. So now, for the first time ever, you can see my karate moves and learn from the best. In some of the photos, I still come out blurry. That’s because sometimes I move faster than the camera from the future’s speed of a millionth of a second. Which means
I’m faster than the future
. So if you see a blurry photograph of me, it’s not bad photography, just great karate.

I’M TOO FAST FOR THE CAMERA FROM THE FUTURE.

I MOVE MUCH FASTER THAN 1/1,000,000th OF A SECOND.

You must realize that as The World Champion, there are many karate moves I can do that you will never be able to do. In order to make this book a relevant instructional tool for you,
I have toned down my athleticism in many of the photo sequences
. I have purposefully fought at a much worse skill level than I normally would, decreased my strength, and slowed my quickness—so that I can simulate the best way for you to beat someone up.
I’ve made this book to make you a better fighter, and therefore a better person
.

In other photos in this book, I will power-up and operate at full World Champion capacity.
I’ll be showing you karate moves that you can never execute
. But don’t worry, this won’t make you feel inferior.
It will inspire you
.

There are some karate moves that I will not show you because they’re top secret
. And there will be other moves that I will show you, but you will not see them, because they’re
too fast
. Do not blink when looking at this book, or you might miss one of my karate moves. Even with my state-of-the-art camera from the future, sometimes I move so fast that
I am unphotographable
.

I will also be teaching you
methods of karate that I invented myself
. Some of which were invented just for this book. So this is the first time they are ever being seen. In addition to teaching you self-defense, I will also teach you Self-Offense.

SPECIAL NOTE: Throughout this book, I use the words “him” and “his” in a way that is often gender neutral and asexual. So when I say “him” I could be referring to a male or female assailant—same thing for when I use the word “his.” So ladies, just because I said the word “him” it doesn’t mean I’m leaving you out. I look at all sexes equally. It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman, you’re not as good a fighter as me.

A lot of professional fighters and martial arts
instructors talk about how they got started in karate. As a kid, they were fat or skinny or small, and they got beat up a lot. Then one day they started lifting weights, learned karate, and then were finally able to get a girlfriend. This is not my story. I’ve been kicking ass since before day one.

I was the fastest sperm that entered my mom’s body. The other sperms weren’t even close. I had superior speed and vision.
I knew my target and I had perfect aim
.
These are qualities that make a karate champion
.

My mom did not go into labor. After being in her womb for 8 months, I had enough. I walked out of her vagina,
snapped the umbilical cord in half
, punched the doctor in the face, and made him cry. I wasn’t even a minute old and I had already beat up a dude. It was at this moment that I knew that one day I would become . . . 
The World Champion
.

SOMETIMES, EVEN WHEN I’M STANDING STILL, I MOVE SO FAST, I APPEAR BLURRY.

I got kicked out of kindergarten for refusing to take a nap at naptime. I told them, “I don’t take naps. I prefer to stay awake. In case shit goes down.”

When I was 6, I ate the playground jungle gym, then
shit ninja stars out of my asshole for 5 hours straight
.

At 9, I got kicked out of the Marines for being too hardcore. I was tired of fighting alongside teammates and with weapons.
I knew I could do more damage on my own
.

At 12, I was in federal prison in China for a crime I didn’t commit
. I learned a lot of martial arts skills there. And after 6 months, I started teaching the other inmates karate. It was time to move on.

At 13, I was in state prison in the United States. I was only there because I liked its gym and workout facilities. And there were always convicts willing to fight, so it was good practice.

When I was 13½, I didn’t escape the prison. I left. I had beaten up all the inmates and armed guards with my bare hands. There was no need for me to stay there anymore.
I gave the warden a wedgie in front of the whole prison before I left the premises
. Then I walked through the prison gates and drove off with a bus of cheerleaders and pleasured them with some non-karate moves.

By the time I was 14½,
I had already beaten up every martial arts and action movie star
. But no one witnessed my destruction because
I moved too fast for the movie cameras
to capture it.
Martial arts movie stars wouldn’t last 5 minutes on the street
. In a real fight, there are no camera tricks or second takes.

At 15, I was banned from boxing because
I punched too
hard. The other boxers would cry in the ring when I punched them. And that was a bad image for the sport, so the commission banned me. One time, as a junior middleweight, I knocked out a heavyweight with a medium-strength shoulder punch.

At 16, every professional mixed martial artist on the planet joined together to fight me at once. But they all chickened out when they saw me in the ring, naked, doing push-ups with my dick.

By 17,
I was banned from practicing karate outdoors because of the definite possibility I’d start an earthquake
.

At some point, I became The World Champion. I don’t remember exactly when. It’s been years, and
I’m not good at math
.

I’m the greatest martial artist ever. I am The World Champion
.

If you haven’t heard of me, it’s because
the media is scared of me
, so I don’t get much publicity.
Other athletes never mention me
, because they know I’m better than them. And no company will sponsor me because
I don’t do endorsements
.
I’m for the people, not the product
.

This is a book unlike any other
. I’m giving you
unprecedented, unabridged great advice on how to beat up anybody
.

Study this book and make your life an even greater one.
If you’re reading this, you’re a winner. And if you continue reading, you’ll become an even better winner
. And you’ll be able to trust your instincts, make your own decisions, and do whatever you want.

This book will change the way you live, breathe, think, and punch
. If you have a closed mind, this book will open it. If you have an open mind, this book will open it even further. And it will teach you how to open your opponent’s mind with your fists and feet.

This book is for all skill levels, from beginner to blackbelt. And by the way,
I consider a blackbelt to be a weak, novice level
. Even if you’re a blackbelt, this book will take you into the unknown.

You must be ready to embrace the unknown. Because that is where cool things happen.

I DON’T LISTEN TO SIGNS. THEY’RE JUST SQUARE PIECES OF METAL WITH STUFF PAINTED ON THEM.

AS FAR AS I KNOW, THE ONLY REASON ALL THOSE SIGNS ARE POSTED IS BECAUSE THE CITY IS AFRAID ONCOMING CARS WILL GET DEMOLISHED IF THEY HIT ME AS I’M WALKING THROUGH THE TUNNEL.