It's All Relative (35 page)

Sadness swept through him, chilling him to the bone, as the feelings for Jessie that he tried to keep buried deep, bubbled up; each one lashed his heart as it burst open. Kai watched April’s eyes begin to shimmer, and he knew she had finally understood what he was saying. So there could be no doubt, he bluntly told her it was over. “I don’t see us going anywhere, April, and I think, if we kept seeing each other, I’d just be leading you on.” He shrugged and when he spoke again, his voice was ragged with emotion. “My heart is…somewhere else. I’m so sorry.”

April was silent for long moments, and her eyes watered to a point that Kai was positive would spill over into tears. Then she inhaled a deep breath, shook her head, and smiled. “I guess I should have known that a guy as great as you, wouldn’t be available.” She sighed, her shoulders slumping, and indicated where Jessie was in the house with her thumb. Kai tried to block the image of Jessie on the floor, crying. “Is that why she got so weird? Why she didn’t want us to sleep together?”

“Yes,” he whispered, his voice strained. “She knows…how I feel.”
About her
, he added in his head. And she also knew why they couldn’t feel that way about each other.

April smiled with one edge of her lip; it was a sad one. “I suppose I should thank you, for telling me about her
before
we slept together. Most men would have waited until afterwards.”

Kai gave her an equally sad smile. “I should have said something earlier, and I’m sorry I didn’t. I was just hoping to feel…something for you.” His smile turned genuine. “I wanted to like you, April, I really did. You’re very enticing.”

April grinned as she stared at the ground. Shifting her stance, she let out a wistful sigh. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but a part of me wishes you’d waited until afterwards.” She peeked up at him, a devilish smile on her face.

Kai felt his cheeks heating and bit back a smile. “I think it’s better this way. Less confusing.” He eyed her for a moment. She was undeniably beautiful, with a sensuous nature that made men weak in the knees, but underneath it all, she had a good heart. He hoped some guy took the time to find it one day. Giving her a serious look, he quietly said, “You don’t need to try so hard, you know.” She frowned, not following. “To get men to notice you,” he explained. “They do. Trust me, they notice you.”

April smiled warmly at him. “Whoever this girl is…she’s an idiot for not being with you.” Kai forced a smile onto his face. No, she wasn’t an idiot. She just wasn’t an option. But he couldn’t tell April that, she wouldn’t understand. Not noticing the rigidness of his smile, April sighed and said, “I’m going to miss going out on dates with you.”

Kai laughed and gave her a wry smile. “April, you hated the date I took you on.”

She laughed. “Yeah, I did.” With a thoughtful look on her face, she gave him a once-over. “And you hated the date I took you on, didn’t you?”

Kai grinned. “I hate costumes.” He playfully raised an eyebrow at her.

Her an amused smile, she admitted, “I hate bugs.”

Kai chuckled. “I hate techno music.”

“I hate wearing a helmet,” she said with a laugh.

“I hate drinks that come with little umbrellas.”

“I hate carnations.”

Kai laughed, remembering when she’d told him they were her favorite. He shook his head. “I hate being put on display in front of other people, especially when I’m dressed as a pirate.”

April tilted her head back in a hearty laugh. Shaking her head, she shrugged. “Well, I refuse to recycle.”

Kai laughed with her. “See, April, you and I really are not compatible at all.”

She let out a sad sigh. “Yeah, I know.” She crooked a playful grin. “You’re just hot enough that I was willing to overlook that fact. Plus, I’ve learned the value of a man who knows how to kiss well, and you…” As her voice trailed off, she closed her eyes and bit her lip.

Kai shook his head as he studied their shoes. Peeking up at her, he asked, “Are we good?”

“Yeah, we’re good.” She extended a hand out to him. “It was nice getting to know you. Thank you for being a decent guy.”

Kai smiled as he shook her hand. “It was my pleasure, April, and I know you’re going to make some man very, very happy.”

April grinned, then cocked her head. “Just not you.”

“Not me, not in that way. But I’d like to think we can still be friends?” He raised an eyebrow at her.

April smiled as she wrapped an arm around his waist. “I can always use another friend, Kai.” She grinned as he put his arm over her shoulder, then her expression turned serious. “I hope you get your girl. You deserve to get the girl.”

Kai forced the smile to remain on his face as he nodded. It wasn’t the fact that he couldn’t get the girl that was bothering Kai. No, if things were different, he and Jessie
would
be together, and they would be happy too. Getting her wasn’t the problem. It was that he
shouldn’t
get her. Dating his cousin wasn’t something Kai was willing to do. No matter how much he wanted to.

K
ai woke up early the next morning and stared at his ceiling. He felt like he’d been staring at his ceiling all night long. It was the last thing he remembered doing—staring at his ceiling while his mind spun with thoughts and emotions he shouldn’t be having, that he wished he could turn off. Since he was lying in the exact same position he’d fallen asleep in, Kai wondered if he’d even slept. Maybe he’d only briefly closed his eyes. If his room wasn’t filled with a gray, pre-dawn light, he might have believed that, but the last time he’d stared straight above him, he hadn’t been able to make out the texture on the walls in the pitch-black room. Now his eyes could easily distinguish each pattern in the surface.

He’d been debating what to do last night, after the incident with Jessie. Could they ignore what had happened between them and continue their camaraderie? Could he laugh and joke with her, and not think about the way she’d moaned in his ear? Would that sound ever leave him?

Sighing, Kai shifted in his bed. How could they ever trust themselves to be alone again? Not when the memory of that passion, boiling just under the surface, was still there. Always there. Closing his eyes, Kai remembered slamming her back into the door. She ignited a primal part of him. He’d wanted to rip off every piece of her clothing and drive deep inside her. He’d never wanted anyone so intensely. And sickeningly enough, just lying in bed thinking about it, he still wanted it; he could even feel his body responding.

Concentrating on the ceiling, Kai let out a long, slow exhale as he tried to calm himself. He couldn’t think about it. He had to stop seeing her that way. Not for the first time, Kai cursed the fact that they’d grown up so far apart from each other. If he and Jessie had known each other as kids, he would only see her as family. But they hadn’t. She was a virtual stranger to him, family only because someone had named her as such. He felt connected with her, but not as a relative. No, he felt connected to her…as a man to a woman. And he couldn’t. He couldn’t knowingly be with her. It was wrong. It was twisted. It was sick.

And yet…

Sighing again, Kai sat up and scrubbed his face. No. If he couldn’t stop thinking of her romantically, then there was only one way for them to both get out of this mess. Reluctantly, he turned his gaze to his cell phone. He desperately did not want to have to make the call that he knew without a doubt he
had
to make.

His eyes watered just looking at the time on the screen. Time. He wanted so much more of it with her. But more time would only lead to more chances for them to cave. And they’d already proven to each other, over and over again, that they could, and would, cave to the desire between them. He had to stop the cycle. He had to do the right thing, just like he had with April.

As he picked up the phone, his hand started to shake. In his head, he began scrolling through a list of alternative solutions. There weren’t any. Closing his eyes, he pleaded with himself not to do this. He knew he had no choice, though.

Scrolling through his contacts, he looked for Jessie’s name. Pressing the button to connect the call, he slowly brought the phone to his ear. His breath increased, and his nerves spiked as he waited for her to pick up.

“Hello?” a groggy voice muttered. It was thick with sleep…or emotion.

“Hey,” Kai said. “Did I wake you?”

Bringing his knees up in bed, he slung his free arm around them. He could hear Jessie wrestle around too as she sighed in his ear. “No…I couldn’t sleep.”

Kai looked down. “Me either.”

A few awkward moments of silence passed as Kai worked up the will to say what he had to say. At the same time that he heard Jessie start to say, “About yesterday…” he blurted out, “I broke it off with April.” Biting his lip, he wondered why he couldn’t just come out and tell her what he’d decided.

Another span of silence passed as Jessie absorbed what he’d said. “Oh. You didn’t have to…” Her voice thickened as it trailed off.

Kai sighed. “Yeah, I did.” Running a hand through his hair, he wished he could stop his heart from hammering so hard. “I couldn’t let her keep thinking that our relationship was going anywhere. And I don’t feel for her what I feel for…”

He let his sentence die. Admitting his feelings for Jessie now, wouldn’t help with what he had to say later. Clearing his throat, he quickly added, “I never should have let it go on for as long as it did. Stringing her along like that…it wasn’t fair to her.”

Picking at a loose strand of fabric in the sheets, he waited for Jessie to respond. When she did, her voice was subdued. “Yeah, you’re right. I shouldn’t have asked you to keep seeing her. I just…I wasn’t considering her feelings in all of this, I guess.”

She let out such a sad sigh that Kai had the sudden urge to drive over there, run his hand through her hair, cup her cheek, and whisper that everything would be okay, but it wouldn’t be. Not after what he was about to do. In a whisper, he started the process. “Jessie…about us…”

Kai’s voice cracked and he found he couldn’t speak. He swallowed several times to try and remove the blockage, and in the silence, Jessie spoke. “I know, Kai. I know. It was wrong, and I shouldn’t have said what I said. I know we can’t…do that, and I’ll try harder to not be so jealous or possessive of you. It just hurt so much to see you with April, but I know you’re going to be with someone, and I promise I won’t—”

Wishing he could just agree with her, Kai cut her off. “We can’t see each other anymore, Jessie.”

Silence filled the line again. A horrible, aching silence that made Kai’s pounding heart sound like a gong, filling the room with an ominous, heavy beat. When she still didn’t respond, he whispered, “Jessie?”

He heard her choke, then sputter. In a tightly controlled, warbling voice, she asked, “What do you mean? We can’t be alone anymore…or we can’t…”

Kai felt his eyes get heavy with building tears. His own voice cracking under the strain, he somehow managed to say, “We can’t see each other again. Ever.”

Jessie gasped, then muttered, “But…but no…Kai?”

Kai’s heart split in half, and he felt the pain of the break slice through every part of him. He didn’t think he would ever be the same person again after this. Everything he had been before was gone. Everything was different. Jessie was a highlight in his life. Without her in it…Kai almost didn’t see the point. He swallowed, and the tears finally dropped to his cheeks. “I’m so sorry, Jessie. You don’t know how much this kills me, but you and I
cannot
be together, and we’re heading that way. Can’t you feel it?”

He waited for her to acknowledge it. For her to admit to herself that the path they were on was going to end up with them in such a twisted, ethically and morally wrong relationship that it made him feel ill to the core. After a long stillness, she finally whispered, “Yes.”

Kai exhaled with relief. At least she understood. “We have to stay apart. We have to go back to when you had your life, and I had my life, and they didn’t intertwine.”

She exhaled brokenly. “But, Kai…we’re family. Family doesn’t abandon each other.”

Again, Kai wanted to reach out and stroke her, lovingly run a finger down her cheek. “We’ll still be family, Jessie. We will always be that, and we won’t abandon each other. If you need me, if you absolutely need me…I’m there, no questions asked. But Jessie, we need to let this die, before we can truly be…just cousins.”

Kai heard Jessie start to break down. As she started to cry, his tears started falling freely too. “I’m so sorry,” he repeated.

Through her broken sobs, he heard her say, “I’m going to miss you, so much. I don’t know how I’m going to…” Her voice trailed off as waves of anguish took her over.

Kai clenched the sheets in his hand. He didn’t want to hurt her. He didn’t want to make her cry.
He
didn’t want to cry. He wanted to tell her that he was wrong—that they shouldn’t be apart. He wanted to rush to her place, sweep her in his arms, and kiss away her tears. He wanted to lay her down and make her feel the warmth and love between them. He wanted to make love to her. And that was exactly why he had to do this.