Just Breathe (16 page)

I walk out admiring her work and my mom says, “Happy birthday, Ever, what do you think?”

We hug, “Thank you mom, it’s really wonderful.”

She laughs and tells me, “Just wait until it gets dark.”

I suddenly feel defeated, realizing Jack won’t even be here for my birthday.

She sees my mood suddenly change and asks, “Ever, are you okay?”

I tell her, “Yes, I was just going to go for a quick swim.”

She nods and smiles, “Good idea, so Gam-aw and I can finish up here.”

I can tell she is really enjoying this, maybe she should have been a party planner instead.

I head up to my room and go through the motions to change into my suit and gather my stuff. I feel as though I’m sinking deeper into a lake of mud. Pretty soon, I won’t be able to breathe.

James sticks his head around the corner into my room and says, “Remember land, for your little brother.”

He smiles, this evil smile that is not even his. He ducks out before I can respond.  I feel like I could pass out and sleep for days, but I make myself leave, deciding to go to the lake instead of the pool. I feel closer to Jack there and I really need him right now, if only in my mind.

When I get there, I undress quickly as if I can’t get in the water fast enough. I push myself and swim for a good two hours. My focus is my strokes and breathing. I try to take everything and push it to the corners of my mind. It seems to work temporarily until I climb the bank of the lake, and realize my reality is lurking just hours away, and there is nothing I can do to stop time.

It’s almost dark when I finally decide to go back home. I know Gabbi will be the first to arrive and wonder where I am. As I drive back home I think about the decision and decide to talk to Gam-aw, to ask her how the whole decision thing works. I can’t even focus anymore on one decision or the other. They are muddled together in my mind, making no choice the right one.

When I get home I head straight for my room and get ready. I decide on the usual jeans but I pick a pink top. I think my mom was hinting with all the pink. I suppose I can play the part of the daughter turning eighteen tonight, temporarily at least. As I am about ready, I hear a knock on my door. Oh great, more comments from James.

I yank the door open and start to lay into him,”What do you…”

I realize it’s Gam-aw and I stammer, “Sorry Gam-aw, I thought you were James.” By the look on her face, I surprised her.

She comes into my room and sits on the edge of my bed.

I start, “Gam-aw how does this whole choice thing work? I was about to come and ask you, when I need to make the decision and how.”

She looks a little more upbeat than she had last night, the last time this subject came up. She tells me, “Ever, you will need to stand outside at midnight, face the moon and make your decision.”

I ask surprised, “Is that all?”

She nods.

I question, “Do you need to be there?”

“Only if you want me to be.”

I think for a minute with her waiting expectantly, I shake my head, “No, I want to do it on my own.”

She relents, “That’s fine, but please remember all that is at stake with this decision.”

I nod and look the other way.When turn back around, she is walking out of my room. I still haven’t made a choice and midnight is only four hours away.

Suddenly there is laughter downstairs, Gabbi. Who can miss her unmistakable giggle. I smile and head down to greet my guests.

When I step off the last step my mom hands me the infamous key basket and guides me to the backyard. It is gorgeous with a few dozen strings of lights draped across the yard, a table full of food and soda, and my dad’s sound system set up for music and dancing. My mom really went all out. I turn to her and grab her in a hug.

She hugs me back and whispers, “I know it’s been a hard senior year so far. Enjoy yourself tonight, you deserve it.”

She takes Gam-aw’s arm in hers and steers her to the front door.

Then she turns and tells me, “Oh I almost forgot.”

She opens a drawer in the hall table and hands me a small box wrapped in pink satin with a dainty white bow.

She tells me, “Happy birthday, honey.”

I unwrap it and find a thin silver chain attached to a brooch with the figure of a mermaid made from bone etched into it.

I look up and tell her with tears in my eyes, “Oh mom, it’s beautiful.”

She smiles telling me, “Well, I thought of you as soon as I saw it, my little mermaid.”

Gabbi fastens it around my neck. I rub it between my fingers.

As they are walking out, I ask, “Where’s dad and James?”

She turns and tells me with a wink, “Your dad took your brother to a movie, just the two of them.”

I say, “Good, I think James needed that.”

The house and backyard start filling up after ten, when the football game is over. I play my part as a gracious hostess, but in the back of my mind, twelve is awfully close.  Gabbi is better than me though, she makes sure all the keys make it into the basket and floats around socializing like the butterfly she is. My parents didn’t provide any alcohol as Julia’s usually do. There is plenty floating around that people brought with them though.

Around eleven o’clock, Michael and Brittany arrive with some of the other football players.

He finds me in the kitchen and tells me, “Happy birthday. I think it’s only fitting we toast your birthday in the proper way.” And he holds up a bottle of Tequila.

I take a step back and shake my head laughing, “No, you know Tequila and I are not friends.”

I do not handle alcohol well. The few times I did drink it were disastrous, but Michael was always there to take care of me.

He insists while he pours shots for the five of us standing around, “Ever, it is your birthday and you are doing a shot with me.”

I look around and Brittany holds up her shot, “Happy birthday.”

I grab mine and hold it up. We down them together. I can feel it burn all the way down.

Gabbi strolls by right after and exclaims, “What, you guys didn’t wait for me?”

I shake my head, “Nope, how about another?”

The first shot is warming me…I like the feeling. Michael pours another round.

I hold mine up and toast, “To Gabbi, the best friend a girl could ever have.”

She smiles and we down the shot. My balance is suddenly off. Gabbi notices and steers me to the back yard. She guides me to a table where my friend, Sasha, from my first period class, is sitting.

I turn to Gabbi and ask, “Hey, aren’t you going to sit down?”

Gabbi shakes her head, “Not yet, I’ll be right back, just sit there and get your bearings for a minute.”

Sasha starts in about Jack as soon as Gabbi walks away, “What’s up with you and the new guy, Jack?” I shrug my shoulders.

“Are you dating him? Why is he never in school?” This seems to sober me up.

I tell her, “I. don’t. know.” and get up to find Gabbi, I decide I need her.

I find her in the kitchen cleaning up. As I walk in, I check my watch, eleven forty-five. My head is starting to pound and my heart is skipping around with nervousness, fifteen minutes… I grab Gabbi’s hand and tell her I need her to come with me. I drag her toward the front door.

She stops me as I reach for the handle and tells me laughing, “Ever, those two shots were way too much, weren’t they? You’re going the wrong way, the party is in the other direction.”

I shake my head, “No Gabbi, I need you to come with me into the front yard, we’ll come right back.”

She shrugs her shoulders and lets me pull her out the door. We sit on the bench swing. I look at my watch, eleven fifty-five.

Gabbi says, “Alright Ever, I have tried to keep some distance this past month, you have to let me know what is going on. Your moods go up and down, and this thing with Jack. I didn’t want to upset you but, where is he? It’s your eighteenth birthday, he should be here.”

I am numb at this point.

I admit, “Gabbi I can’t tell you everything. I am so sorry. I know I have been such a bad friend.”

She shakes her head and I say curtly, “Let me finish. I just need you to sit right here for me… if you will. I have to do something and I just need your support right now.”

She nods uneasily and says, “Okay, whatever you need.”

I love my best friend, I owe her so much. I stand up and walk down the steps out into the front yard. I check my watch, twelve o’clock on the dot. I stare up at the moon, it is full, yellow and beautiful.

I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and whisper quietly, “I choose the sea, I choose Jack.”

17

Good-byes

I’m running and Jack is beside me, he glances at me with his heart melting s
mile as we leap off the cliff. The cool crisp water is unexpected at first. I swim for the surface out of breath and leap out of the water. I realize something is different. I look back and I see a big fin glittering in the water.

I sit up gasping for air, not from running but from shock. I slowly lift the blanket, afraid to look. Right there in front of me are my legs, the same as usual. I’m half relieved but also worried. I remember the night before and how I stood under the bright, yellow, full moon and claimed the sea and Jack. Nothing happened. I don’t know what I expected, but here I am the day after my birthday when I chose the sea, there is no water in sight or Jack. Maybe it didn’t work. I’m suddenly worried, thinking about Jack. Who was I kidding, thinking just choosing the sea, would somehow bring him back to me. Now maybe the opposite has happened. Could he be in danger now because I chose the sea? I panic and wonder if the Erebus did something to him. It’s Saturday, I decide to take a drive to the beach. It’s a big trip for me by myself, but this may be only way to know if my choice means anything.

I stroll down to the kitchen to get some breakfast. My parents and Gam-aw are sitting at the table reading the newspaper and drinking their coffee. They all look up as I walk in.

My mom starts, “So how was it, miss eighteen year old?”

I smile and tell her, “It was great, I’m pretty sure everyone had a good time.”

My Gam-aw glares at me, I know she is trying to decide what I chose. I just give her a turned smirk. Hopefully that will appease her without having to actually say anything.

My dad comments, “Well, you and Gabbi did a great job cleaning up.”

My mom jumps in, “Yes, we expected to clean up today, but it looks like you two covered it.”

I snicker, “Well you know Gabbi, she was in true hostess form last night.”

They all smile and go back to their paper and coffee.

I announce, “I was thinking about going to the lake for a swim this morning.”

My mom looks up, “Make sure to say good-bye to Gam-aw before you leave, her flight is at twelve today.”

I glance at her, “I hope you had a great visit.”

She says, “Oh yes, I did Ever, thanks for letting me celebrate your big birthday with you.”

I smile and walk back to my room.

I pack for the beach. Although if what I think will happen, actually happens, I won’t need too much. Suddenly there are butterflies in my stomach. An hour later after a shower, checking my email, and calling Gabbi to thank her for all of her help last night, I head back downstairs for my good-bye.

My parents are cleaning up the kitchen mess from breakfast and Gam-aw is nowhere to be found. 
I knew it was too good to be true.

I ask, “Um where’s Gam-aw?”

My mom answers without turning around, “She is probably back in her room, getting ready to go.”

I turn and walk toward the guest room. I face the door and knock.

She calls out, “Come on in.” 

I sit on the bed while she packs the last of her things.

She starts, “Ever, how’d it go last night?”

I evasively answer, “The party was a lot of fun.”

She nods and looks to finish what she’s doing.

I say, “I was just coming to say good-bye and have a safe trip home.”

She comes around the bed and gives me a hug.

I say into her shoulder a little sad, just realizing this might be the last time I will ever see her, “Thank you for celebrating with me.”

She holds me at arms length with her hands still on my shoulders, “You have so much to look forward to with college next year.”

I nod and look down, “I love you Gam-aw.”

She gives me a kiss on the cheek and I turn to walk out the door. I glance back one more time and she has turned the other way.
I’m not sure what she didn’t tell me, I know there is more to all of this, there must be
.

I go back to the kitchen and announce to my parents that I am going to the lake. Then it hits me that goodbyes are necessary for them too. That realization makes my heart skip and I feel really queasy.
I’ve made my choice, no turning back and I picture Jack’s beautiful smile.

I hug my mom first and give her a kiss on the cheek. She is taken back a little.

I tell her,” I love you mom.”

She chuckles, “You’re just going to the lake, but maybe I like this eighteen year old thing. Maybe you’re coming back to us.”

I just smile then hug my dad.

I tell him, “I love you.”

He hugs me back, “Have a good time and be careful.”

I smile, “I will.”

Finally, I make it to the jeep. I put my hands on the steering wheel, wow this is it.  I never thought it would all feel so final. 

I start up the jeep and suddenly feel someone’s eyes on me. I turn and look back toward the house. My eyes meet James’ in his window and I can tell they are fully yellow. Then he’s gone. My heart breaks at the thought of my brother. What did I do to him? I want to run back into the house to tell him how sorry I am. Instead I resist, put the jeep into drive and push the gas. It takes all of my will to continue on, knowing I didn’t save my brother. I blast the music, Eric Satie to try to lose myself and think about Jack.

I can smell the salt water about ten miles out, according to my GPS. I start to wonder if this has anything to do with my choice last night. I don’t remember being able to smell anything this far away, the last time I made this trip. As I get closer, I get that familiar feeling in my core, as if I can anticipate the water when I get there.

I pull into a spot at the same beach as the last two visits. I glance around and spot the familiar yellow car. My heart skips a few beats. I get out, leaving the jeep on, and run over to the car to look inside the windows. Everything looks the same with one thing missing, Jack. I look out toward the water and my middle flutters. This whole thing makes me scared and uneasy.

I don’t run to the water this time. Once I turn off the jeep and get my things, I walk slowly savoring the heat. I peel off my clothes and put them in a neat pile on the beach. Slowly I walk to the water. When my toes touch the first drops of salt water, that familiar warmth spreads up through my toes to the rest of my body. I take a deep breath. This was all I needed; I continue to walk all the way in until only my head is above the water. Glancing around, I notice the beach is almost deserted. I duck under the water and swim for a minute.

After about thirty minutes of swimming, nothing happens, it brings doubt about my decision last night. I half expected to become a mermaid when I touched the water. It didn’t happen. Maybe I’ve dreamt this whole thing up and I am actually going crazy.

Dragging myself out of the water, I sit on the sand and soak in the sun's rays. I glance at my legs and notice something glimmer when the light hits it. As I examine it closer, I find that it looks like a scale.
What in the...
Unlike any I’ve ever seen before. It is big, round and multicolored, reflecting the light. I look at my other leg and find a few scales on that leg too. I am now confused. I lay back on the sand, suddenly very tired.

***

I must have dozed because the next thing I know, I open my eyes and the sun has changed positions in the sky. I sit up startled because there is a girl in a purple bikini sitting cross legged next to me, just staring at me. I open my mouth in shock because she has familiar dark hair and almond shaped blue eyes.

She says almost sarcastically, “I was wondering when you were going to wake up.”

I know those eyes...

I stammer, “Who are you?”

She ignores my question and asks, “Are you ready?”

I look at her confused, “Ready for what?”

She chuckles, “Ready to go, of course.”

I must look really out of it at this point because she stands and offers me her hand.

She tells me grinning, “Ever, I am here to guide you. You chose the sea last night, correct?”

I stare, looking at her totally clueless, taking her hand to stand.

She starts walking toward the water and says over her shoulder, “Okay, this is very important. When we are far out into the water, you have to ‘will’ your fin.”

I ask dumbfounded, “What?  How do I do that?”

She answers, “Think really hard about it and imagine it appearing instead of your legs.”

I am way in over my head
.

I nod at her letting her know I understand. But that doesn’t mean I will be able to do it. I start following her.

I ask, “By the way who are you?”

She turns and smiles, oh wow, my breath catches… I know that smile too…”I am Amber Tanner, Jack’s sister.”

I stop and almost fall down.

I can’t get the words out fast enough, “Where is he?  He just disappeared… Will I ever see him again? Is he alright? I start crying while I blabber all of my questions.

She laughs, “Ever, you shouldn’t worry, I'm sure Jack is fine.”

My mouth drops. “What, I thought if I chose the sea, the Erebus would kill him.” Amber looks surprised at this point, “Well, if you thought that would happen, then why did you choose the sea?”

I shrug, “I had to know. I had to see him again. I knew that if I chose to stay on land, I wouldn’t even… remember him.”

She smiles and says, “Alright then, let’s go.”

I look out to the crashing waves uneasily and start to walk to the water.

Just breathe
.

I follow her into the water.

We walk out and swim out for about a quarter of a mile then she turns to me as we tread water, “We are far enough now. You need to ‘will’ your fin, just envision it.”

Before I can do anything I glance down into the water and I can see Amber no longer has legs, but a glorious shimmering mermaid fin.
Alright, I can do this.

I close my eyes and imagine….  I look down and my legs are still there, getting a little tired now. I close my eyes and try again...suddenly I feel differently and I’m not actually treading water anymore. I open my eyes and look down, there instead of legs I have the same glimmering mermaid fin with thousands of those beautiful scales. The look on my face must say a lot because Amber starts laughing.

She tells me, “Let’s try it out.”

And she dives down under the water. I am left by myself. I take a deep breath and dive down to follow.

The view under the water is incredible. It looks nothing like it did when I dove under the water with Jack so many weeks ago. Everything is so clear and bright, as if I have my swim goggles on. I can see even the minute particles of sand from where I am so close to the surface of the water. I can also hear not just the water moving, but also the fish swimming around me. I can hear them breath through their gills. I stop. Wait. I’m not out of air. I’m breathing easily, not gasping. This is exhilarating.

Suddenly, I feel a hand on my shoulder and I dart around startled, it’s Amber. She speaks clearly, as if we don’t have a ton of water around us, “Let’s go Ever, we have a long trip, follow me.”

I follow, not trusting my voice underwater.

Amber zips through the water and I worry, there is no way I’ll be able to keep up with her, but I have no problems. I don’t even feel winded moving this fast through the water. We glide deeper into the depths and the sea bottom seems to rise closer. Glancing at the fish we pass I am aware of how vibrant their colors are. This reminds me of my own fin, so I glance back and watch as it waves through the water with each of my movements. I am amazed that this is me, completely unbelievable.
I am actually a mermaid
.

We swim for what seems like hours, covering a large distance. As we continue to descend further into the sea, I notice the light from the sun is slowly dissipating and there are more shadows. I watch as a light appears ahead of us and I remember Jack and his “flashlight hands”. The memory brings a smile to my lips. Amber seems to have the same ‘will’. The spotlight from her hands just makes everything all the more beautiful. The grasses sway and the coral appears in colors, I don’t even know the names for.

I start to focus on the sounds around me. I can hear and feel the movement of the waves above us. The sounds are peaceful and subdued. I am coming to the conclusion that under the water is nothing like I ever imagined. I wonder how my Gam-aw could have given this up.

Then I see it, at first it’s just columns of glittery looking things, far off in the distance, like sparkling stars underwater. As we glide closer I notice that I am looking at shapes and as we continue the shapes grow. Finally, I realize it’s a sort of city that I am looking at. The buildings are amazing in architecture. There are curves where you would see straight lines on land. All the buildings have a shimmer when the light hits them just right. They seem to be made of a substance unlike our buildings, but not rock either. I am truly awestruck at the beauty and grandeur of it.

As we get closer still, I realize the immense size. It seems to sprawl on forever in the opposite direction as if it spans hundreds of miles.

Amber glances back to check on me. She smiles in response to my reaction. We finally reach the city and it is hugely intimidating while we swim through it. Amber obviously has a destination in mind. We turn a corner and I am shocked to see other mermaids and mermen swimming along between structures. They don’t even glance in our direction. Amber checks on me again so I give her a thumbs up.