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In Charles' case, no matter how considerate and polite he was to her or
how well bred, she knew to the depths of her soul that he didn't.

"It's all wrong, Olivia. Trust me. I know it."

"You can't say that yet. You've only been married to him for three
months, and you scarcely knew him before that."

"And in a year, when I tell you the same thing? What will you say then?

" Victoria asked her sister, her own eyes looked wise beyond their years
and said that she already knew the outcome. They may have to spend a
life at each other's side, but Victoria knew as sure as she breathe that
they would never come to love each other. Will you tell me then that I
can divorce him? " They both knew that their father would never hear of
it, and even Olivia looked shocked at the thought.

But Victoria knew that she could not endure this forever. "I won't stay
here till I rot, Olivia. I can't. It will kill me."

"You have to, " Olivia said fiercely. "At least for long enough to truly
know your heart, and his. You cannot make any decision now.

It's way too early." In time, if she was truly miserable, perhaps she
could come back to Croton to live, and not divorce. But Olivia knew that
that would destroy her too. Victoria needed so much more in her life,
she needed ideas and politics and new horizons to look toward.

She was not content to sit at home, and mend their father's socks as she
did. But there was a part of her that almost hoped she would come home,
so they could be together again. But a more generous side of Olivia
truly wanted her to stay with Charles and be happy. Why don't I take
Geoff with me for a few days. He can miss a day or two of school, and I
can take him up to Croton. It will give the two of you some time alone.

It might do wonders."

"You're a dreamer, Ollie, " Victoria said, knowing her twin didn't fully
understand the hopelessness of the situation. Victoria already knew in
her heart where her marriage was going. But she had to admit that it
would be a relief to get rid of the boy for a few days. It wasn't that
she hated him, as he had said, it was just that she didn't want to care
for him, or worry about him, or pick up his toys, or chase the dog out
of her bedroom. She didn't want to be responsible for another human
being. She'd had no idea before that it would be as time-consuming as it
was, or as annoying.

"Maybe you could take Geoff with you for a day or two." At least then
she could stay at her meetings. "I suppose if he were mine, " she said
thoughtfully, "it might be different. But he's not, and I just can't
imagine what it would be like, having children.

" It was yet another thought that held no appeal for her. Although she
had been forced into marriage, she had been adamant with Charles that
there would be no children. And as Olivia listened to her, she was
surprised to realize that she couldn't have loved Geoff more herself, if
he had been her child, which she had often wished he were since she'd
met him.

He was going to replace, in her heart and mind, the children she would
ever have now.

I'd be happy to take him back to Croton with me, " she said calmly.

"But I want you to spend some time with Charles, and not just meet with
your suffragettes in old churches and dark hallways."

"You make it sound so sordid, " Victoria laughed at her, but she was
pleased to be relieved of Geoffrey for a few days. "I promise you, it's
not. You'd see for yourself, if you ever came with me. But lately, I've
been busy anyway, learning about the war in Europe."

"I suggest you learn about your husband instead, " Olivia said sternly
and Victoria came to put her arms around her and kiss her.

"You always rescue me, " she said, sounding like a little girl again as
Olivia held her. Olivia missed her so terribly, particularly at night,
lying in their too big bed, and now she didn't even have Geoff to keep
her company, with his puppy.

"I'm not sure I can rescue you this time, " Olivia said honestly.

"You're going to have to work on this yourself."

"You know, it would be so much easier if we just switched, " Victoria
said, sounding flip, but Olivia did not look pleased. One did not
"switch" in a marriage.

"Would it? How well would you like staying in Croton and caring for
Father? " Victoria had had a taste of a bigger world now, and Olivia
knew she wouldn't be satisfied in Croton either. Victoria hungered for
far more than that. Olivia just hoped that Charles could give it to her.

Perhaps if she did have children of her own, and settled down, it might
solve the problem.

Olivia picked Geoff up at school that afternoon, with his suitcase, and
his dog, and his tattered monkey in the car, and he was delighted to
hear that they were going to Croton. He was excited about being able to
ride his horse again, and being with Olivia, and seeing her father whom
he now called "Grampa." But Charles was even more surprised when he came
home and found the boy had gone to Croton. What about school?

" he asked Victoria, with a vague look of consternation.

"He can miss a few days. He's only ten years old, after all." She
brushed it off. She'd had a very interesting afternoon, at a lecture
about the Battle of Brussels in August. Olivia would have been less than
pleased if she'd known it.

"You might have asked me, " he said, looking tired and annoyed, but
peripherally aware that he was alone with Victoria, and she was looking
very lovely. Her eyes were excited and alive, and her exceptional figure
was set off by a new dress her sister had brought her. It was long and
sleek and black, and the latest style in Paris.

"I thought I was supposed to be his mother, " Victoria snapped at
Charles. He didn't like the way she spoke to him, but the fire in her
eyes only made her more alluring.

"You are, but I'm older and wiser than you are, " he said a little more
gently. "It's all right. It'll do him good to be in the country for a
few days. It might do us good as well, perhaps we should go up too this
weekend." She didn't like Croton much, but she always loved visiting her
sister.

But on the other hand, if they went to Croton now, it would defeat the
whole purpose of Olivia taking Geoffrey with her.

"Maybe another time, " she said vaguely. "We could leave him here, and
go up ourselves to visit with Olivia and Father."

"Without Geoff? " Charles looked surprised. "He'd never forgive us."

And then he looked at her sadly. "You don't like being with him,
Victoria, do you?"

"I don't know how to, " she said, as she lit a cigarette, and looked
across the room at her husband. It was always a strain being with him.

She wished she could see in him all the virtues her sister did.

For Victoria, even now, it was like being with a stranger. "I'm not used
to children."

"He's such an easy child, " he said, thinking of the maternal love the
boy deserved, and had had so much of from Susan.

It was always hard for Charles not to compare Victoria to her. But she
herself had never had any mothering, except from her twin. It had always
been Olivia who nurtured her, and Victoria who was treated like the
baby. "I wish you two would get to know each other better." He had meant
for the three of them to spend a summer together in Newport, and instead
Victoria had insisted on a two-month honeymoon in Europe.

"Olivia says the same thing about us." His wife smiled at him through
her cigarette smoke.

"Were you complaining to her? " he asked, somewhat unhappily. He liked
keeping his family affairs private, but he had long since suspected that
between the twins there were no secrets. And in the light of the
awkwardness they still shared privately, he did not find that a
comforting prospect. "Is that why she took Geoff away? To leave us
together? "

"I just said I was having trouble getting used to all this, " she said
vaguely, but he knew from the look in her eyes that she had most
probably told all to her sister.

"I wish you wouldn't discuss private matters with her, Victoria, " he
said, approaching her from across the room with a cautious frown, "it's
somewhat indelicate." Victoria nodded, and said nothing, as the cook
called them to dinner.

The hour they spent in the dining room was somewhat strained, and after
that Charles went to his study upstairs to look at some papers.

Victoria was in their bedroom reading Penrod, and it was late when he
finally came into their bedroom. He had been working very hard since
they came home, and he looked tired and somewhat vulnerable when he
glanced at her. She looked so sweet, sitting, reading there, and so
young.

It reminded him of why he'd agreed to marry her, and why at times he
almost loved her. He never gave his heart full rein with her, and he
felt sure he'd never do that again, but the way she looked tonight, with
her long black hair cascading over her lace nightgown and her full
breasts, she almost melted his defenses.

"You're up late, " he said with a smile, and then went to undress, and
she was still reading when he came back in his dressing gown and
pajamas.

Although he hadn't with his late wife, he slept with Victoria fully
clad, and nowadays he was cautious about keeping a careful distance.

They had had a few more unsuccessful attempts, and she seemed to find
physical contact with him at night extremely unpleasant.

When he got into bed, she put her book away dutifully and turned off the
light, and they lay there for a while, side by side, awake, in silence.

"It's odd being here alone, isn't it? With Geoff gone, I mean.

" He always liked knowing that his son was near him. But he liked being
with her too, and the thought of having the upper floors of the house to
themselves had begun to arouse him. Victoria said nothing as she lay
next to him. For some reason, she was thinking of her sister, and how
much she missed her. She wished she were at home with her again, and not
married to Charles, or worrying about Geoffrey. It was all so difficult
and so tiresome, and so much harder and less bearable than she'd
expected.

If she'd known what it would be like, she would never have married him,
and she might have let her father send her to a convent. "What are you
thinking about? " he asked in a whisper, as he lay on his side and
looked at her.

"Religion, " she smiled mischievously at him, embarrassed by her
thoughts, and he didn't believe her.

"That is an awful lie. I'm surprised at you. It must have been something
really wicked."

"It was, " she said, all innocence. In some ways they were friends, in
others they weren't.

He touched her cheek gently then, wishing that they'd gotten off to the
right kind of start. So far it had been beyond ghastly between them, and
it was painful and awkward for both of them. Particularly Victoria, who
had no idea how to cope with her own feelings of recalcitrance, or his
unexpected but totally understandable problem after her rejection.

"You're so beautiful, " he whispered, moving slowly closer to her, as he
watched her stiffen. "Victoria .. . don't .. . please .

.. trust me .. ." But all she could think of as she looked at him was
Toby ...
and then she could still feel the searing pain of the night she had lost
his baby .. . "I don't want to hurt you."

"You don't love me, " she said in words that surprised even her.

She hadn't meant to say them.

"Let me learn .. . perhaps if we have this, it will bring us closer
together." But it didn't work that way for her. She needed to feel close
to him before they made love, in order to even want to. It was the
primal difference between men and women. We have to start loving each
other somewhere .. . we have to trust each other .. ." But he was lying
to her, and he knew it. He didn't trust any woman not to die and leave
him. It was what he had felt for Olivia that night when she fell from
her horse, she was so frail and vulnerable, and if she had died .