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She stayed up late that night after he went to bed, and thought about
what had happened to them, the quirk of fate that had cast them
together, and the bad luck that seemed to have marked her ever since her
affair with Toby .. . the baby she had lost .. . the reputation she'd
destroyed .. . the fact that she had been forced into marriage with
Charles, and had to leave her sister .. .

and now the physical obligations she was expected to fulfill and could
no longer bear. It was difficult to imagine a happy future. For a
strange moment, she thought of running away from him, and never going
home again, but she knew she couldn't. If nothing else, she had to see
Olivia, though she dreaded going back to New York now. And starting life
with him, with his son, and all the responsibilities it would entail
seemed painfully dreary. Europe had begun to give her a taste of what
she wanted.

She wanted excitement, and politics, and freedom. She had no real tie to
this man, there was no bond of the flesh or the soul or the heart, and
after two months with him, however kind or wise or patient he was, she
knew there never would be. He knew it too. But she also knew that he was
not prepared to admit it. Perhaps he never would. And then what would
she do? She had bravely spoken to Olivia of divorce, when they were
still back in Croton. But she knew that Charles would never agree to
that either. She was trapped. Her destiny sealed to his.

She was bound to him, and she knew that eventually they would drown
together.

If nothing else, this stifling life of being bound to a man she didn't
love would kill her. She knew she had to talk to Olivia about it, but
there didn't seem to be much to say. They had made their deal, and
pledged their vows, they had gambled, and lost. In truth, they had known
nothing about each other.

"Are you coming to bed tonight? " he asked, and she jumped when she
heard his voice. He was standing in the doorway to their bedroom.

She looked at him hesitantly, and then nodded, wondering if he wanted to
try again, or if he just wanted her to do what he told her. In either
case, she didn't like her options.

But when she went to bed a few moments later, she was surprised when he
simply put his arms around her and held her.

"I don't know how to reach you, Victoria, he said sadly. "I know you're
locked in there somewhere, but I can't find you." He knew he had a wife,
but he hadn't met her yet, and he wondered if he ever would now.

Like Victoria, he was beginning to lose hope. They had been married for
two months, which wasn't long, but it had begun to feel like forever.

"I can't find me either, Charles, " she said unhappily, and they clung
to each other like flotsam in an ocean.

"Perhaps we will someday. If we wait long enough. I won't give up, you
know. It took me months to believe that Susan was dead. I kept thinking
they'd find her." She nodded, comforted in a way by what he said.

It would have been so much easier to love him. She wanted to, but she
didn't know how, and she seemed to have lost that kind of feeling.

There was no love for him in her heart, and the worst part was he knew
it.

"Don't give up on me, Charles, " she said in a small voice. "Not yet.

" Without Olivia, she felt frightened.

"I won't, " he whispered as he held her close. "I won't give up for a
long, long time." He whispered into her neck, as he fell asleep, holding
her, thinking that perhaps the honeymoon hadn't been quite so awful
after all. Maybe eventually, things would get better. And as he held
her, Victoria lay in his arms, dreaming of freedom.

Chapter 16.

The return trip on the Aquatania seemed twice as long as the trip out,
as Victoria and Charles sat side by side on deck chairs. He slept, she
read, and she was intrigued to have met Andrea Hamilton on the ship, and
they spent a lot of time discussing her latest theories on suffrage.

Charles only wished that hearing about it still intrigued him. As it
turned out, his wife appeared to be obsessed with women's causes and
issues. This was not a passing fancy for her, or a slightly eccentric
topic of conversation, it was what she lived and breathe for.

And although he'd known of her interest before, he had not realized how
advanced the disease was. It was all she read about, talked about, cared
about, or pursued. And Charles was finding her passion for it
excruciatingly boring.

"We're sitting at the captain's table tonight, " he said sleepily,
opening one eye, as she lay on the deck chair beside him. "I just
thought I'd warn you."

"That's nice of him, " she said without much interest. "Want to go for a
swim? " Sometimes he felt the difference in their ages. He was happy
Lying there, soaking up the sun, and Victoria liked to keep busy.

But he was willing to oblige her.

Half an hour later, they went down to the pool, and Charles had to force
himself not to think about her body. She wore a black bathing suit, and
as she swam laps the length of the pool, he couldn't help but admire her
style and her long, lithe figure. He joined her then, and they swam side
by side, and finally she stopped and smiled at him. She seemed to feel
better.

"You're quite a girl, " he said, admiringly. She had certainly run his
legs off in the last two months, and challenged him in ways that were
not always pleasant. Sometimes he wished he knew her better, at others
he wished he'd never met her. And looking at her that way reminded him
of her twin. And he wondered if now, after living with her for two
months, he would find it easier to distinguish between them, or perhaps
it would be harder. In some ways, he felt as though he had lost some of
his sense of her in the past months. She had been none of the things
he'd expected.

"Have you missed Olivia a lot? " he asked, as they dried off, and sat in
chairs around the pool, watching the other swimmers.

"Terribly, " she said honestly, with a wistful look. "I never thought I
could live without her. When I was a little girl, I thought that if I
were taken away from her, it would kill me." He didn't tell her that
that was how he had once felt about Susan.

"And now? " he asked, genuinely curious. There was so much about them
that intrigued him, the kind of communication they seemed to have,
almost without words, the instinct they had for each other.

"I know that I can do it, " she said. "But I don't really want to.

I wish she'd come to New York to live with us, but I know she won't
leave Father. And he doesn't want her to. He keeps her there to take
care of him. It's not fair to her, but she doesn't see that." It was
something Charles had thought too, and he had said as much to her
sister, when Olivia brought Geoff the puppy.

"Perhaps we can talk her into it when we get home. Or long visits
anyway. Geoff would love it."

"Would you mind her living with us? " Victoria asked, surprised by what
he'd just said, as he was by her candor about their father. He was a
selfish old man, and he got away with it, because his daughters were
willing to let him do it. But Olivia was paying the price for it, and it
irked him to see her do it.

"No, I wouldn't mind, " Charles answered her question. "She's
intelligent and polite, and incredibly kind, and she's always very
helpful, " he said thoughtfully, and then noticed the look on his
wife's face. The odd thing was that he still didn't think of her that
way, as his wife. Even after two months, they seemed like strangers.

"Maybe you should have married her, " Victoria said tartly.

"She wasn't offered to me, " he shot back at her, still angry at times
that there was so much they hadn't told him. Victoria hadn't had a
broken romance, she'd had an affair with a married man, she'd been well
used, and even pregnant. That wasn't quite the same thing, although at
this late date, he was willing to accept it.

"Maybe sometime we'll switch for you, " Victoria snapped at him, but he
didn't seem to like the idea as he frowned at her.

"That's not funny." The idea that he might be duped by them had always
made him uncomfortable, or that he would say something he shouldn't to
one or the other. In fact, he found it quite unnerving.

"Shall we go back upstairs? " he asked finally, and she nodded. They
always seemed to be arguing these days, even when they didn't mean to.

They dressed separately for dinner, and emerged in full dress for the
captain's dinner. There was talk of nothing but the war in Europe that
night, and Victoria found it fascinating, and had a great many radical,
but interesting, opinions. Charles was proud as he listened to her.

She was certainly very intelligent, it was only a shame that she wasn't
easier to get along with.

Eventually, they strolled back to their cabin. They had danced for a
while, but neither of them was in the mood, and it was a beautiful night
on the North Atlantic. Victoria lit a cigarette, and she stood next to
him, looking out to sea, smoking in silence.

"Well, " he said, smiling at her ruefully. "Was it a good honeymoon, or
not? Did you have fun? " At least that would have been something.

"To answer your questions, yes, at times, and I don't know yet.

Was it good, or not? What do you think? "

"I think it was interesting, but not easy." And it was odd, coming home
with war on their heels as they returned from Europe. "Maybe that's the
way life is at this point.

Maybe you only get one shot at the brass ring. I'm not sure yet." He was
referring to Susan, and she knew it. She had Toby, who was certainly no
dream, but she had loved him, madly.

"Maybe it just takes time. We will grow to love each other, as people
say. It happens." But both of them were doubtful.

"What now then? I become a housewife? "

"Do you have any other plans, Mrs. Dawson? Do you plan to become a
doctor or a lawyer? "

"I think not. Politics She was already fascinated by the war in Europe.

"I'd like to go back and study what's happening over there, maybe get
involved somehow. Make myself useful."

"Like what? " He looked horrified. "Drive an ambulance or something like
that? "

"Maybe, " she said thoughtfully.

"Don't you dare, " he said, and meant it. "Suffragist demonstrations are
bad enough, thank you very much. No wars please." But she wondered if he
could stop her if she really wanted to go back to Europe. She knew
Olivia would disapprove too so she certainly couldn't discuss it with
her, or her father. But she had been thinking about it seriously, ever
since they sailed from Southampton. She felt as though she were missing
something going back to the States. They were leaving all the excitement
behind them. "What about Geoff? How does he fit into your activities?

Will you make time for him? " She knew how important that was to him,
and he looked worried.

"I'll take care of him. Don't worry."

"Good." He smiled at her, satisfied that she meant it, and then they
strolled back to their stateroom. It was so warm they left two of their
portholes open, but that night Charles didn't touch her. He just didn't
have the energy or the courage.

And the next morning, at nine o'clock they had a life-boat drill.

It was unusually serious, since war had been declared, and Victoria
wondered briefly if it would upset him and remind him of Susan.

But he seemed all right afterwards, and when they went back to their
room for breakfast, he smiled at her, and then without saying anything
he kissed her.

"What was that for? " she asked in surprise, and he grinned at her.

"Being married to me. We haven't exactly been easy with each other.

I'll try and do better when we get home. Maybe getting back , to
normal life will do us both good. Maybe honeymoons are too much
pressure." He was referring cryptically to their unsuccessful sex life,
and she nodded. But they tried it again that night, and although this
time he entered her, and she made an effort for him, he knew that it had
been no better for her than it had been before, and this time it worried
him deeply. There had been a time in his life when sex was wonderful,
Geoff had been born of that, and what he had now with Victoria left him
feeling so lonely, and so empty. Afterwards when Victoria was asleep, he
lay looking at her wondering if there was any hope for a real life
between them. It remained to be seen when they got home, but he was no
longer quite as optimistic.

When the ship passed the Statue of Liberty, Victoria and Charles were on
deck, watching the sun come up, and it was the closest they had felt to
each other in two months. They were both excited to be going home, she
to see her twin, and he to see Geoff. Olivia had said they would meet
them in New York. And as soon as the giant liner docked at ten o'clock,
they began scouring the pier, and then Victoria let out a yell.

She had seen them. They began waving frantically from the ship, and the
next moment Olivia caught a glimpse of them, and she began crying as she
jumped up and down, holding Geoff's hand. Her father had come too, and
they had even brought the puppy with them. He was almost fully grown
now.

Victoria could hardly contain herself as she hurried down to them, and
it was easy to see who her first love was as she threw herself into her
sister's arms, and the two girls spun around, holding each other, and
laughing and crying. They were nothing more than a blur of legs and arms
and smiles, and when they stopped and Charles looked at them, he
realized that even after two months apart, they were still so much the
same, that he could not tell them apart for a single instant. He
remembered that Victoria had had on a red dress, but Olivia did too.

It was the same one and they had done it without warning each other, and
without plan. Olivia had simply worn it so they could see her.

But Charles had to look for the ring on Victoria's hand to make sure
which twin was his wife. It was eerie.

"Well, some things don't change, I guess, " he said, laughing as the two
girls spun around again, and hugged harder, as Olivia confessed she
thought she would die without her twin sister.

"But Geoff took very good care of me, " Olivia said, looking down at him
proudly. He was a wonderful child, and they had had a good summer
together.

"How was the honeymoon? " the girls' father asked, and Charles responded
quickly.

"Marvelous. Except for the war in Europe, of course. We could have done
without that at the end, but we got out very quickly."

"It looks like a terrible mess over there, " Edward said, concerned, as
the customs officials began going through their trunks. Their passports
had already been checked on the ship that morning.

Olivia had opened the house on Fifth Avenue, and she and her father were
going to stay there for a few days, to visit with the newlyweds, and in
order for her father to catch up on business. But Geoff was torn about
where he wanted to stay. He was aching to see his father again, but he
hated to leave Olivia now. She was almost like a mother to him.

"She was so nice to me, Dad. We went riding every day, and swimming, and
we had picnics. We went everywhere. She even bought me a horse, " Geoff
explained to Charles as he helped him load their trunks into the Ford.
Their father had brought both cars, for them and their baggage, and when
they got to Charles' house on the East Side, they could see Olivia's
capable hand there too. She had opened the house for them, organized
their maid and told her what to do. The house had been aired, the linens
were all fresh, there were flowers everywhere. It didn't look like the
same place. And there were small gifts for them, and some toys for Geoff
waiting in his room, and a new bed for his puppy.