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"He'll figure it out eventually. Or Geoff will. Besides, I won't even
discuss this with you. No! Do you hear me? " She wasn't really angry at
her, but she wanted to be sure that Victoria knew it wasn't an option.

But Victoria didn't even argue about it, she just nodded and got up, and
looked at Olivia in despair, which made it even worse. And then she
walked slowly away from her sister.

Chapter 18.

They didn't discuss switching again during her stay, but Victoria seemed
unusually subdued when they left. And Olivia was worried about her.

She wanted to go to the city to see how she was in a week or two, but
their father took a turn for the worse again, and the pneumonia returned
with a vengeance. It was a narrow scrape for him, and then Olivia came
down with a nasty case of influenza. In the end, it was late February
before Olivia was able to get back to the city. And nothing had changed
between them. If anything, Victoria seemed a little more brittle about
things.

She seemed to snap at everyone more easily. And Charles looked even
worse than she did. And on Olivia's second day there, Geoff began
running a fever.

Victoria was out when Olivia discovered it, and by late that afternoon,
he was almost delirious and Olivia had called the doctor. She called
Charles at work too, and he came straight home to see him.

"Where is she? " he asked about Victoria, and Olivia had to admit to him
that she had no idea, though she hated to do it. And by then, spots had
begun to appear, and he had a ghastly cough. The doctor said it was a
bad case of the measles.

Victoria came home at seven o'clock that night, after a particularly
interesting lecture at the British Consulate about the viciousness of
German U-boats. They had just formed a blockade of Britain. There had
been a high tea afterwards and Victoria had gotten drawn into lengthy
discussions. She hadn't even thought of calling Charles and telling him
she'd be late for dinner. She was hoping he'd be home late too, but bad
luck for her he'd been home all afternoon with Geoffrey.

Olivia was quietly sponging the child's brow when she came in, and there
was a hush in the house that only happens in the event of death or
severe illness.

"What happened to him? " Victoria whispered to her from the doorway when
she saw him, and Olivia tiptoed over to her, looking like her own image
approaching in the mirror.

"He's got measles. Poor kid. He's really very sick. I wish I had him in
Croton. I was thinking about sending for Bertie. He's going to be down
for a couple of weeks, and he'll probably feel just awful. I can stay if
you'd like." She glanced at Victoria, but she already knew the answer.

"Oh God .. . please .. . how's Charles? " She wanted to know if he was
angry.

"I think he was worried about you." It was a polite way of saying that
he was furious she was late, and suspicious of where she had gone, but
he said it all to her that night, in their bedroom.

"And where did you say you were? " he asked nastily for the second time.

The kind of tone he had taken with her was most unlike him.

"I told you. The British Consulate. At a talk about U-boats."

"How fascinating. My son has a fever of a hundred and five, and you're
learning about U-boats. Fantastic."

"I'm not clairvoyant, Charles.

I didn't know he'd get sick today, " she said calmly. More calmly than
she felt. In the past eight months, they had become experts at fighting.
Better undoubtedly than the captains of the U-boats, and surely just as
deadly.

"You're supposed to be here for him, " he shouted at her. "I'm not
supposed to have to come from the office because no one can find his
mother."

"His mother is dead, Charles. I'm just standing in, " she said coldly.

"And not very well, I might add. Your sister pays more attention to him
than you do."

"Then you should have married her. She'd make a much better wife.

She has far better domestic skills than I do."

"Your father didn't offer her. He offered you, " he said unhappily,
hating himself for the kind of things he said to her. But their life
together had been such a disappointment to both of them, and neither of
them knew what to do about it. There was no way out. They just had to
live with each other till it killed them. She had already mentioned
divorce to him, but to Charles that was out of the question.

"Perhaps if you go back to Father he'll be willing to exchange us for
each other. Like shoes that don't fit. Why don't you ask him? " she
snarled at him, feeling every bit as trapped as he did. And the fact
that they had no physical relationship whatsoever anymore had virtually
ended whatever they might have had between them. Their last futile
attempt at making love had been in January, and they had each silently
vowed never to try it again, and they hadn't. It was too disappointing,
and much too depressing. It was just a mirror for all their ills, and
all that had never been and never could be. Charles was determined never
to lay a hand on her again, even if it meant being abstinent for the
rest of his life. It just wasn't worth it. And Victoria felt the same.

She had no desire at all to continue frustrating him and herself for no
purpose.

"I don't find your suggestions amusing, " he said to his wife darkly.

"Or your behavior. And I expect to see you here every day, with our son
.. . my son, if you prefer it that way .. . with your hand on his brow,
or spooning broth into him until he recovers. Is that quite clear? "

"Yes, sir, " she said, curtseying to him like a maid in a French farce
on Broadway. And then, more seriously. "Do you mind if my sister stays
to help me? "

"To take care of him for you, you mean, " he said viciously but with
truth, as Victoria knew. She had no idea how to care for sick children.

"I don't care which one of you takes care of him. I can't tell the
difference between you anyway, " he said, looking distraught, "just so
one of you does it."

"I'll take care of it, " she said, and left the room to find her sister.

She wished that she could sleep with her that night, but she !

knew that would enrage Charles even further. Although he had no
intention of laying a hand on her, he didn't like other people knowing
their business, especially her sister.

"How is he? " Olivia asked quietly about Charles, from the foot of
Geoffrey's bed. He was sleeping, and the fever had not yet broken.

"Not pleased, to say the least." Victoria smiled at her. Even under
these circumstances, it was good to be together. It was such a relief to
be with her, to be able to talk to her, even to confide in her, as much
as she dared to. It was actually embarrassing to admit to her how far
their marriage had deteriorated, but she could sense that Olivia knew
anyway, and she had heard him shouting.

In the end they were together for nearly a month, in the little house on
the East River. Geoffrey was sick for three weeks, and Olivia never left
him alone for a moment. Charles was aware of it, though he was under the
impression that Victoria had done at least some of the nursing. He had
seen her sitting by his bedside at times, and he was relieved to see
that. What he didn't know was that it had always been Olivia, and she
had let him think it was her sister. It was the only deception she would
allow. But at least Victoria hadn't asked her to switch again, as she
had over Christmas, and Olivia was relieved to think that she had come
to her senses about it.

Relations between them did appear to be strained, but Olivia was still
convinced that, with time, and love on both sides, they would make it.

Maybe even if there was a child, Victoria hadn't told her that there was
no chance of it, and never would be.

She also didn't tell her sister that Charles had recently repeated his
accusation that she was seeing Toby. He found it hard to believe that a
woman who had so far forgotten herself before, and been willing to risk
so much for a man, would be willing to give it all up now, and live the
life of a nun. Particularly since he never knew where she was, or where
she was going. Her activities were all harmless actually, but she
thought it was none of his business what she did, and particularly with
the kind of people she had been meeting lately. She had met a general at
the French Embassy, and several colonels at the British Club who had
impressed on her how great the need was for people to come to Europe and
do anything they could to help the people who were dying there. Their
pleas had haunted her. But she didn't say anything about it to Olivia
either.

When she finally went home again at the end of March, Olivia was
absolutely exhausted. It was a strain being with them, in that small
house, and nursing Geoffrey had taken all of her energy and attention.

It was a relief to get out in the fresh air again, and ride her horse.

And even as much as she loved her, it was a relief not to see her
sister, or her family until Easter. They came to Croton then, and they
were all more subdued this year. Victoria and Charles felt as though
they'd been at war for ten months, and Geoffrey was still a little
worn-out after the measles. But Olivia had nursed him well and he had
made a complete recovery. Two little girls in his class had died in the
epidemic.

Olivia was particularly grateful that he had done so well when she heard
about them. And Charles had made a point of thanking her one afternoon
as they walked the grounds, and her heart went out to him, as they
looked out over the Hudson River in silence. She sensed a vast sorrow in
him. He knew what he had done. He had once had love, and he had settled
for something less in a foolish moment. He had thought he was doing it
for his son, but in truth he had been protecting himself too from future
pain, and he had been wrong to do it.

He looked down at Olivia for a long moment, and said nothing to her, and
then they turned around and went back to the house. She tucked a hand
into his arm, and just feeling her empathy for him stirred him, and he
gently pulled away from her. It was painful being close to anyone now,
particularly his wife's far more compassionate sister. He didn't want to
be reminded of what was missing in his marriage. And although it hurt
her when he pulled away, Olivia instinctively understood that.

Olivia was beginning to think that her sister had resigned herself to
her fate too, when she suddenly slipped into their old room the day
before they left and looked long and hard at her sister.

"I have to talk to you, " Victoria said, looking tense, and for a mad
moment Olivia hoped she was going to tell her she was pregnant. It might
be the answer to everything, a bond which would finally join them.

But she was not prepared for what Victoria said to her instead.

She stood very close to her, looked into her eyes, and touched Olivia's
face with her fingers.

"I'm leaving."

"What? "

"You heard me. Olivia, I have to. I can't bear it for a moment longer."

"But you can't do that to them. How can you be so selfish? " She hadn't
even thought of herself yet, and what it meant to her if Victoria went,
all she could think of now were Charles and Geoffrey.

"It'll kill me if I stay, I'm absolutely sure of it, Ollie." She paced
the room then, glancing occasionally at her sister, and then she stopped
and looked at her. "Switch with me, please. I will go either way ...
but at least then, you'll be there for them, if you're so worried about
them."

"But where will you go? " Olivia was horrified by what she was hearing.

"Europe, " she said confidently. "France, I think. I can work behind the
lines. I can drive an ambulance if I have to, I'm a pretty good driver."

"Tell that to Father, " Olivia said through tears, "and your French is
terrible. I took all your exams for you, " she said, starting to cry
openly at the thought of losing her sister.

"I'll learn .. . oh Ollie, don't cry, please .. . just do this for me.
One last time. Three months. That's all I want. I'll sail in three
weeks, and I'll come back by the end of summer. I have to do this.