More Than Miles (A Lost Kings MC Novel) (29 page)

I have to endure a few more seconds of her intense stare before she leaves to find Rock. Mara steps out of the room and I’m all alone. My only friend from high school who I’m still close to, Penny, is up front with Lucas and Axel.

Honestly, for a hastily thrown together affair, everything is beautiful. I can’t believe how much Trinity accomplished on such short notice. I try to focus on wedding details, because being alone gives me way too much time to let my mind wander where it shouldn’t.

How many hours of my life did I squander daydreaming how perfect life would be if Blake and I could be together? Marrying Axel splashes gasoline all over that bridge and drops the match. I can never go back. This is it.

I said a lot of horrible things I didn’t mean to Blake in order to push him away. Otherwise, I would have given in and left the clubhouse with him.

Marrying Axel is the
right
thing to do. It only feels wrong because I’m scared. It’s the
only
thing I can do. Axel hasn’t been enthusiastic about the baby yet, but he will be in time.

“Hey, Heidi-girl. Are you ready?” Rock asks from the doorway.

Clutching the skirt of my dress, I cross the room. “I’m ready.”

One of his big hands settles under my chin, lifting my face so he can look in my eyes. I’m scared of whatever words he’s considering. “Heidi, are you sure this is what you want?”

“Yes. Very much, Uncle Rock.”

Lie.

He blows out a frustrated breath but nods and holds his arm out for me.

My brother decided this morning he was too furious to give me away, so Rock stepped in. He’s been the closest I’ve ever had to a father, so it seems appropriate.

My breath catches when we walk down the stairs. Every member of the club is here. Bricks is here with his girlfriend and their kids. Even Sparky made his way out of the basement. A few guys I recognize from the downstate club even came. They all turn to watch us descend.

We stop at the bottom landing to meet Marcel. He wraps me in a tight embrace. “I love you so much, baby sis,” he rasps out. When I pull away, I swear I see tears glittering in his eyes. I’ve never seen Marcel cry once in my life, and the thought of him fighting tears because of me has me ready to bawl.

I barely manage to keep it together as he and Rock nod at each other. Then, my brother holds his arm out to walk me down the aisle, something he swore he wouldn’t do.

Warmth replaces some of the uncertainty in my heart, and my hand flutters over my stomach. My child will grow up with a big, loving family around and never, ever be lonely, the way I was. She’ll know who her father is and grow up feeling loved and wanted. I’ll be the best mother ever. Once the baby’s here, Axel will be the father I know he can be.

My whole life, hope and heartbreak have been pretty much the same thing.

As we walk down the aisle, I’m not sure which emotion is stronger.

After leaving Heidi, I trudge down the stairs like a zombie. Trinity has turned the clubhouse into something beautiful for the wedding. She spots me and strides over, setting her hand on my arm.

“Are you okay?” she whispers.

I can’t lie to Trinity and there’s no point. I’m sure my misery’s written all over my face. Her concern makes me feel worse. She’s someone else I’ve treated like shit over the years. I don’t deserve her concern.

I can see the hesitation on her face. She wants to hug me. But she won’t. Not because Wrath’s watching us from a few feet away, but because she doesn’t want to do anything to embarrass me in front of everyone. I love her even more for it.

“I’ll be okay.”

“We all thought it would be you.”

“I know.”

She doesn’t apologize, but I see remorse in the way her eyes shine. “Don’t go there, Trin. I fucked this up on my own. It’s on me.”

She shakes her head but doesn’t say anything.

“You look beautiful,” I say, nodding at her dress.

“Thanks.”

“You did an incredible job here.” The words hurt like nails in my throat, but I know how much effort Trinity put into this, even though Heidi hasn’t always been nice to her—also my fault. “Everything looks perfect for her.”

Her smile is forced.

“Get back to your man before he kicks my ass,” I say, giving her a small shove.

Her mouth quirks up and she pats my shoulder.

Wrath slips his arm around her waist and whispers in her ear when she returns. I watch them together for a minute and all I want to do is leave. Eat concrete for as many miles as it takes to forget all the mistakes I’ve made. Everywhere my gaze lands, I see shit I’ve fucked up.

Trinity. I’ve been half in love with her since I was sixteen years old. Never treated her right.

Axel, who I chased out of the club.

Wrath. I unknowingly fucked him over for almost as long as I’ve looked up to him.

My best friend, Marcel, who I disrespected.

A gentle touch on my shoulder can only be Hope. I turn and the way she smiles up at me chases the chill out of my chest. Even though she has to know by now what a jerk I am, she clings to this stupid notion that I’m a good guy, and I never want to disappoint her.

Behind Hope, at the top of the stairs, I catch a glimpse of Heidi’s white dress. Rock’s up there with her.

Waiting to walk her down the aisle.

“We’re about to start. Walk me to my chair?”

I hold out my arm and she takes it.
Man the fuck up.
I can do this. I have to do this. There’s no other choice.

“Are you okay?” Hope asks before she sits.

“Not really.”

Axel glances over and nods at me. The absence of a smug smile is what stops me from putting a bullet between his eyes. That and the way he can’t stand still. I imagine the thought of being a father at his age is terrifying.

And that’s about all the empathy I can come up with for the kid.

I lean over. “Did you know?” I ask Hope softly. By my raised eyebrow, she knows exactly what I’m asking.

“Yes. She told me a while ago.”

“That’s good.” Hope looks surprised. I don’t feel like it’s a betrayal if that’s what she’s thinking. “I’m glad she has you to be there for her.”

It’s killing me because I want to pinpoint where I went wrong and go back in time and fix it, so it’s
me
standing in front of the room waiting for Heidi. But that’s pointless because it’s not
one
thing. It’s a culmination of little things. Things I did without thinking that hurt Heidi. The last person in the world I’d ever want to hurt.

Numb, I watch Marcel walk Heidi to the front. Reluctantly, he steps aside and nods at Axel. Rock slips into the chair next to Hope and takes her other hand.

All I see is Heidi smiling up at Axel. When they repeat their vows, it’s nothing more than muffled pain. Each word a shard of glass in my heart.

As blood thunders through my ears and I struggle to pull in a lungful of air, I finally think I understand how Heidi felt all those years. Except, she’s in love with Axel.

Somehow that makes the pain in my chest worse. But it’s the one thing that stops me from hating her and maybe that’s the difference.

I
did what I guess some would say was the right thing and sat quietly through the wedding and watched Heidi marry Axel.

Now, I need to get the fuck away from this place.

The party’s casual and upbeat. Just the way she probably wanted it, but I can’t stay here another second.

I’m done. Out.

Need one hell of a long ass ride to clear my head. To get it through my thick skull that it’s truly over. In the back of my mind, I kept figuring we’d work it out eventually.

Fuck, a couple months ago we were
so close
. We were planning a trip together for fuck’s sake. How did it go so wildly wrong?

What a monumental jackass I am.

“Murphy?” Hope calls out. I wait by the front door for her to reach me. “Where are you going?”

My eyes meet hers and she looks so damn worried, I fake a smile. “I need to go for a ride.”

“Please don’t.” She lowers her voice. “Not when you’re upset or—”

“I haven’t been drinking, Hope. It’s okay. Really, I’ll be fine.”

“Well, maybe Teller will go with—”

“I need to be alone.”

Her eyes shine with unshed tears. For me. Shit, I can do better. Reassure her better than this. Before I have a chance to make up something convincing, Rock joins us, slipping an arm around her waist and pulling her to him. “Let him go, babe. He’s fine.”

His steady gray eyes drill into me, silently asking if his statement’s true and I nod.

“How long will you be gone?” Hope persists.

“Don’t know. Couple days maybe?” Until the clubhouse is clear of all reminders.

“Will you send me a text later and at least let me know you’re okay? No matter how late it is.”

Fuck me if she isn’t the only woman in my life who has ever worried about me. This time my mouth stretches into a more genuine smile. “Yeah. I can do that, First Lady.”

She pulls out of Rock’s embrace and gives me tight hug. Over Hope’s shoulder, my gaze strays to Heidi. “Make sure she’s okay?” I croak out.

Hope nods but doesn’t say anything else.

No one else stops me.

Not until I’m on my bike and the cold air hits my face am I finally able to breathe again.

I don’t make it nearly as far as I need. Exhaustion pulls me into stopping at our downstate charter.

Sway’s more than happy to see me, and I get a warm welcome from the club. Tawny sets me up in a room. I send Hope a text so she doesn’t worry about me ending up as road pizza all night.

Numb, but hurting, I end up staring at the wall until sleep takes the pain away.

A Thousand Miles From Nowhere