On Becoming His (5 page)

In the beginning there was no
doubt she was testing him
as well
, whethe
r consciously or subconsciously. W
hile Luke certainly had
allowed and even encouraged their
generally
vivacious
conversations that always managed to turn into a serious
discussion
, Jessie knew he was growing weary of her constant bantering. Hence he’d told her last night while regular disciplining including spankings were going to be in order, he knew the only way to garner her complete attention was to hold off on
allowing her his “cream” as he called it. Smiling, she sipped her coffee and closed her eyes, envisioning him as she knelt in front of him, ready to please
him
as he required. “
Mmmm
…”
Jessie missed their delicious moments together. Thank God he was coming home.
Home
. What a wonderful word to add to the process. Would they share her home, his or make a new one together? They’d never really discussed the thought but she didn’t care. She’d go with him anywhere he asked.

Shaking her head, she could envision his face the last time he was making love with her, buried so deeply inside. “Hmmm…
I miss you so much.
” Glancing across the table, the unopened Victoria’s Secret bag was a reminder of all the work she had to do before he arrived. It was time to get busy. There were tasks to complete
. What had he said to her?

“How’s my kitty
kat
tonight?” Luke purred into the phone.

“Better since you called.” Curling her legs under her, Jessie longed to have him near. Just the sound of his voice alone was enough to thrill her.

“
Mmm
… I like the sounds of that. Have you been writing in you
r
journal?”

“Some.” She cringed the moment she said the word and as he hesitated, not saying anything
,
she nibbled in her bottom lip. “More than some really.
After we talked the other day I s
at down and penned several pieces
.
”

“Some?”

“Honestly, more than some.”
Her blood pressure instantly rising, she held her breath and calculated what to say. “Poems. I wrote some poems that are really telling I think.
You’ll like them. I meant I wrote them for you and…
”
Her voice trailing off, she knew this was one of those times she would ask for a spanking. He’d asked her to do something simple
now twice
and
on several levels
she’d disobeyed him. Closing her eyes, she grew angry with herself.

             
“Hmmm… Okay. I’ll accept that
answer for now but I want more detail the next time I call
. What else have you been doing with your time away from me? Have you been learning and reading, taking time to think about what you want?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Are you certain?”

“Well…” Fiddling with the hem of her dress, she knew Luke always knew when she wasn’t telling the complete truth. “Mostly.”

“Mostly. Interesting. I suppose we’ll need to work on your cryptic terms when I arrive,” Luke said as he dropped his voice.

“Yes, sir.” Her voice barely audible, Jessie closed her eyes. It was never what he said but the way he said the words conveying his disappointment in her. Sighing, she knew what he was asking of her and in truth there was nothing difficult or time
consuming. He wanted her to simply admit to herself what she needed before she would consider giving to him what she had told
him over and over again she want
ed. “I’m not finished yet. You’ll be happy with me.
And proud.
”

“Kitty
kat
, I’m always proud of you. I simply want to make certain you know what you want. That’s all.
This is very important for both of us.
”

“Yes, sir. I know.”

The conversation was never just about the thought of the D/s lifestyle but the few words always burned in the back of her mind. Luke wanted her certain of what she was talking about, more than certain. And for her this meant everything.
My God, the man had a
one track
mind. Growling, she shook her head.
Men.
Finally grabbing the plastic bag, she peeled open the flap and peered inside. Somehow one of her comforts was ordering from her favorite store. As she pulled out the contents she smiled and then giggled.
There was nothing like purchasing something sexy to remind her how much she longed for certain aspects of romance and…

Groaning, she jerked open the tiny packages and as she slipped out first the spanking new red dress, she sighed as she fingered the slinky material.
Jessie couldn’t help but chuckle thinking the color of the dress might just match her well-spanked ass by the end of the night.
Rising to her feet, she held the dress up and shook her head as she smoothed down the material. This would be perfect for him. Luke loved her in red and loved…
As she allowed her breath to escape slowly,
she nodded over and over again before placing the
new purchase
over the back of a chair gingerly
, fingering the bodice
.

Jessie
o
pened the second and third bags as
she inhaled deeply.
Every once in awhile ordering something so feminine and so seductive
,
like
a
new lacy bra and thong
,
w
as almost a luxury and one she
rarely allowed herself – that is until Luke
waltzed
into her life
. Swallowing hard, she placed both on the kitchen table and smiled. This was a new beginning after all.

Glancing at her watch, she
chewed on her fingernail
as she literally glared at the journal again. As Jessie sat down in the chair, determined to make Luke proud of her, so many thoughts and even more questions raced in the back of her mind. He continued to ask the same questions. Why not tackle them head on? Courage to answer them honestly for
herself
more than anything was really the telling tide so to speak. She picked up the pen and flipped to a new page, just like she was flipping to a new chapter in her life.
“Okay questions.”

Why do you want to become a sub?
Because I know in myself I haven’t been happy taking control of every aspect in my life. While initially I thought this was about control in the bedroom, I know now in truth I have always craved a stronger man and one who had the reins. While I may never be able to explain every
why, this is second nature to
m
e
,
almost like breathing or knowing I never wanted children. This is simply a part of me I’ve been denying for the majority of my life.
Now I know when I was younger I looked for something controlling and found myself in rather precarious relationships with the wrong kind of men, men who could hurt me both physically and mentally and finally I met a nice guy and thought that’s what I was
supposed to do – meet a sweet and very safe
man and fall in love. Perhaps I did to some degree
,
but the honest truth is I loved but wasn’t in love because I was denying
a significant portion of my inner being
and my needs.
And before you ask why, there is no doubt I was afraid not only of admitting to a partner but to myself. Does this make me a lesser person? No. This makes me a much stronger woman and a better life partner
knowing what I need and what I’
m willing to give up for a life I’ve always craved.

Why do you want to be my sub?
Because when I met you I knew for the first time in my life I could honestly trust a man with the truth about myself and allow him in so deeply he knew ever
y
nuance and every dream. I know when I look into your eyes I can trust you without a shadow of a doubt.
I have often called the way I feel about you as seeing the measure of the man. It’s the single
aspect of
knowing you are the only one who knows me better than I know myself. While you’re not perfect, you embody the soul and heart and power of the one man I’ve longed to find. I respect you. I adore you. I admire you. I love you unconditionally and I want to serve you in all things in my life.

I’ve had enough relationships to know the difference, at least in my heart I believe I do. I’m a strong willed woman and one who
knows what she wants,
or so I believe more firmly now with regard to the majority of
aspects of my life. While I will never be able to be controlled to t
he point of being what some wome
n call a doormat
(a life I refuse to live)
, I know you’ll respect me as a woman with her own life and needs while helping me understand how to please and service you. I have no shame in knowing I will please you, serve you and in a sense be at your beckon call. I take joy and pride in the fact I am willing to engage in such a dynamic relationship with a man and one I hold so dear in my heart.
You complete a part of me I
longed to fin
d and continued to search for through
a myriad of failed relationships and difficult intimacies. I simply turned off the woman inside, dead to the majority of feelings and outer stimuli. The very first time I met you I was empowered with such a freeing feeling I was overjoyed and in tears. This is what I want without a shadow of a doubt.

If I wanted to share you with another woman on man in my bed, how does that make you feel?
We’ve talked openly and
candidly about our
past and our sex lives with others. You know
I’ve never been a prude when it comes to having sex and have done many things in my life sexually others might think kinky
, including
a
ménage with both another man and another woman
. In learning about the c
oncept of being a sub I’ve read
so much about lifestyles including sharing. I realize some D/s couples engage in this and
you as
my D gets to say. I don’t fear safety of my health of body. I know
being my “D”
you
will never put me in a difficult position
or in harm’s way
.
This is simply an extension of sharing joy, control, trust and intimacy.

Sighing, Jessie read the passages again as she drained the last of her coffee.
Having sex with another man or woman was certainly
adding
another layer of the relationship
,
but one he’d been very honest and poignant with her about the possibility.
Could she? Given she’d basically attacked a
mystery
man in a bar, probably.
Ugh!
Certainly she was a self-confidant and sexy woman but there was no doubt she’d worry, especially with another woman
,
a younger woman, sharing their bed
. Then again,
Luke had told her right up front he wanted her as his sub
and his life partner
, not another. And she believed him.

Being open and honest was so very important for both of them and she had never been so free to tell someone her very visceral needs, her dark hungers before. This part she enjoyed and yet there would be
continued
apprehension until she knew what he expected of her and of them.
Jessie fully anticipated he would test her with her desires for other men. She sensed this was something concerning him
as if she could and would find a younger man perhaps, a more viral man. She would pass the test. There was n
o doubt
because there was no man like Luke. It had more to do with how she swooned when he looked at her and how he loved her unconditionally but then again, he was sexy as hell
. Swallowing hard, she nodded over and over again. Yes, she would.

What had surprised Jessie was his question, his demand really she tell him in no uncertain terms what a male third would be like in their bed.
She couldn’t remember if his question had been before or after her experience with
blondie
.
While Luke had engaged in certain aspects of enjoying a man and had told her he was bisexual, he
had
made no bones about the fact he wasn’t certain he’d want a permanent third. He also made certain she knew there was the possibility of having a woman in their bed. Both she accepted of course, reminding him she completely understood he made the choice. While he was allowing her choices so to speak, the truth was
he was going to be the one to decide.