Perfect Contradiction (5 page)

“Are you looking for anything in particular, hun?” I turned to the sound of the voice behind me and met the gaze of an elderly lady. Caressing the pink blanket in my hand, I smiled. I couldn’t get the pink, of course, but it had been so pretty, with all kinds of intricate embroidery, that I almost considered it there for a second. I let go of the blanket and turned to the shop owner.

“I’m looking for a baby blanket. Something neutral for a boy or a girl and some bassinet sheets,” I replied. I glanced around the store again. It had a lot of great things for decent prices. I spotted an old, large basket across the room and perked up.

“You know, I’m also looking for some things for my new bed-and-breakfast….” I said as I started walking. “Maybe I can find some good deals here.” I said it with a questioning voice, hoping the shop owner might be willing to negotiate on some of the prices.

“Well, you just tell me what you have your eye on and we’ll see what we can do,” the older woman answered with her own knowing smile. I flashed a grin and headed in the direction of the beautiful basket. It would be perfect to display some of my homemade muffins in for the bakery.

After sitting a few items on the counter, I followed behind the woman to see the baby blankets she said she had. Most of them weren’t exactly what I was looking for. Too fluffy, to girly, or just too new. But then I found a gem. I pulled out the little quilt and held it against my chest as I ran a hand along the edge. A simple edge finished in hand-stitched binding. It wasn’t what I’d originally pictured for the baby, with several colors, including pink, country blue, sea green, and a pale yellow all in different prints, but as soon as I held the quilt in my hand, I knew it had to be mine. It was old, but well taken care of. It had that worn, buttery feeling that quilts tended to get when they’d been loved and used. No stiff, scratchy fabric there. I ran my hand along the stitching once more and sighed. Such love and detail.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” the older lady asked me.

I smiled at her and nodded. “It’s perfect,” I agreed. I folded the blanket back up, along with the two little bassinet sheets that I’d found. They would match well and were just as soft as the quilt.

“Is this going to be a gift or are you expecting?” the little lady asked as she began ringing me up at the front counter. I was the only customer in the shop, which was a shame. There should have been people beating on the doors of such an amazing little place. I put a hand on my stomach. I wondered if she could tell. When I raised my head to answer, I found the lady smiling at me as she put the blanket into a bag.

“No, I can’t tell by your tiny little stomach,” she answered my unasked question. “It’s just you have a little glow about you and the way you touched that blanket… well, I just kind of figured.” I smiled tightly. This wouldn’t do. If I couldn’t hide it from a complete stranger, how much longer did I think I was going to be able to do so in my own hometown? My own very small and
nosy
hometown.

The woman in front of me tutted. “Don’t worry about it, Hun. You’ll do great.” She shrugged and put the last of my purchases in the last bag. “And if you mess up something, you’ll figure it out easily enough and make sure you do better the next time. Motherhood is a wonderful experience. Terrifying and wonderful,” she said with a chuckle.

“Thank you,” I answered after a moment of silence. “I needed to hear that today.”

She smiled gently. “You’re welcome. Just remember to enjoy everything and to let go of those stupid little things that parents seem to worry themselves over. In the end, children grow quickly and years fly by… don’t waste them fretting over the unimportant things like ruined dresses and fancy preschools and whatever else parents put too much importance on nowadays, when you could be making mud pies and catching fireflies.” She shrugged as I stood there, soaking in everything this wise old woman had to say and I was lucky enough to hear.

“When it’s all said and done, grownups don’t remember the expensive clothes they wore as children or if their preschool was the best in the state… they remember the mud pies, the camping out in the backyard, and all the little things they did with their family that probably cost no money at all. Enjoy life, cherish your little one, even the pregnancy part. You were given that little miracle for a reason.”

I sniffled once and blinked quickly, taking the bags she handed out to me to set at my feet so I could pay her. She told me my total, and I frowned. It was a lot less than I’d calculated in my head while I was shopping.

“You sure you rang everything up, ma’am?” I asked, reaching for my bags.

“I’m sure,” she said with a smile. “I took a little off for the baby quilt,” she added. I started shaking my head. She’d already given me some price breaks; I didn’t want to rob the poor woman. Before I could open my mouth, she started talking again.

“Besides, I made that blanket some thirty years ago, so I think I can sell it for as much as I like,” she answered with a smirk. “I’m just happy it is going to be loved by a little one again after all these years.”

“You don’t have to take anything off. I’d be glad to pay the full price for the quilt… it is worth every penny,” I said softly.

She looked at me over the top of her bifocals. “Consider it a baby shower gift,” she said with a smile.

I would have argued more, but I could tell by the set of her jaw that she wasn’t going to take no for an answer. Two stubborn Missouri women buttin’ heads wasn’t something likely to end well. Plus, I imagined her being able to give away that blanket was somehow as much of a blessing to her as it was to me. I handed over my credit card with a nod.

“Thank you for…
everything
,” I said with my bags in hand.

“Anytime, dear. Anytime.”

I left the shop with a smile on my face and the perfect quilt for the baby. All the other things I bought there were just an added bonus. From the shop, I went to the printers to pick up my new business cards and brochures. And from there, I ran a few other errands before I had gathered up enough courage to drive to my main destination—to tell Hunter about the baby. I was nervous as all get out as I drove when my cell phone rang, scaring the bejesus out of me.

“Beth, you nearly made me wet myself,” I accused in the place of my usual greeting.

“What are you doing?” she asked after she finished laughing at me.

“Driving. But I was in the middle of some intense focusing when you called.”

“Uh-huh. And what exactly are you trying to focus on?” she asked.

“Oh, you know, the usual. The words I’m going to use when I tell Hunter he’s going to be a daddy. The different ways he could react. The different ways I could react to him reactin’.” I groaned. It did sound a little crazy when I actually said it out loud.

“Uh-huh,” Beth replied. “And you’re sure you want to do this alone? I could be there in a hurry… for moral support,” she offered.

I smiled. Beth was the best best-friend a girl could ask for. “No. I think I need to do this alone,” I said.

“Okay, if you’re sure.”

“I am,” I said. “But thank you for the offer.”

“No problem. That’s what I’m here for,” Beth said. “By the way, the reason for my call. Matt said that Hunter will be at lunch about the time you get there. He said he usually goes to a small, local place near the office called
Hot Diggity Dogs
on Fridays, so he should be there.”

Hot Diggity Dogs, huh?
I thought. Guess it was as good of a place as any other to find out you were having a baby.

“What does Matt think I’m doing in St. Louis?” I asked.

Beth cleared her throat. “Only the truth… you have some errands to run and then wanted to drop in and surprise Hunter.”

I felt a twinge of guilt. Now I had Beth keeping things from her new husband. The sooner I told Hunter, the better. “Thanks, Beth,” I said into my phone.

“No problem. Call me after,” she commanded.

“Will do. Tell Matt I said hi and thanks.”

“I will. Now, go get ‘em, momma tiger!”

I smiled after disconnecting. Momma tiger, indeed.

I grabbed the small gift bag out of the passenger seat of my car along with my small purse. Standing outside of my car for several minutes, I willed my feet to move forward and take me into the restaurant. If Matt was right, Hunter would just be sitting down to lunch and he’d be there for a good forty or so minutes, giving him plenty of time to process everything I had to tell him. At least, I hoped so. I just couldn’t make myself move. There was this horrible rock of uncertainty sitting in the pit of my stomach. Yes, he told me he loved me several weeks ago and it was before he’d known anything about the baby, but that didn’t mean he wanted to settle down with me… that he wanted a family. People said they loved each other all the time. Loving someone and being there for them didn’t always go hand in hand and Hunter, despite his declaration of love, had proven that.

I knew I had to tell him. I knew I didn’t want him hearing from gossips that I was pregnant, but I still had doubts. I was human. I was emotional. I was pregnant,
damn it
. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, gathering my nerve up for the last time. I was going to do this. No matter what, Hunter deserved to know. It would be a load off my mind no matter what happened. Even if we didn’t end up together, Hunter needed to know he had a child on the way. Well, my mind said that, but my heart felt otherwise. I knew it would kill me to see him with the baby if we weren’t together. But if it wasn’t meant to be, I was sure I would eventually find the strength to move past the hurt that would cause me… for the sake of the baby. I would have to. With a new resolve and purpose, I gripped the gift bag in my hand and made my way to the door of the little restaurant.

Hot Diggity Dogs
was a busy little place. People spoke loudly, ESPN was playing on several flat-screen televisions, and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. I stood in line behind two groups that were being seated, stretching up on my tippy toes to see if I could spot Hunter. He had no idea I was coming. Maybe I should have called him ahead of time… met him somewhere more private. So many doubts and thoughts. Finally, back in the corner of the room, sitting at the bar area, I found him. He was drinking a coke and watching the big screen up on the wall. I watched as he held up his arm and glanced at his watch to check the time. I wondered for a second if Matt had told him I was coming after all.

When his head swung toward the front entrance, just a few feet from where I stood, partially hidden by the last group in front of me, I was sure he was expecting me. I started to raise my hand in greeting, to draw his gaze to me, when he smiled widely and stood up. He wasn’t looking at me. I turned, somewhat in a daze, and watched as a bombshell-gorgeous blonde passed by. My stomach fell just a little, just enough to make me feel queasy. Just enough for prickles of awareness to dance across my scalp. I watched as she strode across the restaurant toward Hunter. She slipped easily into his embrace, leaning up to kiss him on the cheek like she’d done it many times before. When she whispered something into his ear, he laughed, the carefree sound reaching me easily across the rambunctious room of people. He sat down and motioned for the bartender to bring the woman a drink. Her body leaned into his, and it caused the knife in my chest to twist in even deeper.

“Ma’am? Ma’am?” I pulled my tear-filled gaze away from the scene at the bar. “You ready to be seated? Is it just you?” The hostess stood there with a menu in her hand.

I took a step back. “It’s just me, but I don’t need a seat,” I mumbled as I hurried out of the restaurant.

The drive home from St. Louis wasn’t a long one, but if felt to me like it took ages. When I finally pulled up in front of the house, I was tired and hungry. Two things a pregnant woman should never be at the same time. I put my packages on my bed and changed into soft pajama bottoms and a T-shirt. Putting the baby quilt in a drawer, I took the rest of my purchases downstairs with me.

Besides the beautiful, old basket I’d purchased, I had also found several hand-embroidered table linens, a beautiful glass cake stand with a glass lid, some new baking dishes, and another vintage apron to add to my ever-growing collection that hung on an eclectic set of antique knobs on my kitchen wall. Instead of hanging the apron up on the wall with the others, though, I tied it around my waist and got to work. Nothing could get my mind off my troubles quite like baking. I preheated the oven, cranked up the sound on my iPod dock, and started pulling ingredients out of the cabinets. One peach cobbler, four dozen cookies, and three batches of jumbo muffins later, I sat down to call Beth.

“Well, you took your sweet time to call. I hope this means you guys had a good, long talk,” she started out. I blew out a breath and rubbed the white flour splotch on my hand until it was gone.

“Jen?” she asked after a moment. “What happened?”

“I didn’t tell him, Beth,” I said softly.

“What do you mean? I thought you were going to,” she said gently.

“I was. At least, I wanted to. But then….” The picture of Hunter with the blonde at the restaurant flashed in my memory, and I cringed.

“Then, what?” Beth asked.

“Then I saw him with someone,” I said softly.

Beth hissed in a breath through her teeth. “You mean….”

I nodded and closed my eyes. “Yeah. A woman.”

“Oh, hun, that doesn’t mean anything. He told you he loved you a few weeks ago. A guy like Hunter doesn’t get over something that quickly.”

“You didn’t see him,” I accused. “You didn’t see the way they acted together.” I blew out a breath. Beth waited on the line.

“He looked happy, Beth,” I said. “They looked like they belonged together. Both beautiful, successful people living in the city. No strings. No huge commitments. No baby to hold them back… not like me.”

As I said it, I knew it was what had been on my mind the whole time since leaving the restaurant. It was what hurt the most. Not that he had moved on so quickly after I told him I didn’t want him around, even though I guess I hadn’t expected him to get over me
quite
that quickly. No, that wasn’t what had slapped me in the face and stung so bad.

What it all boiled down to was the fact that Hunter was free. Free to do anything. Go anywhere. Be with anyone. He had no strings holding him down… not like me. I’d said it to Beth. I kind of felt trapped. I was already in love with the baby and I wouldn’t trade being pregnant right then for anything in the world, but I still had that small, dark thought that it wasn’t something I’d have chosen to happen to me. Yet, I had no choice but to accept it and own it. I knew those feeling were natural, but it didn’t make me feel even the slightest bit better when I had them. I just didn’t want Hunter to have them too. I didn’t want to be the one to attach those strings. He’d grow to resent me for it. Worse, he might grow to resent the baby for it, and I never wanted that to happen.

“That isn’t fair, Jen. It isn’t fair to you or to the baby. You should still tell him.”

I knew she would say that. But I had already made up my mind. “I’ve already decided that I’m not going to tell him,” I said.

“Jen….”

“And I don’t want the Wrights, including Matt, to know the truth either,” I told her.

“I don’t know, Jen… I mean, do you realize what this will mean for you?”

I swallowed. I already thought that through as well, about the time the second batch of muffins were baking. “I know, Beth,” I answered. “I’ll be completely and utterly alone. Pregnant in a small town with no one even knowing who knocked me up. People will gossip either way, but they would have gossiped just a little less loudly if they knew I was pregnant with a Wright baby.”

“Hunter would do the right thing by you, Jen.”

I clenched my jaw. “Hunter would do what is expected of him, and that doesn’t mean it is right by me,” I said a little more harshly than I intended.

“I didn’t mean…”

“I know, Beth. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at ya.”

“It’s okay, Jen, I just hate it that you’re hurting,” Beth said.

“I don’t think that can be helped right now,” I answered softly. “But it will get better in time, don’t you think?”

“I’m sure it will,” she said immediately. “And I’ll be here to help you in any way I can, you know that.”

I smiled. I did indeed know that. One person I’d always be able to count on was Beth. “Thanks, Beth.”

“What are best friends for?” she asked softly.

“Well, one thing you can be good for is coming over here tomorrow to see all the new stuff I bought,” I said quickly.

“Ohh, I can’t wait. I do love seeing your antique store finds.”

“Well, I do find some great stuff,” I said with a chuckle. “Plus, I kind of, umm, have a lot of stuff to send home with you,” I added. There was a pause on the other end of the phone.

“Oh, Jen. You baked all afternoon, didn’t you?”

I tried not to sound too miffed. “Well, I did want to try out a new muffin recipe,” I countered.

“What else did you make?” she asked. I could hear the smile in her voice.

“Just a cobbler… and a few dozen cookies… and a couple batches of muffins,” I admitted. Beth was giggling on the other end.

“Hey, well, at least you’re productive when you’re upset,” she said with a laugh.

“You’re just happy you get to reap the benefits,” I accused.

“Dang right!”

I was laughing now. Beth was no stranger to my emotionally charged baking.

“Beth….” She stopped laughing and waited. “I don’t want anyone to know that Hunter is the baby’s father. And I mean, like,
ever
.” Silence.

“Beth?”

“Okay, Jen. I’ll keep it a secret for you, but I’m letting you know now I don’t like it,” she answered. “This is gonna come back to bite you in the hiney; you mark my words.”

I grinned at her use of the word “hiney”. She was trying to watch her language. “Thank you, Jen,” I said sincerely. “I knew I could count on you.”

“Yeah, well, don’t think for a second that I don’t expect a lot of those muffins and cookies to be coming home with me tomorrow,” she said.

“Done,” I answered quickly.

“And you know, Elizabeth is an
awfully
nice name if you happen to have a girl…”

I laughed. I thanked God every day for putting Beth in my life. “Noted.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Jen,” Beth said. “And don’t worry, everything’s gonna turn out alright.”

“Okay, I’ll see ya tomorrow,” I answered before hanging up the phone. I spent the rest of the evening cleaning my kitchen and reorganizing the cabinets and drawers.

I sat on the edge of my bed a few hours later, tired, but in a good way. The gift bag I was going to give Hunter was sitting there. I opened it up and pulled out the things I’d bought to announce the pregnancy to him. A card, a DVD of
Nine Months
, a DVD of
What to Expect When You’re Expecting
, a DVD of the first show we watched on a date…
Braveheart,
a cigar, and the tiniest pair of cowboy boots I’d ever seen. I sighed, put everything back in the bag, and then shoved it under the baby quilt in my chest of drawers. When I finally made it to bed, I was exhausted. Exhausted enough to fall into a deep, carefree sleep.