Shameless (19 page)

He looked up at her, appearing stunned. “What are you talking about? You’re leaving?”

She lowered herself to the bed beside him, careful to keep a respectable distance between them.

“You need to be a father to your child.”

He reached for her hand, but she pulled back, just out of reach. “If this baby is mine, I will be in their life, but that doesn’t mean you and I can’t...”

She held up her hand to halt his words. “Yes, it does. I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”

“Why the hell not? I know you still love me, Sierra. Why won’t you give us another chance?”

Her love and hatred for this man continued to rage an all-consuming war inside her. Couldn’t he see what he was doing to her? Was he selfish enough to ask her to play step-mommy to a child that would be a constant reminder of everything she’d had and lost? “I couldn’t watch you raise a child with another woman. That may be wrong. It may be selfish of me, but that’s how I feel. I would end up resenting you and I don’t want things to end that way.”

He fixated on the floor. “I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to let you go again.”

She shifted closer, resting her hand on his back. “I’m glad I came back. Glad we had this time to sort things out, get some closure so we can both move on with our lives.”

He looked up, his eyes locking on hers. “You had a nice life going until I came along and turned it upside down. I’m sorry.”

She shook her head sadly. “No, I was just trying to convince myself I was happy. I wasn’t.”

He shifted closer. “What do you mean?”

“I was going through the motions, engaged to a man I didn’t love, living in an apartment that didn’t feel like home.” She looked away, ashamed to admit her failures to a man who had succeeded at almost everything he had ever attempted. He would never be able to understand her shortcomings. “The only thing I am sure about is my career. I’ve poured my heart into the foundation and it’s helped me to fill a void in my life. I feel like I’m making a difference, helping those people in some small way.”

He took her hand in his. “I’m so proud of you.”

She wanted to tell him that his praise still meant everything to her. “Thanks.”

He rubbed his thumb against the back of her hand. “You mentioned Eric...”

She watched his thumb move up her arm, tracing lazy circles over her pulse point. “I ended things with him.”

His hand stilled. “Why?”

“He found out what happened last night.” She sighed. “Obviously, he was furious. He said some hurtful things that made me realize he wasn’t the man I thought he was.”

He looked her in the eyes, his gaze falling to her lips. “Is that the only reason?”

“No.”

She allowed her focus to shift to his lips for a nanosecond, but that’s all the invitation he needed. He leaned in closer, close enough to entice her with his familiar scent, and she was lost. Lost in the memories of the life they once shared, lost in the memory of the pleasure only he could promise. She knew it was wrong. They could never be together; he needed to be a father to his child and she needed to move on, learn how to give her heart and body to another man, but she decided to ignore the practical and focus on the possible. It had been so long, too long, since she had felt the exquisite pleasure of being joined with another person, feeling his hands all over her body, focused only on bringing her pleasure. She wrapped her arms around his neck and drew him closer, parting her lips in invitation.

He groaned, his hands spanning her waist as his mouth settled on hers. It was tentative at first, as he let her set the pace.

She was beyond the point of no return, beyond the point where logic dictated her actions. She was too deep in the sensations, his hands slipping inside her robe, searing her skin. His hot, slick tongue probed her mouth, demanding more.

“Trey,” she whispered, bracing her hands on his shoulders so she could climb onto his lap. She felt the rough brush of denim against her sensitive, swollen flesh and she ached with the desire to give in to the climax that was building deep inside. “I need you.”

He slid the robe off her shoulders, kissing and licking the exposed skin. “I need you too, baby.” He fisted his hands in her hair, pulling her head back so he had access to the sweet spot at the base of her throat. He licked and sucked the sensitive skin, swirling his tongue over her skin until she was grinding into him, begging for release.

He flipped her over, pinning her on the bed beneath him. “No, we’re gonna take this nice and slow. I’ve been waiting five long years for this, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna rush it.” He leaned up, pulling his shirt over his head and tossing it to the floor.

She wrapped her legs around him while reaching for his belt buckle.

“Let me,” he said, standing.

She watched him make quick work of undressing and
marveled
at how little his body had changed in the last five years. Same powerful thighs, wide chest with a dusting of dark hair, broad shoulders, honed biceps, and washboard stomach. Her mouth watered just looking at him.

She began to panic. How would she ever be able to give herself to another man? This image of Trey would be burned in her memory every time she tried to be intimate with another lover. She forced herself to take a deep breath; she wasn’t going to ruin this by dwelling on tomorrow. She would find a way to forget, to move on, but today, she was going to enjoy living in the moment.

“Dammit,” he whispered, climbing on top of her. “I don’t have protection.” He stared hungrily at her naked breasts. “I didn’t expect this to happen.”

Now would be the time to tell him the truth. The odds of her having any more children were slim to none. She’d found out shortly after Callie died, but he was gone and she knew their marriage was coming to an end, so she didn’t feel the need to tell him about her diagnosis. “It’s okay,” she whispered.

He stroked her breast, drawing her taut nipple between his fingertips. “You’re on the pill?”

She closed her eyes, partially because she was enjoying the sensation and partially because she couldn’t look him in the eye and lie to him. This was a one-time deal; he would never have to know the truth. “It’s not the right time.”

“Open your eyes and look at me, Sierra.” He waited until she acquiesced. “I have been with other women, but I swear to you I’ve been careful. I don’t know how this thing with Megan happened, I...”

She placed her fingertips over his mouth. “Sssh.” She didn’t want to be reminded about the woman who was carrying the baby she would never be able to give him. “It’s okay. I trust you, Trey.” She realized it was true. She did trust him, in spite of everything that had happened.

He smiled and leaned down to kiss her. He kissed her gently. “I love you. I’ve always loved you.”

Her heart soared and then plummeted. He may love her. She may love him, but that wasn’t going to be enough for them to build a future on. “Don’t,” she said, turning away so he couldn’t see the tear sliding down her cheek. “This isn’t about the past or the future. I just want to enjoy this moment with you.”

He grinned. “Oh, I intend to make sure you enjoy it, sweetheart.” He pinned her hands above her head with one hand and slid down her body, releasing her only when he reached his destination.

He parted her gently, tasting tentatively, until her hair trigger response prompted him to seek more.

She watched him making love to her with his mouth, giving her the kind of pleasure only he could give. Every time she was close to the edge, her heart racing, her pulse pounding, her body burning with the need for release, he would pull back, kissing the inside of her thighs tenderly until she cried out in protest. “Please, Trey,” she begged. “I need you to make me come.”

With a few quick flicks of his tongue, he sent over the edge.

She saw dark flashes behind her eyes, the intensity of the orgasm rocking her to the core. Just when she thought she couldn’t stand anymore, he started working her again and, impossibly, she felt another climax building. She pushed against his shoulders, trying to pull away. “No, Trey. I can’t. It’s too much.”

“I’m just getting started, baby,” he whispered. “I have five years of lost time to make up for.”

She raised her arms above her head and decided to stop fighting him. The fear, the sadness, the disappointment, was lost somewhere in the periphery of her mind as long as she gave herself over to the pleasure.

After another shattering orgasm, he finally relented, easing his way up her body, stopping only to kiss, caress, and taste her slick skin along the way. He stopped long enough to look her in the eyes before slowly easing into her. “Ahh.” He threw his head back, eyes closed, teeth clenched.

“You are so tight.” He opened his eyes to look at her. “So hot.” He took her mouth, matching the stroke of his tongue as he withdrew. “So wet.”

She moaned in his ear, helpless to contain the mounting pleasure. She buried her face in his neck, tasting the salty sheen dampening his skin as he stroked her. She could feel his tenuous hold on control as the muscles in his biceps tightened while she scraped her nails down his back.

He kissed her, dipping inside her mouth, then plunging deeply with his tongue until she was reaching up, grinding into him, seeking her release. She was wild, desperate with a need that felt like it was clawing her from the inside out.

“That’s it, baby,” he whispered. “Let go, I’m right there with you.”

His reassurance took her over the edge, and he went with her, pumping into her with a deep, guttural moan. She felt him watching her as she thrashed her head from side to side, whimpering, then crying out as another orgasm claimed her.

He waited until their orgasms subsided before pulling out and drawing her into his arms.

“Definitely worth waiting for,” he whispered, shifting her body until she was leaning against his chest.

She smiled. “I have to agree.”

“Any regrets?”

She couldn’t see his face, but she knew him well enough to read his thoughts. He was feeling insecure, uncertain about their future. She wanted to put his mind at ease, but knew she couldn’t make false promises. He deserved to hear the truth. She turned toward him, resting her palm against the dark stubble roughening his cheek. “I love you. I probably always will...”

He rolled over on his back, covering his eyes with his forearm. “I don’t think I want to hear this.”

She propped herself up on an elbow. “Trey, I don’t want to hurt you, but you know as well as I do that this isn’t going to work.”

He rubbed his eyes. “Why?”

She sighed. There were so many reasons: their history, his drinking problem, his obsession with his career, her foundation, his travel schedule, the baby he was having with another woman, the baby they would never be able to have together.

“Nothing has changed, Trey. You’re still devoted to a career that keeps you on the road most of the year. You’re still trying to beat your battle with the bottle, and to top it off, you’re about to become someone’s Daddy. Your life is about to change in ways you can’t even imagine. The last thing you need is a relationship to add to the stress in your life.”

He turned toward her, brushing the hair off her face. “Having you in my life makes me happy. It makes me feel as though I can handle anything.” He traced her bottom lip with his thumb. “Please don’t leave me, Sierra. I need you.”

He was breaking her heart. She wanted to be there for him, but she had to protect herself. “I’m sorry, Trey.” She looked up at him, afraid to ask the question, but knowing she had to put an innocent baby’s needs before her own. “Are you going to marry Megan?”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

She stroked his forearm. “Don’t you think that would be in the best interest of your baby?”

He fell against the pillow and closed his eyes. “I can’t believe this. We just made love and you’re suggesting I marry another woman?”

Maybe if Trey married another woman, she would finally be able to get on with her life, though just the thought of it made her feel physically ill. “This may be your one and only chance to raise a child, Trey. Do you really want to risk screwing that up by being a part-time presence in the child’s life, someone who sends them expensive presents on birthdays and holidays, but is never really there for them?”

He shook his head. “You know that’s not the kind of dad I want to be, Sierra.” They had talked about it countless times over the years. He wanted to be the kind of father his father had been. The one who took him fishing, threw the football with him, taught him the difference between right and wrong.