Stolen Innocence (20 page)
Authors: Erin Merryn
Erin
I know I messed up as a teenager, but God has given me another chance in life and I am making the best of it. I live my life in the best way I know how. I wished what happened never happened and that I could erase it all, but now I accept what I did and I am going to keep on looking to the future and keeping the past as a reminder of my mistakes in life. I don't know what else you want me to say, but that is all I will say.
Brian
It didn't say much, but just the fact that he responded surprises me. I am now working on what I will respond back with.
Erin
MAY, 2003 8:00 P.M.For the past month Brian and I have been dialoging. Immediately after the first letter I sent, I went to see Mrs. Ardell the next morning. I was out of breath and she knew something was up. I told her over and over, “I did it. I sent the letter.” She was shocked and was so impressed with me. I gave her a copy to read and headed off for first hour. I then saw Dr. Stern and she could tell by the look on my face something was up. I started off by saying, “I wrote a letter to Brian like you asked, but not only did I do that, I sent it.” She couldn't believe it. I then sat there in her office reading it to her. She complimented me on my writing skills and asked me if I thought he would respond. I told her I never expected a response, but received one.
Now I am preparing for the upcoming wedding. My uncle is finally getting married for the first time. The wedding is taking place in Wisconsin. I don't think anything will be different. I still see him the same way, only I confronted him for the first time since I broke my silence. My cousin Sarah who just came back into our lives will be coming also. She is my Uncle John's daughter. He didn't know about her until she was eight-years-old. They never formed a relationship and she just came back into our lives again. She is unsure of her father and mainly wants a relationship with some of her cousins. My uncle John has been taking her out to try starting a relationship, but so far it is pretty rocky start.
Right after the wedding is our last week of school. We have finals and then it is summer. I can't wait to be a senior in high school! I'm almost out of the house and on my own!
Erin
MAY, 2003, 6:00 P.M.Brian,
Now that we have broken this barrier I have so many unanswered questions, thoughts, it is like my mind is spinning. I've been hurting for so long I just don't know what to say. I guess the least you can do is start by explaining to me why you did what you did. I guess what I find myself wondering is if you were abused and that made you act out on your own abuse as a teen. Brian, you may be able to look to the future, but I am struggling to make sense of everything that happened when I was a child. Trying to make sense of all the flashbacks that occur and nightmares that keep me up at night. You say you wish you could erase it, but the truth is we can't. Brian, I am finally opening up and talking about all the abuse that I held in for so long. A part of healing myself is confronting you and having to hear what you have to say. I am sick of living life with a bunch of secrets. The abuse was a secret and the entire family acts all secretive about what happened. Brian, no matter what, you will somehow have to be a part of my life because you are family and we will always come in contact some way or another. I don't want to live the rest of my life having so much anger and hate towards you like I do now. I am sick of living life in fear and pain. I take each day one step at a time. This week I took one huge step in e-mailing you. My email was a very angry one and it is how I feel. Someday down the road I want to be able to send you a letter where I no longer feel the anger and hate that I feel now, but instead be able to let the past go and forgive you. It isn't going to be easy either. I want there to be a day when I don't walk past you in Wisconsin or at a family party without getting the chills and feeling sick. Instead being able to say “Hi” and maybe even have a conversation. But I can't do this on my own and, now that I have contacted you, you have to be able to work with me. Starting off by answering my questions. Right now I am in a very angry stage of life because of your actions. I hope you can help me better understand why you did what you did, and if you were abused, and what you have been thinking over the years about all of this. Brian, have you ever gotten yourself some help? You see, that is my biggest problem. For me being able to forgive you, I have to know that you have been restored and gotten the help you needed. In some ways I think you're afraid to go into what happened in the past. You can admit to it, but the question is, can you get the help you never got? I always wondered when the day would come that I would contact you. You probably wonder what made me contact you. Well, I had another flashback of the past on Wednesday night and, Brian, I don't know if you know exactly what a flashback is like for me. But to give you an example, it is like being put back in a room with you putting your hands all over me. I can feel it all over again. So I am constantly feeling violated like it is happening all over again when these flashbacks occur. So I finally decided it was time to vent my anger towards you and let you know how much pain you caused me. So now I ask you to start to tell me what you think, and have been thinking all this time since I have opened up so much about the past to you. This is a starting point for me and I hope you don't back away now, because then nothing will ever come of this and I will continue to feel anger and hate. I look at it this way: I stayed silent for so long for you while you continued to abuse me. The least you can do is explain yourself to me and answer my questions. I will not judge you and, like I said before, this is staying between us because it isn't anybody else's business. I just feel you were holding back from saying a lot to me because you are afraid I will get angry. Well, you have to understand, I do have a lot of anger, but that is just one of my ways of venting. So say what is on your mind. I'm listening! I am giving you this opportunity to explain yourself and ask for forgiveness. You can pass it up or keep in contact. The choice is yours!
Erin
Erin,
I asked for your forgiveness a long time ago, but I can see it wasn't accepted and with rightful cause. I got help a long time ago if you didn't know and I am living life the best way I know how. I never meant to hurt you the way I did and I don't know why I did what I did but I am honestly sorry for it. I also know I have destroyed our family and that kills me every day, too. I don't know what more you want to know but honestly that is how I feel. I am truly sorry for any pain and suffering I have caused you and our entire family.
Brian
Brian,
I do have to say I was shocked to even hear any response from you to begin with. I really didn't think I would hear back from you. You have to understand this isn't going to be easy for me. For five years I have held in all the memories of the abuse. It was just this past year that everything came pouring out and I have begun to work through it all. I am taking each day one step at a time and it is going to be a long process for me to work through. I am going through a lot of different stages and feelings in my life trying to work through this all. As you can tell by my first letter, I am in a very angry stage right now and that is just part of me working through it all. I hear what you have to say, Brian. You are saying you're sorry. I hear that. But right now I have just begun to open the doors and start working through what happened when I was a child. I can also understand your mother's pain. She has suffered a lot over the years, too. I would hate to be in her shoes to hear that her son did this and not know what to do. I am taking baby steps to work through this. Right now I still know you as the person you were back when the abuse was going on and you had all the control because that was the last I ever had contact with you. I would love to jump right to it and tell you I forgive you, but it isn't that easy. I am working through it all and I came to a point in my life where I needed to contact you, which was a HUGE step for me. My healing process will continue and sometime down the road I will get to the finish line and be able to come face to face with you and say I forgive you and let go of the past. I'm just starting to walk down this painful road in life and I would love to jump right to the finish line and forgot all the crap in between, but it just isn't possible. It may be a year or two starting point and I've let you know how I feel. Hopefully you can look forward to the day when I can forgive. I will look forward to that day, too. The day when I no longer live with so much anger and hate that I'm feeling towards you. The day I know that you really are a changed person and no longer that monster I've known you as all these years. At least you know that I am taking the steps to get there. It is going to be difficult to see you after knowing I have contacted you about all of this. The least I can ask you to do now is pray. Pray for my soul to heal, pray for the day when I am no longer angry and hate you, pray for the day when I can FORGIVE YOU!
Erin
Erin,
Trust me, I was more shocked to get an email from you than you getting a response from me. Besides that, I hope and pray every day that one day you can forgive me and I know that it will take time, but I wish you the best when walking down that road and I hope that it will lead you to your well-being in life and forgiveness of my sins. Brian
Well, Brian, a week ago I never imagined I would be contacting you. In fact my plans were to never have contact with you again. Started seeing a therapist a couple months ago trying to work through all these years of pain I've held in and never discussed. The problem I have had in therapy is getting into the abuse and talking about the details and working through it. I have come to the conclusion that I am afraid. I am afraid because it is like I have been a prisoner in my own body for so long because I still feel the control you had. When I would try talking about it, the fear and control would come over me and I would close up and numb myself. So in the past few months I began to realize if I am ever going to move on and heal myself the first step I have to take is to confront you. The problem was I've been scared to death to send a letter to you. I have stacks of letters that I have written to you that I just never sent, but it was my way of venting. I've realized neither my parents, sisters, friends, therapist, nor even myself could break this chain of fear and control that has been hanging over me for so long. It had to be you. I realized I am getting nowhere. It has to be you to take that control and fear you had on me for so long and let me know it's all right, let me know you no longer can hurt me the way you did before let me know I can begin to heal my soul and work through everything. Then I can break out of this prison I have been in and work through it all and get to the finish line. It took me five years to realize it has to be you to free me since it was you who locked me up so many years ago. Because you are the one I'm afraid of and you are the only one who can take away that fear. So let me know that I can stop being afraid of you and tell me you no longer are in control. I need to hear it from you. Brian, I know how you feel about being shocked when I sent that e-mail to you. I sat in school the whole next day and couldn't focus because a million thoughts were running through my head. After all it wasn't a pretty e-mail, but I think I couldn't have explained it any better to get my point across. You see, not only do I mourn for what happened, I mourn for the relationship I lost with your family. Think about it, Brian, we grew up doing everything together and the years before the abuse happened were some of the best. So I feel the sense of loss too. I know I have taken a huge weight off your shoulders that probably follows you every day by letting you know I am giving you a chance. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel when this is all through. I want you to be held accountable for your actions. I want you to quit living in denial and accept what you did. The extremely ill feelings I have towards you seem impossible to get rid of. I just need to be able to break free of this prison that I have been living inside of that was caused by your actions.
Erin
Erin,
If venting all your anger towards me in your letters is the best way to help your therapeutic process, then do it. I am here to listen to what you have to say. I don't know how you want me to release you from this prison, but I assure you that I have changed for the better in life and will always be the most humane person I can be. Are you looking for evidence of me being a changed person and then you will be released? Because if that is it, then all I will do is try to convince you that I have changed my life.
Brian
Brian,
I can't begin to tell you how weird this all is for me right now. To be honest I feel like I am in a daze or a dream and haven't woken up yet. This just all doesn't feel real to me that I'm actually talking to you and letting you know all the pain and anger I have and you are actually responding back. What is going to be even harder is when it comes time for me to see you face to face at the next family holiday or up in Wisconsin or in the neighborhood. I've gotten so used to knowing you will be there and I've been used to acting as if we are complete strangers. The next time I see you and times after it will be so much different. I can't put on that stranger act because we are now communicating each other. No one else in the family will see the difference, because they don't know that we are talking, but for me it will be difficult because there is no longer this wall that I used to have between us.
This road I am going down in my life right now came to a complete stop and I couldn't move on. It was like there was a wall I would run right into and couldn't move forward. That wall has been there for five years and I haven't been able to get over it until this week. This week that wall came crashing down and now I am ready to begin to heal and start walking down this road. Now that I have overcome this HUGE accomplishment of contacting you I am taking you as a passenger down this road and you are coming with me ever step of the way. I was a passenger down your road for two years before I escaped. Well, I am the one locking the doors today and taking control of the wheel as I take you down this painful journey with me to healing. You are going to feel every single bump in the road we hit the same way I do. You are going to travel through the storms with me and when we finally get to the end of this road, if you haven't already bailed on me and convinced me that you are a changed person, I will turn the engine off, step out into the sunshine, take in some fresh air, and forgive you of your sins. So fasten your seat belt because I am the one who has the control now and we have a LONG journey ahead of us.
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