Stolen Innocence (15 page)

I just try numbing out so much pain. Pain I am too afraid to face. Tears stream down my cheeks. Life just isn't the same. I often wonder what my point in life is. Really, what is my purpose in life?

I talked to Miss P. today about the holidays. I told her how much it bothers me that my grandparents have supported Brian so much through his high school years. I love my grandparents, but have so much anger at how they pretend our family is perfect and Brian did no wrong. It makes me wonder what other families deal with in situations like mine. I'm a sixteen year old who just wants to move on with my life. Brian took so much from me already. I don't understand why the past continues to affect me. He already robbed me of my childhood. I can't let him rob me of my teenage years. I just don't know what I have to do to let go of all the pain. Pain I keep trying to bury, but feel it trying to come out. I try talking to my friends, but they don't understand what I've been through. They try to act supportive, but I get the sense that they just don't know what to say. The truth is they don't. They have never experienced the abuse I've been through to understand. I guess that is why I am feeling so alone in my life. I feel like I must come up with the answers within myself. I have to do some digging and search my soul to heal it. The problem is I'm too afraid to search. Instead I want to push it away hoping it will one day not be there. It is the hope that keeps me going every day.

I'm seventeen years old now. I celebrated my birthday this past weekend. For my birthday I took my friend Sarah skiing in Wisconsin. It was her first time skiing so she was new to it. We took a bunch of pictures and had a blast. We skied almost all day and then went out to dinner for pizza where I opened my presents. I didn't have pizza instead I had shrimp. One thing I received was a bunch of scratch-off lottery tickets. While scratching them to see if I won, I heard dad making negative comments, telling me how lottery tickets are nothing but a waste of money. I had a total of seven to scratch. On the first two I won nothing. On the third one I won two dollars. The fourth one was the one I was waiting for. I scratched it and got three like amounts to win forty dollars. I looked at dad and asked him if it still wasn't worth it. All he could tell me is I got lucky. When I was all done I had a total of forty-four dollars. I ended up winning another two dollars on my last ticket. So I was pretty excited. When we got back to the house Sarah and I didn't stay up long. We were both exhausted from skiing and fell asleep immediately. We came home early Sunday because Sarah had to be somewhere. I am going right now to go get my pictures developed from the weekend. I'll write more another time.

It's been four years this week since the last terrible night Brian nearly raped me. It still feels like it was just yesterday. There are so many details of that terrible night that I can't erase. Remembering Brian holding me down and me unable to free myself. Having his hands all over my body. I must end this here before I become too emotional. It's too painful!

I began to write a poem today in Biology class. I was really supposed to be watching a video, but it was too boring. I just finished the poem tonight.

I just had the best spring break ever. My entire family went skiing in Colorado. We rented a condo that we stayed at. We drove fifteen hours to get there, but it was a fun drive. We spent three days skiing. It was my first time ever skiing on real mountains. Caitlin snowboarded the entire time and she wasn't too bad for a first timer. She started off skiing, but after rolling down the mountain head first, she was finished. My muscles in my body were so sore the first night after skiing. That a simple walk across the room was painful. We spent a lot of time in the hot tub. We had nice weather the entire time we were there. Being on the chair lifts was incredible. I've never felt so close to God before. You can see everything from the chair lifts. The mountains go on and on. I could even see another ski resort miles and miles away. Surrounding me were the green pine trees and the powder blue sky and the sun warming my face. I already look forward to next year when we go skiing again. The rest of my relatives went to Florida. They planned it out and rented a big million-dollar house on the ocean where they spent a week. Not a single person in the family invited my family. This is the second year they have gone without inviting us. We wouldn't go even if they did invite us, but they didn't even offer. I'd never consider being stuck in a house for a week with that family on a vacation. To me it sounds more like a nightmare. I don't let it eat away at me, though I wouldn't want to be around half that family to begin with. The family members I respect are the ones I have a relationship with. They are the ones that didn't take sides when everything came out about the abuse. I really look up to my Aunt Jenny. She is my favorite aunt and minded her own business when everything went downhill in the family, which is the reason I go over to her house so much and baby-sit for her. Anyway I could write a novel about how rude my relatives are, but it isn't worth my time. I have school in the morning and must get some sleep.

I just got home from babysitting for my Aunt Jenny tonight. She is due with her second baby in October. She is also moving next month. She needs more room with a new baby on the way. I am about to overcome my biggest fear next month. Allie and I are flying out to Texas to spend time with my aunt and uncle and cousins. I have been terrified to fly since I was young. I still can't believe I am going to do it. We are leaving the week after school gets out and spending a week and a half there. My aunt tells me she has a lot of fun stuff planned for us when we come. I can hear a plane flying over my house right now. I am putting it in God's hands. He'll keep me safe!

Yesterday I went to my Aunt Jenny's house for my cousin's birthday. Everyone in the family was there including Brian. Brian brought his girlfriend with him. I kept my distance from him and stayed in a completely different room from him the entire day. When he looked at me I made sure to give him no eye contact. I won't give him the time of day. He left early, thank God; I don't know how much more I could handle being in the same house with him. It's about a week until I leave for Texas. I have never been so nervous.

Tomorrow is the day I've been dreading for a long time. I leave for the airport at six in the morning. I can't fall asleep because I'm so nervous. I'm not afraid of crashing as much as I am hitting turbulence. It does bother me knowing we aren't on gravity. I am going to keep this short since I need some sleep. I just finished watching a horror movie with Allie and Kathleen. We were all screaming in Allie's room. I'll write more tomorrow.

After an hour delay on the runway because of a bad Storm, we finally took off. I was squeezing Allie's hand until she had no circulation left. Allie gave me the window seat because I wanted to watch everything from the window. Now we are in the air and above the clouds. I just turned to Allie and said, “This is what I've been afraid of all these years. This is nothing.” Allie laughed and said, “What do you think I've been telling you for years?” I am going to enjoy the rest of the flight. My aunt will be waiting at the airport.

I had a wonderful trip. We did so much in the nine days we spent with my aunt. Texas is a hot state. There is no way I could live there year round. We went to water parks, the mall, walked through million dollar homes, rented movies, swam in the pool, played cards, and so much more. I got so much sun. My aunt was also watching a little puppy while we were visiting. It was so playful and cute. I didn't want to say good-bye. I'm going out tonight with my sisters and friends into town. I'm living in Wisconsin all summer. Well, got to go take a shower.

While away in Texas I got the best sleep. I am still getting good sleep, but the flashbacks haven't stopped. They come when I least expect it. As much as I love summer I hate the fact that I have to see Brian all the time in Wisconsin. He is always at the beach with his guy friends or his girlfriend. His parents bought a place this past month in Wisconsin. They are down the street from us. So both of my houses are within walking distance of Brian's house. I feel no matter which way I turn I can't escape my past. I often find myself wondering if it will haunt me the rest of my life. I don't think I can live like that. Well the Fourth of July is tomorrow. We will be going to the Abby in Fontana like we do every year, but that doesn't stop me from seeing Brian. All my relatives will be there like every other year. Thankfully we don't sit with them. I look forward to the Fourth of July every year. The twenty minutes of fireworks in the sky over the water are so beautiful. I like the really big ones that remind me of willow trees. When we come home from the Abby, we do our own fireworks on the street in front of the house, which is exciting. Anyway, I'm going to go swimming at the beach with my cousin. I'll write more tomorrow night after the fireworks.

What a night it has been. We drove in the back of my neighbor's truck the whole way to the Abby. It was fun because we had to lie down so no police would see us. On the way home it was even worse because police were everywhere checking to make sure people weren't driving drunk. Every two seconds my dad and neighbor would say “Cops!” We would all lie down in the back giggling. At the Abby we ran into some boys who graduated with Brian from my high school. They realized who my mom was because she worked at the high school, so they put it together that Brian was our cousin. One of the boys turned to Allie and me and asked us if we knew what our cousin Brian was going to be doing tonight. Allie and I both said, “No” and we didn't care to know. The boy went on to say that Brian was sleeping over at the Abby with his girlfriend and was going to be having sex with her. Right after he said that Brian came walking towards us with his girlfriend. Immediately Allie and I turned around walking the opposite direction from Brian. I felt a flashback coming on bringing me back to the day Brian abused me in the bathroom. The flashbacks are so intense I sometimes have a hard time knowing if it is really happening or not. The rest of the night went smooth and I did the best to enjoy myself. I'm going to bed now.

I went to the racetrack near my house in Wisconsin tonight. I went with my mom, Allie, and Allie's friend Kathleen. We had a blast. I ran into my grandma today. I haven't spoken to her since her birthday last month. I have hurt over the years because of her and grandpa's response to Brian's actions. I deal with a lot of anger that they have caused me. She can get on my case for saying the word “freakin,” which she feels is swearing, but yet doesn't get on Brian's case when he molests his own cousins. Real fair, grandma, wouldn't you say? If she can't be fair and is going to protect Brian I don't want to have anything to do with her or grandpa. I don't need to be hurt again. They spend so much time supporting Brian and are rarely there for my sisters and me. What really upset me is grandma and grandpa went with Brian and this family to his college orientation (to visit his college.) They have never gone with any other grandkids, only Brian. Like Brian is special or something. It drives me crazy. The worst part is they came home wearing sweatshirts they bought with his college name on it. They wear the sweatshirts all the time. Walking around like proud grandparents. Gosh, I would be really proud knowing I have a sexual perpetrator grandson, too. Always protecting the underdog. I'm going to write my grandma another letter tomorrow. Anyway, if I talk about this anymore it is just going to make it harder to fall asleep. Good night!