Stolen Innocence (11 page)

I went and saw the movie “Sixth Sense” last night. It was a great movie. I had group tonight. We started off like we usually do telling about our highs and lows of the week then we played a game called two truths and a lie. You tell two things that are true about you and one lie. Everyone goes around and guesses the lie. It was a fun game. Going to group is the one time I actually feel connected. I am with people who care about me and understand what I've been through. When group was over Cathy talked to my mom outside. Cathy was telling my mom that the girls in the group really look up to me as a leader. Which was nice to hear.

School is about to start. Allie and Emily will be with me this year at the same school. I hope I have friends in classes this year. I babysat my Aunt Jenny's new baby Abby this week. She was born at the end of April. She is a cute baby. I can't wait until the twins are born next month. Next week I am going out with a bunch of friends and going shopping for make up. Kassie and Stephanie are my two best friends. I brought them up to Wisconsin this month for a weekend and we had so much fun together. At night we got a little scared because the alarm clock kept going off. They both know the house is haunted so we were all terrified.

We went into town and walked around. My mom was looking at dresses while Stephanie, Kassie and I did our own shopping. Then we pretended that Kassie was deaf and she was walking around doing sign language, but she really wasn't signing anything that made sense. People were looking at us like we were crazy. We were having fun so it didn't matter what people thought. I am talking to Cathy next week. I think I need to open up with her more. I don't know what is holding me back from expressing myself. Well, Allie is sleeping in the same room as me and wants me to end this entry. So good-bye for now.

I got my schedule for school and have no classes with any of my friends, which really had me upset. It is Saturday night and I am in Wisconsin. I went to this house on the water today with Allie and her friend. The house had a water trampoline and the owner let us jump on it. We were jumping off it and into the water. We then played king of the trampoline and tried pushing each other off into the water. It was so much fun. We also went tubing this weekend. All together it was a pretty good weekend right before school is to start. Good night!

The school year has started and I already hate it. I did find out I have a lot of classes with my friend Chris who I went to elementary school with. He is in six of my classes. So we have been talking a lot. Caitlin is baking cupcakes for football players right now. She is a senior in high school this year. My group at the Advocacy Center ended and Allie and Mom are now in a group. They have a group for girls Allie's age and a parents' support group. I think my mom needed that. Caitlin has been trying to get me to open up to her, but I just don't know how to talk about my feelings. It is like I have this wall up that is preventing me from talking about it. Everything is just too hard to go into detail about. I still remember the night before my mom ever found out about the abuse. She was clueless on what was going on behind closed doors. And then I remembered the day she did find out. It looked like the life in her was sucked out. I try every day to push myself to get over it. I just don't know where to turn.

I don't pay attention in school anymore. I am not happy. All I hear are my screams in my nightmares, or the cries of the pain I've been through. My soul is a cold dark place. In a sense I feel dead inside. Too afraid to show my tears so I always look the other way. Since my silence has been broken and I am no longer carrying this secret alone, I still feel so alone and lost in the world. I feel I lost my voice at the same time Brian stole my innocence, robbed me of my childhood, and took my trust. I still am in search of my voice. Still hearing Brian's voice echoing through my head. Telling me over and over that it is our secret and no one will believe me if I tell. It is hearing these words over and over again that has me so afraid to talk about my past. The details are too painful bringing back horrible memories. Memories I can never erase.

Things haven't been good. I spent Thanksgiving at our house with my cousins from Michigan, which was fun, especially since we weren't with the family. Brian went down state for the high school football team and it was on TV. I saw him on TV cheering with his team after a touchdown. It hurts so bad to see myself suffering because of what he did as he goes on with his life. I am working on how to deal with the flashbacks and nightmares. I play music at night to put me to sleep, but it doesn't always work. The holidays are the hardest because a lot of the abuse happened during the holidays. This year I am looking forward to the holidays for once because we are spending it differently than years past.

Thanksgiving was spent with my mom's sister and kids. For Christmas Eve we are going over to my mom's friend's house that has two boys. So the holidays will be much better then years past. Anyway I have school tomorrow so I must get some sleep.

I wrote grandma a letter a couple weeks ago expressing my feelings about how she has handled the situation with Brian. I told her how I felt she was favoring Brian and told her to stop being in denial. I told her how much it hurts me to see the family treat us the way they have, looking at my family as if we did something wrong. I told her to learn the truth before making assumptions. I got a call this morning and it was grandma asking me to go to lunch with her. I knew immediately why, and told her I would go. On the way to lunch grandma finally brought up the letter. She told me she doesn't feel she favors anyone and says she is staying out of it. She feels it is none of her business and treats all her grandkids equally. I felt very uncomfortable and told grandma that is the impression I've been getting.

She apologized and told me that if that is what I interpreted then she is sorry. She never meant to make it look that way. The conversation was short and at lunch we talked about other things. I just realized that my grandparents and my relatives are in denial and can't accept the fact that a sexual perpetrator is in the family. Someday they will learn the truth.

A flashback is starting to occur. It is all too difficult to handle. His eyes stare at me and I am flashing back to a time in January when he abused me. I am stuck in this memory and can't escape. I lay in the dark in his bedroom as he hurts me. I am screaming inside, but no one hears my silent screams. I am begging him to stop. The flashback eventually ends and I am rocking back and forth on my bed. I pull myself under the covers and cry myself to sleep.

I had a wonderful Christmas for the first time in years. Spending it with my mom's friend was the best thing for me. We exchanged presents with each other, had dinner together, played cards and even went next door and sang Christmas songs to the neighbors. It was a great night. When we got home we opened presents like usual and stayed up late. Grandpa and Grandma came the next day to see what we got. Christmas day mom made a turkey dinner and we stayed home and had our eighty-four-year-old neighbor over as well. We had some relatives show up Christmas day who brought my sisters and me presents. My sisters and I got the feeling they missed us because we are not there for the holidays. I wish I could be there because they're relatives I enjoy seeing, but having Brian there makes it very difficult for me. Brian never even apologized for his actions. Someday maybe he will.

Things have been a bit hectic around here. There is a surprise birthday party for my grandpa because he is turning seventy. We had no plans to attend because we don't go to family parties. Well the family really wants us there. The extended family members and friends of my grandparents would wonder why we weren't there and how can you explain that to other relatives that don't know about Brian? My Uncle Bill and Uncle John took my dad out to a bar tonight and they talked about the situation with Brian and the surprise party. They asked what would need to be done to have us at the party. My dad told them that Brian never apologized for his actions. They talked for a total of five hours. Now my Uncle Bill wants to talk to my mom about it. So they are going out tomorrow for lunch. I wonder what will happen.

—Tori Amos

My heart is racing right now. Tonight Brian is going to apologize. Here is what happened. My mom went out yesterday with my Uncle Bill for lunch. At lunch Bill questioned my mom about what needs to be done so we would go to the surprise party on Sunday. Mom told him the girls want a meaningful apology. They talked at lunch for a long time. I didn't think much of it. I spent New Year's Eve last night with a bunch of friends at Melissa's house and spent the night there. I came home this morning on New Years Day and about ten minutes after I got home the phone rang. My dad answered and I overheard him say “Five-thirty tonight at your house.” Then he hung up and went upstairs and told my mom we are meeting over at Bill's house where Brian wants to apologize tonight. Mom told Allie and me and asked us if we are okay with that. I told mom I was nervous and she said that was normal. So now it is the waiting game until tonight. I am so scared and don't know what is going to happen. I haven't spoken to Brian in over a year and a half. I will write tonight about what happens.

What a night for the first day of the New Year. On the way over to my Uncle Bill's my stomach was in knots. Bill lives right next door to Brian. So my aunt, uncle and Brian all came over to Bill's. Walking in the door I could see Brian's reflection in the window. We all met in the kitchen and Bill asked us all to go downstairs. We all took a seat on a couch or chair in the room. I sat across the room from Brian. It was really uncomfortable for me. Bill asked who wanted to start. Lifting his head Brian looked at Allie and me and said he was sorry for what he did. He said if he could take it back he would. Mom said a few things and then Bill asked Allie and me if there was anything we wanted to say. Allie didn't want to say anything and I just said I hope you learned your lesson and will never hurt anyone the way you've hurt me. Mom spoke a little to Aunt Mary and you could sense the tension between them. The meeting was short and ended with us talking about Grandpa's surprise party tomorrow. Brian, my aunt, and uncle all left soon after. We waited for Uncle Bill who was going out to dinner with us. At dinner Bill asked my parents, Allie and me how we felt about the meeting. My mom said she thought it went well and we all agreed with her. I am just glad it is over and done with. I hope I can move on with my life now and not be affected by the past. It is very late and I need sleep.

Grandpa's surprise party was fun. It was held at this big banquet place. Grandpa was told it was a celebration for Brian and his football team. Which doesn't surprise me that they used Brian. After all he is the favored grandson. When we pulled up, a sign outside the place read “Congratulations football players”. When grandpa walked in everyone shouted surprise and he was very shocked. We ate dinner and a bunch of people got up and talked about grandpa. Although Brian has apologized, things still feel the same. I hope things will get better. I just hope the apology was sincere and not just for show so we would go to the surprise party. I have a feeling family members convinced Brian to apologize so we would come. That is the reason I didn't tell him I forgive him last night. Unless I truly know he is sorry, he will not hear that from me. My birthday is coming up soon, I will be fifteen. I am having a party with a bunch of friends over. I am inviting Kelly who was in group with me at the Children's Advocacy Center. Mom won't be at my party. She will be leaving for Michigan to visit her sisters. Dad is going to be hiding out in his bedroom leaving us alone. It should be a fun night. Anyway I am getting tired. I'll write more another time.