Stolen Innocence (27 page)

I know I will never get all the answers to the past. I know I will still face hard times ahead. The memories will always be there and there will be times I will need to step back and take a deep breath. I am prepared for any setbacks in life and know that I can overcome anything. I am not going to let anyone or anything stop me from accomplishing my goals. I've already accomplished things some people won't accomplish in there lifetime. No matter what I do with my life, I will always be proud.

I look to the future now and wonder what lies ahead. I plan to go to college and get my master's in social work, so I can help a child that I once was. I look forward to when I am a mom and can look into my baby's innocent eyes and shower him or her with love. Being a mom will be the greatest job ever.

Tonight Chance and I went for a walk and I could not believe how many stars were in the sky. It was a clear night and the stars were bright, reminding me of summer nights in Wisconsin lying under the stars near a crackling campfire and listening to the crickets in the woods. For once I feel the happiness and peace I never thought I'd see again.

My innocence can't be replaced, and the parts of my childhood can't be relived. I hold on to my innocence and childhood that were memorable and knew no harm, and I am slowly learning to trust again. I love sitting at home on rainy days and watching old home videos of my family and me when we were young. Bringing back the childhood I love to remember. The childhood when I knew no harm.

One thing I haven't lost is my spirit and the courage to heal. Looking into my soul, I used to always see a dark place and I always felt so alone. I never thought I'd see this day. When I look into my soul tonight it is no longer a dark lonely place. It is now a place where I find myself smiling and happy. I finally found the light at the end of the tunnel. I am proud of the person I have become. I've learned that giving up is not an option. I couldn't have seen to the future without the supportive people in my life that never gave up on me. The loving support from both my parents who have helped me along the way. My mom who has had her own trauma as a child and has used her past to help me overcome mine. My father who is one of the hardest working men I know. Going through this life changing experience has brought my Dad and I closer. It has strengthened our relationship. Mrs. Ardell who has given me hope, support, and strength. She has been more then just a school psychologist to me, she has been a friend. Someone I will stay in touch with forever. My therapist who helped me find my inner strength and courage to move on with my life and make healthy choices.

I focus on the future of becoming an advocate for abused children and getting tougher laws on sex offenders. For once I am listening to my inner child and going to do my best to protect other children from having my experience happen to them. I hope to take my story with me to schools and speak out to parents, teachers, and children. If I were given the option to relive my life, I wouldn't take it. I finally understand why I experienced the abuse I endured as a child. God had a plan for me all along. Even though I doubted him in times of my life, He stuck by my side. God knew I would become a stronger person and use my experience to help others. He was right and giving back to others makes me feel proud. There are people in my life that I would never have met had I not been through the experience I faced as a child. I would have never done the Chicago marathon nor would I be a volunteer for the Children's Advocacy Center. I also wouldn't have the passion to help others and spread my word of courage, giving others the faith and wisdom to move on with their life. Sharing my diary has let me open the doors to my soul and share with you my journey to healing and forgiveness. All it took was one night for my entire life to be changed. The permanent scar Brian has left on my life will never go away and I feel by spreading my word about sexual abuse and incest I might just save someone else from experiencing my same pain. My goal in life is to give back and help others, which I've already started. Much of my growing up years have been spent dealing with my childhood. I'm now reaching out and inspiring others. I want to be there for other survivors of abuse. I want them to know that things do get better in time. I know what it feels like when you want to shut the world off and not see tomorrow, but I've learned giving up only makes you weaker. It is ok to ask for help. The biggest mistake I've learned in life is living as a victim. Being a victim gets you nowhere in life. It only makes you weaker.

When someone takes your trust like Brian did to me, it is very difficult to ever give someone your full trust again. I will always have trouble trusting others that come into my life because of my experience as a child, but I won't let it destroy me. After being abused you learn a whole new way of trusting people. It takes much longer and is a lot harder. With April being National Child Abuse Prevention Month it is a month to reach out and prevent child abuse. I plan to spend one day in April every year as a day in silence to reflect on my childhood and honor the lives of millions of other survivors. No matter what, in my eyes Brian will always be a perpetrator and I will have questions for the rest of my life that I may never get answers to. Some may wonder how I was able to forgive Brian who took so much from me. By forgiving Brian it makes me the bigger person. Brian is the only one that knows if he can accept my forgiveness or not, for he is the one who truly knows if he is a changed man. I can't erase what he did, but I can move on. Brian is the one who must live with the guilt and shame for his actions. I leave it in God's hands to guide Brian in the right direction and protect any child that comes into his life. Yes, it will always bother me when he becomes a Dad someday. I can only pray for the best.

If I were to give advice to anyone who has been in my place it would be not to give up. Instead look into your soul where you will find the strength to survive. It comes from within. Don't be a victim of abuse, but instead be a survivor. I finally stopped running from my past and instead turned around and worked through it. No, it wasn't easy, but I did it and because of that I am going to go far in life and be successful. You can't run from your past. It will always catch up to you. It's better to face it head on then to have it come up from behind. It takes some soul searching, but everyone has the strength within them to move on. My name is Erin Merryn and I am a survivor. Tomorrow is a new day and I look to the bright future that lies ahead.

I hope parents that read my diary will sit down and talk to their children about abuse. Explain to them what is a good touch and what is a bad touch. Don't let your children live with what I must live the rest of my life with. Being sexually abused is a life sentence of memories that can never be erased.

The Elizabeth Smart case was a rare case that got national attention. It was so rare because sexual perpetrators usually don't break in your house and take your children. They are people you know, love, trust with your kids, and sometimes, like in my case, they are family. Don't let your children become victims.

The days of playing with Barbie dolls, chasing the ice cream truck down the street, having lemonade stands, running round in the sprinkler, and playing at the park are of my innocence. I will hold on to them and treasure that part of my childhood.

Tonight as I look up at the stars I pray for all the innocent children in the world. Wherever you are, may God be with you and protect you. Good night and God Bless!

 

It's been six months since my book was published. I have received letters from around the country from people touched and moved by my diary. Even more important are the people that have come to me and told me that they are talking to their children. My message is spreading and that is exactly what I wanted to do. I may not have been able to save my own childhood, but the thought of saving another child is what keeps me going.

I contacted the detective who handled our case about a month after my book was published. I spoke with him for about an hour on the phone, and he filled me in on some of my many unanswered questions. I asked the detective how he got Brian to admit. He began by interrogating Brian for three hours. He then gained Brian's trust by telling him that what he did was normal. Eventually Brian started sharing details and, after awhile, the detective had heard enough to tell Brian what he did was illegal.

The detective said that in all his years of work he has never had so many concerned relatives call him about the case. My uncle, who is a cop in our area, tried to use his power to get my cousin off on charges. It made me sick. Brian's mother tried saying my mom brainwashed Allie and I with stories of abuse from her childhood. I couldn't believe so many family members wanted to protect Brian; it made me sick. In the end, Brian received 180 days supervision and short-term counseling which consisted of three visits to a counselor. I guess that is what shocks me. Brian walked away with 180 days supervision and my sister and I are left with a life sentence of memories that can never be erased.

Soon after my book was published, newspapers began to contact me.
The Chicago Tribune
published a story on my book. Soon after, my local paper wrote an article that landed in the homes of many of my relatives. Now Brian's parents won't even look at me or my parents. They are very angry with me and show it. I have other relatives that refuse to speak with me as well. I do not hate my relatives; they just can't handle what happened so they'd rather be upset with me. I've needed to step away from the family and find healthier relationships where I am wanted and accepted. For years I looked for belonging; now I realize I don't belong there and I can do better for myself.

Many wonder what was Brian's reaction when my book was published. I sent him an e-mail informing him of the book and that my intentions are not to get back at him, but to help others. His response surprised me once again.

Are these the words of a man who held me down and locked me in rooms as a child? Is this the man who threatened me if I told? I feel there is a higher power working through Brian to help him make better choices in life and hold him accountable for his actions. Although I would never trust Brian with a child, I do trust God will watch over Brian and lead him in the right direction in life. If I were to run into Brian today on the streets, I would say hello and go on my way. I am moving on with my life.

I'm now away at college getting my degree in social work. Moving out of my hometown and living in a dorm has been the best thing for me. It has given me a fresh start on life and a new journey. For the first time ever, I'm able to focus in class and be successful. On October 14th, 2004 I will be standing up on stage on my college football field giving a speech to thousands about being a survivor of sexual abuse. For the event, “Take Back the Night,” survivors of sexual violence will march through the campus all the way into town.

It will be a very moving experience for me. A year ago at this time I was in a hospital wanting to end my life. A year later I am standing on a stage in front of thousands using the voice that was silenced for so long and speaking out. I am a
Survivor!

Life is a journey through many terrain
From gardens of pleasure to deserts of pain.
From an ocean of love to a jungle of hate
From mountains of glory to canyons of fate.
There's a highway for joy and a highway for sorrow
A road for today and a road for tomorrow.
So choose your path wisely and walk with care
If you follow your heart you'll find your way there.
I've been to the garden and planted seeds there
I've been to the desert and felt the despair
I swam in the ocean and drank of its wine
I've done all these things since you were mine.
I climbed up the mountain to touch the sky
I went to the canyon and started to cry.
I've traveled both highways, both today and tomorrow
I've basked in the joy and wallowed in sorrow.
My path has been chosen and I walk it with care
I've followed my heart and I'm on my way there.
So I'll just keep on walking till I find what I'm after
To mountains and oceans and gardens of laughter.

—Author Unknown