Stolen Innocence (19 page)
Authors: Erin Merryn
Brian,
This letter is probably coming as a complete surprise to you, but I didn't feel I should warn you since you never warned me when you were going to use my body for your own damn pleasures. When I look at you I see nothing but scum. I don't know how you live with yourself after the crime you committed over and over again.
You're probably wondering why I haven't forgiven you since you did say you were sorry. Well maybe if you meant it, I could try forgiving you, but soon after the night you apologized, I learned from a friend that you had assaulted her while she was under the influence of alcohol. The sad thing is it wasn't the last time I heard you had done this to a girl. Last year while at school I learned yet again that you tried raping a girl at a party. Hearing this just makes me sick and I soon realized that when you apologized you didn't mean it. You were asked to apologize by someone in the family that I respect just so we would go to Grandpa's 70th surprise party.
Brian let me turn the tables and put you in my place. Do you know what an effect your actions have had on my life? You have left a permanent scar on my life that can never be erased. It has been years, but I still wake up at night with nightmares running from you. I still have flashbacks of you lying on top of me or slipping your hands down my pants. It seemed any time I tried to escape you, somehow or another I would fall back in your trap. The memories are all so fresh as if it happened yesterday. You even had the nerve to do it to me on your bed while your brothers played Nintendo. How sick can you get? You made my holidays a living hell not knowing if I was going to be able to escape the sick thoughts running through your mind. I'll never forget being at Uncle John and Aunt Debbie's for Christmas Eve and you locked me upstairs with only a night light on. You just sat there by the door staring at me. My heart was racing a hundred miles an hour terrified at what you might do. Looking out the window I began to pray to God you would leave me alone. A twelve-year-old should be opening presents and singing Christmas songs, not praying to God that her cousin wouldn't lay a hand on her. I think that was the only time you were ever interrupted when you had me trapped. That Christmas God heard my prayers when John knocked at the door and interrupted whatever you were about to do. That didn't stop you, though. You just had to get your hands on me. Sure enough later that evening you did. How evil can you be?
Brian, I stayed silent for so long giving you so much control over my body. Having you brainwash me for two years into thinking no one would believe me. Do you know how many memories I have stored in my head of being somewhere with your hands all over me? I can still remember the first time it happened as you slept next to me in Grandpa and Grandma's condo. I woke to your sweaty hand down my pants fondling my crotch. Waking up to that I remember pulling your sweaty hand out and looking over at you with your eyes wide open and then you pretend to be asleep. I may have been young, but I am no dummy. You were fully aware of your actions. Brian, how about the time in the crawl space in your basement under the blankets as David was upstairs counting for “hide and go seek?” You laid on top of me slipping your hands up and down me and then putting your mouth on mine and breathing your air into my mouth. Brian, I don't forget something like this. This is something that will stay with me the rest of my life. I can remember every detail as if it happened yesterday. I will never forget the horror of going in your parents' walk-in closet and sitting down not knowing you were in there and you sat there quiet as possible and then made your move by wrapping your legs around mine, you began to fondle me and all you could say is “Shh stay quiet,” as your brother and my sister were looking for us. I can still hear the sound of your breathing and it makes me want to VOMIT! This is just a small portion of the memories I have stored in my memory bank of falling in your sick trap.
What really pisses me off, Brian, is I listened to you and stayed silent not telling anyone about what you were doing to me, and behind my back you began doing it to Allie too. HOW DARE YOU! I get angry just thinking about it. How fucking dirty can you get? I remember being so terrified when I would see you come home while I baby-sat your brothers knowing what you had in mind. Did you ever think once about the hell you were putting me through?
Do you know what it has been like for me to walk down the halls in school as a freshman and see you? It was like living the nightmare all over again. What is even worse is to attend a football game and hear your name being shouted by Mr. Berns after you ran a touchdown. Every game I went to I prayed you would lose. I'll never forget at the pep rally last year when Mr. Berns stood you up in front of everyone and called you a hero to our school. OH, SOME HERO, BRIAN! LETS JUST STAND UP AND CHEER YOU ON! Oh, how I wished I had stood up in front of everyone and told the crowd what a fucking asshole you are. I don't think if you looked up “hero” in the dictionary you would find “cousin who sticks his hands up and down his younger cousins' pants.” How about when that guest speaker came to our school right before prom to talk about drugs, drinking, and sexual assault? Towards the end of the assembly the man asked the student council president, class president, and football captain all to come on the gym floor and look around and see everyone standing who had been a victim of drugs, drinking, or a sexual assault. The last I heard you were Football Captain, so why weren't you out on that gym floor looking at everyone standing up? Maybe because you knew Erin and Allie and maybe even someone else would be standing up in that crowd because of your actions. Was someone feeling a little GUILTY?!
Lets talk about the holidays. Do you actually think I enjoy being there? Well, of course I do when you aren't around, otherwise I would rather change smelly diapers or clean toilets then spend a holiday with you. Thanksgiving you are supposed to be thankful. When we bow our heads at Thanksgiving with you sitting across from me, all I can be thankful for is when we leave and I don't have to be in the same house, let alone the same dinner table, with you. After all you abused me in Grandma and Grandpa's garage on Thanksgiving one year. Great way to celebrate! As you probably have already seen, at holidays I can't stand being in the same room as you. I always have to get up and leave because I can only think sick thoughts when I see you. You are a symbol to me that represents pain, anger, fear, control, evil, and power. I still feel the pain, anger, and evil towards you, but I am no longer afraid and I am the one with all the power now. In fact at Easter this year when I was given the opportunity to hit that piñata, I took all my anger from over the years I've had towards you and put it all into that piñata. As you could tell I was determined to beat the shit out of it! I would have been really happy if I missed the piñata and actually took you out. Maybe next Easter! You go about life like it is great and for you it probably is. You never had to suffer like I have over the years. You took away my innocence, my childhood, and my ability to trust others.
What really pisses me off is the fact that your mother fought with the State Attorney because she didn't want you to have a record because then you wouldn't be able to play football. Well, she did a damn good job of fighting it and you didn't get punished at all for the hell you put my family and me through. Well, you may feel you got off easy and you're right, you did. But I just look at it this way, if you think you are going to meet your maker someday, I would think again! I go to church. I know where creeps like you go after they die. Then you can truly experience suffering and understand what I have been dealing with all these years. I do a lot of praying. I don't pray for you, but I pray for the innocent children you might father someday and hope they don't fall victim to your sick fucked up mind! I look at the word “hate” as a really strong word. You're the only person in my life that I will always hate. I never want to see another person fall victim at your hands. Maybe someday you will be able to get restored and get help before you find yourself behind bars.
I've been running for years fearing you when the abuse was going on and now in my dreams I do the same. I no longer run and hide from you though. Instead I turn around and get in your fucking face letting you know I am not afraid of you like I was in years past. Just when I am about to turn around, I beat the shit out of you. I've thrown you off cliffs, tied you to trees, fed you to the bears, and tied you in a large black garbage bag and watched you suffocate. Oh, I almost forgot; I've cut off that dick of yours, too.
We were a close family that did everything together before I told our secret. Your actions took it all away and you will always be to blame. You are at fault for making all the holidays uncomfortable and the entire family will never look at you the same. The family may stay in denial forever and never want to learn the truth, but, Brian, you and I both know the truth, the truth that follows you every day. Yes, you may have taken my innocence, but you have not taken my strength and courage and, to be quiet honest, I would hate to live the rest of my life with your past. I didn't hurt anyone like you hurt me. Your past will hang over your head the rest of your life. I am going to share a poem with you I wrote a year ago about how I feel towards you.
Lost Innocence
I once loved you
and trusted you too
until one fateful day
you took it all away.
the touch of your hands
was only one of a mans'
your weight was too strong
you know what you did was wrong.
I wake up in the night
to your awful sight.
I sometimes look to the sky
and wonder why?
I've asked God plenty of times
why you committed these crimes.
I remember watching the clock
as you pulled off your sock.
Taking me under a sheet
Feeling your sweaty feet.
I wanted to run and hide
as you looked on in pride.
you pushed me on to carpeted floors
behind closed doors
not knowing what to say
as you begin to play.
you put your hands all over my chest
Wanting me to sit back and rest
as you slid your hands down me
I struggle to be free
wishing I could spit in your face
as my heart continues to race.
you tell me not to tell
just as I am about to yell.
my body goes numb
looking at you evil scum.
the night is over, but it didn't end there
of course you didn't care.
this went on for years
which brings tears.
In the morning sunrise
I dry the tears from my eyes
Someday I'll get my way.
Just watch
YOU'LL PAY!
and trusted you too
until one fateful day
you took it all away.
the touch of your hands
was only one of a mans'
your weight was too strong
you know what you did was wrong.
I wake up in the night
to your awful sight.
I sometimes look to the sky
and wonder why?
I've asked God plenty of times
why you committed these crimes.
I remember watching the clock
as you pulled off your sock.
Taking me under a sheet
Feeling your sweaty feet.
I wanted to run and hide
as you looked on in pride.
you pushed me on to carpeted floors
behind closed doors
not knowing what to say
as you begin to play.
you put your hands all over my chest
Wanting me to sit back and rest
as you slid your hands down me
I struggle to be free
wishing I could spit in your face
as my heart continues to race.
you tell me not to tell
just as I am about to yell.
my body goes numb
looking at you evil scum.
the night is over, but it didn't end there
of course you didn't care.
this went on for years
which brings tears.
In the morning sunrise
I dry the tears from my eyes
Someday I'll get my way.
Just watch
YOU'LL PAY!
The last line says it best. Someday I will get my way. You will PAY. I don't know when, but when you do I will throw a party and celebrate. The nice thing for me is I made it through the abuse and survived and I no longer have to worry. What sucks for you is yours is still coming and you don't know when!
The time it took you to read this letter would be considered seconds compared to the time you spent forcing you're hands all over me. My only advice to you is to find a church and start praying because from my viewpoint the way you're headed is straight to hell. I'll be curious as to how they treat men who are screwed up like you in hell. Maybe chop you up and throw you in a fire and watch you burn. After all, that is why they call it burning in hell!
As you can see, Brian, I have a lot of anger built up and I have every right to say what is on my mind. You can't even imagine the hell you have put me through. Words can't describe it. I am not looking for an apology because right now in my life I won't be able to except it. I want to someday be able to forgive you, but you would have to be able to show me you got the help you never got before and when that time has come you will know. Then maybe you will be able to come to me on your own when the time is right and apologize, but right now in my life I am not ready to forgive you. I only know you as the cousin I once trusted, loved, and cared for who took away my trust, childhood, and most of all innocence. I know you for who you were back when you had control over me and used your power to abuse my body. What you did can't be erased. Even if I were to ever forgive you, it is something that has left a permanent scar on my life forever, a very painful mark.
You don't know how difficult it was for me to finally put all my feelings together from over the years and write you. I did this all on my own and no one, not even my parents, knows I have contacted you. I hope you can answer so many of my unanswered questions such as what made you do this to me? Why Brian, did you hurt me like this? Did you ever feel guilty when you did this? It seems as though the abuse got worse as time went on. Why did you lie and say none of it happened after I broke my silence and you were confronted? You actually were going to try and say you did none of that. Did someone abuse you that made you do this to me? Do you still have the urge to do this to other girls? Over the past years have you ever once laid in bed wonder what you put Allie and me through? Did you ever try writing an apology letter? I might even be wrong and you still have had sick fantasies over the years of me. Brian, the least you could do after all you have put me through is explain to me all these unanswered questions. Like I said, I am not looking for an apology because I am not at a point in my life where I can forgive you. I am not even close to forgiving you as you can probably already tell by the anger I have in this letter. I have all the rights in the world to be angry and maybe the truth is, I will never be able to forgive you.
I would appreciate a response to my novel e-mail that has been weighing on my heart for such a long time! I am only looking for the truth, Brian! Nothing but the truth!
Ex-cousin
Erin
MAY, 2003 7:00 P.M.I can't believe it. I never would have imagined Brian responding to my letter. I opened my mail this morning to see his name in my inbox of e-mails. I was too afraid to open it and my adrenaline was running wild. When I got home Caitlin was there. She came home for the night from Wisconsin. I was so glad to see her. She asked me to go out to get something to eat with her. While at dinner I let her read my letter to Brian. She went on to say she would never expect him to respond. I looked to her and said, “He did.” She was shocked. I told her that I hadn't read it yet. She immediately insisted that we go home and read it together. We quickly finished dinner and headed for home. As we both sat at the computer, I finally opened the e-mail. This is what it said.
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