Stolen Innocence (23 page)

I didn't have to work today so I took the wave runner out on the lake. I had so much fun. I went as fast as I could make it go. I feel so free while riding it. I can go on it for hours. I love hitting the big waves. When Allie and I were younger, Caitlin would spin the wave runner in circles until we flew into the water. It is loads of fun! Allie has been busy spending time with her best friend Jennie all summer. The two of them together are pretty interesting. I am falling asleep writing this. Good Night!

Today was the annual picnic down at the beach. I didn't see Brian until I walked out to the end of the pier and saw him at the raft. His girlfriend was on the pier with her friends and she began talking to me. She asked me how high school has been and I talked to her about college. When it was time to eat, we had a table right by Brian and all his friends. I did my best to keep myself together, but it wasn't easy. Brian was there a long time. After he ate he went back swimming with all his friends and somehow cut his foot when he was in the lake. His girlfriend wanted to stay and watch the kids' games, but Brian was already walking towards home. After they left, all my anxiety left and I started the kids games. My mom and I are in charge of all the kids' games. We break them up into different age groups. Then there are prizes for all the kids when it is done. We made it through as many as we could until a big gust of wind came through. The sky turned dark and everyone was scrambling to get their belongings and pack up before the storm came. I'm home now watching the storm from inside. I always love a good storm. My hand is cramping up from writing. I will write more another time.

Something totally unexpected happened this evening while walking Chance. I was walking him along the highway near my house in Wisconsin. We were walking near the cornfields when a blue truck came by and honked. It was going by so fast I didn't get time to see who it was. When I got further down the street, I could see the truck in my grandparents' driveway. When I made it to the driveway I noticed a guy with his back to me in the back of the pick up truck. I thought it was one of my uncles so decided to walk up the driveway and find out. Suddenly the man turned around and it was Brian. It was too late to turn around and no one else was around. I looked past him and saw Grandpa in the garage and shouted to him. “Hi Grandpa!” Brian was with Mike also. Mike came walking up and began talking to me. My heart was pounding and I didn't know what to say. So I turned to Brian and said, “What are you guys doing?” He responded by saying they were dropping some furniture off and borrowed a family friend's truck. Mike began talking to me and I continued to talk to him just so I didn't have to stand there not saying anything with Brian five feet in front of me. Brian jumped from the truck and believe it or not walked closer to me and began petting Chance. At this point I thought I was dreaming. I couldn't believe he just walked up and began petting Chance. The funny part was Brian didn't know how bad Chance smelled. Although since I don't have my sense of smell it doesn't bother me at all. I've seen the reactions of people who have smelled their hand after petting him and it wasn't a pretty sight. So I let him pet Chance and figured he find out later when he put his hand near his face. After about five minutes I made my exit to leave and they all said goodbye. Walking down towards the beach I was in shock at what just took place. I had no time to think. I just wanted to get the heck away from there. Then I began to think about it some more and feel maybe it was meant to be that I ran into Brian. In the past whenever I saw Brian's car or him I would turn around, but since they were driving a truck I had never seen before and beeped at me, it grabbed my attention. I think it was God's way of making me take a step forward in life by crossing paths with Brian.

School has started and I am a senior in high school this year. My favorite class will be creative writing. My least favorite will be Algebra 2. I am retaking it again. Hopefully I will pass this year. I got A's in Geometry. Algebra just isn't for me. I do well in all my other classes. I ended last year with a B in Chemistry, which is a tough course. I'm taking Psychology this year, which should be a fun class. It will prepare me for college when I am taking similar classes for my social work degree. The nice thing about going into social work is the field is so big. You can work in schools, hospitals, non-profit organizations, nursing homes, or police departments, just about anywhere. I've spent the past three years of high school dealing with my past. I want to spend this last year and make it the best. A school year I can look back on and remember forever.

Things have not been going well at all. I made it through the summer, but just before school started I began having panic attacks. They are ten times worse then the flashbacks. My heart begins to beat fast, my hands become sweaty, my breathing feels like it is being cut off, and my body shakes. The first time it happened I went to the bathroom and threw up. Well ever since then every time I have a panic attack I run to the bathroom and throw up. It is a horrible experience. I recently told Mrs. Ardell and Dr. Stern. They are both trying to think of relaxation and breath exercises for me, but I am sick of living like this. It just isn't fair. I feel like I have no control over my life, never knowing when a panic attack or flashback will occur. I've been getting out more and taking long walks with Chance. My favorite time to take walks is when the sun is setting or the sky is full of stars. Everything around me is peaceful and quiet. I want to conquer these panic attacks and flashbacks and move on with my life. I wrote Brian recently and asked him to talk over the phone. He responded by saying he is getting settled down in college and he will contact me when he is ready. It will be the first time in five years I will speak to Brian. I told Dr. Stern about it and she feels it might help me. So now I just wait to hear back from him.

I experienced a panic attack tonight and writing eases my tension. It is so hard to breath. My heart beats so fast and my whole body shakes when I sit down. Before it happened I was at dinner with my parents. Right before we were about to leave, a panic attack started. I tried taking deep breaths to control it, but it wasn't working. My parents didn't notice anything until we got out in the parking lot as we were leaving and I turned to my mom and told her I feel like I am going to puke. She could see the look in my face and pulled me over into the grass where I began throwing up. Mom thought I was dehydrated and that is why I was throwing up. She doesn't know about the panic attacks I have. They are much worse than the flashbacks. I have absolutely no control over my body. When we got home I couldn't stop shaking and my heart was racing. I stepped outside to get some fresh air, but nothing was working. Eventually mom told me to suck on ice. I got a cup of ice and went back up into the bathroom where I was lying on the floor. I began crying as I put ice in my mouth. I ran a cold washrag under water and placed it over my face. Slowly I started to breathe easier and my breathing slowed down. I eventually climbed into bed where I am now. A panic attack makes me very tired afterwards. It feels like I have had a workout when it is over. I am exhausted and ready for bed. God, please hold me in your arms tonight. I need your comfort.

Suddenly a flash of images runs through my mind. My body feels trapped and paralyzed. Screaming to get out. I'm standing in the corner of a room watching a girl about the age of twelve. She looks a lot like me when I was twelve. I then notice tears running down her cheeks. She looks me in the eyes with a look begging for help. I notice the man sitting on her being very sexual. She lies helplessly staring at me as tears continue to fall from her face. “I'm sorry,” I tell her. “Please forgive me for not saving you.” I sit in silence as I watch myself being abused at twelve years old feeling so helpless. The room so silent only the sounds of his heavy breathing against my ear.

“Erin, snap out of it!” my friend shouts at me. “You're staring off into space and didn't even notice us leaving.” Another day stuck in my past.

It all began fifth period yesterday. I sat in class as the teacher lectured and began feeling a panic attack coming. I didn't know how to escape it. I sat silently staring at the floor. My legs start to move up and down rapidly and I can't stop them. A student gets the teacher's attention. “Something is wrong with Erin. She looks like she is going to puke,” a student says. The teacher finishes her lesson plans and comes up to talk to me. I am trapped and cannot speak. The teacher pulls a desk out into the hall to speak with me. I don't respond back. She goes looking for Mrs. Ardell. I get up and walk to the bathrooms. I enter, but stop myself. I can't continue to do this to myself. Throwing up is only going to make things worse. I walk back towards the classroom where my teacher is talking to another teacher. “Erin, she is going to walk you down to talk with your counselor.” I walk silently down the hallway to the guidance office trying to fight off the images in my head. I sit at a seat while the teacher goes looking for my counselor. My counselor comes out and tries talking to me. Once again I can't find my voice. I am trapped inside my head with images running through it. I hear my counselor and struggle to talk to her. She walks me down to the nurse. “Erin, how about you lie down until we can locate Mrs. Ardell,” my counselor said. I walked into the small, dark room and curled up in a ball on the bed. The tears streaming down my face and all I could think about doing was ending my life. For the next half hour I lay in the dark planning my own death. I decided sleeping pills was the best way out. I still had a full bottle from this summer when I stopped taking them. My plan was, after everyone went to sleep, to take out my goodbye letter from underneath my mattress. I don't like calling it a suicide letter. I was to leave it on the kitchen counter where my father would discover it in the morning. I then would go up in my room with a full glass of water and one by one swallow the bottle of sleeping pills. Like every other night I would bring Chance upstairs and have him sleep at the end of my bed for one last night. I would ask God to forgive me of my sins and turn off my light. I guessed within a few hours after turning off my light I'd be in peace in Heaven. My heart still beating fast, I try calming myself, but I'm too worked up. Suddenly I feel the hand of someone on my back. “Erin, you're ok.” I recognize the voice. “Does your mom know you are in here?” I shake my head no and realize it is Mrs. Ardell. She leaves and says she'll be right back. A couple minutes later Mrs. Ardell returns with my mom. The two of them tell me to take some deep breaths. Mom gets up and gets me a glass of water. Within a few minutes my heart stops pounding and my breathing slows down. Mrs. Ardell begins to talk to mom about how much I am struggling. My mom agrees that something more needs to be done. The two of them decide to go call Dr. Stern. They got Dr. Stern's voice mail and left a message. They felt it best if I go home, but they both felt it would be unsafe if they sent me home by myself. Mrs. Ardell had another meeting to run to, but asked me to stop down at her office during seventh hour. Mom had to get back to her post, but said she'd be back in an hour. By now the light was on and they both closed the door behind them. I tried pulling out my journal, but didn't feel like writing. I then pulled out a book I'm reading, but didn't feel up to reading either. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. Instead I sat wondering what was next step in my life to over come my past. I then began to wonder what a scene I must have made in class, in the hall, and in the guidance office. I start to think about the past five years and how much of it has been spent caught up in the abuse. I then begin to wonder how my family will be affected after I am gone. “Will they be angry with me, hate me, or will they be able to understand I couldn't go on?” I ask myself. I once heard that killing yourself is selfish. I don't want to be known as being selfish. I have been fighting this battle for too many years. I am physically and emotionally drained. The door opens and mom walks in. Mom walked me down to Mrs. Ardell's office and told me to come find her when I'm done. When I reach Mrs. Ardell's office I sit down and she listens to her voice mail. Dr. Stern had called back. Mrs. Ardell makes a call to Dr. Stern. I sit and listen as she jots down notes. About five minutes pass when their conversation ends. Mrs. Ardell begins explaining to me the plan. “It's time you get the care you need. We feel it best if we get you into the hospital.” Trying to hold back from crying again I hear Mrs. Ardell ask me what I am thinking about. “I just want to be healthy and happy. I want my life back,” I tell her. I'm so exhausted from living in this constant battle with my past. With a gentle kind voice Mrs. Ardell said, “I understand you're frustrated. I would be too. I think this is the best thing for you right now.” She then begins to write down notes that she wants me to give to mom. Dr. Stern wants mom to call my Psychiatrist, Dr. Paul and then call the behavioral health hospital when we get home. Mrs. Ardell finishes up and wishes me good luck. Just as I am walking out the door Mrs. Ardell says my name, “Erin, remember baby steps. Take this one day at a time.” Thinking about what Mrs. Ardell said I make my way downstairs to find my mom. Mom signs me out and we both leave school early. When we got home mom called my psychiatrist who made an appointment for tomorrow to see me and then told mom to call the hospital and set up a time to get an assessment. That night mom filled Dad in on what happened. I knew ending my life at this point would be like giving up. I decided to give the hospital a chance and see what it might have to offer me. The next day mom and I left school early for a forty-five minute drive to my psychiatrist's office. My psychiatrist put me on a new medication to help with the flashbacks. She then explained she would meet up with me in the hospital Monday to see how things are going. On the way out of her office we ran into Dr. Stern. She asked how I was doing and we cancelled my appointment for next Monday since I was going to be in the hospital. She wished me luck and mom and I left. My appointment with the hospital wasn't for another two hours so mom and I went out to eat. While at dinner we talked a lot about everything that was going on. After dinner we drove to the hospital. We entered the hospital and took a seat in the waiting room. After waiting an hour I was finally brought back. After the entire assessment was over mom was brought back. Because of my age I could either go in either the adolescent or adult unit. We all agreed the adult would be better for me. We also decided partial hospitalization was the best route to go. I spend the entire day in the hospital, but go home at night. They had to process everything with the insurance company and said that I would begin Tuesday instead of Monday. When we got home we packed up for the weekend. We were leaving for Wisconsin and then in the morning going to Minnesota to visit Catilin in college. I've had a long day and need to get some sleep. We have a seven-hour drive in the morning.