Stolen Innocence (26 page)

Watching your child carrying the weight of being sexually abused is a pain that is unbearable. It is a helpless feeling knowing you cannot soothe their pain or take this weight from them. You cannot ease the pain with an aspirin or treat the wound with a salve. The injury to your child is so deep and hard to reach that it deems you helpless in doing the job as a “mother”. Mother, the one who kisses your wounds and nurses you back to health. Had it not been for my Christian faith I don't think I could have managed or faced this crisis.

I too was sexually abused in my youth and know all too well the ongoing effects it has on your life. Like a nail driven into a piece of wood. The nail can be removed but the hole it creates will always remain.

When I first learned about the crime committed against my daughters, it was as if someone punched me in the gut. A wave of nausea fell upon me and I wanted to throw up the truth of it. In that moment I felt like my whole being was short-circuiting. My life was shaken and thrown off course. My mind had too many places to go all at once. It was like switching a television channel to a high drama war scene and being snatched off the comfort of my sofa with no armor or weapons. Unarmed and confused I wondered, “How did I get here. What do I do now?” My mind a stage with all the players wanting to act at once, shock, anger sadness, pain, guilt, helplessness, loathing and rage.

I found my own childhood abuse being triggered. I didn't need a textbook explanation on how this was affecting my girls. I also knew that I needed to do everything in my power to help restore them. Starting with the message that “they mattered”. No one, and I mean NO ONE, violates you and gets away with it. Regardless of how sensitive the crime is. A crime has been committed and the perpetrator would be held accountable. God entrusted Dan and me with three wonderful girls to raise, protect and love. I take the job very seriously. As a mother I feel that I have the greatest job in the world. To be able to stay home and help in the guidance and love of another human being, now that's an honor! However, when hearing of the crime committed against my girls at the hands of a trusted family member, I felt like I had failed them and failed God. I was also a little miffed at God for not protecting them. I had prayed thousands of times for my girls to be protected. I asked God to send the strongest and mightiest guardian angels to watch over them. Why had they been harmed? No sooner was the question asked when I felt His comforting love. God had never failed me and He wasn't about to leave me at this moment. The entire essence of the Bible is stories of incredible hardships and tragedy and how through God these things change into miraculous stories of power, courage, love and hope. These stories all had one thing in common.
Faith.

My relationship with God and all the years I had read the Bible allowed me to conclude one thing. I needed to have faith, and trust Him. However, I must say, the anger I felt towards Brian did not lift. I definitely related to Christ's anger in the temple. I was in for a few years of throwing tables in my soul. I knew that it would take time. Healing takes time and patience. I prayed for God to be with Erin and that she would feel His presence.

Especially when Erin shut me out, not wanting to talk with me about her pain. I felt a deep sense of helplessness and failure. I couldn't understand why she wouldn't let me help her through it. Especially since I understood her pain all too well. It wasn't until she explained to me that she needed me to hold the good things in her life, the happy moments. She didn't want to taint our relationship with all her pain. I finally understood, and had to let go, letting her get the help she needed elsewhere, in a safe place. Years ago while I was consumed in my own personal pain I realized that throughout my life during the moments that I was the saddest were the times I didn't call upon God for help. Feeling stuck, wallowing in a pity-party. Sometimes it took several days until I would finally call upon God for guidance. And His comfort and answers were always there. I finally asked God if He would do something for me. I asked if, in those moments of pain and despair, if He would send me a sign to put me in remembrance that He was there with me. I asked Him, “Lord, send me a sign in nature, something in your creation that would draw my attention away from my crisis and back to you.” Well, ask and you shall receive. I could write a short novel on how God delivered that request.

Over the years my life has been filled with “gifts of nature” in hard times. Everything from flocks of geese landing at my feet, encircling me in a parking lot, to a monarch butterfly landing on my nose amidst my tear-stained cheeks. One afternoon as I sat on the edge of our deck worrying about one thing or another, a skunk interrupted my dilemma by crawling right out from under the deck between my legs. These moments never cease to amaze me, and they always put a smile back on my face and a light in my heart.

The nature message that has had the biggest impact on my life was one morning a few years after the abuse to my daughters. I was sitting in our yard at our lake house. My anger towards Brian and the reactions of my husband's family were overwhelming me. It was consuming my life, my happiness. At that moment, in this small side yard appeared three squirrels chasing each other around the tree. Out from the pine trees hopped a small baby rabbit. Five yellow finches landed on the tree along with a cardinal and her mate. A chipmunk jumped out from the flowerbed. A morning dove cooed from the pines above and a monarch butterfly fluttered in and joined the show. My spirit lifted and I praised God for His never ending care and love for me. I thanked Him for being there and showing me all the beauty around me. As I watched the wonders of nature around me, a bee flew towards me and wouldn't leave. He buzzed around my head. I ducked and swayed, flinching at his approach. I waved my arms in the air to combat his attack. Being allergic I feared that I would get stung so I continued to dodge and duck as he swooped down at me This bee almost seemed to be attacking me. It was weird. As I combated the annoyance of the bee, I mumbled to God, “So what's this supposed to mean?” And if you have never had God speak to your heart, it is a distinct message you can't deny and it is not of your own creation. The message was,
“All it takes is one small annoying, painful thing in your life to get your eyes and attention off all the wonderful things I have given you.”

The message was loud and clear. If I keep concentrating all my energy on the thing that pains me, I will miss all the wonderful things in my life. I knew at that moment I had to let go of the anger that consumed me.

Since that day I have tried to keep my eyes open to the beautiful things in my life and one of the most beautiful is my daughter Erin. I see a wonderful young lady that has endured things that most of us can't even imagine. Someone who never gives up and pushes herself as high as she can go. She has a heart of gold. I am in awe at the gift she is to others. I love listening to her experiences as she volunteered at the home for the elderly, working with the Alzheimer's patients. She has so much tenderness and care and patience. I see this also in her volunteer work with children. Erin loves children. She helps mothers in need without wanting pay. She volunteers at the Children's Advocacy center and has even completed the Chicago marathon for this cause. She has gone door-to-door collecting money for a family whose home was burned down in a fire. She stands up for what she believes in. My favorite part of Erin is her faith, her morals and values, and belief in God. She is truly a rare gem. She is truly blessed.

I am so proud of my daughter and all that she has endured and has accomplished, especially writing this book. I know it took many hours of reliving the pain, but I also know Erin wouldn't hesitate to do that if it will help one person through their pain. I love you, Erin.

—Eleanor Roosevelt

I woke to the sun hitting my face. I stretched and got up to the start of the day. I live life with the saying my father tells me every morning. “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” After a bowl of “Life” cereal and watching Oprah, I open the morning paper to read. On the very first page I read the black bold headline, “Woman sexually assaulted in broad daylight.” Reading through the article I discover the assault happened just down the street from where I live and they still have not caught the guy. Turning the next page I read another headline, “Teacher charged with sexual abuse of fourth grade student.” It saddens me because every day I read another article in the paper about someone being abused. The worst part is a majority of the time it is someone the person trusted. Whether it be a teacher, coach, neighbor, priest, or in my case, a family member. After having someone take your trust like that, it is difficult to ever gain it back. I close the paper and wonder what tomorrow's headlines will be. I grab the leash and head out the door to take Chance on a morning walk. I walk down the path and take in the beauty around me, looking up at the clear blue sky and taking in the crystal clean air. I hear the sounds of birds singing off in the distance. Every now and then I stop to let Chance smell the grass.

As we continued down the path memories of my childhood filled my head. For so many years it was the same path I walked to the elementary school. I remember when Allie, Emily, and I would slide on the ice during winter mornings. I'll never forget the mornings we would be so cold we'd lie on the path because the sun warmed us up. We used to push our baby dolls in our strollers down the path and to the park. Some days we'd ride bikes to school and lock them up at the bike rack. I pass the pond behind my house reminding me of the days when I'd ice skate, go sledding down the hill onto the ice, fish, and take our canoe out. The same pond Chance loves to swim in. Remembering all these childhood memories brings a smile to my face. Knowing I can still hold onto the precious years that meant so much to me, I suddenly come across another place on the path that brings me back to my childhood. Except now I am passing a painful time in my childhood. It is passing my aunt and uncle's house the place where I was abused. I'm not triggered the way I used to be and I don't have a difficult time passing the house. I can still hear my innocent plea for Brian not to hurt me. I continue moving forward down the path, which for a long time was never possible. Times before, going past my aunt and uncles house was a painful reminder. It was like hitting a brick wall. I am no longer turning around and running from my past, too afraid to feel the pain it caused me. Instead I move forward with strength and determination. I come upon a bench and sit down. It is a quiet morning. I only hear the sounds of nature and a plane flying over me. I sit petting the top of Chance's head as he wags his tail. For once I am looking into my soul and seeing all my accomplishments. I've always looked for others to take away my pain when the truth is I needed to look into my soul. Without the support of others I would not be where I am today. For so many years I was running from my past and problems. I finally stopped running and looked at myself in the mirror and realized how miserable I was. I learned it has to come from within to move on with my life. I've lived with so much fear and guilt. I've come to realize I do not need fear to run my life and I have nothing to be guilty about. I've done no wrong. I've always wanted to blame myself about the abuse, but I was just an innocent kid who was being controlled and threatened with fear. My biggest problem all these years has been living as Brian's victim. Victims are weak and I knew I wasn't weak. For I've been a fighter with a lot of strength. Today I consider myself a conqueror. I will be a survivor the rest of my life. For many years I've been trying to get to the end of this journey, in my life. When I finally got to the end of the journey I realized this journey is not over, but instead just the beginning of a lifetime filled with success and determination to go out in the world and tell others my story. A story of how I turned hate into forgiveness. I never thought I'd come to terms with forgiving Brian. Forgiving has been a powerful experience. Finding it in my heart to forgive someone that has caused me the greatest pain in my life. It wasn't easy, but by forgiving Brian it has made me a stronger and bigger person inside.