Stolen Innocence (22 page)

Summer vacation finally begins. I am spending my entire summer in Wisconsin like I did last year. The wedding was last weekend. It was a beautiful day for a wedding. I saw Brian for the first time in the church. I took one look at him and looked the other way. I still get sick to my stomach every time I see him. Which brings me to another situation. I need to come up with another way to deal with the flashbacks. We were also shocked this past weekend when Brian's mom invited us to their house for Mike's graduation party. I haven't been inside their house since the last time I babysat five years ago when Brian abused me. I am nervous to go, afraid it might trigger me. With the warm weather I can't hide the scars and stopped cutting a week before the wedding. I've tried stopping before and the longest I've gone is two weeks before I relapsed. Anyway I am going to give it another try. I am still seeing Dr. Stern weekly on Mondays. I am also keeping in contact with Mrs. Ardell over the summer through e-mail.

We went to the graduation party. There were a lot of people there. It was so weird walking in their house for the first time in years. The kitchen is all remodeled. I mainly stayed outside on the patio or in the kitchen with my sisters. I was holding my baby cousin while my other cousin was calling for me from the basement. I debated whether to walk downstairs. It had been years since I had been down there to a place that reminded me of the abuse. I pushed myself and made my way downstairs. I stood at the bottom of the stairs and didn't move. David and Jake have grown up a lot since the last time I was at their house. Jake is now in fourth grade and David is in seventh. The boys along with other cousins sat on the couch playing Nintendo. It immediately reminded me of the days when I used to baby-sit and was abused while the boys sat on the floor in the same room and played Nintendo. The same couch the boys were sitting on in the basement was the same couch I buried my head in while Brian abused me. Going down the stairs was a way of facing my past, which I felt I needed to do. Soon after I went back upstairs and saw Brian coming in the house. I immediately made my way for the back porch again. I eventually decided to walk home and take in the day. The entire walk home reminded me of so many childhood memories when I would walk home from Brian's house. The entire day was a big accomplishment for me, but it wasn't easy.

My uncle John is such a jerk. He told his daughter Sarah, who is my cousin that we blew the Brian situation into something bigger then it really was. It was no big deal he told her. He went on to tell her I need to get over it, and that Brian was just a hormonal boy. My cousin Sarah, isn't siding with him. She is siding with us and believes it was more then a little something that happened. She doesn't even consider my Uncle John her father. Her mother is engaged and she feels her mother's boyfriend has been more of a father then John. I totally agree with her. Well I wrote my uncle a letter. I don't take shit from anyone in this family.

I am working at the country club in Wisconsin with both my sisters. I am a waitress with Caitlin. Allie isn't old enough so she busses tables. I make good money doing it, but I can't stand our headwaiter, Mike. Actually no one can. He is a total loser. On top of that, we have a cook that is a creep. He flirts with all the girls. You don't want to get on his bad side. Other then that I am babysitting on the weekends. I am putting all my money in the bank for college. I've also been busy at the advocacy center watching two Spanish-speaking children who know very little English. It is very hard to communicate with them, but over the past eight weeks I've realized a smile goes a long way. I take the children to the park behind the Advocacy Center. I enjoy watching the kids.

Fourth of July is next weekend. We are going to the Abby resort like we do every year. It should be fun. There is always an awesome fireworks display. Anyway I am working tonight, so I must go wash my clothes.

I don't understand Brian. He did something on the Fourth of July that totally shocked me. Like usual my family spends it with friends, while all my relatives go together. We are all at the same place, but in different locations. I was sitting on a blanket waiting for the fireworks to begin while my parents chatted away with friends. The rest of the kids were sitting on the boat in front of us. The fireworks started to go off just as Brian and his girlfriend came walking towards my location. He walked up on the grass about ten feet in front of me and sat down with his girlfriend. I was disgusted! I could not believe he had the nerve to do that. I immediately got up, walked towards mom, and told her there was no way I will be sitting here with him in front of us. I walked past Brian and his girlfriend and got on the boat. I was so angry that the one holiday I look forward to (because I don't have to spend it with Brian) and he comes and sits his ass in front of me. When the fireworks were all over I just wanted to go home while all the parents kept talking. My parents gave me the keys and Allie drove all the other kids and me home while the parents stayed to hang out. When I got home I went straight to bed. When I woke in the morning my parents were discussing how rude Brian was for having the nerve to sit down in front of us like that. I didn't go to the beach at all the next day knowing Brian was up. I baby-sat later that night for a one-year-old boy in a hotel. did the same thing the following night. The parents were going to a concert two nights in a row. Monday I had an appointment with Dr. Stern and told her how angry I was bout the Fourth of July. She couldn't understand why Brian would do that. I told her about some of my recent flashbacks and each one just makes Dr. Stern sick to know how manipulating Brian was. She checked in to see if I had been cutting and I informed her that I was staying away from it. Anyway I'm going into town with my sisters and friends for the night.

I drove back to Illinois today because I had an appointment with Dr. Stern. We had a good session and we talked about relaxation skills. After leaving her office I left for home. On the way home I passed some children in a driveway holding up a sign that read “Lemonade Stand.” It brought back happy memories of being a child and having lemonade stands in front of the house. I turned around and bought a glass of lemonade. Instead of handing them a quarter for the lemonade, I handed them a five-dollar bill. The smiles across the three children's faces as I handed them the money was worth every penny. I got back to Wisconsin just as the sun went down.

Besides seeing Dr. Stern once a week, I have also been seeing Dr. Paul, my psychiatrist. She has me on anti-depressants, sleep medication and also anxiety medicine that I take only when needed. I usually take that before going to a family party where Brian is going to be. Right now I am at the beach. It is a beautiful day. I don't think there is a cloud in the sky. I often find myself wondering what my life will be like in ten years. I hold on to my dreams of getting my master's in social work and being a mom. I wait for the day when I won't feel like I am constantly living in the past. I want to hold on to the good memories, but I often find myself caught up in the abuse that has taken so much from me. The annual picnic is this weekend at my beach. Brian will be there like every other year. I just feel I can never be myself when he is around. I feel trapped inside. I am very proud of myself for all the progress I have made since January. I have accomplished a lot. My biggest accomplishment will come in October when I do the Chicago Marathon for the Children's Advocacy Center. I have raised over seven hundred dollars by getting people to sponsor me. Getting people to sponsor me is the easy part. Doing the marathon will be the challenge. Well, I am going for a night swim at the lake with Allie.