Stolen Innocence (9 page)

I saw Judy today. I told her about Brian confessing and she was surprised. She asked how it made me feel and I told her I was relieved, but also scared. My teacher sent home a letter today and told me to give it to my mom. When I got home mom opened it and the letter was about having me talk to the district social worker. My teacher was concerned about me. Mom called her after reading it and explained that I was already getting help, but thanked her for caring.

I am getting excited for camp. Emily and I will be leaving in a week with a bunch of other students and two teachers. It is energy encounter camp that is held in Wisconsin. I am in need of these vacations. It is keeping me busy and keeping my mind off other things. I also learned this week that, when I was interviewed and couldn't understand why there was a huge mirror in the room, I was being watched through my entire interview by a detective. I am so glad I didn't know that when I went into the interview, but thinking back now during my interview I stared at the mirror most of the time thinking I was looking at myself when really I was looking at people behind the two-way mirror. Anyway I must end this here. I'm just glad it is done with.

My dad got really angry today. My dad never gets angry. He was over at my grandpa's house and my grandpa turned to my dad and began talking about Brian. Grandpa told my dad he couldn't see Brian ever doing anything to Allie or me. That is all dad needed to hear and he lost it. He told my grandpa that he had no right to say that and Allie and Erin are telling the truth. From the sounds of it my dad was very upset. He really hasn't shown his emotions around me. I don't think he wants me to see him angry and upset, which is probably the best thing for me.

I'm at camp right now in Wisconsin. I am in the cabin with Kathleen and Emily. It looks like we have a fun week ahead of us. I feel bad for Allie. She wanted to come. We have to cook our own food every day over a campfire. I'm going to take lots of pictures. It should be an interesting experience. I'll write more when I get home.

Mom and Dad along with my sisters picked me up at the school after coming back from camp. We decided to go to McDonalds for breakfast. I could tell the whole ride home something wasn't right. It was almost like something happened while I was away. Mom seemed upset and everyone else seemed quiet. I started to question my parents when finally my mom informed me that one of my uncles sent her a very unpleasant e-mail during the week. When we got home mom showed me the e-mail along with her response. This is what the letter said.

I am in shock that my own uncle could be so mean. It hurts so bad to hear him write this. My mom called my grandma and read her the letter my uncle sent and it upset my grandma. She told my mom she'd be calling him. My grandparents are in denial about the abuse too. Our entire family is in denial except for my parents. The rest of the family wants the truth to disappear. They are brushing it off like it was no big deal. It angers me just thinking about it.

My surgery is this Tuesday, June 9th. That is two days away and I am terrified. I hate being put to sleep. I have so much anxiety that something is going to go wrong. I couldn't even get excited for the last day of school because I was too nervous knowing I had this operation coming up. I am no longer at Blackwell Elementary School. I will be attending Jane Addams Junior High in September. It will be a whole new experience for me. The last week of school was spent celebrating. All the sixth graders had a party in the gym where we played games and ate food. We took class photos, too. It is going to be a big adjustment from going to a small school to a much larger school. I will be switching teachers every hour. Well, I must get some sleep. Good night.

It has been almost a week since I had my operation. When I woke up I was in so much pain. I felt like I had been beaten up. My eyes were swollen and I was very tired. Something I never want to go through again but I have another operation coming up again in August. In that operation they are putting tiny tubes in my eyes. In that operation I just had was on one eye. They cut open the eyelid and raised it. As you can see, my eyes are a mess. This has not been the year for me. I am not seeing Judy anymore. I just don't want to talk about the past at all. I don't know how to open up and talk about my feelings. It is all so hard for me. There is so much I haven't told anyone yet. I never got into detail during my interview about how bad the abuse got. I left a lot of detail out about that last night Brian abused me. The night he was very forceful with me. I see my mom crying a lot at night to my dad or on the phone with her friends. This whole thing has been very hard for her and I don't want her to see me struggling. I want to show her that I am strong. She is having a hard enough time dealing with this all. She doesn't need to see me hurting. I do my best to keep myself busy, but deep down I am holding in pain. I am going to camp again in July with my cousins and sisters in Michigan. It should be fun. Well, I don't plan on writing much this summer. So I will write again towards the end of summer. Good night!

I had an awesome time at camp. I stayed in a cabin and made a bunch of new friends. I got up every morning and did polar bear. Polar bear is where you get up before seven and walk down to the beach and jump in the water. It is a big wake up call. The food is excellent here. They make the best French toast. During the day my cabin has a schedule and every day is different. Some days we go canoeing, to art room, archery, swimming, dodge ball, and we had a dance one night. Every day we have an hour of time to ourselves in our cabins where we must stay. People sleep, write letters home, read, or quietly talk to friends. After dinner at night everyone joins hands and we walk to the campfire together. At the campfire we sing songs. My favorite song we sing is “Angels Watching Over Me.” From the campfire we go get ready for bed and lights are out at ten. Then the party begins. We all get in trouble because we are supposed to go to bed instead of giggling and walking around. You'll hear people outside cabin row shouting out different cabin numbers and telling them to go to bed.

On the last day of camp I cried. I made so many new friends and didn't want to say good-bye. I got addresses and promised to write them all. Going to camp was my best experience all summer.

The first day of junior high is tomorrow and I am really nervous. Emily's brother is coming over and walking to the bus stop with me. Allie and Emily are sixth graders at Blackwell. This is the first year I won't be in the same school as them. I am looking forward to a change in schools though. I like new things.

I had another operation. It was a lot worse than the first operation. I woke up and both my eyes were swollen. I could barely open them. There were tiny tubes in my eyes. When I got home Allie and Emily had called a bunch of people the night before and invited them over to my house for a surprise get-well party. I wasn't in the mood to have fun, but really wanted to. The anesthesia still hadn't worn off completely. I thanked them all for coming, but they didn't stay long after I came home. They all brought presents and balloons for me, which I thought was nice and didn't feel they had to do that for me.

I got my haircut and highlighted today. I want to go to school with a new look. I hope I like all my teachers. I have to go brush my teeth and get ready for bed. Good night!

It has been a good school year so far. Junior high is tough, but I like most of my teachers. My math teacher doesn't know how to teach. She hands out papers and expects you to know what you are doing. She is on an oxygen tank and will be having surgery soon so we will have a sub the rest of the year. I really like my science teacher. His name is Mr. Graba and going to his class is always a good laugh. I am not the best at science either, but I really like his teaching style. I am taking Spanish, but I don't know how that is going to be. It is hard for me. I am also in chorus, which will be a lot of fun. I must get some sleep. Oh, I almost forgot we got a kitten this month. Allie and I found her in a barn up the street. She was abandoned in a chicken coop. So we named her Chicken. Dad said we couldn't keep her, but mom said if we could get her home without dad seeing then we could. I had the kitten under my sweatshirt the whole way home. Allie and I had to sing so dad wouldn't hear the kitten cry.

Good night!

This weekend as we were leaving for Wisconsin I put on winter coat from last year and found a bunch of pictures in the front pocket. I started looking through them and came across one of Brian in his football jersey. Mom was standing outside with me and I showed her and she took it from me.

She reached into her pocket and pulled out her lighter, then she lit the picture on fire and we both watched it burn. In a way it felt good.

I am babysitting for two-month-old triplets with Emily. We go over every day and help out a mother near our home. She had three boys. They are adorable little babies. Tomorrow I go into surgery to take the tubes out that have been in my eyes since this summer. I am nervous even though I have been put to sleep two times now. I still worry about it. At the end of the month I will have my last operation, but for that one I will be awake. It is laser surgery. As far as new friends go I met a lot of new people at school. Ali and Laura are my two new friends and Kassie is my new best friend. Laura spent the night this weekend. We had a lot of fun. I scared her too. I was invited to a Halloween party with a bunch of girls from my school and I scared everyone with my grandma costume. I have been a grandma every Halloween since I was in first grade and got the act down perfect. I use a cane and everything. Well, it is getting late and I have to be at the hospital at six-thirty in the morning so I better go to sleep.