Stolen Innocence (6 page)

We are leaving for Wisconsin now. We are spending the New Year in our new house. Mom told me today that Aunt Mary and Uncle Scott are coming with the boys for the New Year. It has only been four days since Christmas and once again I must face Brian. All I can do is pray. Pray Brian will not hurt me since I don't have the strength to fight him off.

—Alice Walker

It is a new year and a new start on life. New Year's was fun. I stayed near my sisters most of the night and we played cards and board games. After ringing in the New Year, my sister Caitlin, three of my cousins, and I decided to walk around the neighborhood. Brian was one cousin who came with us. It was very dark out, but not very cold for winter. We walked down the street and saw a house with the TV going like they had just watched the count down. The plan was that someone would knock on the door and then everyone else would moon the person who answered the door and scream Happy New Year. I wasn't thrilled about the idea so I offered to knock. After knocking a man didn't come to the door, but instead he looked out the window where Brian, Caitlin, Mike, and Megan mooned the man and we all took off running. We were gone about an hour when we finally came back home. My dad was on the phone when we got back which I found odd for one in the morning. I later learned my dad's uncle died. His uncle was celebrating the New Year when he collapsed and later died of a heart attack. Well, Brian stayed away from me tonight and later left that night with the rest of his family. One more holiday out of the way.

Today my cousins on my mom's side of the family are coming to our house. They are from Michigan. We have plans to go shopping at the mall and go to the movies. We are also going to go swimming at our local indoor pool. My cousins are close in age with me. Kelly is a year older and Gina is six months younger. So I get along with both of them. Anyway I must clean my room before they get here.

My cousins left this morning after spending two days with us. I spent most my time hanging out with Kelly. Last night Kelly slept in my room. I began asking her if she had any secrets. I told her that I needed her to promise me that I could trust her if I told her a secret. I knew I could trust her and began telling her about Brian. She was disgusted and couldn't believe it. We stayed up really late talking. Then this morning while my cousins were packing to go back to Michigan, the phone rang. My mom came upstairs a few minutes later and told us we were going to Aunt Mary's for dinner and cake to celebrate Grandpa's birthday. My stomach turned to knots and I didn't feel well. Kelly turned to me when no one was around and asked if that was Brian's house. I told her it was and Kelly made me promise to stay as far away from Brian as possible. Don't let him hurt you any more is what she told me. She gave me a big hug and wished me luck. When I waved good-bye she said she would be praying for me. It has been about an hour since they left and I'm sad they had to go. Kelly cared about me and being able to talk to her made me feel better. Now I must prepare myself for tonight. School also starts tomorrow after our two-week winter break. I'm going to go have a bowl of cereal and watch some television. I'll write more tonight when we get home.

I tried so hard to outsmart Brian, but the truth is he outsmarted me instead. I am in so much pain right now. He really hurt me. Most of the night I stayed by my mom's side or in the kitchen where a lot of action was going on. Brian came in and out of the kitchen, but eventually I saw him leave out the front door and walk over to his friend's house. I could finally escape his control. I went upstairs and began playing with David, Jake, Allie, and my other cousin Molly.

We were playing a board game. I was Jake's partner because he needed help. After playing for about fifteen minutes we heard they were about to have cake. While Allie and the boys went downstairs, I finished picking up the pieces and put the board game away. Just as I was turning off the light in David and Jake's room, Brian appeared at the door. My heart began to pound and my palms started to feel sweaty. I tried to show as little fear as possible. I began to walk down the hallway towards the stairs when Brian stopped me and pushed me into his room. There wasn't a light on so I was forced to struggle in the dark. Brian's nickname for me was psycho because of how long I would fight with him and would always lose. I told him over and over to leave me alone and all he does is laugh. He acts as if what he is doing is normal. Brian forced me over to the corner of the room and onto a green bean bag chair. I was filled with so much anger that once again Brian fooled me and I fell in his trap. With the door closed and the lights were off, Brian sat next to me and began to slowly move his hands down the front of my pants. I knew no matter what I couldn't fight Brian off. Instead I just lay there in silence holding back my tears. Whenever I put up a fight to free myself, Brian just became more aggressive. I couldn't bear to look him in the face. Instead I stared out the window at the streetlight. I could hear the sounds of Happy Birthday being sung downstairs to my Grandpa. While everyone else celebrated I lay in the dark being abused. Brian lay on top of me kissing my neck. He then started touching my chest and slowly made his way down the front of my pants. After touching and rubbing down my underwear Brian began inserting his finger inside me. I started to moan in pain and begged him to stop. Over and over I told him he was hurting me and the only thing he could say was I was tight. As tears streamed down my face I gripped the beanbag in pain. Brian ignored my tears and just told me to relax. When Brian was finished he told me to go get cake with him. That was the last thing I felt like eating, but if it would get me out of his room I would do anything. I went downstairs and grabbed the smallest piece of cake while Brian watched me. Brian sat at the same table in the kitchen with a grin on his face the entire time. In a way it felt like his way of celebrating the pain he was putting me through. We left soon after and now I am in bed and can't sleep. I don't know how I can go on living like this. I hurt so badly down there. When will I be free from Brian's power and control? Another night filled with tears.

Tonight Brian tried to abuse me at a family party for my cousin Megan. It began in the basement where Brian was trying to get me by the furnace, but I managed to make my way over to the washing machine and then escaped upstairs. Brian didn't follow but instead stayed downstairs with my sister Allie and my older cousins. Mom didn't come with us. It was just Allie, Dad and me. We nearly got in an accident on the way to my aunt and uncle's house. I was on edge all night, fully alert of my every step. I have school tomorrow so I better end this.

I had a great birthday party. I turned thirteen and had a huge party at my house. On my actual birthday mom invited the family all over for dinner and cake. That was the last thing I wanted on my birthday. I was not looking forward to seeing Brian. When everyone arrived at seven I prayed just this one special day Brian would leave me alone. For dinner we had chicken potpie. After dinner I opened presents. I got clothes, games, purse, and a lot of money. From my Aunt Mary, Uncle Scott and the boys I received a writing board which comes in handy and refrigerator magnets. My Aunt Mary always has them on her fridge and knows I like them so she bought me a couple packages. I could use them on my locker next year in junior high. After opening my presents it was time for cake and ice cream. I already knew what my birthday wish was. It was the same wish every night I pray for. I wished that Brian would never hurt me again. I did my best to have fun on my birthday, but I was worried something would happen. Since I was getting so much attention from everyone, it didn't give Brian a chance to ever be alone with me. I can only pray it stays this way. With Allie's birthday coming up and then Caitlin's I will have to face Brian over and over again. Something I'm not looking forward to. For now though I'm going to get some sleep.

My sister Caitlin is so mean. Tonight my Aunt Mary talked me into babysitting for her. Brian was out of town for the weekend so I knew I didn't have to worry. After I put David and Jake to bed, I was watching television in the family room. The phone rang and I answered it. On the other line was someone saying, “I'm watching you and I'm going to get you.” Then the person hung up. I began to panic and was terrified it was Brian coming to get me. A few minutes later I received another call. This time the person on the other end told me they were watching my every move and hung up again. I decided to call my parents. My mom answered and I told her about the phone calls and how scared I was. Mom began telling my dad and then I heard laughter in the back round. Mom got back on the phone and said, “Erin don't worry it was Caitlin trying to scare you.” I suddenly broke down and began crying to my mom on the phone. Over the phone I could hear mom yelling at Caitlin telling her how cruel of a prank she played and told her to apologize to me. Mom told me Caitlin is in trouble for this. If only mom knew the real horror I've been dealing with. Then she probably would understand why I reacted the way I did. I was so afraid it was Brian terrorizing me. I began crying because I was relieved it was only Caitlin. The rest of the night I kept hearing things like someone was watching me or breaking in the house. When my aunt came home I told her what Caitlin did and she agreed it was a cruel prank.

It's been a week since my last entry and my prayers were shattered when Brian was preparing his next chance to use my body for his own pleasures. It happened yesterday when I went over to Brian's house because Aunt Mary invited Allie and me for dinner. Allie was upstairs playing with David and Jake while I made chocolate chip cookies with my aunt. The three of them kept calling me to come up and play with them. After putting the cookies in the oven I went upstairs. I saw that the boys and Allie were playing hide and go seek. I hadn't seen Brian all day so I joined in on hiding. I first hid in the bathroom upstairs. I was the first one to be found. So I counted the next round and found Allie first. I decided the next round to hide in my aunt and uncle's walk-in closet. It was dark so I crawled over to the corner and closed the door. I sat there silently and could hear Allie searching for us. Then totally unexpectedly I felt something grab my shoulder. I nearly wet my pants. I screamed, but Brian covered my mouth. I later learned he was in his room when I came upstairs and when I wasn't looking he walked into the closet and figured that would be a place to hide. My heart was pounding. Brian pulled me closer to him and then wrapped his legs around mine. Over and over I pleaded with him not to hurt me. With his legs wrapped around me Brian began forcing his hands down my pants and fondling me. His hands were so cold sending chills down my spine. Five minutes passed and we both heard Allie opening the closet door. She glanced in, but hanging clothes covered us and it was dark. When I saw her close the door and leave I just wanted to cry. Brian pulled his sweaty hands from my pants and began going up my shirt and slipping his hands under my training bra. Brian's deep breathing was hot against my ear sending chills down my back. Once again I was trapped under Brian's control in the dark. When it was all over, I had been in the closet for around twenty minutes. My plans were to walk home immediately, but that would make my aunt suspicious. I stuck around to have spaghetti, but dreaded every moment of it. Especially since anytime I eat anything with tomato sauce I feel like I am going to throw up reminding me of the first night I was abused and could taste the pizza in the back of my throat.