Stolen Innocence (7 page)

When dinner was over I thanked my aunt and proceeded to leave, but she stopped me and gave me a cookie I made. I grabbed the cookie from her and made my way to the back yard. Walking home I felt really dirty. Tears streamed down my face. It was at this point I decided to stop going to Brian's house, which meant I would have to do some lying. When I got home I turned on the bathtub and sat in tears asking God over and over to help me. That night as I lay in the dark I was imagining Brian's voice over and over again warning me if I told anyone no one would believe me and I would destroy our family. His strong words continue to keep me silent, but I'm not sure I can stay quiet much longer.

Tonight my parents, Caitlin, and I went out to dinner for Caitlin's birthday. Allie had something going on and didn't come out with us. At dinner mom brought up the conversation of going on vacation. Well, mom brings that up all the time and it never happens. She talked about wanting to take us girls to Colorado. She said we would drive there because it is so beautiful, and I am terrified to fly. Mom said she would plan the whole trip. Caitlin and I both said we would believe it when we are there. Mom got us very excited though and right now in my life I am in need of a vacation. I stopped going over to Brian's house. The last time I was there was February ninth and today is the twenty fifth of February. I've been lying to my aunt. Every day she stops and asks me to watch the boys and I make up a new lie each time. I'm usually telling her I am going shopping, have a project to work on, or going to a friend's house. I hate lying to her though. I feel really guilty. Eventually after telling her “no” so many times, she began asking Allie to come over. I'm just glad to be away from Brian. I've been having terrible nightmares of being chased and raped. The nightmares keep me up at night. I almost told the school social worker about Brian, but I backed down from saying anything. I need some fresh air so I'm going to go take Chance for a walk.

Emily and I made a time capsule and put different items from our childhood in it. We also wrote letters for the future. We then took it outside and buried it in the ground. I wonder how long it will be until we dig it up. I took my dog Chance on a long walk today. Actually he pulled me on roller blades. He is good at that. I love having a dog. I went past Brian's house while walking Chance and thankfully no one saw me. I wouldn't want my aunt stopping me. I'm starting to do better now that I'm staying away from Brian. Although I am lying to my aunt, I don't know what else to do. I am still having nightmares of Brian. At night I continue to leave my door open and closet light on. Tonight is no different. Good night!

I just want to die. I am in so much pain and can't stop crying. It got really bad tonight. I feel so dirty right now. I'm sitting in bed with images running through my head of tonight. Around five tonight my Aunt Mary called at the last minute asking if I could baby-sit. She was desperate because her other babysitter blew her off at the last minute and she had plans to go to Chicago with Uncle Scott. Before saying “yes” I asked where the older boys would be and she explained they had hockey and both were spending the night at a friend's house. I thought about it and knew my mom's birthday is next month and could use some money to buy her something. I could also hear how desperate my aunt was. I told her I would see her in a half hour. When I got over there my aunt and uncle were in a rush and I only saw them for a few moments before they left handing me their cell number and telling me they would be home around one or one-thirty. I spent the night playing with the boys. I chased them around the house, played board games with them, and hide and go seek, and then I let them play a little Nintendo. For dinner I made them macaroni and cheese, which is the only thing I really know how to make other then sandwiches and throwing a pizza in the oven. I let them both have some ice cream before putting them to bed at nine. I read Jake a couple books and then turned on his night-light. I went in my aunt and uncle's bedroom to watch TV. I turned on channel five to see that Dateline was on. I began watching it. It was a story about a mom dying of cancer and making home videos for her young daughter to watch when she got older. It was so sad, but so thoughtful of this mom. While watching the show I heard a noise from downstairs. I ignored it and continued to watch the show. A few minutes later I heard it again. I started to get a little nervous, but knew it was just the house making noises, but when you are alone your imagination starts to go. So I did my best to ignore the noise. Another five minutes passed when once again I heard the noise a lot closer, but this time didn't stop to think about it until it was too late. I heard the door of my aunt and uncle's bedroom closing and standing there was Brian locking the door. I immediately jumped to the other side of the bed and asked in a panicked voice why he was home. He told me his game was cancelled so he just decided to come home since it was still early. I knew he was lying and the truth was he knew I was here by myself. I tried telling Brian about the show I was watching, but he wasn't interested. Brian started to make his way towards me so I climbed on the bed to unlock the door and leave. Just as I was about to get off the bed, Brian grabbed my ankle. I told him to let go and he insisted that I play with him. I told him I needed to check on the boys. The struggle began and I knew I had to win this one because my aunt and uncle weren't going to be home for hours and I couldn't endure the pain he was going to put me through for that long. I struggled on the bed with Brian as he tried to gain control of me. The entire time he laughed. Brian finally was sitting on top of me and I did the only thing in my power to do. With one hand free I punched him in the balls. He fell off me and I was able to run to the door and unlock it. I ran down stairs in a panic and paced back and forth in the kitchen not knowing what to do. I listened to hear if Brian was coming downstairs. Five minutes after I punched him I could hear the sound of Brian's footsteps making his way down the stairs. I felt as if I was watching a horror movie. The only difference is I was in the movie. I stood in the kitchen until Brian appeared and we began playing a game of cat and mouse running around in circles trying to escape him. Then he stopped and I didn't know where he went so I decided to make a mad dash for the upstairs and was going to wake the boys. I could hear Brian behind me chasing me up the stairs. Just when I was about to open the door I felt Brian's hand on my shoulder telling me to step away. I opened the door and Brian told me to let them sleep. Grabbing my wrist Brian began pulling me telling me to come back in his parents' bedroom. With nowhere to turn I fought and fought and started to grow weak. As we grew closer to his parents' room I begged him not to have sex with me. Back in his parents' room I jumped on the bed crawling to the other side. Brian locked the door and said he wanted to talk to me. I knew that was nothing but a bunch of crap. The struggle began again until Brian was on top of me once more. I wasn't ready to give up, but the more I struggled the more Brian hurt me. Like usual the way to control me was pinching my butt every time I fought back. I looked in his eyes and saw a look of evil. Slowly I grew weak and could no longer fight back. My body lay motionless as Brian began touching me. The lights were on for once so I could see everything around me. I stare at the clock reading nine-thirty-eight p.m. Every minute felt like an hour. The television still played in the background as Brian lay on top of me with his dark green shirt against my face. I could feel his heart beating rapidly against my chest. His heavy breathing echoed through my ears. His warm lips bracing my neck and his hands grasping my hair sent chills down my back. Holding back the tears I closed my eyes as Brian began unzipping my jean pants and pulling them down around my thighs. I went away in my head trying to imagine myself somewhere else. I imagined myself on a warm beach with the sun. Trying to pretend to hear the sounds of waves instead of Brian's heavy breathing. The pain was too extreme as Brian forced his finger inside me. I couldn't take much more and felt paralyzed with fear. I prayed every time I heard a car pass outside that it would be my aunt and uncle. My hopes would rise until I would hear the cars pass the house. The abuse continued for the next two hours, two of the longest hours in my entire life. I just wanted to block it all out, but the pain was too extreme. At one point he grabbed my hand and tried forcing me to hold his penis. I made a tight fist and refused as he pulled my hand down his pants and up against it. He must have placed his hands on every part of my body. The chills he would send up and down my spine. The noises he would make when forcing his finger inside me. Noises I never want to hear again. He said very little the entire night. As he became more physical I prayed he would not rape me. Just when I was about to give up all hope, I heard another car coming down the street, but this one slowed down. I looked over at the clock that read five minutes after midnight. I knew it couldn't be my aunt and uncle who said they'd be home around one. It wasn't until I heard the sound of the garage door opening that I felt a sense of relief. Brian immediately jumped to his feet and went to unlock the door. Before heading down the hallway, he looked at me laying on the bed and reminded me that this was our secret and if I were to tell no one would believe me and I would be at fault. When I got downstairs I met my aunt in the kitchen who asked how the night went. If only she knew what really went on the past two hours. I almost broke down and cried in front of her. The two-minute drive to my house I sat in silence. My aunt told me I looked really tired when she pulled up in my driveway. She handed me an extra ten dollars for coming on such short notice. I felt like shoving the ten dollars back at her and telling her what a sick evil son she has, but instead I smiled and she watched me walk in the house. The house was dark so I quietly went up to the bathroom and placed a hot washrag on my face and began sobbing and shaking. I sat rocking myself back and forth and could still feel Brian's hands all over my chest, and down my pants. Looking in the mirror, I saw that my eyes were blood-shot and my face was very red. I considered climbing in the bathtub to scrub away the dirty feelings I felt, but afraid that it would wake my parents. I now lay in bed as I soak my pillow with my tears. I don't want to wake to see tomorrow.

I'm in Wisconsin as I write this. I've been hurting inside. The feelings of Brian are all over me. Mom has been very concerned about me. She keeps asking me if everything is all right. She has noticed a huge difference in my mood. She asked me this morning if I am sad about something. If only I could tell her the truth. Instead I look her in the face and tell her everything is fine.

Today my mom and dad set up the trampoline. It was fun jumping on it. Next week is spring break. My Aunt Mary called for me to baby-sit and I told her I was busy and couldn't. I was working on my autobiography for school. It is a huge three-hundred-point assignment of our entire lives. The first two chapters are non-fiction. The rest we have to make up. After I told my aunt I couldn't baby-sit she told me she was coming over and I began to panic. My mom told me to chill and to just let my aunt know that I was working on a homework assignment. My mom couldn't understand why I was making such a big issue out of it. If mom knew the terrible truth of the past two years she'd understand. My aunt came in and talked with my mom, I showed her my autobiography. I refused to baby sit for my aunt who left shortly after visiting. At night I toss and turn in my sleep and see Brian's face in every dream. I just want someone to take this pain away. Well I am about to watch a movie with the family. I'll write more during spring break.

I'm sitting in my bedroom in tears. I learned something today that has me very upset. I feel so much guilt and shame. It all began this weekend when Allie and I brought Emily up to Wisconsin. The weekend was going great. We spent most the weekend at the beach or on the trampoline. Today while walking back from the beach Allie turned to Emily and me and said, “Brian's gross.” I got a lump in my throat and didn't want to believe what Allie just said. For a moment it felt like everything froze in time and Allie's words echoed through my head. Emily and I immediately looked at each other in shock. We both knew what Allie meant. I went on to ask Allie if Brian had been touching her. Allie looked surprised to hear me asking her and then told us that it was true. By the time we got to our house we all went over to the trampoline and talked. Mom and dad weren't home. As we sat on the trampoline I told Allie that Brian had been touching me for two-years. Allie told us that it only happened three times to her. Together Allie and I knew it was time to go to mom. While sitting on the trampoline I explained to Allie that after we come out about the abuse our lives will never be the same. I told her if the rest of the family found out they might not believe us. Allie went on to tell me what Brian did to her. I learned that he abused her the same Thanksgiving that he did me. He also abused her that night in the basement down by the furnace the same time he tried doing it to me. Right after I went upstairs he went for Allie. Right now I have so much guilt. If only I had told the first time it happened in the condo, Allie wouldn't have to go through this. It is my entire fault. Mom is downstairs right now looking at different music. She was just hired to sing in restaurants and is very excited. By telling her about Brian I will take away her excitement. I told Allie to wait until tomorrow before we told mom. There is no way I'll be sleeping tonight. After tonight my secret will be exposed and I won't be so alone. I'll write tomorrow after we tell mom. All I can do is pray that everything goes ok.