Stolen Innocence (10 page)

My surgery went well. I actually felt good afterwards unlike other surgeries. I'm going in Friday for laser surgery. I have been feeling really depressed lately. I've been having these memories of my abuse reappear and it is taking its toll on me. Then at night I have horrible nightmares of being attacked. I am just really struggling, but trying not to show it. School has been tough, too. I just have too much going on in my life for me. I dread the holidays, but thankfully we are spending Thanksgiving at our house with my cousins from Michigan who are coming which will be nice. I won't have to see Brian. Every time I see him I get chills. Mom had a talk with me and knows I am holding a lot in. She has been really worried. She called the Children's Advocacy Center and they have a group for girls who have been sexually abused. It starts next month and mom asked if I was interested. I told her I would give it a try, but don't know if I am ready to really talk about any of this. I do feel it will be nice to be around other girls that can relate to me. I feel so alone dealing with everything. I thought when the abuse stopped I could move on with my life. Instead I am still running from Brian. The only difference is now I am running from him in my dreams. Well, I have to get ready for bed.

The nightmares I've been having are horrible. I can't escape this nightmare hell I face every night. It is terrifying and I wake up in a panic. In every dream Brian is hurting me. At night I am afraid to go to sleep. I keep my door open and my closet light on. I also leave my television on, but dad turns it off before he goes to bed. I don't know what to do to move on.

I'm starting group soon and I hope it will help me. Maybe I'll learn how to deal with these memories. I went to the mall yesterday with Emily. We had so much fun. I don't think I ever laughed so hard before. We were having too much fun. Well, I am not looking forward to Christmas. I will have to see Brian Christmas Eve and day, which sucks. I am going Christmas shopping tomorrow with two of my friends. This is all for now.

My mom called the sex offender program today to check on how everything was going with Brian. The person she talked to said they don't have any records for Brian and told my mom to call the States Attorney. My mom made a call to them and learned some very upsetting information. I guess my Aunt Mary fought for Brian so he wouldn't have a record. She wanted to send him to her own counselor because, if he went through the sex offender program, he would have a record and not be able to play football at the high school. The States Attorney told my mom that my aunt was the biggest bitch they ever had to deal with. The State Attorney eventually gave my aunt the ok, but wanted papers to show that Brian was getting help. What the state attorney didn't know is we only charged Brian with three charges. She did not know how much abuse he did and after talking to my mother was devastated. She told my mom that the therapist they made Brian see was for short term, meaning only two or three sessions. And the therapist sent a letter to the states attorney stating that Brian takes full responsibility for his actions and isn't a threat to society for his minor actions. I am so angry right now. How could you call his actions Minor? The hell he put me through was major. My parents are outraged, especially my mom. It just isn't fair. Our justice system fails once again. I have to end this entry here or else I get worked up in all this. I am just really upset and don't know what to do with all my feelings.

I went to group today. Today was mainly a get-to-know-you kind of day. The lady in charge of our group is Cathy. She is a therapist and works for the center. The girls in the group were all around the same age as me. There was Ashley, Jenny, Carey, Laura, Lindsey, and Jessica. There were also another girl named Kelly, but she couldn't make the first group. We did a lot of activities. We did a wall climb outside, played a maze game, and another game where we had to play in a circle. There were donuts and juice when we got there and for lunch we had pizza. I think I am really going to like being in a group like this. I think it might really help me. Our next group isn't until January because of the holidays. It gives me something to look forward to. Good night!

—Unknown

We did an activity tonight in group where we all laid down on the carpet in the dark and had to close our eyes. Cathy told us a relaxation story about being on an island. We had to imagine we were on this island and only good things were on this island. We could put anything we wanted on it and it was suppose to represent something safe to us. She told us to use this exercise whenever we are feeling unsafe or scared. It was a neat exercise. We talked about suicide tonight and I admitted to having thoughts about it. Cathy was very supportive and understands. She informed all of us if we are ever in a situation where we feel suicidal to call her or go to someone immediately. Cathy became concerned and after group she talked to mom and feels it best if I see her one on one. So next week I will be doing that.

I saw Cathy today. We talked one on one in one of the interviewing rooms. I haven't been back in the interview room since my own interview almost a year ago. She really is trying to get me to let go of holding on to all my pain. Bottling it up isn't doing me any good. It is just too painful to talk about and I was hoping it would just go away after I came out about the abuse. Cathy told me I have a lot of strength and it is all right to let go of my pain. I am going to work a little each week to talk about things. We are splitting up our group and putting some of the younger girls in their own group and we are getting a few people added to ours. Kelly from my group had a sleep over at my house Saturday night. Sunday we went to the movies and saw a great movie called “Deep End of the Ocean.” It made me cry. Well, I need some sleep. Good night!

I am in Wisconsin. Tomorrow is Easter. We will be spending it with the whole family. Mom made sure I was ok with going. I am not going to miss out on seeing the rest of my family because Brian is going to be there. Why should I have to suffer? Allie is in Kentucky with one of her friends for Easter. My Aunt Jenny, the one who I was a flower girl for, is having her baby any day now. I think it is going to be a girl. My other aunt is due in September with twins. She is very excited. So I will have three new cousins this year.

 

 

I got home tonight from Wisconsin after a long day at Easter. Like usual I hated it. I try not to let it affect me, but just seeing Brian brings back horrible memories. My nightmares leave me getting little sleep at night. I have decided maybe if I try to be happy things will get better. In a way ignore these feelings I have inside and maybe they will just disappear. School is tomorrow. I must get some sleep. I am doing much better in math now that my teacher is gone. I went from failing to getting a B.

My pulse is racing and my face is pouring sweat. I feel like I just ran forever. I have just woken up from a horrible nightmare. I was being chased through a house until I made my way outside and then a man with a dog was chasing after me. I eventually stumble to the ground where I am being attacked not by the dog, but instead by a man. He begins ripping off my clothes and raping me. The dream gets blurry and then I wake up. I now lay staring at my ceiling wondering when my life will get back to normal or if it ever will. I am going to close my eyes and try falling back asleep to the memories of my childhood before I was abused. The childhood when all I remember were the sounds of my laughter and not my cries.

I know it has been awhile since I wrote. Well, things have been going ok, I guess, but that is because I've been holding in all my pain. Well, tonight things hit me pretty hard. I went to camp this month and made a lot of new friends and had fun, but at night my top bunk bed I lay looking out the window gazing at all the stars with tears pouring from my eyes. The memories are so fresh. I have put on a few pounds over the summer because food is my way of comforting myself. My mom is always available to talk to, but she is still having a hard time dealing with what happened to Allie and me. I still hear her crying in my dad's arms at night or crying on the phone to her friends. My mom's main purpose in being a stay-at-home mom was to be there and protect her girls from harm. So when she learned about what had happened behind closed doors for two years it was like her world around her came crashing down. I try turning to my friends, but they don't understand what I've been through. They listen, but they don't know what to say. I guess since they haven't been through it they don't really understand my pain. I am terrified to show my tears. I went to group and was about to break down and cry, but eventually got a grip on myself and stopped myself from crying. I guess what keeps me going every day is waiting for the day when I can look back on my life and realize how far I have really come. I look forward to the day I can wake up and truly be happy inside. For now though I continue to pretend.

I wrote a poem today that reflects on a nightmare I had this week.

I went to work with dad this week. I can't believe what he does every day. I could barely handle cleaning carpets for five minutes and he has been doing it before I was even born. I give him a whole lot of credit. Tonight mom, dad, Allie, and I played cards over at my dad's good friend's house. We actually sold the house to my dad's friend and we bought the house behind them. The game we played is with one card and you play with a dollar. Aces are the worst and kings are the best. In the end someone wins all the money. Allie won the game and won twenty dollars. Tomorrow is the picnic down at our beach and I hope I don't have to see Brian. It ruins my entire day when I have to see him. My fingers are crossed.

I just got home from Wisconsin. There were a lot of people at the picnic including Brian. He was actually helping out. He was dipping the corn on the cob in butter and handing it to people. The corn is the best part of the meal, but there was no way I was walking over and getting a piece. My dad brought me back a piece, which was nice of him. I also dealt with a flashback while I was there. I didn't know how to control it so I jumped in the lake, which brought me back to reality. My grandparents rally around Brian like he is this wonderful grandson and it really hurts to see them act this way. They attend all his football games and brag about him like he is this wonderful grandson, which really gets me angry. Mom just explains to me that they are living in denial just like Brian's parents and other relatives. Anyway, it has been a long weekend and I need some sleep.

My mom called Grandma today and told her we would no longer be attending family parties. My mom told her we have had enough of being blamed for something Brian did and everyone brushing it off like it was no big deal. Grandma just doesn't understand and feels she doesn't favor Brian, but we all see it. I just wish I could go to sleep and wake ten years from now with no memory of the past. It sounds so easy only if it were true. Instead I continue to struggle.