Stolen Innocence (13 page)

It is Thanksgiving night and I am just glad it is over. Thanksgiving is the most uncomfortable family holiday of the entire year. I dread it every year. It is worse than any other holiday. I think it has to do with the whole meaning behind Thanksgiving about being thankful. I can't even think about being thankful sitting through an entire meal across from Brian. I feel nothing but disgust. It is all meaningless and pointless to me and I hate every moment of it. I don't even enjoy eating turkey. I sit there wondering what is running through his mind. His football team didn't go very far this year and I was thrilled. The only time I will ever cheer on another team besides my high school is when Brian is playing. His season is finally over. Well, it has been a long day and I plan to sleep in tomorrow.

—Henry Thoreau

It is the first day back from winter break. These days are always the hardest trying to get back to the swing of things. Our break went by too fast. Jackie hasn't been in school for over a month. I learned that she tried killing herself and was placed in a hospital. We both have talked about suicide, but I never thought she would go through with it. I heard she is ok, but has been in a behavioral hospital for the past month. I wonder if she will be back in school today? I had a good Christmas. I got my school jacket. I spent New Year's with my friends and was up until five in the morning. I have bowling practice after school today until 5:30 then I will have homework to do. Sarah is passing me a note so I am going to end this and read it. She sits two seats in front of me. We have been sneaky when passing notes. It isn't allowed.

I am in study hall once again. Jackie still isn't back at school. I heard something very disturbing on the bus after school yesterday waiting to go to the bowling alley. A group of girls on the team were in the back of the bus talking and someone brought up perverted people at our school. A senior and caption of the team began telling a group of girls about a party she went to with her friend back in October. She said a senior guy who was at this party got her friend drinking and led her upstairs to a bedroom. She hadn't noticed her friend was not around until awhile later so she went searching for her and eventually discovered her upstairs struggling in a bedroom with this guy who was trying to rape her. She stormed in and got him off her. She said she and her friend and her left immediately and never told anyone. Everyone listening to the story was dead silent until everyone started to ask who the guy was. She went on to say a senior named Brain Nelson. A lump formed in my throat and I was in shock. Over and over again I told myself I did not just hear that. He had once again tried hurting another girl. It hit me right there that his apology was all bullshit and it was all for show. He is still the creep he has always been. Then another girl on the team who has known me since I was in elementary school called to me and said, “Isn't that your cousin?” The bus grew silent and all eyes were on me. There was no lying and I just admitted that he was. The captain of the team apologized over and over. I told her there was no need for her to apologize for something that is true. The whole ride to the bowling alley I sat in silence staring out the window holding back my tears. I could hear the whispers of the other team-mates talking about it from the back of the bus. Just before we arrived at the bowling alley, another girl came up and sat next to me. She told me that she was really sorry. I told her not to be. I bowled terrible the whole day and was not picked to bowl this Thursday at the meet. When I got home I told mom about the conversation on the bus. She wasn't one bit surprised. It is upsetting to know someone like that can just get away with what he has done. Life can be very unfair.

It is finally official! I can drive without parents. I got my license today after school. My birthday was Friday and I turned 16. I couldn't believe how easy the driving test was. I didn't feel like I was under any pressure either. The lady who took me out for my driving test was really nice. I just acted really calm and talked to her as if feeling I was confident, even though I was trembling inside. Then she brought me back early, and I hadn't done half the things I was supposed to do for the driving test. I seriously thought I failed it until I pulled up and parked the van and she told me I passed. I was holding my breath there for a while. Now it is time to look for a job so I can buy a car. I am thinking of looking for a job at a daycare. I am going to the grocery store to pick up a few things. I love the freedom of being able to drive. Beep! Beep!

I was hired today at a daycare. I will be making six dollars an hour. When I went in for my interview I acted really confident the same way I did when I took the driving test, but I was really nervous. The lady who interviewed me who is also the director was a younger lady. I am not too sure about the owner. He seems a little uptight, but I won't make any assumptions until I really get to know him. I peeked in the babies' room and there are some babies that are so tiny and they are all so adorable. I am going to start in the room with the one-year-olds, which is a fun age group. My hours are right after school until closing time which is at six P.M. I start this Monday and work Monday through Friday. Dad tells me he will double the money I have in the bank come summer to buy a car.

Other than all the pain and anger I am trying to hide, things have been going pretty good. This past month so much has happened. I received an award at school, which a teacher must give two students through the year. I was called to the principal's office and received the award, which gets me into all the school events free and all the school dances free except for the prom. The funny thing about that is I'm going to the prom even though I know I am only a freshman. I think it is really crazy. At the same time I am so excited. Well it happened like this. There is this guy named Steve who is a junior. My mom introduced me to him at school. I guess from what mom tells me he is always talking to her.

I've known him for about two weeks and he asked me to come to a high school basketball game with him. This year our team is doing awesome and hopefully we will go to state. So I went with my parents and sister to the game, but met up and sat with Steve and his friends. It was a really fun night. What was really exciting is we won with a basket as the buzzer went off in the fourth quarter. Steve took off his shirt, and I noticed he had another white shirt on underneath it. I didn't see it at first. I soon saw people around me giggling. I was trying to see what they were looking at. Right before my eyes written in red marker were the words “Erin, will you go to prom with me?” I was shocked and embarrassed at the same time. I immediately told him I would. I later found out mom knew all day that he was going to ask me. After the game we all went out to eat with a bunch of players from the team. That is when Steve asked me about dating him. I was taken back by the question because I was still in shock over getting asked to prom. I eventually told him I would be more than happy to date him. At the same time my stomach was in a knot inside. Not knowing if dating him would trigger me. So far it hasn't been a trigger.

Today I was over at his house watching a movie, then we talked for two hours. He is an only child so he has the house to himself other then his parents. In our two-hour talk I told him about my past. It wasn't easy to talk about, but I wanted to make sure he knew so he could understand that things might be difficult for me. Steve was disgusted when I told him, especially because he knows who Brian is. At around seven tonight his mom drove me home. Steve walked me to the front door where he gave me my first kiss. I was not prepared at all for it but it was a special experience. Well, I am going to have good dreams tonight.

I went down state with a bunch of friends for the state basketball game and no one expected us to win, but we did. We won the state championship for basketball. It was such an exciting weekend. Steve found me right after we won. He was so excited and started kissing me in front of my friends. It was a really exciting weekend. I have a lot of fun hanging out with my friends. Prom is just around the corner. It will be here before I know it. I know another freshman going to the prom, which will be nice. I still have to find a dress. I went to the mall, but didn't see anything I liked. We are visiting Caitlin at U of I next month so I might look at the mall there. I'll find something.

I just got up here in Wisconsin. I've been very busy, haven't had time to journal much. I am working five days a week at the daycare. I work in the nursery with the newborns all the time. I love being with the little babies. Other than work, I have been getting ready for the prom. Things are not going well between Steve and me. I will probably break up the relationship. I'm just not at a point in my life to be in a relationship. I think we are better off friends. Last week I went to the University of Illinois and visited my sister Caitlin. She told mom while we were visiting her that she is planning on finishing up this year and then moving to California. Mom wasn't too happy to hear any of it. Allie and I spent most of the time down in the pool at the hotel. I need to go walk Chance. Tomorrow will make it four years that I've had Chance. I can't believe how fast time has gone by.

I had a great time at the prom this past weekend. Although Steve and I are not dating any more, it was a great night. We went down to navy pier and went on a boat for a couple hours. The city was so beautiful at night. Steve and I stood on the top level of the boat where plenty of students go so they can get close or cuddle with their dates. When we got up there I saw Brian and immediately got a knot in my stomach. I started to panic and felt a flashback approaching. Steve and I didn't stay up there much longer after that. I just wish I could live my life without being reminded of my childhood all the time. It seems no matter which way I go I run into my past some way or another. It bothers me terribly. I just want to move on with my life.

Summer is approaching and I am really looking forward to it. I will be working all summer at the daycare saving up for a car. I am really enjoying being with the babies all day. They are so innocent and adorable. I don't know how parents leave their infants all day. I could never hand over my baby every day. I want to have many children when I find the right man. Allie will be in high school next year with me. She is looking forward to the new change in schools. My freshman year has gone by so fast. One thing I hate most about summer is I see Brian all the time in Wisconsin. It bothers me so much to cross paths with him up there. He is nothing but a painful reminder that I have to face. My mom is calling for me so I better end this here.

Two days ago when I came back from work I pulled in the driveway to see a car I didn't recognize. It turned out to be the car my dad bought for me. I have never been so excited. I paid for half and dad paid the other half. It looks like a brand new car. The neighbors were over taking a look at it too. It has a sunroof, CD player, and leather interior. I drove up to Wisconsin Friday night with Allie. I just want to drive around everywhere. I have worked so hard for it. I spend my week at home working while mom and Allie go back and forth from Illinois to Wisconsin. Allie has cheerleading practice twice a week. I stay home with Dad in Illinois. I miss being in Wisconsin though. I'm going to go get ice cream with Allie.