Stolen Innocence (14 page)

I think a lot about where I will be in ten years. Will I still carry around the pain I feel everyday. Will I still hold on to the anger and hate I feel towards Brian? I feel like I have been running for years, but can't understand why I am running. I am safe now and no longer being hurt, but that doesn't make it easier when it comes to the memories of the abuse that constantly are affecting my life. There are so many other children each day who become a new victim to this horrible abuse. It breaks my heart to know someone can do something so horrible to an innocent child. I am too afraid to express my pain so I hold a lot of it in hoping it will eventually go away. I pray daily that God will help me through another day. For now it is time for bed. I will write more some other night.

I have had a busy weekend. I babysat Saturday night for an adorable little girl named Molly. She is two years old and full of energy. I also played a huge game of softball with family and friends at a field up the street from my house. Caitlin is leaving soon. She has been living here all summer with her friend Christy that she met at the University of Illinois. They are both moving to California together next week in hopes of becoming famous. She wants to be on television so much. The chances of that ever happening are slim, but who knows she may just be discovered. Only time will tell. I look up to Caitlin for advice. She is one person I can express my feelings to. I feel Caitlin really understands me. She is the kind of sister that you can pick up the phone and call in the middle of the night if you need to. I am back home again in Illinois. I have to work in the morning so I better get some sleep. Those little babies can really wear me out after awhile, but I still love them. It is a great job. Night!

It is a Saturday night and I am up in Wisconsin watching Saturday Night Live with Allie. Last month our neighbor Bob across the street died. He was only in his fifties. I found out when I came back from the beach and I began crying when I heard the news. He was such a great neighbor. Whenever Allie or I had a fundraiser, Bob always went out of his way and bought almost everything. He is really going to be missed.

Allie is getting adjusted to high school. She really is enjoying it and meeting new people. I played cards tonight with mom and Allie. I ended up winning. I no longer work at the daycare. I quit in the middle of August. It just became too much to handle. I really miss the babies. It was so hard to say good-bye. I was going to quit in November anyway because bowling starts, but it was still hard to leave. Well, I got another whole school year ahead of me. Freshman year went faster then I expected. Homecoming is coming up and I want to ask this junior boy I know. His mom works at the school, too. His name is Ryan and he is really a nice guy. Caitlin is living in California and is enjoying it. She actually made it on the Disney channel for a countdown to a song she sang while on the beach. She got her fifteen seconds of fame. Allie fell asleep and I better go wake her and get to bed myself.

School year has been going by faster then I expected. It is already the end of October. I am really looking forward to wearing my grandma costume for Halloween at school again this year. Homecoming was good and I ended up going with Ryan. It was a fun night. I am talking to an intern social worker at our school this year. Her name is Miss P. She is really nice and understanding. She in fact graduated from my high school a couple years ago. She is also helping run a group for girls who have been sexually abused. It has been going well and it is nice to be able to relate with other girls who can understand better then some of my friends who have never experienced what I went through. I don't talk much. It is difficult for me to express the abuse. I don't know what holds me back. My sleep has been a lot worse than usual. I struggle with nightmares and wake up terrified too afraid to go back to sleep. Other days I don't even want to get out of bed. I just hold out hope that things will get better.

I had a rough day today. I've bottled so much up inside me I feel like I am going to explode. I've been having suicidal thoughts and fantasies. I just don't see my life getting any easier. It just seems to get harder each day. Just getting out of bed is a challenge because I don't know what lies ahead of me for the day. I am sick of the daily struggle I face. I just want to be happy.

I had a horrible nightmare tonight. I was being beaten and raped. I felt like I was running forever until I finally fell and was attacked. I woke up sweating and panicked. I now can't stop crying. I just want to be normal and not be affected by my past. I can't escape it anywhere I go. I just feel like I try to hide all the pain, but it is getting me nowhere. Mom always tries to talk to me, but I have trouble opening up. The abuse is such a sensitive issue for me. Not something I can just come out and talk about. I live in so much fear and anger. I feel I can't trust anyone. Not even people I love and call family. This entire experience I've been through as a child has really had a huge effect on me and has made me grow up a lot faster. I feel like I tip toe around in life not knowing if I will ever be hurt again. Wondering if I can even trust myself. I carry so much guilt. Like everything is my fault. Thanksgiving is coming soon and I look at it as the worst day of the entire year. Out of all the holidays Thanksgiving is the hardest. Having to sit across from Brian and pretend to be one big family and be thankful on top of it. To me I look at the entire day as one big joke. I'm happy when I can go home and see my dog Chance get excited over the leftover turkey I brought him. That is the highlight of my Thanksgiving. I just hope it goes by quick this year. I can only put on a fake act for so long.

I went and saw the musical “Fame” tonight with my mom. A friend of ours was in it. I also saw some girls from my high school in the play. I am really tired right now and ready for bed. Tomorrow I am going to Wisconsin with my friend Sarah. It should be a fun day. I will write more when I come home tomorrow.

I had so much fun today. I forgot about all my pain and anger today. I went up to Wisconsin with Sarah and her family. The house we visited was not too far from my summer house. We had dinner at their friend's house. We went out on a golf cart in the dark. Sarah and I took turns driving it. There was plenty of land to ride around on. On the way home we were exhausted and both fell asleep until her dad slammed on the breaks when a deer ran in front of the car. I am falling asleep just writing this. Night!

I just woke from another nightmare again. I'm always afraid to go back to sleep because the dream starts back up where it last left off. I barely get any sleep, which is affecting me at school and making it hard to concentrate. It has been three years. Why does it still affect me? Well, I Hope to try getting some sleep. I hope journaling will help ease my anxiety.

It is four in the morning and I still have not gone back to sleep. I am wide-awake. My nightmare was about being chased by Brian and I awaken just as I jumped off a cliff. I woke up and felt like I was screaming. Well there is no point in trying to get some sleep now. My alarm clock will be going off in about an hour. I will just lay here counting the glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling.

It is late out. I had another terrible Thanksgiving. I can't stand being there with everyone pretending everything is normal. Having to sit across from Brian at the same table as my stomach turns to knots. I kept my distance from the rest of the family counting down the hours until another family holiday is behind me. The men sit watching football, the woman all sit chatting at a table, and the children run around playing. Then there I am sitting off in the corner by myself dreading every minute of it. I now sit here starring at my ceiling wondering when I will fall back asleep. The school social worker, Miss P, recommended warm milk. It was working for a while there, but I'm back to tossing and turning through the night. I had a dream tonight of being chased through a cornfield. I am running until I trip and sprain my ankle. I continue to run with a limp until I run right into Brian and I wake up sweating. Another sleepless night!

I just want to be happy. I want all these sad feelings inside to go away. I feel so down and lost. My sleeping patterns are awful. My focus is on other unimportant things. I really don't know what to do with myself. I just want to be a teenager going through average teenage days. Mrs. P wants me to talk to my mom about getting me on antidepressants and seeing a therapist. Mom thinks I have moved on with my life and I don't want to drag her down with my pain.

I had a good weekend. I went babysitting down in Chicago with Allie. We watched our twin cousins together in a hotel with an incredible view of the city. I must be getting some sleep. I have another long day ahead of me.

Christmas is closing in and my anxiety is getting intense. Another holiday I must face. The worst part is it is for two days we are with the family. Christmas Eve and Christmas day. Tonight I went to a Christmas party with my sister Caitlin. It was at the home of a friend of ours from Wisconsin. The party was at her house in Illinois. At the party there were a bunch of other girls from our Wisconsin beach association. It was a pretty interesting party. I got to meet a lot of new people. We didn't get home until now so I am exhausted and need some sleep. I'll write more tomorrow which is Christmas Eve.

It is Christmas Eve. Mom is downstairs baking cookies. Allie and I have been helping her. She makes tons of Christmas cookies each year. Caitlin is out doing last minute shopping. Dad is working out at the health club and then has a few things to pick up at the store. We are going over to my uncle's house around seven tonight. I look forward to coming home around midnight to open our presents. Mom is calling for me. She must need my help in the kitchen. Got to run!

Christmas was another dreadful holiday. We spent the evening going to my uncle's house where all our other relatives were. My grandparents have a friend that comes over dressed like Santa Clause and hands out presents to all the grandchildren. This year I asked for scrapbook materials. I got a huge box full of stickers, colored paper, and a scrapbook. I haven't had time to make anything just yet, but am looking forward to it when I can. I think I will make my first scrapbook on the trip we are taking in March. We are going to Colorado to go skiing. I am really looking forward to that. I've never skied in Colorado before so it will be a new experience for me. I am just about finished up with another bowling season behind me. Our last meet is right before my birthday. Tomorrow night we are celebrating my grandpa's birthday. I don't know how I survive these family events. Another year just about behind me as another one approaches. I was able to distance myself from Brian the whole night. Christmas day was dreadful. It is very similar to Thanksgiving. We all go to grandma's and have a big Christmas dinner together. The only difference from Thanksgiving and Christmas is they have a different meaning. I like the meaning behind Christmas more. I spent a lot of time playing with my younger cousins in the back bedroom where I wasn't surrounded by the rest of the family. With a new year just around the corner I want to start off with a new year's resolution. My resolution is the same as it has been for years. I want to move on with my life and become a stronger and better person. A part of my childhood was robbed. My innocence was taken from me. I can't let Brian take any more. Someday I hope to confront Brian. Let him know just how much pain he has caused me.

—Erin Merryn