Truth Meets Love (21 page)

I absently think about the night at Shelby's wedding reception and although it was amazing, I am scolding myself for not insisting he put on a condom. He was a stranger and even if I was aware of him pulling out, that wouldn't protect me from any venereal diseases. SHIT! Calm down; nothing I can do about it now. Besides, I am too excited about my new life with Tralen to even worry about it unless I have to.

I am dressed in my clothes and waiting for my nurse to return with my shot and my instructional materials. Tralen will want to know how long it takes the shot to kick in before he doesn't have to pull out anymore. I am about halfway through with my Redbook magazine and my "Are you sexy enough?" quiz. There is a knock and I hear the door swing open. I smile politely and set the magazine down to give the nurse my full attention. When I look up to exchange a mutual greeting I see Dr. Lowen instead of her nurse. I am confused. OH NO…. nothing good comes to mind and the concerns about why she is here and not her nurse and unease start swirling in my mind. I can tell she is bracing herself to share something of importance with me.

She looks at me, takes a seat in her rolling chair as she turns it to face me, and then pauses for a moment before continuing "I wanted to review your test results with you." I try to remain calm but I have a feeling this could be very bad news.

I shouldn't have had sex with that guy! I just knew; that is what this was about--I had contracted something. OH NO! I had probably passed it on to Tralen! OH, NOT GOOD, NOT GOOD AT ALL! How am I going to tell him this? Just then the doctor breaks through my scrambling brain.

"Your tests results for Pap, blood and the STD panel labs and screening will be back in a few days and we will call if there is anything abnormal with any of those screenings. If not, you will receive a notification in the mail just to let you know they were processed and for you to keep for your records in case proof of such tests is ever required."

"Thank you, doctor, you had me worried when you came in instead of your nurse. I assumed there must be a problem."

"I'm sorry, Hadley, I didn't mean to alarm you but I do have something important to discuss with you. Your pregnancy test came back positive."

I immediately rise to a standing position and my purse falls off my lap to the ground and its contents scatter and then I sit back down quickly and just stare at the mess before I am able to meet Dr. Lowen's eyes and ask, "You're sure?"

My trucker has awakened and is hurling insults silently in my mind at the stupidity of that question… "No, dumbass, doctors love to see this reaction on unsuspecting women and one of their best jokes is to tell a women she is pregnant… when she really isn't."

I am processing the information and she seems to understand that and gives me time for this to settle in. I freeze and realize that there is a very important question that needs answered or my marriage to Tralen could be as short-lived as a celebrity hook-up. I brace myself for the answer, praying she doesn't pick up on the panic in my voice. "How far along am I?"

"That's why I am here. I want to see when you want to schedule a follow-up exam so we can measure and pinpoint a due date. I also wanted to make sure you have these prenatal vitamins--take them with food or they can upset your stomach--and these reading materials. I put it all in the bag for you."

She hands me a plastic bag with a few books and magazines and the pills.

"I would like to do it as soon as possible."

"I understand. I can tell this is a bit of a shock. I am sure you are excited and once it sets awhile it won't feel as overwhelming. Congratulations. Hadley. How about a week from today at 3PM? We will do a vaginal ultrasound so we can hear the baby's heart and predict the conception and estimated due date from the measurements we get."

"That would be great, thank you," I absently say as she stands to leave and hands me the appointment reminder card. I gather myself and my purse and its contents off the floor. Unconsciously, I make my way to my out of the office. Once I am inside the car, I am trying to decide whether to call Tralen. I decide that I can't talk to him right now without breaking down, so I just send a quick response to him instead.

H: On my way; I love you always
.

I want to cry but that is not what big girls do, and this one needs to pull on her big girl panties because she is going to be somebody's mother! It happens anyway… I feel a tear start roll down my cheek when the nightmare that is working in my brain finally makes its way to the front of my mind. What if the baby isn't Tralen's? It could belong to mystery sex goatee dude I "danced" with in the hallway… I begin to weep uncontrollably as the uncertainty and anxiety set in. I know I have to tell Tralen, but how? Should I wait until after the ultrasound? He should be there, assuming it is his. He's my husband. I can't believe this is what is going to be flooding my mind for another week, until I know for sure it is his. I should tell him. How can I not tell him?

Just then he calls. I let it ring three times before I feel composed enough to answer. He is distracted and doesn't seem to notice my distance. He just asks me to stop and pick Cody up on my way home if I don't mind. I almost welcome the idea with open arms… I need some time to think and get a handle on my emotions so I can figure out how I am going to tell Tralen. I can't tell him on the phone, so I don't say much and I end the call as I quickly can and give my confirmation in the form of "Sure, I can pick Cody up. It's not a problem. I love you; see ya soon" and hang up before he can really even respond.

The reality of actually being pregnant hasn't sunk in yet. However, the thought of being a single mother has and will unwittingly be here to stick around until I know for sure what date this baby was conceived.

Chapter TWENTY ONE

Say Uncle

Tralen-

BlackWater had their last show of their tour last night in Seattle. Cody was stoked to play in the same bar where Nirvana came to life. He is at the airport waiting to get his luggage and wants a lift. He leaves his pickup in my garage when he is on tour because he travels with the band and doesn't need it. I just called Hadley to ask her to swing by and pick him up since she is going right by there on her way home. She had sent a text right when Cody hung up, so the timing was perfect.

She sounded a little lost and distant… I am such an ass I didn't even ask her how the appointment went. I am not sure what all rituals are performed at the OB/GYN, but it is a doctor all the same. If all they do is inspect her vagina and tell her it all looks good I could have done that. I will make it up to her when she gets home.

As I am getting plates from the cupboard, I am wondering how long the birth control takes to kick in. Emily is still at the counter peeling the label from her bottle and looking lost. I think she really needs to talk to Hadley about something important. She must have something major on her mind. She almost looked like she might cry as I briefly told Hadley about Cody being here and needing a ride.

I am going to ask Cody how well he actually knows Emily. She is a sweet, beautiful girl and as much as I love my brother, she is way too good for him and he will break her heart--if he hasn't already. I shouldn't say that she is too good for him. She is just too good for his current use of beautiful young women at this stage in his life. I was hoping he would outgrow all the random antics with all the ladies, but the frequency and volume of the random antics seems to be growing. I have never seen Cody in private or in any social setting of any kind with the same female company twice. I have seen him with more than one woman at a time, but never the same one or even one of the same multiples. In my opinion, if it takes more than one woman to get you off there has to be one of two potential issues occurring. Either she is the wrong one or one of you is doing it wrong. I guess it could also be a combination of the two, as well.

I was also keeping a prayer that he would eventually meet the one for him in his quest. However, I fear that he would refuse to see her right now anyway, and push on to the next easy ride. A pattern was forming and sooner or later it was going to just become his norm if he didn't choose to change his ways and realize that a more meaningful relationship is probably exactly what he needs and probably even deep down what he wants. He just doesn't think he deserves it.

Fucking Bill…

Hadley-

Cody is on the phone with some girl and her high-pitched voice is shrilling so badly in his ear he is holding the phone away from his head as I drive. She must be at a party and she thinks she has to yell or something. Her voice is very annoying.

He must agree because he cuts her off and says "Yeah, not tonight. I am hanging out with my brother… no, he's married now. I know, it just happened. His wife Hadley? Uh… she's OK. Not a bad body, kind of smart, got a big mouth though, and you should see her put away strawberry cheesecake ice cream. Once she settles in the comforts of marriage, she'll probably be well over 200 pounds before their first anniversary."

He must feel my mood and is trying to be funny by getting a jab at me to cheer me up. It only reminds me of how many are probably waiting in the wings to soar in and snatch up my future ex-husband like small prey once I am out of the picture.

I murmur, "Hah, just wait!" more to myself. I will probably be as big as a house. I am about 5'8" and the doctor's office today had my weight currently at a healthy 135… I bet I get to 200 easy. I am an overachiever, I have been told.

I start to think about the baby and how much I want Tralen to be his dad--not for me but for that baby. He would be an amazing father. Macey loves him and Shilo and all of her friends adore him as their coach. When I realize that Cody is off the phone and just turned and is staring at me, I blink and try to think of something clever to say. It is just then I realize I left the bag of shit the doctor gave me sitting on the floor of the passenger side and he is holding a bottle of pre-natal vitamins in his hands.

I know I look guilty when he realizes I see what he is holding and a huge grin pulls up in the lopsided "oh, I can't wait" face before he says, "Am I going to be an uncle?"

I blurt out, "I don't know" and then just try to hold back big, delayed gasps and sobs and automatically pull off into the Starbuck's and head for the drive-thru. I don't look at Cody because I am not sure what I am going to see there.

"I need a Venti triple shot. NO, wait! Make it just a double," I blubber out to the drive-thru lady. I risk a look over and he is perplexed and in thought as he looks me in the eyes when I say, "Do you want anything?" as steady as I can.

We get our coffees and he hands me a $20 bill from his pocket. I don't argue. I hand him back his change and drive to the park just a few blocks up from our house. I stop and park the car but leave it running.

I know Cody and Tralen are close. I know I am going to have to tell Tralen and he will tell Cody anyway. Maybe if I tell Cody, it will help me gauge Tralen's reaction. He knows Tralen much better than I do in a lot of ways.

This is important; my whole future and this baby's depend on it. I tell him what happened with the guy in hallway at Shelby's reception and how much agony I am in after finding out today that I am pregnant. I repeat about 10 times that I didn't even know Tralen then and I would never betray him. I round out my emotional purge by explaining the significance of the ultrasound next week.

Cody just listened and squeezed my clasped hands.

Finally I answer his earlier question. "So to answer your question, I HOPE TO HELL YOU ARE GOING TO BE AN UNCLE!"

He just nods while saying, "Me too," and he has a haunted expression on his face. I am sure he is thinking about Tralen and what this news could do to him, because there is really no easy way to say it.

I want his advice, though, on how to tell Tralen and when. Do I wait until next week when the date of conception is more conclusive or tell him now?

"I don't know when and how to tell Tralen but I know I need to soon." I reach for my coffee in my lap and take a drink.

He thinks about it a minute and says rather matter-of-factly and with what I swear were pools forming in his eyes, "I would wait until after you know for sure. Tralen is going to take that news pretty hard, and I wouldn't even put him through it if it can be avoided all together."

He sounds so mature… I almost expected a joke but I guess he doesn't take his brother's happiness lightly. I know telling him and having someone to talk to that cares about Tralen as much as I do helps somehow.

I don't feel quite so alone. I don't feel worth a shit still, but the shit is not quite as high as it felt before.

Tralen-

When Cody and Hadley walk in, he has his arm around her shoulders. When she sees me standing in the kitchen after I watch Cody give her a nod and smile, she shrugs out of her coat and sets her purse on the floor. She takes a deep breath, looks up like she was praying and then turns and moves cautiously toward me. When I catch her eyes I raise my eyebrows in question because something is definitely up with her. I know she'll tell me when she's ready but the look on her face and the way she won't hold my eyes as she continues toward me is heart-wrenching. I don't like to see her like this. I just wrap her in my arms and give her a big long squeeze as I whisper just loud enough for her and then kiss her temple, "Are you okay, Hadley-Made?"

She lets out a weak giggle and squeezes me back. "I am better now. I love you so much!"

The way she says that makes my pulse quicken. It was almost like she was trying to apologize for something.

I trust her. We have been through so much already together. If it is important and she thinks I should know, she'll tell me in her own time. I will try to be patient and see if she can get this worked out. Maybe some time chatting with Emily would do them both good. Looks like we men might need to exit the premises after we finish dinner.

I let Hadley out of my embrace and turn her into the counter toward the plates and food. I reach around from behind her with my front pressed up to her back, pointing her body to the countertop to take in the wide assortment of Thai dishes. She puts her hand over mouth and I can feel that she is holding her breath. I know she likes Thai food because we've ordered it before.