Truth Meets Love (25 page)

Cody had loved Bill, too. He was his dad; imagine the hurt he must be holding in. Bill told him repeatedly that he thought Cody was "a faggot that would never amount to anything." He was wrong and I need to do whatever is necessary to make sure Cody realizes his worth and is not afraid to risk giving his heart to someone that is worthy. That is going to start by making sure Cody knows his worth and that it really has nothing to do with his music.

I could say the same for what drove me to play so hard to earn my scholarship. Mom was dying and I wanted her to see me fulfill my dream. Basketball was important to me; it was an outlet. However, it was important to her that I got a chance to live my dream and succeed based on my own merit. It was her dream come true to see both Cody and me shoot and score in life.

Although Cody has scored in life with his music, he deserves so much more. He owes himself so much more than he even realizes he deserves. Hadley was able to pull herself from the depths of it with the support of her friends. She found value and self-worth and learned how protect and be the master of her own domain.

"No one sets your worth if you don't let them," Hadley always says.

I also understand why Cody wouldn't let me give Hadley up. He said if I tried to hide my feelings for her and just let her go, it would bury me alive. I know how he knows that now and how much truth he feels in those words. All this time I thought I had sacrificed so much for him. I gambled on his best interest to take the chance I gave him by getting him away from Bill. I didn't know if I could support us on my own, but I knew I would die before I let Cody and in a way he was dying, anyway. He was becoming less of the spirit and more of the ghost of the Cody I knew. He was all I had left of my family.

He was all I had left of Jenna
.

If Cody hadn't had my back and forced my hand to face up to my feelings for Hadley, I would have lost her or even more tragic… just given up and thrown away my chance. He taught me the best lesson of all and he didn't give up on me or my dreams--even those that may be unrealized, just like his might be.

My mom could sing like an angel. She had a lower, smoky, sultry voice. She played the piano and the guitar. She could play by ear, and Cody also possesses the natural ability to be able to hear a song or even retrieve one from memory and play them or sing them in perfect tune. I can carry a tune but playing basketball was my only instrument of choice growing up. It was my way of creating music to my own ears. I think that is why there was a light in Cody's eyes that disappeared when Mom died and I haven't seen it there since. The content of his lyrics and the sounds after she died started to form the darker side of his music. Although still amazing, they are more haunting than hopeful. He used to make up more soulful, upbeat, dirty and humorous material. He played these kinds of songs for her whenever Dad was out getting wasted and he was home taking care of Mom. Now that the dust has settled and I reflect back, I can see the hidden messages. Unfortunately, I can also decipher them more clearly than I would like to acknowledge sometimes.

The first song Cody wrote after I picked him up at Coach Dawson's house was "Died with the Angel." In it he asks the Devil to just take his soul and stop wasting time trying to beat it out of him because he already sees the angels fly. He tells the Devil he is getting what he deserves; he knows he is already dead and his soul was not worth anything anyway. Todd and Molly Dawson's was where Cody escaped to after Bill decided that having a son like Cody wasn't going to do any longer. Molly was Jenna's best friend and Todd was my coach throughout high school. He is the one that submitted all of my stats and tapes to the colleges that offered me basketball scholarships. I had six schools to pick from before I chose to be a Grizzly at the University of Montana.

I left campus in the middle of AutoCad class when the Dean's office told me I had a family emergency and I needed to call home. When she handed me the note, I knew it was Cody. It was Coach Dawson's return number. When I called from my cell while making a quick retreat out of the building and to my car, Molly answered. I could tell immediately that she had been crying. She was Jenna's best friend and Todd had been my coach and like an uncle to me. Actually I say "Uncle" because I had a dad. Bill was not much of a dad but I suspect he could have been if drinking hadn't taken such a hold over him so early in life. My mom had assured me that when she had met and fell in love with him, he was different. He was more in control, considerate and ambitious. Looking back on the man I knew, the one she described doesn't align with my memories at all.

Molly said that Cody had shown up there just before they had sent word to me through the Dean's office. "Cody knew you would have your cell off during class," she said and then she suggested we wait to discuss all the details once I could get there. She promised to keep him safe and told me Todd was at the hospital getting Cody treated for some of his injuries and needed my consent, so she gave me the number at the ER. She informed me that I was now his legal guardian since Todd had called the police upon Cody's arrival. They arrested Bill after Cody told them what he had endured.

Bill is still serving the last of his 15 year sentence for neglect, child abuse and assault on a minor. I can't believe I forgot that Bill could potentially get out of prison next year. He is up for probation then.

I haven't seen him since Mom's funeral. That was about two months before I came and got Cody and the new chapter in our lives began. I gave up my scholarship and quit basketball and was granted custodial oversight of Mom's life insurance settlement since Bill was incarcerated and I had just turned 20--an adult. It wasn't a fortune but it would put a roof over our heads and clothes on our backs. I was going to have earn the rest and get Cody and myself an education in the process. Mom's parents had passed away before Cody and I were born. She was an only child. Bill's parents were drunks and cut from the same cloth as Bill. I had never met them and Mom told me I wasn't missing much. She blamed them for a lot of what drove Dad to drink as well. It is all he knew growing up.

I coached myself.
Hello Tralen, welcome to Manhood; time to nut up. Cody needs you.…
Mom needed me. I am all he has left and he is a part of her.
Cody is all I have left of her
.

Molly said that Cody would be released into their custody until I could arrive. I will never forget what Cody looked like when I arrived. He was sitting on the couch in their living room, staring out the window. He had his guitar in his lap. His faced was bruised; he had scratches and cuts all up and down his arms and face, and his knees where his athletic shorts rode up were bandaged, along with a section above his eye.

When I came in the door and he saw me, I just saw empty in his pale green eyes. They were flat and scared, with very little life in them. He put his guitar aside and started to get up from the couch to meet me in crossing the room. He stood with obvious discomfort and as he moved slowly toward me, I noticed him hold his nuts as he walked. He was taking very gentle careful steps. I stopped at the sight involuntarily. I didn't understand and it didn't matter at that moment. Cody reached me and crushed his body into mine and hung onto me like he was drowning and I was a life preserver. He was trembling and started to sob against my chest. I didn't say a word. I didn't know what to say or what I was dealing with. I just knew he needed me, so I hugged him back. I just did it more gingerly in case anything was broken. He looked broken, and my heart seized.

Later that evening Cody fell asleep on the couch as we watched "Dumb and Dumber". It was one of the classics we watched together frequently. I hadn't asked him about any of the shit. I figured when he was ready to talk to me about it, he would. I stepped out to the back porch with Todd and Molly and they both struggled to not let their emotions interrupt their recounting of events that had transpired. Todd and Molly Dawson's is where Cody escaped to after Bill decided that having a son like Cody wasn't going to do any longer. Apparently Bill was on a bender and told Cody if he wanted to act like a fucking pussy then he'd do what Mom asked of him before she died "and do whatever he could to make Cody's dreams come true."

When they relayed the part of the story where Bill had admitted to duct taping Cody's dick back and then securing the tape so tight it caused abrasions throughout the lower privates of his body, I flew to the rail of the deck. I lost the three Mountain Dews I had consumed since I got the call earlier today. I hadn't been able to eat until I knew Cody was okay. He obviously was worse off than my worst nightmare could ever imagine. I felt so guilty that I was all he had and that I hadn't been there to stop him. I had no idea Bill would abuse Cody. Bill was huge like me. Cody was lanky and skinny and so young. He was his son; how could treat him like that? Why? I mean, Cody was a free spirit. He never liked sports other than just practicing with me. Competitive sports were not what drew his interest. He painted his fingernails and drew freehand and could play any instrument he picked up.

Bill couldn't see the Cody Mom saw, the one I always was in awe of, and I about lost them both. I wished Mom was there for him. She could always calm him; they spoke on a level words didn't cover. I also felt guilty that Bill never treated me that way. I wanted to take all his pain. I wanted to fucking kill Bill!

He always bragged about me like I was a chip off the old block. He liked to try to take credit for giving me the success I had earned. However, that fact never stopped him from claiming me as his closest chance to reach his own perception of fame. I think Bill needed to hang on to my success and find a way to take the glory in order to make himself appear to have some value. He had drowned his worth at the bottom of a Black Velvet bottle, and Cody paid the price.

I think the ultimate slap in Bill's face is that Cody is already more successful than Bill or I ever dreamed of being, and it is his music that took him there.

Eat shit and die, Bill…

My mom always warned me about succumbing to the "Devil in the drink; he'll get you every time." She told me to be careful of taking the easy road and filling up with substance to create the illusion of happiness versus going for the real deal. In the end the illusion could cost you everything. She believed true happiness only comes from substances created from within the heart and soul.

Cody had loved Bill too. He was his dad; imagine the hurt he must be holding in. Bill told him repeatedly that he thought Cody was "a faggot that would never amount to anything." He was wrong and I need to do whatever necessary to make sure Cody realizes his worth and is not afraid to risk giving his heart to someone that is worthy. That is going to start by making sure Cody knows his value, and it has nothing really to do with his music.

He just needs a chance. If he takes it and finds the truth, he will find love. I have faith in him. Jenna always had faith in him.

Hadley reminds me of Jenna. I guess it makes sense that I would be drawn to women for myself that reminded me of her. She was one of the best I ever I knew and not just because she was my mother. She was gorgeous, with thick chestnut hair and pale green eyes that Cody and I both inherited. Jenna had character, strength, and an abundant amount of courage. She was the total package as a mother, just like Hadley will be.

She's fucking awesome and she's mine. She came into my life unexpectedly and within three fucking minutes of touching, her she was already giving me everything I never knew I wanted, that I could never replace again in this lifetime, that would hurt more than I care to admit or would probably survive if I was to ever lose. She made me believe in my dreams again and have the courage to stay the course. To find love and the life I owed myself. The life Mom always wanted for me… for us.

"My Hadley-Made Dream Come True." My mom would be so proud right now.

I need a plan. Therefore, I may have to recruit my wife's assistance. She is the "master planner" in the family--well, anywhere, really.

I hear Hadley clear her throat from behind me. "Uh-hmm….hmmm hmmm. Looks like I might be interrupting. Is everything OK? Other than the obvious, ya know… the father of my child kissing another man in my kitchen?"

She giggles and gives me a side hug as she says, "Cody did you hear you're going to be an uncle?"

Cody smiles with relief and says, "THANK GOD!" while he presses his hands together while looking up.

She doesn't know how much relief that statement really is for him and me. I am not going to let myself even think about what it would have been like to have to be a stepdad to my brother's kid. I can imagine it would have been more than awkward at times. Also really fucking confusing for a kid, I would think.

However, if someone had tried to tell me my path to happily ever after would be found with an ex-stripper who I married that could very easily have been carrying a child that may not have been mine, I would have had to have been restrained and then committed.

Dreams have a funny way of coming true if we just give them chance. I trust her with my heart because I know she is worth it, and she shows me I am worth it by giving me the power to hold hers.

My Hadley-Made Dream Come True.

Chapter TWENTY SEVEN

You're On My Wing

Hadley-

It was determined that the baby was conceived the night of our wedding. It really didn't seem to matter anymore by the time Dr. Lowen reported her findings on our last visit. I told Tralen afterward I felt bad that I even said anything or made a scene about it. He said, "That game was the best coaching experience of my life; how could you say that!"

He knew what I meant so he then added, "I am glad you told me about it. You were scared. That made you think of me and how you wanted to always be honest with me. To me that says more than any words could express. It shows me that you need me and you don't want to hurt me. It also proves me right about you and the kind of woman I got. You are the best decision I ever made in my life and you keep proving it to me every day. It also makes your snoring seem like not such a big deal anymore!"