Truth Meets Love (26 page)

Tralen has been helping me deal with all the contents of my parents' letters, written to me as part of their homework from our therapy sessions. I have an appointment this afternoon, and I have to face them both and finally face the feelings and try to figure them out and make sense of it all. Dr. Kasay gave me the letters during our last session and asked me to take them and try to read them before returning today. I am glad I did. It helped put a lot of my worst fears to rest and changed many of my original assumptions and put them in completely different perspective. Reading the contents of both of their letters made me question everything about myself and my accomplishments.

Every time I would break down or get pissed off or frustrated at another painful revelation exposed within them, Tralen would just say, "It all led you to me; remember that!"

I later learned Bouncer-Duke-Stepdad-Jeff had been hired by Mr. Greyson, my dad, to protect me while I was employed at the strip club. My dad had put Pugs and Duke on the payroll to become my guardians while he pulled the puppet strings in the background. When I look back, it makes so much sense. I thought it was a series of coincidences but then it started to fall into place with each word they had wrote.

My mom had kept her word. She told me she would get me help that night she told me to leave when I was 16, and she did. She got on the computer after AJ passed out the night I left. She contacted all seven men with the name Dean Greyson that showed up on the people search she ran matching his age demographic across the United States. He was in New York and further searches on him showed he was a very wealthy, successful business man. After Ally found Dad and informed him he had a 16-year-old daughter and of my situation, Dean deployed operation "Harley" to find me and keep me safe. Once they found me through the application process for my GED and I had listed Pugs n' Petals as my address, their plans were put in motion. Mr. Greyson came and met with Pugs and Petals to explain the situation and get Duke plugged into the equation.

He had also had Duke pay a visit to AJ to rid my mom of that problem. In the process Duke fell in love with Ally and they have since married. I liked Bouncer-Duke-Stepdad-Jeff, but it just initially reminded me that he is also one more guy she chose over me. However, she said she knew after everything she had put me through it was important to my future that I become something and do it on my own terms. She said once she knew Dad was watching over me and keeping her updated on the status of my wellbeing, she finally felt like I was safe. She apologized for not being able to give that to me before Dean came into my life. She said she tried but she made a few bad decisions that just spiraled out of control, and I paid the price for her mistakes. She felt me being able to achieve my dreams when she didn't do it for herself or do it sooner for me was her biggest regret in life. She said, "You were always determined, decisive and strong, and those were traits that you didn't get from me."

Dean had been married to Elaine; however, when she was alive he referred to her as "El." She died of MS about the same time I started college. He said he felt it was a sign that he had found out about me after she had been diagnosed and that I became his "purpose" in life. He had loved El but she suffered from depression and they had some hard times when she found out she couldn't have children and then subsequently was diagnosed with MS. It was during the early stage in their crumbling marriage that Dean had met Ally while she worked in Vegas. They had hooked up one night and he had shared some of his recent hardships with my mom. They were both lonely and just looking for short-term comfort to ease their pain and emptiness. Ally wasn't trying to snag him, and Dean's wife was closing herself off from him and his affection on all levels. They were just using each other and trying to help each other in the process. They were attempting to seek some peace and the feeling of being wanted, of sharing some of hurt and taking some on in return--an outlet so the loneliness didn't bury them from the inside.

It reminded me of Tralen and what I was seeking in the hallway when he approached me to dance that night. Ally said Dad was gorgeous and sweet and he looked like a young version of Elvis. I couldn't disagree that point. Ally said she wouldn't normally have ever considered sleeping with a married man but after hearing and seeing his heartbreak all across his face, she just knew he needed someone and so did she. She said it was like her own little temporary fantasy where she felt wanted and got to pretend she was his wife and the anguish and hurt was just him wanting her and not wanting to lose her. She let herself think of him as her knight in shining armor, if only for an hour. However, she said she got the fairytale and the most precious gift in me. She said in a funny way her dreams came true that night, just not in the order or manner she had once pictured them. She hadn't even seen me coming at all, and it turned out to be the best mistake in her life. That was what I was to her. I was one of her only dreams come true in life. She said Dean and Jeff and having the courage to find her true self again were her others. Ally conveyed that she had pictures of me at every age in her wallet and would just take them out and focus on my face whenever she hit hard times or was feeling down. She said it gave her purpose to keep trying. She said I taught her that. She had watched me succeed and was cheering for me the entire time from the sidelines as she witnessed me overcome so many obstacles and come out stronger and better for it. She said the strength I showed only motivated her to turn her life around and do what was right for herself and ultimately what she should have done for me when she had the chance.

Ally didn't tell Dean about me at first because she was scared and felt guilty and responsible for what happened for a long time after. She didn't want to be the cause of any more of his pain and in the back of her mind she was afraid I would be taken away from her. She had herself paranoid and convinced that Dean and El may have wanted custody of me and could have taken me from her since they weren't able to have children of their own. She also knew it would devastate his wife, who was already suffering with severe depression, to know her husband had fathered a child with someone else.

Ally felt that if Dean knew about me, he was the type of guy who would tell his wife out of devotion. He was one of those honest kinds of guys. It was the same reason Ally suspected he probably ended up telling El about the rendezvous with her in Vegas. She was right Dean; had told El and he said it was probably what saved their marriage, but she was diagnosed with and began to suffer the effects of the MS a short time after they hit their stride again in life.

Ally felt she had no choice when she kicked me out that night all alone. She was afraid AJ would hurt me and she had been stashing money to get away from him for the past year before that fateful night. She had made a split-second decision because she could see from the way things had spiraled that night that she was no longer going to be able to protect me from AJ's wrath. She knew he would come after her so she made the life-altering decision--the toughest decision she said she was ever faced with. She let her baby, the only treasure or goodness she felt she had ever had in her life, go and pushed me out the door with our "freedom fund", she called it. She did all to save me the only way she felt she could. However, after I was gone she panicked. She said she thought she just pulled me from the flames and threw me into quicksand. She was sure I would end up dead if she didn't do something, so she started hunting for the one other person she could think of that might care enough to help her find me.

All of them had shadowed me at a distance but let me live my life and make my own choices and mistakes. However, they were always there to pick me up. The night I met Dez, one of the bodyguards hired to protect me was fired for incompetence. He was the Samoan guy that showed up to help us just as Dez and I were coming out from behind the bushes after the attack. He had called the police and stayed with the guy who had attacked us until help arrived. Mr. Greyson became a major sponsor to the university immediately after that, and campus surveillance, outdoor lighting and technology upgrades were his first investment priorities. The next was a MBA Scholarship program for tuition assistance with paid internship possibilities and permanent employment consideration within Greyson Capital Inc., which he clearly indicates was determined by the school professors and he had no influence on selecting the recipient of the scholarship I had earned. He also sponsored a cancer research and medical grant for breast cancer through the University, which I applied for on Dez's behalf and she was granted. All of her cancer care and treatments were paid for in full. However, he admits that one was a little more influenced after he took one look at my face when I came into work the day after Dez had shared the news with me. He said he about told me he was my father then but he thought the shock of learning about Dez's situation was enough to deal with at the present. He said when she died it even seemed like it would cause me more pain and burden and he couldn't be the cause of adding any more anguish than what was apparent I was already feeling in very heavy doses.

Mr. Greyson repeats in his letter numerous times that I had earned it all. He said he just supplied some opportunity, but it was so hard to tell myself that now. It is like I was playing my life out in their movie. Even Pugs knew and never told me. My mom never tried to reach out to me and I only found out about my dad by accident. They may have all thought they were doing me some favor by not coming forward, but did they ever stop to think about the normal shit? How about a hug before school, taking me to get braces, my driver's license or attending my high school graduation… assuming the one in the lobby of Pugs-n-Petals was the real deal after I had earned the GED? Mr. Greyson was at my college graduations but as my boss and school benefactor,, not my dad.

They even both admit in their letters that they are not sure waiting and having me find out this way was the best decision. However, they are standing united that they both felt, given the circumstances at the time, it was the only option. My mom was broken and needed help. She needed to focus on getting herself back on track, and knowing I was thriving and safe gave her the peace of mind to do that. Jeff kept her informed about me and assured her he would protect me. After Jeff started working at the club as a bouncer he had told her I was "tough and had my head on straight." Ally and Jeff got married and moved to Monterey, CA after I left the club and was accepted to the university. They had only lived there about a year when I had called her on my twenty-first birthday. Ally expressed how painful the message I left was to hear but she understood the anger and she was ready to face it whenever I was. She said that now she has turned her life around she is someone she is proud for me to know and hopefully be able to accept as my mother again when I am ready.

Mr. Greyson was adamant that she take the $250K in back child support he offered her and get her life back on track for my sake. She is a Real Estate broker now, and a very successful one, by her appearance and her home in the picture she sent within the letter. She is beautiful; she always was. Her long, straight auburn hair is bright and her hazel eyes look happy. I don't think I ever saw her look that way in all the years I was with her growing up. That hurts on so many levels for her and for me.

Mr. Greyson's wife El was suffering in the late stages of MS and he couldn't bring me into his life openly when Mom contacted him to inform him about me and asked for his help. It would have been a media nightmare and caused El so much pain when she didn't have much time left. Even though it killed him inside he kept his awareness of his daughter from El. She died not knowing he had fathered a child with another woman. In a way I think that is romantic--tragic but romantic. He has been alone for almost 10 years now. I have never seen him with a woman at any of our company events or affairs. I try to picture what I would have done or what I would expect Tralen to do in the same situation.

To me it seems like it would be one of those calls--hard to know what you would do until you are faced with a decision of that magnitude to make. So many lives are impacted and so many feelings and hearts are stake in these kinds of matters. I don't think we ever intend to hurt the ones we love, but in the end we do. We just hope we showed them enough good and enough love that it overshadows any of the pain we may have caused them. I know they both love me and did what they thought was best for everyone involved at the time. I have questions, of course, but I am not angry anymore and I think I have grown and lived enough of life to understand their reasoning, and I am okay with it. I will raise my children much differently, but they did the best they could under the circumstances they found themselves in, and they cared and showed their love in their actions. They showed their love repeatedly behind the scenes and never tried to speak to justify their actions; they just acted quickly on my behalf and watched over me. That in itself helps me overcome the feelings of abandonment and the overwhelming feeling I have carried for years that they just didn't care about me. It is a big deal to me that they didn't leave me to suffer and survive all alone, as I had once convinced myself. They tried to do what they thought was right when there really were no easy or "right answers." There are no rewind or replay buttons for this one.

I want them both to be happy and in my life. I want Mr. Greyson to become a catch for a nice, attractive middle-aged woman who will make him smile and be good grandma material. Tralen keeps making jokes that he will probably hook up with a girl younger than me. "All rich guys go for the young ones, ya know." I just hope he finds someone. Everyone deserves happiness and love everlasting. I am so glad I have Tralen by my side to help me deal with all this. I have a feeling I would have held it all in and internalized all the pain if he wasn't here for me talk my feelings over with. I trust him. he makes me laugh when the tears try to consume me, and the hurt doesn't seem to hurt as bad anymore.