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"I'm not saying–"

"I know," he cut in, kissing my forehead again to soften the interruption. "I just want you to understand that things have changed for me. Not just since you've been here, but before that. I know in my gut that you're beautiful because I feel it every time you're near me. I know you have one of the biggest hearts out of all the women in this town, and I
know
you've experienced more suffering than many could claim. I see it. I see
you
, Grace."

He was getting too close to the fragile cracks I'd been keeping hidden, but no one had ever said anything like that to me. It was hard to keep him out, especially when I was in uncharted territory here.

"And you didn't deserve what you went through," he added, tenderly.

I sat up, feeling my chest crack a little more. The vulnerability I fought back every day, came roaring through me. "What do you mean?" I asked, my voice unsteady.

Merrick kept his arm around me, following me up, not letting me get any farther away from him than I already was. "It means that if anyone can understand what you went through, it might be me. At least, I'll
try
to understand."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Merrick. I think maybe–"

"I wouldn't have walked away, Grace. Not like he did."

My breath caught in my lungs, burning. Dizziness swam through my head and I shut my eyes to focus on the deep breath I needed so badly.

He knew.

"I would have held you for days, as long as it took for both of us to feel whole again. I would have done anything to comfort you and let you know it would be okay," he declared.

The stinging started in my nose until just breathing in and out hurt. My vision went blurry as moisture filled my eyes. "I ... I don't ..."

"I overheard you and Keara talking the other night. I'm sorry I didn't say anything, I just didn't want you to think I was a creep."

I took a deep breath, blowing it out slowly in an attempt to control the sobs rising in my chest. Why did it have to hurt so bad no matter how much time passed? I was stronger because of it, but the wound still felt so fresh.

"I didn't even choose a name for her," I whispered, the dam cracked a little more and my heartache started to seep out of walls that only weakened over time.

They say time heals all wounds, and maybe it does. But some wounds get re-opened too often. They're poked and prodded until it's time to close them again. The problem is, most of the time, whatever stitched them up just wasn't strong enough.

Merrick pulled me to his side as he leaned back in the bed. His lips pressed against my hair as I curled into myself. "I couldn't give her a name when all I felt was pain. I wanted it to be special, but the only thing I could think of was how short the time was that I got to hold her."

I could barely hear my own voice, but I knew Merrick heard my soft whispers. It was so quiet in the room, as if the world around us stopped everything for this moment. The moment I finally faced what I only briefly touched on before.

"She was supposed to be my saving grace. She was supposed to change everything for me. Even if Jason left anyway, she was going to be the one person I fought for. The one person that made me want to keep going."

Merrick tightened his hold around me while my body trembled with the need to cry. "But then she was gone," he said against my hair, speaking the words that had already tumbled through my head.

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to picture her again. That small tuft of dark brown hair on the top of her soft head. The dimple she had in her chin, even when she was so still. The birthmark on her shoulder, same as mine. The images had faded over the last year, but I could still see her and feel her.

"She didn't need a name, because she was you," he muttered. "A Grace the world just wasn't ready for."

I nodded, knowing in my heart that God was holding my baby in his arms and taking care of her tiny spirit.

"Where is she now?"

I swallowed, remembering the need to scream when I was asked what I wanted to do with the body. By that time, Mom was already with me and she made all the arrangements. "She's buried in the North Morgan Cemetery. I haven't gone to see her yet, but I need to. No matter how much time passes, it still hurts as much as it did then. But I know now that just because she's gone, doesn't mean she didn't change my life. I'm a better person because of her. I've felt unconditional love."

I took a few deep breaths and turned to face Merrick whose expression hit me deep. That connection we had to each other wasn't just from a lifetime of acquaintance; it was from months of tragedy circling around in our minds and peeking out every corner.

We both felt broken and scattered, but we wanted to hold the other together more than we wanted to fix ourselves. And maybe that was wrong, but for now, it was all we had to give each other.

It was helping.

Merrick was being tortured by the memory of those men lost in battle and he would feel that for a long time.

"Just because they're gone, Merrick, doesn't mean they didn't change lives."

He nodded and pressed his lips together in a tight line. "They died heroes. I won't take that away from them," he stated.

Silence surrounded us as we let the thoughts of our pasts drift away. It wasn't a long discussion about our feelings or the things we just couldn't get through, but it was one perfect, unbreakable stitch tied in place.

We stayed on that bed for a couple hours, holding each other, kissing, laughing. He explained what he told my father about his eye and that Dad said he would look into what it could mean. He'd been experiencing sensitivity more and more each day for short periods of time. I didn't know what it meant, but I knew it was something he didn't want to think about. Not yet.

Our conversation quickly moved to lighter things. Family, old friends, likes and dislikes. Merrick surprised me. He was rough and intimidating, but he could be playful when he wanted to be. What surprised me, was how easy it actually was to talk to him. He listened.

When he asked me what I planned to do in the future, I had an unfortunate realization. "I don't know what my future holds, but I do know I need to be released from my job."

Merrick looked surprised, but understanding. "So, is it because I chased you off or because you can't keep your hands out of my pants?"

I laughed, rolling my eyes because of course it would come down to
that
.

"I'm serious," he chuckled. "If it's because you hate the job, then I'll do better. But if it's a conflict of interest, I totally understand. I don't want you risking your job because you can't keep your lips off of me."

"Oh really? And who says I can't resist?" I teased.

He puffed out his chest and smirked, "Please. You've been groping me since the beginning."

I smacked his stomach and he turned to kiss me. What started out as teasing, quickly turned into passion. He kissed me slowly, savoring every movement of our lips. I was a dizzy, panting mess by the time he pulled away, only to drag me up against him from chest to toes.

I don't remember falling asleep. Only that I was too comfortable to keep my eyes open. A tortured sound woke me, making my eyes pop open to evening light shining through the window. I heard the sound again and my heart started pounding. Merrick's arm tightened around me to the point of pain and I had to use all of my strength to push him away enough to unravel myself. He was covered in sweat, his breathing erratic.

"Merrick."

His head turned back and forth, and his hands balled into fists. This is what it looked like. Watching him feel what happened, without a fever or anything else forcing his body to fight it. This was all his mind.

Not like that night of the fireworks when I found him shaking with fear. This wasn't something that tricked his mind into thinking he was in danger. This was living it all over again.

"Merrick."

"Ryan," he mumbled. His entire body shifted toward me, almost knocking me off the bed.

I leaned over him and tried to hold his head still. "Merrick. You're dreaming. Wake up, Mer. It's just a dream. You're here with me."

I repeated the mantra several times with no result. If anything, his jerky movements only got stronger.

"Ryan, cover," he groaned. "Where are you?"

His arms lifted to cover his crumpled face. The sounds he made, were frightening. I couldn't pull him out of this. Only he could.

I stayed over him, ignoring the ache from his arms bumping into mine. Then, I sang, hoping whatever darkness he found himself in, he would have the strength to climb out and come back to me.

"Did you expect it all to stop at the wave of your hand?

Like the sun's just gonna drop if it's night you demand.

Well, in the dark we're just air so the house might dissolve.

But once we are gone, who's gonna care if we were ever here at all?

Well, summer's gonna come, it's gonna cloud our eyes again.

No need to focus when there's nothing that's worth seeing."

As I sang, Merrick slowly started to still. Whether that was because of me, or because the nightmare was ending, I didn't know. I wasn't going to stop until he was calmed down, though, so I sat back against the headboard and tried to pull him into my side. His arm came away from his face and rested across my hips, but his eyes were still closed.

"So we trade liquor for blood in an attempt to tip the scales.

I think you lost what you loved in that mess of details.

They seemed so important at the time

But now you can't even recall any names, faces, or lines.

It's more the feeling of it all."

"Grace?"

"I'm here, Mer."

He turned his face into my stomach and his arm tightened around me, pressing into my back with his fist, just to hold on.

"Shh, I've got you. You're here with me. Nowhere else but here."

It was in that moment his shoulders started to quake. I felt every bit of loss I'd experienced, shift around to make room for his. Because if anyone was going to take a piece of that burden, it was going to be me.

Merrick

I tried to steady my breathing, counting through each breath like I practiced so many times before. It didn't help. I couldn't hold it back anymore. The flood of fear, pain, and grief was just too powerful to deflect.

Grace let me bury my face against her stomach. A safer place than where I'd been. Her fingers combed through my hair while she hummed, attempting to calm me. I clung to her like a child to his mother. Like a lost man clings to the memory of home.

Grace was my home.

Her hands moved down my neck to my shoulders, lightly drifting her fingers back and forth as I counted breaths.

I didn't even realize I'd fallen asleep when the dream hit, so fast. One minute, I was safe, wrapped around Grace, and the next ... I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, but the things I saw were still there. If only I could be blind in sleep, too. My mind just wouldn't let me forget.

Grace didn't speak. Her hums softened and her hands stilled, but she didn't push for anything.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

"Merrick?"

I wanted to stay right there, with a clear mind; only Grace to worry about and worship. The images didn't go away, though. The only way to free my mind from all the shit, was to get it out in the open. Like she did.

"It was just another standard day, as far as standard went," I started, swallowing the lump in my throat and resting my cheek against Grace's stomach. "We rolled out like any other morning after our PCCs and PCIs."

She leaned forward and kissed the top of my head, unknowingly giving me the comfort I needed, to tell her what happened.

"It was just another day."

Mom and Dad didn't even know. I'd never been capable of telling
anyone
. So, when it all came to the surface, there was no way to hold it back. Not when it had been eating at me every single day.

"The trip usually took a couple hours depending on what we ran into. I was in the passenger seat as commander, Eric was driving, and Ryan was gunner. Just like always. Darius was talking about some chick that started writing him a couple months before, and the rest of us were just laughing along. As if that was the only worry we had."

It was the first red flag I should have seen. If you get too relaxed, shit happens. Every. Single. Time.

"Eric hit the brakes, hard, and we all shut our mouths. It was Darius who asked what the hell was going on because it wasn't an expected stop. I called in to the rest of the convoy to hold until we straightened it out. And Eric."
Deep breath in.
"He just looked at me. No words. I remember his skin was so pale, even more than normal, like he'd seen a ghost. I'll never forget what that kind of fear looks like. He'd seen it before the rest of us even had a chance. He always saw trouble first, that's why he was the driver."

Grace's fingers came back to my hair and I shut my eyes, the soothing touch helping me ground myself. My voice felt like sandpaper, every breath taking a massive effort.

"Everything happened so damn fast, Grace. I saw the fear on Eric's face a split second before that reflection shined in my eyes and I knew. It was a signal. I didn't even get a full breath in before the impact."

"What was it?" Grace asked softly.

"An EFP. Explosively Formed Projectile. It's just an inverted copper plate in a fucking can, with explosives. The design is what makes it so deadly. A molten kinetic missile. It hit the driver's side perfectly and Eric was just ... gone. That thing burned through everything. I thought I was dead. No way I survived that giant, fiery hole in the front of an armored vehicle. But I did and I felt the burning more than the damage to my side." I dropped a hand down to my ribs, remembering the burn spreading over my skin. "I didn't even know my leg was broken, not until I found Ryan hanging over the side of the MRAP. By then, the adrenaline was flowing so fast, I could have been hit again and never have felt a thing.

"I dragged Ryan for fifty feet with my broken hand. I had to shove my fingers under his vest and use whatever strength I had left in my arm. They'd already started firing. Every hit against my vest knocked me down. But I had to get Ryan out of there. It was the only thought I could process.
'He's gotta see his daughter'.
"

I remembered the pain finally registering the second we collapsed behind the second truck. Once I was down, there was no getting back up. I tried and maybe that's what frustrates me most. I tried, but I couldn't. The dust in the air from bullets hitting the earth all around us, the heat from the flames, the screams; I wanted to fix it. But I couldn't.

"I planned to go back for Darius, but he was already gone and the MRAP lit up like the Fourth of July," I explained to her, my voice strained, re-living the despair I'd felt in that moment.

Grace breathed with me, rubbing my shoulders once more to release the tension that overwhelmed me. Her fingers never left me.

"You wouldn't think there's a sound when metal melts, but there is. It's a sizzle at first, then a loud groaning screech, like a giant just reached down and slowly crushed everything with his fingers. Then it all collapses in on itself. I heard the roar of flames mixed with the medevac lines being called out. I heard them so clearly and saw the panic on some of the faces around me and I knew. There was a chance we weren't going to be saved."

"You could still see at that point?"

I nodded. "The last thing I saw was the fire and Ryan, bloody and unconscious. Then it all went dark. I saw just enough to feel the end coming. Just enough to feel how useless I was."

"Merrick."

"I know. I know it's wrong, but it's the truth."

She slid down the bed until the warm puffs of her breath touched my cheek. Cupping my face, she kissed me, soft and slow. It didn't come close to the passionate kisses we shared before falling asleep, but it was just as powerful.

"It's okay, Merrick. It's okay to feel weak and vulnerable sometimes."

I started to shake my head, but she kissed me again and took my mind somewhere else.

"It makes us stronger," she declared, pressing her forehead to mine. "It prepares us for what's coming."

"And what's coming?"

"More. But we don't let it break us completely. We fight through it, even when we feel the end. We cry and scream and get angry, but we don't give up."

I swallowed, feeling a warmth rise up in my chest as she spoke. "How did I not see you before, Grace?"

Instead of answering, she kissed me again, but it was me that took over. I didn't want an answer and I didn't want to talk anymore. I just wanted her.

I traced her lips with my tongue, urging her to open for me, and she did. She arched her back, pressing her warm, soft body against mine. I rolled on top of her, balancing on my elbows so I wouldn't crush her and pressing my knee between her legs. It hurt, but I didn't care. It was worth the pain.

I slid my hand down her side, over her hip to the back of her thigh, lifting her leg to wrap around my hip. Grace whimpered and started to rock back and forth, pressing harder against my knee. I broke away from her lips with a groan and kissed my way down to her neck, burying my face there as I tasted her. She continued to move against my knee, her breaths quicker the closer she came to release.

It was the sexiest thing I ever experienced; Grace using me to pleasure herself. I wanted more.

Moving my hand back up over her ass, I grinded my hips against her. I wanted inside that tight body, but she was too far gone and I didn't want to stop. She was close. No way I'd take that away from her.

She wrapped her arms around my shoulders, moving faster. The uninhibited moan that left her mouth, made me dizzy with arousal. I was hard as steel and pressed against her stomach. How long had it been for me? Too long. I wasn't going to last.

I kept my knee right where she wanted it and lifted onto my arms. I wanted to watch her, to see her come on my leg. I wanted to see if her face flushed scarlet and what her lips looked like when she cried out. But I couldn't. Not with my eyes.

So, I slowly moved my hand up her body, cupping her breast briefly to feel it fill my hand. Perfect. When I found my way to her neck, I wrapped my fingers around her, feeling her raspy breaths pull in and out.

"Merrick," she whispered. "I'm going to–"

"I want to feel it, Grace." I pushed my knee forward a little more, her breath catching as her hips lifted.

"Yes."

I glided my fingers, as gently as I could, up her neck, over her chin, finding her lips. Her hot breath fanned my fingers, and her lips opened wider as I traced them. I pressed my knee forward even more and her hands gripped the back of my shirt when she cried out.

That soft skin heated against my fingers and I couldn't stop my grin. I closed my eyes and pictured her cheeks, a dusty rose color. They had to be. Every muscle in her body tightened, then released, wave after wave making her gasp.

A growl rippled up my chest when she came, electricity slithered up my spine. I couldn't stop it, didn't want to. I came hard, collapsing on top of Grace once it was over.

Her arms wrapped around my shoulders as she breathed with me, taking my weight. I finally shifted to the side and buried my face in her neck, inhaling that sweet scent of her, now mixed with mine.

We laid there for a long time. Fully clothed, quiet, and unmoving.

Safe.

***

"They're here!"

I heard the voice, loud and clear, as we passed through the gate at Keara's house on Sunday afternoon. I held Grace's hand as she quietly guided me across the grass. No crutches today. Almost six weeks on them was enough for me. I was still limping, but the pain was minimal. A cool autumn breeze slid over me and the smell of grilled meat reached my nose.

The last barbeque I'd been to was in Iraq, with the smoldering desert sun beating down on me. The meat was overcooked and the only sides available at the time were beans and canned potatoes. Enjoying an afternoon like that didn't come easy. Not when all of our ears were listening for that crackling whistle from an incoming mortar.

Obviously, a barbeque in a friend's backyard, smack dab in the middle of Morgan, Utah, would be a lot nicer. Peaceful.

So, I tried to relax. Ignoring the misplaced worry that a part of me just didn't want to release. The part that waited for the peace to be taken away. Any minute now.

"Breathe," Grace whispered, pressing closer to my side.

She understood now. All those emotions and frustrations I experienced whenever we left the house, were very near the surface. Sometimes they were impossible to hold back.

"Welcome, Merrick," a male voice greeted.

Grace stopped, but kept her hand in mine. It was frustrating, not being able to get a good look at the people in that backyard, but I trusted Grace.

This wasn't the desert. These weren't enemies.

"Merrick, this is Josh and Keara," Grace chimed, squeezing my fingers.

I held out my other hand and waited for someone to take it. "Nice to finally meet you. I remember you, back in the day, Josh." A firm grip slowly bobbed my hand up and down.

"So glad you're here," Josh said before releasing the handshake. "It's been a long time."

I dropped my arm, but it was snatched up by a tiny hand and tugged forward.

"Oh my God. I can't believe Merrick Thatcher is at my house."

Keara. No doubt.

"Hey now," Josh grumbled.

"It's fine, sweetie. He's taken anyway," Keara giggled, holding my hand a little longer than what was considered normal.

"She's impossible," Josh mumbled when Keara finally released me.

Grace pressed closer to my side and I lifted my arm to wrap it around her shoulders. She slid right into place and wrapped her arm around my waist. "I
am
taken, but it's nice to finally meet you, Keara." I stated.

"Good. Don't be a dick and we'll get along just swimmingly."

My laugh came so suddenly, reaching deep in my gut. No wonder Grace loved her friend so much. She was very entertaining.

"I promise to not be a dick," I smiled, winking awkwardly since I had no idea if my eyes were even pointed at her.

She hummed another giggle anyway. "Then have a seat. The burgers are almost ready."

"Thanks, Keara," I nodded.

Her sigh held a hint of awe. "Merrick Thatcher."

I guess Grace was telling the truth when she told me about her and Keara having a crush on me so many years ago. I smiled, giving her the one that made Grace hold her breath. Keara didn't disappoint.

"Okay, Casanova, come sit with me," Grace chuckled, pulling me to the side and helping me into a chair.

Once I was settled in, I felt like I could focus on everything else. Grace introduced me to Gary and Christie, then Michael and Jen. All of them said they were excited to finally meet me and they were glad to see me doing well.

It was surprising.

I expected more hesitation than I got, especially when I knew damn well my scars weren't pretty. They had to have questions, but all of them seemed to want to know about
me
, not what happened.

At last, I was able to completely relax by the time we started eating. The conversation turned to the Colson brothers and what they had all been up to. Grace and the other women talked about wedding shit while Josh told me about his training to be a paramedic.

He told me he knew a few medics who served in Iraq at the same time as me. Turns out, the world is a lot smaller than I imagined.

Two of the men on the same convoy, were good friends of his. They returned home recently and, instead of the anxiousness I usually felt thinking about that day, it was pride. Pride in the men that fought with me and honor to have served beside them.

That was a new one. Something I figured I lost when I came home injured.

"We'll have to get together with them sometime whenever you're up for it," Josh suggested.

"Sounds good," I replied, genuinely.

Grace's hand landed on my thigh and I sat up straighter. She hadn't left my side the whole afternoon, and every brush of her arm or touch of her hand sent my blood racing.