Darkest Before Dawn (A Guardian's Diary Book 1) (21 page)

Chapter 24

I’d slipped away to the shower room to get away from the males and the stench of the day. My mind was a mess of confusion and my heart felt as if it was bleeding. We’d been attacked, and I’d been in his arms for it. I couldn’t have stopped it from happening, but I could have given them a fight. Grayson told me it happened in the early morning hours, which meant the door had to have been opened by someone inside.

They shouldn’t have gotten through the doors, period. After I showered and changed into a fresh set of scrubs, I sat on one of the shower benches and pulled my legs to my chest as I mulled through the different scenarios. The thought that someone inside had allowed this to happen haunted me. Maggie was obviously off the list, and Lachlan and most of his men hadn’t been present for the attack. Those wolves he had left behind to protect the shelter had been wounded in the defense of it. The number of people on the shelter’s roster made it difficult to narrow down who had betrayed us.

I kept thinking over the concept map my father had in his room, and the lines which pointed to various people from around town. Others he’d suspected enough to question their motives, and their interactions with my mother. Some of those people had been in the shelter, and they’d made it through the attack without so much as even a scratch.

I didn’t need to know who had attacked us; it was becoming obvious to me. Whoever had done this came looking for something specific. Could it have been Grayson and I? That created a shit storm of questions. No one would want us unless we served a purpose. My mother had chosen our fathers specifically for their DNA and what part it was supposed to play in her fucked up scheme. I had a bad feeling about her and that entire situation, but this? Attacking women and children, which the shelter was full of? That was something I could never get past. This was unimaginable.

We had several dead, and none had been the girls I’d trained, but they’d been wounded and unable to assist the others to safety. Three wolves had also been wounded, which told me it had to be someone with knowledge of the supernatural since they’d been shot with silver nitrate. Lachlan had been quick to see it and show me how to heal them in case it ever happened again when he wasn’t here. He’d proven useful, and skilled in the sterile room. He obviously had medical training, and I would almost bet he’d earned his doctorate at some point in his long years.

I felt Jaeden’s presence, and could sense his anger. If it was directed at me, I couldn’t have cared less.  I was hollow, and cold inside. My only thought was for the innocent lives that had been lost. I was blaming myself, and with good reason. I’d lost sight of what was important, and had become some brainless hussy who could think of little else, but him.

“This wasn’t your fault, and you can’t shoulder the blame,” he said as he sat beside me. He had left a small gap between us. Probably for the best. “You left before I could return this morning.”

“Your wife sent me home, right after you’d finished using me. She was even generous enough to give me something to wear before she told me to get out of her bedroom. You should really put a muzzle on that bitch.” Ouch, I sounded as cold as I felt.

“Is that what you think? That I used you, Emma?” his tone may have been soft, but I could hear the anger and possibly some hurt in it.

“Just like all the others she bragged about you two doing this to,” I said through clenched teeth. “Go away, Jaeden.”

“Not like this. Not when you believe that load of shit, and certainly not with you here shouldering the blame for this attack. You’re planning to hunt them down, but if they could do this, they had to have the numbers and cunning to do it. Let us help you.”

“You’ve helped me enough,” I said bitterly.

“So we’re going to play it like that? You regret staying with me last night,” he said with a cold smile.

I shoved my hair away from my face and leveled him with a look of cold disdain. “You’ve had your fun. Run back to Barbie, because I’m done playing around. I have one job to do and that’s this shelter. I shouldn’t have been with you, and I knew better. I don’t belong in your world any more than you belong in mine.”

“If that’s what you want, Emma, fine; you can think like that tonight, but not forever.” He leaned close and his husky voice in my ear sent sparks to other parts of my body, even after everything that had happened. “I’m not done with you though. I’ve tasted your desire and I’m not finished with you by a long shot. I understand the need to grieve, but you are too strong and stubborn; you don’t need to do the tough stuff alone,” he said reasonably.

“So what? You’ll just take it?” I snapped as I held back the tears of hopelessness I felt. He pulled slightly away to stare at me with hurt and angry eyes.

“You think so little of me that you think I’d take you with force? If two people meet and share a connection as we do, it changes us whether we want it or not. What we did last night wasn’t even the tip of the iceberg. You changed me, deeply and irrevocably. I get that right now you’re blaming yourself for being with me instead of where you were needed, but what the fuck could you have done? Addy told me what your brother said, and it sounds to me like they were here for something which they didn’t find.
Someone
they didn’t find. You’re not safe here, and I can protect you. The thing is, Emma, you must make a choice—to take a chance and trust me, or you could end up getting everyone you’re trying to protect killed.”

“It’s not that simple!” I cried.

“It is!” he shouted, getting to his feet. “I’ve lived for over a thousand years, and I’ve watched people make stupid decisions; let me help you. Let me protect you from whatever is trying to find you because I promise you, they know what they are doing, and this wasn’t just someone wanting what you have. This was personal. They have someone inside of this shelter, someone helping them to get to you. The people who were burnt? Your enemy knew that harming them would hurt you. That it would make you careless, and reckless to avenge them. Don’t be stupid. Life doesn’t always give you second chances, so take the first one. You were meant to die or be taken last night. Don’t give them another shot at you.”

“Get out,” I said no longer able to hide the tears. “Get out!” I screamed through tears that choked me. I hated him in this moment. He was wrong; I could have made a difference. Not one single bullet had been fired in defense, because like him, I was the general in my army. If I’d been here, this would have ended differently.

We wouldn’t have been so defenseless. I was pushing him away. I couldn’t even look at him without seeing the dead I’d have to bury this evening. He turned and left me sitting on the bench, and I sobbed. I thought he’d gone, but he wrapped his arms around me and held me through the worst of it.

When I thought I could cry no more, he placed his hands on my face and I did the same to him. I felt the weird sensation of being weightless, as if my entire world had faded away, and maybe it had. Before I knew what happened, I was transported from the showers to the crusades. Or at least, I think it was the crusades, going off the armor they wore and the ancient scene around me.

I looked around, and wondered at just who I’d slipped into this time. Last time it had been the battered woman, and I’d felt her pain. I looked down at my hands and bent my fingers. Manly fingers were covered in blood. I didn’t have long to wait to figure out who I was when Sven walked up and spoke in Jaeden’s language and this time I could understand. It had to be part of the craziness I was experiencing.

He continued speaking as he pointed to a pile of dead, cataloguing losses and gains, while a woman was screaming at Bjorn while he took her by force from behind. I didn’t feel sick as I should have; instead I felt pride consume me as I walked over to join in the debauchery.

The woman was terrified, but eventually her frightened screams turned to pleasure as Bjorn gave her what she wasn’t prepared for—his fangs. He drank deeply, and my own fangs responded. This was war, and in war there were spoils. Fucking King of England, this was not a war to recover the Holy Land for Christians; it was a sacking, plain and simple and to the victors go spoils.

“My turn,” I announced and watched as Bjorn shifted to his side, pulling her around without stopping what he was doing. The only indication he’d heard me was from his short respite of feeding from her.

“She’ll take us both,” he growled and rocked his hips as she moaned with the movement. “Won’t you?” She nodded at his words and I smiled coldly. I liked my women willing, but none had been as willing when we’d come to their shores at the beck and call of the king to claim their lands and loot their riches.

“What’s your name?” I asked of her as Bjorn spread her open for me to see his victory.

“Elizabeth,” she barely got out as I undid the tie of my trousers and pulled out my throbbing cock.

“I’m going to join my friend, do you mind if I fill you as well?” I asked, needing her to say yes. In all my years I’d never taken a woman who had told me no. Even war couldn’t change that, and when she screamed yes, I parted her legs and thrust inside of her willing pussy.

Men lay dead around us, their lifeless eyes staring into oblivion as we claimed their women. I watched as Sven undid his trousers, and pulled out his cock, and pressed it against her lips. She took it, even as he raised her hand to bite into her succulent wrist and drain her.

“Do not empty her; she deserves to live after she’s taken us all. Sven, if you wish, change her and place her in the ground,” I growled as Bjorn and I continued to fuck her tight holes together. This was often how we decided who our camp followers would be. Bloodlust often took hold after this much blood was spilled, and the result would leave me hard for days if not satisfied.

“Agreed, this nice of an ass is well deserving of my vote,” Bjorn said as he picked up his thrusting pace and Sven moaned in pleasure
.

Seriously fucked up! I shook it off, but instead of being back in the shower as myself, I was still Jaeden and the people in the memory were dressed like something from a Renaissance Fair.

I watched as Astrid stood, watching my men, as they took willing partners wherever was convenient as was their custom. She turned and looked at me as I fought against one of the many men I was training. As her eyes sought me, I swung my sword with more vigor.

I hated that the pain was still there, even after all the time that had passed. I put her aside; renounced her, yet every time I caught sight of the woman, it was like rubbing an open wound with salt. Time may have lessened the desire I had for her, but the pain of her betrayals still stung. I swung again, only to catch sight of her naked flesh as she started to remove her gown.

I turned and had to keep my emotions in check, one slip and she would think I still struggled against the desire I had once felt for her. There was no way I would touch that viper now. It was bad enough to know what she had done; now, I was witness to her whoring ways. She got more cock than any of the camp followers and made sure I knew each time she accepted a new lover betwixt her legs.

Her creamy breasts became fully exposed and I clenched my fist with the need to pinch her nipples, hurt them. I have become dark with my needs, hating to be touched, or touching others. Fucking is one thing, but I no longer accept the same whore into my bed twice. I use them, and discard them quickly. Feelings are nothing more than a weakness, as I learned with Astrid.

I wanted our child, an heir to raise and love, and she’d killed him. He had been in her way of being fucked by every cock that held any value back when we were human. I stepped closer, and then reminded myself that I made her immortal, and I made that choice. She is my reminder as to why I should never trust, why I should hold myself back and take my time assessing a situation from all angles and why I have to hold my anger in check and not do anything rash. I renounced her in a fit of rage and Shamus saved her life by claiming her; redirecting the bond I had tried to sever. After what she pulled with the wolves, I would have killed her—no—
should
have been allowed to kill her. Now she runs amok and I have no say. Instead of reining her in, Shamus seems to find her lunacy amusing.

I can already feel my cock growing with the need to carnally punish her. She knows it. She can read me easily as she pushes the skirt from her hips and moves toward me. I shake my head, warning her that I want nothing to do with her. She smiled calculatingly. Her direction changed and she walked to one of her many lovers, one of Shamus’s captains. Her long nails dug into his shoulders as she pushed him to his knees and then gripped his hair. She shoved his face between her legs, and he obeyed with enthusiasm as her servant watched them.

Sick fuck would do anything to fuck her, but he lacks the tools to get the job done. I turned and left the bitch with her lover, and made my way to the camp followers. It will take more than one whore to get me off tonight.

I wanted to scream at what I was being forced to watch. It was sick! It was demented and I was jealous of some camp whore who he was going to use, and I was him! I blinked and in that time, I was transported again.

I shook my head as the landscape changed and I looked around a bloodied battlefield and then down at what was impaled on my blade.

A child of no more than ten winters lay bleeding, with a gaping wound in his chest.

“Is it not enough to kill the men, but now he would have us slaughtering children?” I demanded as I turned to Shamus as he ran is sword through the boy’s protector. Smoke poured out of the destroyed manor nearby.
In this memory, Shamus was dressed like a knight from the Middle Ages. It came to my mind that the dead were Normans that had been systematically invading England.
I should have been standing with the king. Harald Hardrada, supporting his conquest of the north; however, our sire was Anglo-Saxon so we were here in the south, carrying out his will.

“Dead sons never seek revenge, Jaeden.”

“He was no more than a lad, one who wouldn’t even remember us being here when he grew to be a man,” I argue.

“It’s been nigh over a hundred years since you lost your son, and yet you still blame Astrid for killing your seed. You hunted down the midwife responsible for assisting her, and removed her head. Your anger with her had nothing to do with the vow of chastity you’d taken, but everything to do with what she’d done to gain the lovers. What do you think that noble’s son would do to the monsters that removed his father from his throne when he becomes a man? By killing this child, you’ve prevented him from hunting us. Do not blame me for this choice, for I, like you, follow orders. We were ordered to kill his bloodline, and so we have.”

“You think he’d come after us? He is naught but a child!” I growled angrily.

“A child who would seek us out. Get it together and let it go! You would also be wise to release your dispute with Astrid. I have taken that traitorous bitch wife of yours to stop the issue you have had with her; she’s in my protection for now.”

“I released her for a reason,” I snapped.

“Oh aye, you were a hot-headed neophyte yourself who rashly released her.  Not realizing she could run to our enemies. You would have regretted killing her, maybe not right away, but you are not as cold as you think. What she has done is unforgivable my friend, but if you had killed her, and you would have, you would have lost that last little shred of your humanity, and we need it.”

“What she did to me, to our child, what she continues to do to torment me— deserves to be taken from her flesh every day for the rest of her miserable existence.”

I blinked at Jaeden and the shower room came back into view, and then I pulled further away from him.  “Get out and don’t come back, Jaeden. I don’t have time to deal with you and your crazy ex-wife today. I have to bury my people, which, to me, is a lot more important,” I whispered through the pain. I was pushing him away and we both knew it.

“I’m sorry that she drugged and deceived you but I’m not sorry that I fucked you. She’s been warned from touching you again. Shamus has taken her with him south,” he ran his fingers through his tousled hair. “I’m sorry you saw that, but I didn’t show you those memories, not voluntarily, I would never have wanted you to experience that. You can’t be completely human if you are able to do that, so be careful of who you touch. I’m putting Cayla on watch whether you want it or not. She’s a little out there, but she’s good in a fight. I know you don’t want me right now, and I’ll give you space. But I told you, Emma, that this thing between us would be unlike anything you’ve ever known. I want you, and that didn’t go away just because I fucked you. You’ll get your time to think, but I have found that patience isn’t something I have very much of with you.”

I watched him as he walked out of the shower room, and his footsteps faded down the hall. I tried for hours to push him from my mind, but even as I stood in the cemetery with wolves guarding us as night descended, I thought of nothing but him. I thought of everything I’d seen in those memories, and wondered why I had been shown them. It felt as if I’d been given that vision for a reason, but it was beyond my grasp to know exactly why. They could have been moments he felt remorse over, but who was I to say to say if he had?

I had to consider the fact that he wasn’t human, which was insane. He told me he wasn’t like that anymore, but could I believe him? Nothing made sense, and everything was wrong. I headed to my room in a numb state, but he was there, sitting on the floor against my bed, with no shirt on.

“I’m not leaving this room until you understand a few things. One, I’m very old and I’ve done a lot of shit that was bad. I never said I was a good person. Not once. I do what’s needed and often. Many of those memories were moments where I was caught up in bloodlust, and while I can’t say it didn’t happen again and often, I can tell you it hasn’t happened in more than a century. I’m sorry about the people who died here. The innocent dying is something I don’t relish. I get that you probably don’t want me here, but I’m not leaving until I know you’re all right.”

I wasn’t sure how much I could trust him right now. I got that he was trying to help me, but seeing him like that had been a wake-up call. He wasn’t human and vampires were not romantic; they could kill you! Like freaking dead style, really dead, you get my meaning.