Fifty Shades of Ecstasy (11 page)

Butt sex is THE WORST if you’re really not into it. If you’re nervous or scared, you tense up, and your butt locks down like Fort Knox. Obviously you have to relax, and you have to do that by making anal sex as unstressful (and fun) as possible!

Start Small

Dildos, vegetables, penises, and other sizable objects are bad choices for your first anal play sessions. Instead, start small, using just your fingers. You can also find small sex toys intended for first time anal play anywhere fine sex toys are sold; but if you’re playing with a real beginner, be advised that if you come at them with something called a “butt plug” or anything rubbery and blue, you might get a black eye instead of a good time! Toys can be fun, but make sure everyone’s on board before anything goes in the bum!

Use Lube

Oh God, so much lube. This is the main secret to good butt sex: You don’t want friction when you’re doing the backdoor tango, and since there’s no natural ass lubrication, you’re going to want to get your hands on some lube. The last thing you want when you’re just starting out with anal is a dry bum, so lube it up before you get started.

Take It Slow

The first time you try anal sex, it’s best to take it in stages. Start by getting used to the feeling of having your ass touched: you (or your partner) rub around the outside of your asshole, gently spreading lube around. Once that feels good, you can start thinking about insertion. It’s best to let the owner of the ass control how and when that happens, so a good trick for a first timer is to leave whatever you’re inserting stationary, and give the butt-sexed partner plenty of room to impale themselves. If you’re trying anal sex that involves a real live penis, you want to be extra careful starting out. Remember to let the owner of the ass control the action, which means that there should be no thrusting or movement until she (or he) says so! Butts are great, and anal sex is widely enjoyed, but it has to be something enjoyed by all parties, and not something to check off a list of “sex things I do.” A lot of times when couples try anal sex it’s more about the idea and the imagery, and all the sexy things that go along with “butt stuff.” If you actually want to add anal play to your bedroom repertoire, make sure it is because you both like what you’re doing!

Say Thank You!

Make sure you tell your partner how great they are. This is always a good idea, but when you’re trying new things and being adventurous in the bedroom, it’s especially important to take time to let your partner know how much they turn you on, and how much you enjoyed your sexy times. Because everyone likes to be appreciated! So if your partner is open to letting you put things up his or her butt, make sure you let them know that you appreciate it.

Chapter Five

Deep Impact

I
NTRODUCTION

H
aving deep, penetrating sex should not be taken lightly. It has been passed down by our forefathers, the Romans, or may-be Australopithecus—not because it changes the mathematics of sex (P+V = O), but because it feels fucking phenomenal. Skip the shallow end and dive right into subterranean waters with these deeply moving angles.

O
PENING
N
IGHT

Private showings are always the best showings. This position’s debut is sure to be an instant success.

Lying on the bed, she should spread her legs for him to enter her. And you’re done.

I kid, I kid! There’s more! With the help of a little daily stretching, she should splay her legs in the air into a wide split. Straightening her legs all the way is more for fashion than function, so if she’s not super duper flexible, fret not! (No one expects him to     be an acrobat, so she shouldn’t lose points for that either!) Depending on said bendiness, he should keep her legs apart by holding on to her either ankles (for a wide split) or her knees (for a thinner split).

“O Love, O fire! once he drew With one long kiss my whole soul through
My lips
, as sunlight drinketh
dew
.”

—
Alfred Tennyson

While he works hard in between her legs, she can pleasure herself. Some women worry that masturbating during sex will make him think she prefers her own hand to his penis. Au contraire: “I was so aroused with your penis inside me that I just had to touch myself,” should never be interpreted as anything other than an enormous ego boost to him. Touch away.

Naturally, this position is an aesthetic A+, but it also lets both partners get deeply acquainted!

F
IFTY
B
EAUTIFUL
E
UPHEMISMS FOR
L
ADY
S
ELF
-L
OVIN
’

E
verybody needs a little magic touch once in a while. While it might seem like a dude-dominated sport, it shouldn’t be news that ladies like a little self-love once in a while. There are plenty of fun phrases guys can use to describe their time spent flying solo, but I have always been disappointed at the lack of creative terms for lady masturbation. But no more! Forget about “flicking the bean” and scrub “petting the beaver” from your brain, and enjoy these 50 lovely euphemisms for sex with the one you love most.

Gilding the Lily

Bopshebopping

Spinning the dial

Dialing the Rotary Phone

Hitchhiking South

Riding the Unicycle

Ménage a Moi

Pressing your Pleats

Fiddling your Diddle

Finger Dancing

Doing it in the

French Way

Tending the Secret

Garden

Slapping the Bass

Smacking the Pony

Riding the Unicorn

Kickin’ it with BOB

Groping the Grotto

Shooting the Pink

Marble

Trolling the Bermuda Triangle

Beating around the Bush

Buffing the Jewel

Reading in Braille

Spanking Lucy

Pat the Bunny

5 Digit Disco

Double-Clicking the Mouse