Forgotten Self (Forgotten Self #1) (18 page)

“
It's an angel thing.” He acts like he's relaying the weather forecast.

The blush is coming on. He
had
known when I was checking him out. “And you never told me this before because...?”

“
No particular reason, it just never came up. Angels have ma
ny powers, Abigail.”

“
I bet. You all seem to be able to do a lot,” I say grumpily. I am at a major disadvantage in this conversation. Then a sudden jolt of alarm breaks through me.

“
What?” Lucas asks, obviously troubled.

I mumble out a, “Nothing,” and turn
away. Ah, damn. This means he's able to tell if I'm lying. What if he knew about earlier? He must. I know I was not playing it cool with that Danielle story. Freaking awesome. Out of all the things I could be feeling right now – like concern for my next m
ove – I am instead filled with guilt.

He gives me a knowing look. My blush returns. I never used to blush before
he
came along. This other Abigail is definitely on her way back. Rather, the hidden part of me, I guess. I should probably stop thinking of mys
elf as two people – it could turn me crazy or something.

“
Oops,” I say.

“
Don't worry,” Lucas tells me soothingly. “You always end up telling me because even when you're not human, you suck at lying.” Not so soothing.

I roll my eyes. “Not an angel trait, hu
h?”

“
Nope. Now why don't you start with what Aram told you, and then we can move on to your conversation with Gaash.”

My mouth drops open. “You...” I shake my head in consternation. “Unbelievable. Well, if you really must know, Aram made me an offer.” I sa
y this irritably.

Lucas gives me a worried look. “You didn't...”

“
No, I didn't accept.”

“
What did the offer entail?”

“
Basically Aram's power and a lot of demons to help me win.”

He runs a hand through his hair. “And the catch?”

“
The most cliched of all,”
I tell him.

His face gets that pink tinge. “Damn that demon, trying his powers on you, taking advantage of your human form. If I'd been there...” He lets out a slow breath, trying to maintain control of his anger. I don't have to feel emotions to know how
pissed he is. “And Gaash?”

“
Same thing.” I look down, wondering how he's going to react to the next part. “But this proposition was from -” I cough over the last part.

“
Tell me,” Lucas commands.

I pose my answer as a question. “Um, Lucifer?”

One thing's
for sure, I probably could've guessed his reaction to that news, but not its intensity. I've never seen anyone that angry. But after a a few seconds of a clenched jaw and controlled breathing, it passes. Carefully he says, “What were the details of this of
fer?”

I clear my throat. “Uh, same sort of thing. Power of hell behind me, get the balance back, you know...”

“
I don't know,” he replies with a look. Not a nice look.

“
He didn't ask for a price, if that helps.”

“
That doesn't mean anything. When someone m
akes a deal with Lucifer, there doesn't need to be a payment clause. He can take whatever he wants from that person. And I mean whatever.” He rubs his eyes. “Why did I let you go?”

This rubs me the wrong way.

“
Excuse me, I think I can handle myself. I obvi
ously did not take these demons up on their offers. I'm not stupid, even if I am human right now, you misogynistic - ”

Lucas grabs my wrist. “Abigail, I understand your need to be independent and strong, but this is
not the time. Everything is at stake now
. Your pride can't get in the way of the safety of your soul or this battle we are fighting.”

Ouch, that stings. I know he's right, but I'm not about to admit it out loud. I just nod curtly while inspecting the ground.

We are quiet again and I can't help b
ut consider the offers I've been given. I mean, I don't totally know what's going on, but it seems like we don't have enough power to fight the archangels. But hadn't Lucas said that the angels were picking sides? And Aram, Aram said something about Raguel
and Remiel's weakness on earth...

“
Lucas.” His head snaps up. “Where are all the other angels? Didn't you say they knew about everything now?”

His expression is grim. “They're scared. Many have decided to side with Remiel and Raguel. Without our Father he
re, without reassurance...they've chosen the least frightening option.”

“
But aren't they afraid that God might come back and punish them for what they've done?”

“
No.” Lucas shakes his head slightly. Something akin to disappointment laces his tone. “He's be
en gone a long, long time.” He doesn't elaborate.

I stand up, trying to get the blood back into my legs. “Have any of the angels chosen our side?”

“
I wish you could remember our world, Abby. This would all make sense. As you know, there are different types
of angels.”

“
Balancers, guardians, angels of Death, gatekeepers, Judges, archangels,” I list off. “Yeah, I know.”

“
There's more. Companions, record keepers, maintainers...there are so many of us. But a good portion have no role in the affairs of heaven a
nd hell. No interest. I guess you could call them neutral.”

“
Aren't you neutral as a Balancer?”

“
Yes, but I have my own interest in this...” He gives me a strangely intense look.

I glance away, uncomfortable. “And what about my kind?”

He shrugs. “It depend
s on who you're talking to. Some carry out their jobs, delivering souls scarred or not without much regard. It's what they were made for. Others, though a much smaller amount, observe the imposed mutilation as unjust.”

“
I guess I was part of that smaller
amount, huh?” I zip my jacket up and bounce around on the soles of my feet.

That small smile appears. “Yes, you were. And you still are.” He stands. “We should go. You're getting cold.”

“
Ugh, could you stop that angel intuition thing?” I purse my lips in
distaste.

His smile grows. “Nope. Can't turn it off. Though I don't really need to use it when you're visibly shivering.”

I smirk rudely in response and start down the hill, only to see that the bush thicket extended far beyond my viewpoint. “Great,” I mum
ble, and gingerly push the first branches aside. I begin my mantra of “ouches” and Lucas lays a hand lightly on my shoulder.

“
Have I ever told you how much I do
not
enjoy that?” That transportation thing gives me the chills. Wait. “Where are we?” I do no
t recognize this place. It's a sandy beach, no rocks like at home...and it's warm. Like, too warm. Palm trees sway behind Lucas, who's staring at me with a hint of enjoyment. “No, seriously. Where the hell are we?”

“
Somewhere I can safely leave you while I
go take care of a few things.”

“
What
?”

“
Don't try to make me feel guilty. It's not going to work. I need to go somewhere else and I'm not leaving you back there. Aram and Gaash won't be able to reach you here. And until I can trust that you won't make th
e deal -” Oh, snap. I must've thought about that while he was around.

I grab a handful of his shirt. “So you're leaving me on an abandoned beach?”

With a wink, he's gone.

I rub my temples slowly.  Plopping down onto the hot sand, I wonder why Aram and Gaas
h can't reach me here. Is that like a demon thing, that you have to be in the same town as whoever is trying to get a hold of you? I have no idea. But...what about angels? I could try calling Jonathan, though the last time I saw him I'd majorly hurt his fe
elings. Not on purpose, but still. I sigh out loud. Oh, what could it hurt?

“
Jonathan?” I call out, feeling foolish. I've never tried this before and had it work. A long minute goes by and I try again. “Um...Jonathan?”

And without a sound, he appears right
next to me, sitting on the sand. He doesn't look at me when he asks, “What is it, Abby?”

I feel bad. So, so bad. This guy's been my best friend for so long - why did I do that to him? Or, rather, why did the other Abigail do that to him? “Hi,” I say lamel
y, not knowing what else to.

Jonathan finally glances over at me. “Don't do that.”

“
Do what?”

“
Feel guilty.”

I seriously need to stop forgetting about that angelic emotion-sensory thing. “Oh...Yeah, well, I can't help that. I actually want to apologize. I
swear I didn't know what I was saying back there. I'm so sorry.”

At my words, he groans and covers his face with his hands, talking into them. “It wasn't you, Abby. Lucas told you what happens when you start coming back...it's just happening so fast.”

The
smallest tingling of anxiety hits the back of my neck, but I ignore it. Once again I have the feeling that I'm forgetting something...

“
Anyway
,” I emphasize, “I'm still sorry. But I think you owe me an explanation about what's going on between the three o
f us.”

Jonathan lays back on the sandy shore with white-knuckled fists. “Yes, I suppose this must be confusing.” Understatement. “I – damn, Abby. I don't even...” He gathers his thoughts for a moment.

“
Show me?” I wonder if that will be easier for him.

But
his lips tighten and he shakes his head. “I'm not ready for that. You'll remember soon enough, I'm sure.”

“
Please tell me then,” I plead.

His fists clench even tighter. A breath and then, “I'm in love with you, Abby.”

I suppose I already knew that, but I
have no words. I just regard him with what I hope is a neutral expression on my face.

His eyes are fixed on the ocean. The waves lap noisily onto the shore, smoothing out the sand before receding. “I have been for a long time.”

“
What happened?”

He shrugs n
onchalantly, his shoulders brushing up the sand underneath him. “Nothing. I waited too long to say anything, but even if I had it wouldn't have mattered.” The despair in his expression grows obvious.

I wait, then supply, “Because of Lucas, right?”

Jonatha
n gives me a short nod.

Now I'm the one laying back on the sand, feeling disconnected from the whole thing.“This is weird, considering I don't remember it.”

He looks over at me and a small smile pulls up the corner of his mouth. “I bet.” And for just a min
ute, it feels like
us
, two old friends who'd met in third grade, not two ancient angels.

I don't know how I feel about his confession. I love him, sure...but I don't think I'm in love with him. In fact, it's all just really awkward.

A question flits unhee
ded into my head - did angels...? I practically slam my hands into my
face, covering it in embarrassment. I can't believe I just thought about angels and
that
together. Sacrilege. A lightning strike is on its way, I'm sure.

Jonathan doesn't react to any of
it – the basically self-slapping of my face or my unspoken mortification.

Thank God. Imagine explaining that to your ex-boyfriend, angel-person...whatever.

After a little while of listening to the waves and the breeze in the trees, I ask, “Where are we?”
Slowly I sit up and resurvey my surroundings.

“
There's not really a name.”

“
But where is it?”

“
It's sort of in another place. An
in between
space.”

An in between space. Fabulous.

“
I'm not even going to ask,” I hurumph and fall back onto the ground. Stu
pid angels and their stupid, non-understandable world. Planes. Dimensions. Whatever.

“
I'll tell you anyway since you're so frustrated.”

I narrow my eyes at him and another tiny smile appears on his face. “This,” he continues, “is somewhere between heaven a
nd earth. But it's not really that spatial. Things beyond earth don't really work like it.” He lets out a sigh. “These concepts are hard to explain to -”