How to Make Her LET GO & GIVE IN: The No-Bullshit Guide to Great Sex (26 page)

What you can do however, is discuss some specifics about the sex for informative purposes. It’s good to communicate about this to improve your sex lives. But don’t stick to the subject for too long as it will ruin the romantic atmosphere.

Use sharing pronouns

When having a conversation, you must also share mentality and ownership. Use
my
to claim her as yours, but not the world around. You must share your world with her: it’s not
my bed
but
our bed, this is our dirty little secret, we had a wonderful time tonight.

Sharing

There is an expression that states,
sharing is caring
. When either of you care about the other person, you automatically start to share because it is a part of bonding. This does not only implies material possessions, it also includes yourself. It’s this latter part of sharing that I want to talk to you about.

It’s OK to open up to a woman and share some of your inner thoughts, and it is definitely a good thing to do in this step of the experience. But as to what extent, with which kind of woman or in what kind of relationship is up for debate. There are really no definite answers here; only a guide as to how to choose between different options depending on the situation.

Sharing emotions and feelings has become an even bigger issue in the world, today more so than ever before. But this shouldn't be a problem to you though. Of course, women do like to know more about their wonderful lover and as such, most women will agree that sharing
everything
is a very good school of thought.

Keep the Mystery Alive

By now you must have already figured out that you don't necessarily have to give her
everything
she wants to make her happy. Giving her exactly what she wants all of the time will not fulfil her sexually. Remember that back in STEP 2, I outlined how being able to
not
get too emotional, is a way to create a sexual spark? Well, this much is true when it comes to both before and – to a certain extent – after sex.

Of course you can open up emotionally in the afterglow of a steamy sex session. Under these circumstances she is also looking to keep the connection strong on a deeper level. So, you can talk about the neighbourhood you grew up in, how you met your best friend, why you like video games so much, what your future plans are, etc. You can share virtually all kinds of things with her, and she will eagerly listen as if she is your biggest fan.

Still, however, don’t give away everything you have to say about yourself all of the time. It will lead to emotional boredom because she is not being challenged. Over time her feelings of lust for you will diminish gradually. So do share, but keep the mystery alive.

In contrast, not sharing too much personal stuff about yourself gives you an air of emotional unavailability. This is good as it keeps her chasing after you, and therefore it feeds her need of lust.

You may assume that this damages her needs of trust, but it doesn’t. As long as she feels that you care for her, she will feel this trust. My advice is to keep some distance about sharing your feelings with words, even in long term serious relationships, but show her you care and are there for her through your actions.

She will also like this because she has certain things she’d much rather discuss with her girlfriends than with you, and you would also rather discuss some things with your buddies than with her, meaning you do not have to have that overly romantic image in which ‘soul mates’ share everything.

The right kind of sharing from your side always starts with your actions and not your words. All you need to do, is be there for her when she has an emotional or practical need. While cuddling intimate words are optional, but being emotionally there for her is essential.

Keep in mind that it's not the ability to share those deep or sensitive thoughts with her that matters the most, because these won’t make her feel safe and protected. Therefore, the mere sharing of your vulnerable side and emotions is only an option and not a necessity to give her the right feeling.

Don’t Share Negative Thoughts

The moments after sex are about joy and relaxation. When you start talking about negative feelings in this very moment, she will be dispirited. Now is not the time to bring up your frustrations. For example, saying something like: “
Deep inside I am such an artist and have a very sensitive soul. How did I ever land that boring engineering programming job
?” followed by a big sigh and a frown, is definitely not the way to go. She just doesn’t want to hear all of that gloomy stuff.

The goal of this step is to give her the safe connection she wants. This does not equal you sharing your inner thoughts with her, certainly when you are talking about trivial negative things that don't bring the relationship forward.

These issues of yours will not make her feel safe. She needs to look up to you because of your strong masculine behaviour. Discussing negative things, especially when talking about things a man should be able to handle without whining, could lead to her seeing you as a cry baby.

Being overly sensitive and expressing your vulnerable side through negative thoughts will change her perspective of you. It will discourage her due to this emotional bubble of her being with her strong and confident man is now broken.

5.2
On bonding

There are many different types of relationships: monogamous long-term relationships, casual hook-ups, one night stands, on and off relationships, etc. As a good lover you are, or will be, experiencing one or more of these sexual relationships.

If you are a guy who knows how to fuck, the relationship dynamics change greatly in comparison to a man who sucks in the bedroom. A man who knows what he’s doing, will make a woman hooked to him like an addict is to drugs. This empowers him greatly, but it also means he needs to make wiser decisions.

In that light, I want you to understand the relational dynamics of the most common relationships a good lover can encounter, so you can respond to her need for bonding in the right ways.

Overview

1. The Way of The Scum-Bag

This is a man who somewhat falls under the category of being a good lover in some ways, but a terrible one in other ways. He undeniably knows how to trigger her primal emotions, but then uses them to his own advantage through rough sex and emotional deprivation.

2. Dominance Through Equality Without Commitment

This is a more sensible approach to use when you want to keep it casual. It is a combination of giving her the hot steamy sex she’s after, but at the same time keep your distance in a respectable manner.

3. Dominance Through Equality With Commitment

In this chapter we will discuss what your girl will want out of a relationship in due course. This is the ultimate bliss for what every woman (eventually) wants, as it covers all of her primal needs of lust and trust to the fullest.

The Way of the Scum-Bag

By saying scum-bag, I really mean a man that uses a woman solely for his pleasure, and in some cases likes to inflict emotional pain. This behaviour is not always easily detectable. It’s not only pimps and physically aggressive men who take this road. Sometimes this guy may even seem nice to her, reassure her and do sweet things for her. But he only misleads her just to get the sex he wants and to play around with her.

This kind of man can also instil in her a great need to bond, because the hormones will work deep into her emotions. They can go deep enough to completely overrule her rational decision-making.

If she had sex with a such man, she will become hooked, like being hooked on a drug. That is, if the sex was good. But in some cases, when she has low self-esteem or has never experienced good sex before, she doesn’t even need to cum or really enjoy the sexual experience. Yet in general, these men give women a lot of strong orgasms. Therefore, she will release large amounts of oxytocin.

Even though a guy is using her and is not giving her this time for intimate bonding after sex and in general life, she still runs after him like a crazy drug addict. This is because he can provide her favourite rush of oxytocin. She will even trust a man like this up to a certain extent just because of this hormone, while in reality he is similar to a drug dealer.

You might think that this would be a good deal for you, getting some girl hooked to the feeling you give them, but there is one problem: over time she will realize that she’s addicted to you, which will make her suffer emotionally.

To this she can react in 2 ways: the first way is to cut off her addiction and go into a rehab-like state for some emotional healing. This takes a lot of willpower from her side and means you will eventually lose the girl. Or secondly she can stick around and be in constant misery, waiting for you to give her another shot of love hormones.

However, while she stays around she still has one thing going for her:
hope
. At this time she thinks that he will change. It’s a very big challenge for her in which she would do almost anything, including sexually, to please the guy. She still hopes she can convince him that she is the special one.

After a while she will realise that this will never happen. This can take a really long time, but sooner or later she will lose hope in thinking that she can change him or to become his princess. The more hope she loses, the more she feels resentment towards the guy as he is the one that gives her those negative feelings.

This will give her a very guarded attitude. She is rationally aware of the abuse and therefore needs to protect herself. So she will instead start treating the guy in a similar way to how a drug addict treats their dealer. His dick is like a needle for a heroin addict and that moment she feels it inside she feels so good, but at the same time she knows that it makes her sick.

She starts developing an attitude in which she wants to gain as much as possible and give as little as possible; things will become more sour the more this realisation sinks in.

She will not have a deeper sense to follow the guy without a fight. She will fight to make sure he isn’t going to take her to bad places. This means that there will be a lot of drama, but it will also make her more hesitant to do all of the kinky stuff that has been on your mind, as she knows she is just being used.

In the end, when there is no more hope or trust, she can stick around until there is very little self-esteem and willpower left. However, she will most likely walk away with a trauma. I therefore advise you to not take this road. You don’t want to turn her into ‘damaged goods’, I hope. Even if you do use this road, be prepared to handle a whole lot of emotional drama from her side.

Dominance Through Equality Without Commitment

We have already discussed the concept of dominance through equality, which implies that you lead her with respect and understand that she is an equal who can handle things herself. It is possible to use this concept when you want the benefits of sex, but don’t want a committed relationship. This means that even when the male is not fully committing, she can still have an emotionally and sexually rewarding experience.

Motives

Women also have sex for many different reasons and are not always looking for a guy who wants to commit:

A woman who’s married to a rich guy with too much time on her hands and a lousy sex life, may be tempted to hook up with some sexy young guy just for the thrill.

She met a sexy beach boy on some tropical island, had steamy sex with him, and then returned home fully satisfied with good memories.

A lonely girl who broke up with her boyfriend can find another guy to fill in an empty, emotional space to ease up the pain.

Having a one night stand with a tall, dark and handsome stranger, just because she felt horny and the right guy popped along.

When she has these motives, it is fairly easy to keep the sexual relationship going as she is just not open for a serious thing. A lot of these women have practical reasons: already being married, living too far, an age gap which is too large, etc. This will make it nearly impossible to develop from a casual relationship into a committed one.

When these practical reasons are not there and you continue having sex, you will always encounter this problem that she needs more commitment over time. After you satisfy her needs of lust, she will always crave for trust. This does not have to be a problem when you feel she is the right girl. But when she isn’t, you need to decide what to do next.

Screening While Drawing You In

When things start off casual, the relationships always has three things in common:

1. In the beginning she hides her feelings of love, as she’s afraid that it might scare you off. At this time you’re probably thinking what a good deal you have with her.
   
2. Little by little she will try to draw you in. She might ask you to meet her friends, take her to the movies, pick her up at work, make you feel bad about not going to a party with her, bake you cupcakes to show how cute and caring she is, show up at places where you hang out, etc.
   
3. Besides trying to make you commit, she’s also constantly screening at how you react to her subtle ways of escalating. So, make sure you keep reminding her that things are just casual.
   

Now, you are probably wondering how you should handle her ways of drawing you in, and her methods of screening. Well, there are three ways. Either you break it off, take the scum-bag road, or just keep things casual with the concept of dominance through equality.