The Amish Doll: Amish Knitting Novel (Bonus Knitting Pattern Included) (14 page)

Joshua looked up at her, eyes hollow. “Are you up for a talk?”

“Of course. We English stay up later than you Amish. We don’t have cows to milk at four a.m.” She saw Joshua’s head go down again. Trying to lighten up this conversation was impossible.

He tightened his grip on her hands. “Raven, I love you.”

A chill blew through her. “And the Amish have a problem with that…”

He looked up but avoided eye contact. “Nee, because you said you’d convert. It’s…Lottie.”

“You love her, too?”

“Nee, I don’t.  But I have to marry her.”

Raven bolted up. “What?”

“She’s pregnant.”

Raven felt pressure on her face and wanted to shout at Joshua, but only turned to leave. Joshua ran after her and held her from the back. “Let me explain.”

“Joshua, I know all about the birds and the bees.”

He turned her around and took her by the chin. “I do, too, and I don’t think I’m the
daed
.”

“Think? How can you not know?” She turned her head, having a hard time looking at the first man she really trusted, who deceived her.

“She said it happened when I was sick. I was delirious and don’t remember anything.”

Raven almost laughed at the absurdity of it all. It was worse than a soap opera. “Let me get this straight. Lottie’s pregnant, and says it happened when you were sick, but you don’t remember anything?”

“You had the same flu and were delirious, too.”

Raven’s mind flashed back to when Joshua apologized for kissing her when he was sick. It was Lottie he kissed. “Joshua, let me try to understand. She got pregnant but…” She needed to sit down, and headed toward Susanna’s rocker. Joshua didn’t take his hands off her. When she sat down, he knelt in front of her, taking one hand.

“Lottie says I’m the
daed
. Told her parents who told the bishop and elders. They’re telling me to do the right thing and marry her. My name will be tarnished forever if I don’t.”

Raven leaned forward. “Maybe Lottie’s lying.”

“That’s what I said. But the elders, bishop, and my
daed
believe her.”

“And your mom? Does she believe Lottie?”

“
Mamm
doesn’t know. Too much stress.”

Raven moaned. Susanna could see through things clearly. “Did you tell them your side?”

“
Jah
, I did. But they said delirious or not, they’d seen us court over the years, and they believe her. They want to have a wedding real quick before she shows.” He gripped her hands tighter. “My
mamm
doesn’t know. When she comes home, we’ll have the wedding then. Real small one.”

Why wasn’t he putting up a fight? He must still love Lottie. She turned her head. “Joshua, you say you love me, but you don’t, or you wouldn’t marry Lottie. We’ve only known each other for three months; you two courted for years. Your loyalty is with her…”

“I’ve never felt love toward Lottie like I feel for you.”

“Then why are you going to marry her?”

“Because if it is my baby, I want to be the
daed
. Be responsible.”

“Why not wait until after the baby’s born and have a blood test taken?”

“It would make Lottie look mighty immoral. What I’d be saying is I’m not the
daed
, but someone else is. So it would look like she’s been with more than one man.”

“And why do you care so much, Joshua? Because you still love her.”

“No I don’t….”

~*~

Eb passed the sausage to Raven. “I need to apologize about my behavior yesterday. I wasn’t myself.”

Raven nodded. “When you heard I was half Native American, you changed.”

Eb’s head shot up. “What are you saying?”

“You don’t like Native Americans.”

Eb swung at the air. “That has nothing to do with anything. There’s not a prejudiced bone in my body.”

“It’s alright, Eb. I’ve seen prejudice before. I recognize it.”

Eb’s eyes grew round. “Now look here. I don’t lie. Ask Joshua Yoder. I had to pound in that boy that being truthful is one of the most important things in the world. I’m not prejudice. My past just came up and hit me in the face yesterday, that’s all.”

“Your wife and daughter?”

“Christmas has a way of bringing lots of emotions out. So, you just forget about any notions of me being prejudiced.”

Raven still felt tired from her talk with Joshua last night, and wanted to change the subject. “Susanna leaves today…”

“I know. Maybe I’ll see Joshua more when they’re gone.”

“Eb, don’t go getting him in trouble. He already has enough…”

“What’s wrong? Something gone wrong with Susanna?”

“No, I think she’s doing pretty well. He has a lot on his mind, though.”

Eb scratched his beard. “He’s like a son to me, Joshua is. It’s been hard not being able to talk.  Maybe if you invite him over, and you two talk then –”

“I won’t be talking to Joshua much.”

“Why not? I thought you two were friends.”

“Well, we are. But I’m busy with all the paperwork from the fire, and checking in on the boys. Appleton can be saved and now I have to help Jim and Marilyn. Actually, the boys, Lawrence and I were all planning on doing some repairs to help save money.”

Eb snapped his finger and pointed at her. “You smiled when you said Lawrence. I knew it. So, he doesn’t want you seeing Joshua because he’s jealous.”

“The imagination you have. My goodness, how you run with things.”

“You’re not only smiling, you’re blushing. You like the pastor a lot.”

“Eb, I’m not five. I do go out on dates. And yes, I think a lot of Lawrence.”

~*~

Over the next few weeks, Raven was surprised by all the help they got to fix up Appleton, but never expected the Amish to show up in droves. Even though temperatures dipped below zero, Amish crews came and Jim played contractor. The insurance money came in, and Jim kept telling his depression era stories about saving money and doing things on his own. He wasn’t going to hire a contractor, feeling the Amish and English could work together and save money.

It was interesting to see people from her church working right alongside the Amish, chatting and laughing. Some days the Amish broke out in song, singing in German and in harmony. With the boys back in school, and Marilyn still recovering from the fire, she was the only female in the house, steaming off all the wallpaper.

When she first came to Ellington, Raven thought the wallpaper too extravagant. How silly. The boys had a home they could be proud of. She steamed a part of a wall, and then went up on the ladder to reach the top of the ten foot ceiling. Someone was coming down the hall singing slowly, as if in mourning and she turned to see Joshua, hunched over as if sick.

“Joshua. Are you alright? You look sick.”

“I’m not sick,” he said as he passed by.

“Joshua, wait.”  She scurried down the ladder. “Any word about your mom?”

“She’s doing
goot
, but in lots of pain. Allergic to most pain medicines, but they’re doing their best.”

“You must miss her. Ever think of taking the bus to Pittsburgh?”

“It costs money, and we’re all saving for her new medicines when she comes home.”

“’We’re all’. Who’s that?”

“The Amish. Our
Gmay
, or church as you call it.”

“The Amish will pay for her medicine? Why?”

“I don’t know. We’ve always done things that way. We’re all paying for the transplant.”

Raven gasped. “But that could be a million dollars.”

“I know. Our settlement can’t pay all that, so others are giving money. Someone put an ad in
Die Botschaft
and lots of funds are pouring in across the country.”

She read this Amish newspaper since Eb subscribed to it. This was the good side of the Amish she liked, unbelievable generosity. But why they were treating Joshua so severely she couldn’t overlook. Everyone could see he looked horrible. “Joshua, how are you really doing?”

Joshua’s once twinkling blue eyes now looked gray and he wouldn’t talk. “You’re so unhappy. You can’t go through with this wedding.”

“I have no choice. I’ll be a
daed
and it’s time to be responsible.”

Raven stomped her foot. “Joshua, you are too responsible. Who took care of your mother for three years? The problem is, you’re too responsible….”

“Why should you care? I see you with Lawrence all the time.”

Pain and anger shot from his eyes and Raven had an overwhelming urge to hold him; to see the once happy Joshua she
knew; the man who had such peace and strength. She’d told him about her abusive past, and it was one of her first steps toward healing. She took his hand. “Joshua. I miss you. Our talks. You helped me once; let me help you.”

He put his other hand on top of hers. “I’ve missed you, too.  But how can you help me? I’m like an animal in one of my traps.” His chin quivered and he blinked uncontrollably.

“Joshua, you need to see a doctor for your nerves. You’ve been under too much stress.”

His eyes seemed to slowly focus on her. “You really care, don’t you? Even though I’m going to marry Lottie, you still care.”

“Yes, I care a lot.”

“Then I’ll go to the doctors. Can you drive?”

“I’ll call and make the appointment,” she said.

Raven went home, too tired to walk. As usual, Eb had dinner ready with hot coffee to warm her up. “Thank you, Eb,” she said as she collapsed in an Amish rocker in the living room. “I’m too tired to eat.”

“Then you’re too tired. You’re not going tomorrow to that house. I am.”

Raven looked at Eb in disbelief. “You’re shunned.”

“Not by Jim Rowe,” he said with a twinkle in his eyes. “Anyhow, there’s lots of English there. I’ll stick around that boyfriend of yours.”

“Eb, Lawrence isn’t my boyfriend. We’re just casually dating and seeing where it leads.”

“Sounds like dating to me.” Eb walked over with a tray of food. “Now eat.”

“Yes, Papa,” Raven said.

Eb sat in the rocker next to her. “I wish I were your
daed
.”

“I never knew him. Like I said, I was an illegitimate child. My mom had a teen pregnancy.”

Eb leaned closer to her. “Did you know your
mamm
at all?”

“I never knew her either. She left right after I was born. My grandparents raised me.”

Eb’s brows furrowed. “Where’s your
mamm
now?”

“My grandma said she ran away and never saw her again. She was heckled by people for getting pregnant, and couldn’t take it anymore, I suppose.”

“What was her name? Do you know?”

“Flower. Of all things. Flower Meadows. Native Americans name people after things in nature. My hair was black when I was born, so they named me Raven.”

“Well, it fits you real nice, though.” Eb got up and went into the kitchen. Raven found Eb so refreshing. He accepted her just as she was. How many times had children been so cruel, saying neither parent wanted her? She saw Eb come in with two mugs of coffee.

“How old are you, Raven?”

She didn’t know why all the questions, but January was a long month and cabin fever set in, making people climb the walls. “I’ll be twenty-five on February 9th.”

Eb started to choke on his coffee, gasping for breath. He took a deep breath and grabbed her mug. “This is too hot.”

“Eb, are you alright?”

Eb ignored her and took the mugs in the kitchen. “Do you mind if I go out with your boyfriend? These four walls are falling in on me.”

She knew it. Eb needed to get out more, which explained his mood swings and non-stop questions. She’d just read tonight and take Eb’s advice, and not go to Appleton tomorrow. Maybe take Joshua to the Express-Med in Jamestown for a check-up.

~*~

“Today? But I’m working on the house,” Joshua said, as Raven entered the kitchen.

Cliffy and Timmy were at the table, eating breakfast. “How are you two today?”

“Okay. How about you, Miss Meadows?” Timmy asked.

“You look tired,” Cliffy said.

“She needs to see a doctor, too,
jah
?” Joshua said, eying Raven.

“Then we’ll both see the doctor this morning.” She smirked at Joshua. She heard a buggy pull up the driveway and cringed. Not Lottie!

Cliffy ran to the window. “Looks like your girlfriend’s here.”

Raven sighed loudly, not even trying to hide her disdain for this girl who was ruining Joshua’s life. But she had to remind herself that Joshua had chosen her. He loved her.

Lottie acted as cold as the wind that accompanied her into the room. “Why are you here?”

“I’m taking Joshua to the doctors. He’s sick.”

“I’ll take him.”

Raven rolled her eyes. “To Jamestown in your buggy?”

“No, we have a doctor here in Cherry Creek.”

“Lottie, I can take myself to the doc here. I’m going with Raven to Jamestown today,” Joshua said, evenly.

Suddenly, Lottie’s shoulders shook and tears sprung from her eyes. “You’re trying to take him.” She charged at Raven. “You know my condition. He’s mine and you can’t have him. You’re trying to take my husband.”

Raven looked at Timmy and Cliffy. This was not appropriate behavior for children to see. So much lack of self-control in an adult was scary. “Cliffy, Timmy, come with me.”

Joshua raised his hand. “Wait! What’s going on?”

“We like it here,” Cliffy protested.

“Can I have a word with you, Joshua Yoder, in private?” Raven asked.

He motioned for her to go into the living room. When Lottie followed, he told her to stay in the kitchen.

Raven crossed her arms and looked at Joshua severely. “I will not have my boys be subjected to a woman who lacks such self-control.”

“She just started crying. My
mamm
cries at times.”

“Let me tell you something, Joshua Yoder. If you plan to adopt those two boys like you say you want to, I won’t consent to Lottie being their mom. She’s unstable.”

“She’s pregnant and all emotional.”

“I’m a woman. I see things men don’t. My boys deserve a mother who is…normal.”

Joshua put his head down. “Then I won’t be able to adopt them.”

Raven felt the strength go out of her. He was willing to lose the boys for Lottie. “I want to talk to Cliffy and Timmy.”

~*~

“Boys, no one can hear you up here, so don’t be afraid of saying anything. Okay?”

Both boys nodded from their twin beds.

“You most likely know Joshua and Lottie are getting married. Can you see her as a mother?” Cliffy raised his hand as if in school. “Yes, Cliffy.”

“Why would Joshua marry her? All they do is fight.”

“Really? Timmy, is that how you see it? They fight all the time?”

“
Ya
. Don’t know why he’s marrying her. She’s weird.”

Raven rubbed her temples, trying to prevent a headache. “Are you afraid when they fight?”

“Freaked out,” Timmy said. “I mean, she’s always screaming over something little. Mrs. Rowe never did that.” He shifted his feet. “I miss her.”

“Me too,” Cliffy said. “She’d never throw things across the room.”

Raven grabbed at her hair. “She throws things? Like what?”

“Well, the other night Joshua made a really good stew and she thought it needed more salt. Joshua said something about watching how much salt she ate; she got out of her chair and got the salt shaker, and then threw it hard at Joshua. Hit him in the head good.” Cliffy put his hand on his head. “Joshua said it really hurt.”

“She doesn’t act like an adult,” Raven said through clenched teeth. “What did Joshua do when this happened?”

“Yelled real loud and told her to leave,” Timmy said.

Raven cleared her throat. “And did she leave?”

“
Ya
, in a huff,” Cliffy said.

“Joshua will be marrying Lottie, in March, when Susanna gets back. How do you feel about that?”

“I feel sorry for him,” Cliffy blurted out. “She’s nuts.”

“Timmy, how do you feel about him marrying her?”

“Just like Cliffy. I mean, Miss Meadows. Joshua is the nicest man I know, next to Mr. Rowe and Pastor Lawrence. Why wouldn’t he want to marry someone nice, like you? You’d make a great mom.”

A lump formed in her throat; she realized for the first time she wished she could be their mom. She looked at each boy fondly. “Do you feel safe with Lottie here? Please tell me.”

“We can handle her,” Cliffy said. “And if we have a problem, we have our walkie-talkies.”

Raven grinned. “It is fun talking to you on them. Do you talk to the other boys?”

“
Ya
, and we spy. Feels like we’re in a movie.”

Raven could see the boys were happy and couldn’t help but open her arms and ask for a group hug. She prayed these precious boys would find the parents that deserved them.

~*~

The whole way to Jamestown, Joshua wished he could take Raven in his arms. Would this love for her go away once he married Lottie? How he needed his
mamm’s
advice, since she had a discerning heart and could see through things. Such wisdom he missed. His
daed
not defending him still hurt. Saying he’d seen him court Lottie for years, and how he even had a crush on her in school, in eighth grade. How ridiculous. But it hurt more that his
daed
thought him capable of being immoral. He always heard if you point a finger in judgment, you have four pointing back at you. Was his
daed
ever in an immoral relationship before he got married? Joshua shook his head, trying to figure it all out.

The roads were icy and Raven clung to the steering wheel. “Joshua, we’ll be late and may miss our appointment. Maybe have to take a later one. But you need to be seen today. I’ve seen nervous breakdowns before.”

“I appreciate you doing all this, but I’m not too bad off.”

“You may not see it, but you’ve developed a nervous twitch on your right eye and you stutter at times.”

“I know. This whole thing with Lottie couldn’t have come at a worse time. Got a letter from my
daed
, and he said
mamm’s
having some problems. Blood work shows her new kidney’s working, but not as good as they’d hoped.”

Raven turned to him quickly and then eyed the road. “Will she make it?”

“They’re confident she will, but this recovery is harder than anyone thought.”

“Would she like a visit? Seeing you would cheer her up.”

Raven was in such sharp contrast to Lottie; it stunned him at times, not knowing what to say. If he did go to Pittsburgh, his
mamm
would see right through him, and she’d force him to tell her. Him planning to marry Lottie could kill her. But he needed advice…

“Joshua, what do you say? Want to go to Pittsburgh? It’s only a four hour drive. No need to reimburse for gas.”

Looking out at the ice pelting the car, Raven was as good as a hot fire on a cold night. She had such warmth….he put his hand on her shoulder. “I can’t, but
danki
just the same.”

“Why can’t you go? Need permission from the bishop to leave the cloister?” Raven groaned. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that.”

“
Jah
, you did. You think the bishop controls my life.”

“He does. Look at what’s happening to you. You’re being pressured to marry someone…it’s wrecking your health.”

“They only want what’s best. Told me they knew of a case where a man got drunk and got a woman pregnant years ago. He said he didn’t remember, but ended up being the
daed
. They look at me being delirious, and think it’s the same.”

“Whatever…”

Joshua saw the frustration on Raven’s face. She did care for him. “If I could get evidence, I’d be a free man…free to be with the woman I really love.”

Raven slowed the car and pulled into a parking lot. “I can’t drive in this storm and talk at the same time. These roads are bad.”

Joshua took Raven’s shaking hands in his. “Maybe you need to see a doctor for your nerves, too.”

Her green eyes met his. “You may be right.”

He put his hand on her cheek. “Do you know I pretend we’re Timmy and Cliffy’s parents? Cabin fever can make you do strange things, but when I think of being a
daed
, I think of those two boys….and you.”

“Then why are you marrying Lottie?”

He released her and slouched in his seat. “I’m asking the same question.”

~*~

Susanna looked at the IVs pumping pain medicine through her worn out body, and tried to be thankful, but felt panicky. Was it the medicine doing tricks with her mind, or was she supposed to be praying for someone? She prayed daily for her family, but today, something was urgent. Dear Lord, help whoever needs help.

She saw a group of Amish women in the hallway, but they wore other colors besides black and blue. Must be Mennonite, she thought.  They came back down the hallway and into her room. An elderly lady with silver peeking out from her black bonnet smiled at her and hugged a present. “So you’re Susanna Yoder.”